I was born on a pirate ship off the coast of Peru, where I was given a traditional Aztec upbringing during which I excelled in the arts and sciences. At age seven my parents accidentally killed each other in a freak fencing accident, and I left the tribe for Omaha, where I trained under the legendary Vin Diesel. At age eighteen, after a failed Fear Factor audition, I set out for a berry plantation roughly 4 kilometers south of Albuquerque. I currently reside in San Diego where I lace street drugs with powerful toxins and redistribute them to school children and pregnant celebrities. I'm allergic to most brands of khakis. And neckties are nothing but atrophied napkins you know.
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