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108303 pts · September 20, 2011

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I deftly wield the 500 character limit (a.k.a. say stupid shit) on the internet for fun and/or profit, but mostly I’m an (occasionally lovable) asshole. I am not a lawyer (or cop), and I don’t play one on TV (not a cop), this is not financial advice (or entrapment because I’m not a cop). I am a 501(c)(Deez Nutz) organization so, your upvotes are tax deductible. Please keep your receipts and hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. Assume all phone lines are tapped, died, and WD-40’d. Because occasionally there is confusion, please take a few of the “/s”s below and tape them to the end of posts that I didn’t think needed them (not sure if they work on other people’s comments). /s /s /s /s /s /s /s /s /s /s If you’re still reading this, you must be really fucking bored (or I said something that pissed you off, probably both) and man, same. How ‘bout them Mets. Gotta get a real slice. Hey I’m walkin’ here! If you get a screenshot of this entire bio to the front page you’ll win an honest to goodness prize! First of all, congrats, hows it feel to be internet famous for a day? I’ll mail you a dildo (of the sex dildo variety) if you’re somewhere Amazon delivers dildos. Alternatively I’ll mail Imgur a dildo instead, your choice of who gets a dildo, but none of the specifics about the dildo (like length, girth, and karate chopping action). If you prefer not to give money to evil companies like Amazon (or just don’t want anyone to get a dildo) I’ll donate approximately $dildo to the EFF, ACLU, or MSF in your username instead, but there will be a message about dildos in there somewhere. These bios sure are a lot roomier than I remember. Trans rights are human rights. Black lives matter. Women aren’t second class citizens. Fascists were made for punching and pissing on. Convert the 1% into fertilizer. If that offends you: 1. Good, fuck you. 2. Maybe take a few minutes to think about why that is and if that’s really OK. I still have over 350 characters to waste here but i’m too lazy to write anything else now so go outside and touch grass, or masturbate, or both. I don’t care, I’m not your mom (or a cop).

You’re not alone…

I can’t believe I’ve spent 11 years procrastinating here…

It's my 7th Cake Day, so here's some of my favorites.

Repost

Just in case you were looking for permission to stop doom scrolling

PIZZA'S HERE!

...

Just Relax

If Internet Explorer is Brave Enough to ask to be your Default Browser you're Brave Enough to do the thing!

Help me Imgur, you're my only hope!

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I'm rubbing more than my floor

I'm going to hell, but this is still funny

Never fails to crack me up

The Princess of Pluto (Who's cutting onions?)

Relevant again. Thanks DR Congo!

Brothers and sisters, join me in prayer.

Brothers and Sisters, Join Me in Prayer

Just some long exposure, details in comments if you're nerdy

Save us from Reposts

MRW when I opened User Sub

MRW the Zombie Apocalypse is over and Imgur can get back to normal.

MRW Someone Suggests I use an Emulator

All I'm looking for in a relationship

All this talk about bards and I'm stuck here in the 1690's like

Because sometimes i like to save kinda ok posts...

I need some WD-40 and a Tap and Die

Classic Miss Frizzle

Now more than ever: Remember Aitzaz

Can you hear me now?

I heard you guys like Korean Comics

No chance of infection here

Just be you

Today was a good day

Any Love for Long Exposure?

Any love for some OC from NJ?

Something to keep in mind gents

MRW I'm waiting for the next imgur craze

Go to sleep

Proof that Daylight Savings is bad for the environment

50% off Candy? TO THE SUPERMARKET!

Sometimes I get bored and go on Omegle...

So we know imgur likes cat, what about swans?

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