dothash
424454
13700
171
Names
Jun 18, 2015 4:43 PM
dothash
424454
13700
171
Euphio
I don't know why but I just absolutely lost it at the apple one.
NiftyNips
My 3 year old started saying "No, NEVER!" when its bed time. I give him the finger when his back is turned,
ReginaFalange42
When I was a toddler I got out of bed in the middle of the night, woke my mother up, and asked her why I couldn't give myself a handshake.
gnovice
5yo: "When were dinosaurs alive?" Me: "A very long time ago." 5yo: "Like, the 80s?"
jadedjaden
My sister in law is in labour. I'm in the waiting room. This was apropos to my life right now.
synapticprogression
Congratulations!
lostnortherner
Today my daughter threw herself on the floor screaming because I'm the asshole who wouldn't let her eat my deodorant.
Alicenadaze
Me: "Son you need to sit down and eat" Son: "I don't know how to eat." Me: "Pretty sure thats a lie." Son(whispers): "Your face is a lie."
AmberHrmphill
Having had my daughter at 17, this kind of thing happens in my house a lot. Maturity changes the things you say to kids. I think
menofmayhem11b
by far, the one comment that's entirely what my kid is gonna be like. +1
TanLinesAreAwesome
Wrestling? Haha, no its sex and its Awesome, your mother is a freak - +1
istealeverythingfromtumblr
Better than having them ask what sex is at the dinner table with their two teenage brothers (that was me )
splashover
The little blue check mark makes me sad because it's there and it's like, you should know who this person is.
EbonyDae
My 4 year old sister was running around screaming "ahhh," I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm using echo location to find my shoe"
matilda4life
Hilarious!!
DiarRheaPerlman
I hope she grows up to be a dolphin
starshroom108
I'm not even mad, that's amazing
scarlettwrong
I don'tusually lough out loud when browsing imgur, but I made an exception this time
JSmith90
Classic Hog Face
TheMoosemoose
I can't stop laughing
AskingTheRealQuestions
Chuckled audibly when I read that one at work.
one1deuce
Her?
fluxbiota
That was my favorite one too. Circle jerk!!!
SixSixSix
LMFAO HOG FACE I'M DYING
frankwalkerfromnationaltiiiiiiiiiiles
#7 as someone expecting a child soon, this is totally a thing "what about 'Craig'?" "Nah, in grade 8 a guy called Craig pushed me over once"
DickDastardly404
the core of childcare is much like espionage - distraction and misdirection.
kcg799
You don't have enough upvotes for this and I don't know why.
KissThemForMe
"Are you having another donut? I'm not judging you, I'm just asking." -my 5 year old daughter
nightgamer06
Kids way of saying can i have another
l0serish
Ouch
MrsWhitekeys
"Why you eat so many food?" "Because I am so many hungry." "That too many food, mommy." -Conversation with my three year old
spaghettifacebang
"Are we just gonna watch TV in our pjs all day?" -my kid.
EmilyJoShmo
Anybody else play that game where you pretend to strangle them and push them into the couch and they're laughing and you're crying? Just me?
TheBioluminescence
Hahahaha my dad used to do that
TheBioluminescence
Wait
azazyel
I have 9 nieces and nephews. The best birth control ever made.
TheNonInsestuousJaime
True story, with the seven that I have I realized I can have fun with them and leave the parenting and crappy parts to my siblings...
smellslikeflowers
My bro and his 16 mo son live with me. Never wanted my own kids and my nephew has reaffirmed that. Love that little tornado though.
Momof2needsabreak
Was a nanny to my first 2 nieces, made me want kids of my own. Now I have 2 and I'm very very tired.
eightcharacters
5 nieces, 1 nephew, brother has a kid on the way too. I agree 10000000001%
Fembottuner
I have 18. 18....nieces and nephews from age 2-19 spread out amongst 3 sisters and 1 brother.
danthelumberjack
4 nieces, 1 nephew, and my brother has a kid on the way. I agree 10000000000%
OtherRichard
4 nephews 1 niece and honestly its about split 2 of them pushed me away from kids 3 towards kids. I have a daughter now she is amazing.
Constancetinople
I've worked in a daycare for 7 years, definitely the best birth control.
WheezingAppleWannaBe
4 nephews 3 nieces ........Soooo freaking nosy when they are all together. But i love those douche bags.
lilsoph
'You should try cooking with love, maybe that would help' - My kid yesterday after I asked him how his dinner was
comeeeonnnnnnn
When I was kid and I got an itch anywhere I would freak out and tell my mom I had maggots under my skin
xanthio
TIL when you were a kid you did too much meth.
TylerWarranty
I didn't know there was an appropriate amount of meth
DoesYourDaddyHaveADrinksTrolley
My 4Yr old woke up and snuck into the kitchen without me waking up. I woke up to "MUMMY! I FOUND ALL THE SNACKS AND NOW I CAN SMELL COLOURS"
LittleSnail
...do you make special brownies for snacks ? ^^
TchallaVII
i thought the same thing. this kid so high..
BobDresden
"Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours."
chibbity
Of all of them, this resonated with me the most. Best case scenario: I get the fruit back. Worst case scenario: new backpack 2 months later.
sarzaya
I first read "so I (not it) can get out of the house" and I was confused
NostraThomaaas
Me too
NostraThomaaas
Me too
Captaintippie
Me too!
memel0rd
Me too
Case0fBase
I didn't get that one. Help?
cowboys1
The kid wouldn't eat the apple, they'd just bring it home.
BobDresden
He packs the apple in his kid's lunch, the kid doesn't eat the apple, and it comes home in the kid's lunchbox having gotten out for a bit.
cupcake13
"Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours." --In case you missed it.
BobDresden
Thanks, dude! Hate to have missed: "Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours."
Phoenixnlb
I'm yelling across the house honey open the door. My then 3 yo son yells "Mommy open the fuckin door"
jeangaijin
My friend got cut off in traffic and muttered "Jerk!" From the backseat her 3 yo yelled (in her husband's intonation) "You asshole!"
ProfessorSamson
I used to ask my mom if she was friends with the other drivers because she would censor herself and say "buddy" instead of "asshole"
sixtyfortysoo
MFW my 5yr old stated she didn't have any intention of learning to read as she was going to an artist and express her self with drawing...
FrankHorigan
How I adult: http://imgur.com/TGFPD7o
sixtyfortysoo
I want a fort style been to keep the kids out
squirrelgirl86
I'm hoping your reaction was to sit that bitch down in front of some Reading Rainbow.
friendlyneighborhoodobgyn
My mom tried to teach my sister how to write her name in preschool and my sister said, "Why? My teachers will just do it for me."
politicalhack
You can't say MFW without posting a reaction gif. I mean, I guess you can -- I'm not a cop.
sixtyfortysoo
I'm a bit scared of posting links as I was banned as a spammer, ban lifted, apologies and an
Penguinsandbroadswords
My 4yo daughter says she doesn't want to grow up because, "Adulting is too hawd, and I'll not fit in you'se and daddy's laps no more."
sixtyfortysoo
At 42 I always look for a more adultier adult in times of crisis
DaddyWolf
Well, she's not wrong.
Penguinsandbroadswords
No, she's not. She's also the only child I've met who cries on her birthday because we're making her get older.
DaddyWolf
HAHAHA! I find my kids' loose understanding of time rather amusing.
kittymack
Adulting IS too hard! But then I have days where I eat dessert for breakfast and I think fuck yes adulting is the best!
BanadecCamberbootch
I have 4 children and I frequently and affectionately refer to them as "rats", "rat bastards", and "demons". You have to have fun.
Penguinsandbroadswords
"Demonspawn" and "Plague Rats" (when they are sick) are as mean as we get, except for fart face and Princess Poopy, or they're just monkeys.
wahchoolookinat
I have 2...they are brats and bad seeds among other things... :) my 10yr old son is also currently poopsie mcfartpants.
rattlesnail
I go with monsters. I just did fathers day shopping with all (4, 18m-6y) of them by myself. I need a drink
loadupthewaffles
I have one child, one niece and 2 nephews and I refer to them as "terrorists" and "terror suspects."
ImgurianSlacker
I refer to mine as "turd"...to keep from calling him "little shit"
XLunaLoveGoodX
my sister calls her son a turd for this reason he is currently 1 walking and getting into absolutely everything. My neice is calld a butt.
XLunaLoveGoodX
rather then an ass because she is three and going through the I can do what I want and I'm going to push all your buttons until you want
XLunaLoveGoodX
to cry then I'll listen. in all seriousness though she's a good kid.
JohnKorova
I'm that guy...I call them "little shits"
Shamorza
"WHY COWS DON'T MEOW? WHY???" - My -then- 3 years old daughter.
shapeofthingstocome
...well?!
lokitoki81
Oh Im so sorry for you loss :( <3
BustedWaffles
What happened to her?
Ifellthroughthefourthwall
they do, it's just bigger and slower than a cat's meow.
imhoots
So, why *don't* cows meow?
brethamus
I know right? It's bullshit
SweetPotatoSmallPotato
One of my spawns once asked me if daddy was a demon because he showed them a magic trick
AlphaWHH
Remember kids this is the same logic that brought us religion so tell them yes, because that is apparently what some people believe.
KotharKorinth
+1 for the spawns of the demon father
VerySmallRocks
If my baby cousin wanted something she would point at it and say "Maybe that's mine?" It's now my favorite way to ask for something.
sheezyOG
At least you got a maybe. My nephew goes straight for the jugular when trying to get phones or anything new
JustAnUndevelopedImage
Some friends' little siblings would come up if you had something (like candy) and go: "Let me share that with you."
karliekloss
I love that- no really, can I steal it too?
pixeedude
This is genius, I may have to steal it. Also, 7/10 would not say 'no'.
tiramigiu
because their vocal chords are different or perhaps...because they are a little horse. GET IT YOU LITTLE SHIT? FARM PUN BITCH.
mnyf2009
*punches little bitch* FUCK YEAH AMERICA!
CenturianImgurian
E-I-E-I-OHHHHHHHHHHHH!
RandyKnapp
This whole thread was a wild ride. +1s
RevolutionRadio
GOD DAMMIT!!
slagath0r
aggression and puns? yeah
mnyf2009
*punches little bitch* FUCK YEAH AMERICA!
NotSquidwardTennisBalls
TIL Cows are little horses.
tiramigiu
no, no...they are cats that are a little hoarse.
FourDeathSavingThrows
IDontKnowHowToHuman
#TopSecretReference
thejackle
When I used to ask my dad where my mum was he'd tell me "she went mad and the police shot her". And he wonders why we have trust issues
fifidarlingf
What really happened?
thejackle
She was usually just at the shops or something.
emileeeeeee
My dad would say one of two phrases to that very question...where is mom going? She's going crazy...When is mom coming home? 1/2
emileeeeeee
She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes...it drove me nuts lol.
totesymahgoatsy
My kid throws a tantrum if I don't let her sit on my knee when I go to the toilet.
IFUCKEVERYTHING
Why did i envision a teenager?
SgtEziosRequiem
Cuz y'alls is creepy.
brrrgitte
your daughter cats well
Batonrougeisnotsobad
Talk about an activity you totally undervalue before kids. That and using language you want at whatever volume you want.
babiestastebest
I can definitely relate. I call my 4 yr old a fecal freak.
AskingTheRealQuestions
Pretty sure that's the title of a porn movie somewhere.
babiestastebest
Not to her face, of course
DepartmentfortheRegulationandControlofMagicalCreatures
I choose not to have children, you're welcome society.
jpww
@VegetarianCannibal
escaped1
*planet. You're welcome planet*
NonConformistFlamingo
Indeed. I'm too much of a selfish fucker, I won't even lie. Plus a huge history of mental illness in my family.
IAlwaysDownVoteMe
I think not having kids is the opposite of selfish
dirtywildlifer
I like kids but don't want any, my nieces and nephews will do.
PleasantPeasantPheasant
Me too, I have a form of autism, my bf has add, both are hereditary, seems like a simple enough decision.
IDontKnowHowToHuman
These things should be used more often as motivation for adoption. Well maybe not for people w/ autism & ADD, but for other genetic stuffs.
RandomImgurian
I'd rather be a cool uncle than a dad. All the fun and none of the responsibility!
INameMyPetsAfterRedvsBlueCharacters
I love kids! And I will adore my sister's kids. But I'm not having my own. Nope. No thanks.
Cheomesh
Good on ya!
tuxedobob
With that punctuation, I think I should thank you.
themerman
I am on the fence on this. Can you please tell me why you took the decision?
mangonadasaregreat
It just feels like the right thing. Now if I regret my decision later, I'll deal with it. (1/2)
mangonadasaregreat
If I brought a kid into this world and regretted having them, they'd suffer. I can't live with that.
Smashysmash
Thank you.
Lorithias
Same here . everyone think I'm weird ... I love when they you "oh you will want them, later" ..
MadScientistInTraining
All aboard the kid hate train.i dont want to have kids either
GilderoyPopDropNLockart
I'm down with getting shit faced on that train
IHateBeingBipolarItsAwesome
That's a key reason why I married my husband - he had a vasectomy years before we knew each other. :D
IusedtobeapervertIstillambutIusedtobetoo
Well hello there ;)
Madcaplaughs84
I don't hate kids but I know I wouldn't make a great parent.
ThinlyVeiledFront
Other people's kids are wonderful! They're curious and full of energy and you can hand them back when they shit themselves.
Macharli
Same and now I have one. She's only 4 weeks old but she's already making some pretty crappy jokes :P get it? Jesus. Where is my life.
Prosecutrixxx
Oh god, you just summoned the "Children are miracles" brigade to come shame us about not wanting kids.
thanatos777
There is less of that on Imgur than you'd expect.
Prosecutrixxx
I encounter it on every one of these posts/comments.
Ryacint
"The best thing about naming a baby is realising how many people you hate" You sir may have all my upvotes.
kevinallover
How the fuck is this the top comment?
stevetehpirate
I've thought about this many a time.
megmegmegmeg
This is so true!!! We went through a heap of names when my son was born!
BabyGiraffe
My husband and I both work with mentally ill children. We're starting to worry we're tarnishing every name in the world.
mrbellek
It's even worse when your wife is a teacher. So many names were vetoed.
Spongybunny
We have this debate for each new pet we get. "How about 'Lily'? No, Lily was a bitch to me in high school."
rettaretta
The freedom of pets- you can give them names you could never give a child!
alticaarden
like "chainsaw" or "destroyer" or "fluffy"
narwhalsies
To the best of my knowledge, neither of us know anyone with the names we have tentatively picked out for future children.
Octonaughty
Or as a teacher, how many students are pricks that you don't want your child to have ANY association with.
fretsr4wimps
It took me til the Ike Barinholtz one to notice this....no shame.
diligenttomato
Yes. Currently taking suggestions on classic English boy names that don't end in -er and don't sound too butlery.
IAmAPandaButt
We both disliked the kid the most so we didn't need a name. Just an appointment.
AtomicDJ
*realizing. We are not animals here, you know.
IDontKnowHowToHuman
This is an example of how everytime I watch HIMYM, the next day I see super-relevant imgur posts. In this case it was s6e6, "Baby Talk."
IHaveBecomePartOfThis
Living trough the same dilemma, here.
ElPoloDiablo
Just name him Joffrey. That's a nice name. :)
katn8r
My guy wants to name any boys after his deceased father. Who shares a name with my psychotic brother in law.
insectman
*unless you're Travis. Or Ted.
BastardOrphanSonOfAWhoreAndAScotsman
Had a conversation like two days ago with my fiance about baby names. I will never like the name Travis because of some kid in first grade.
BastardOrphanSonOfAWhoreAndAScotsman
And he wasn't even really mean or anything, I just... never cared for him and he was my first introduction to the name.
SueThem
I wouldn't choose that name either because of a jackass teacher from 6th grade. Things like that are weird.
SpecimenSpiff
I named my daughter Kaylee. I love Kaylee. You love Kaylee. Everybody loves Kaylee. Shiny.
DivesFromWipeClub
I know a Kaylee who was really bitchy and annoying. Going on the nope-list
SpecimenSpiff
Drats. Shame on her. Sullying a good name like that.
pinkpantheronice
I don't have a kid... But I have a list of names I will never name my future kid
TheDarkLordOfTrees
Anthony. Nathan. Fuck those guys.
SpikeCanKickLestatsAss
I don't want kids, but have a list of names I would name a kid. It's an unusual dilemma.
pinkpantheronice
I have that as well, though my husband has vetoed all of them
chelktty
Yes, THIS! Had such a hard time coming up with a name for my son bcuz my hubby's known so many lunatic assholes.
SharkeelONeal
Did he meet your side of the family?
chelktty
Yes. Heavy in the crazy (the fun kind of crazy), light on the assholes (those that we don't speak to).
BirthdayMassacre
I named my daughter Aislyn. Ain't no one Aislyn.
MisterGod
Staff sgt. Max Fightmaster
trailerparksupervisor
I worked in a juvenile detention center for a while so that ruined a TON of names for me.
franklyidontgiveadamn
I know this feel, I worked at a correctional halfway house for a long time.
iamthisguy247
My wife is a nurse that deals with a lot of similar issues. I would suggest a name and she'd be like "do you want a meth head?" "Umm, no?"
chelktty
Oh the misery of choosing a meth head name!
chelktty
Oh the misery of choosing a meth head name!
SpeakingAsTheDevilsAdvocate
My wife is a teacher. That's all I've got to say about that.
YellaBelliedSonofa
Oh god, my girlfriend's a teacher
Durtschi
I feel you. We can't name a child after my mother because my wife had a hell child whose mom had the same name as my mom.
Momof2needsabreak
Had that conversation today with a teacher while our kids were at swim lessons.
mynameismama
I worked in childcare for 9 years before having our baby, it helped me to be decisive about the names I didn't like, that's for sure!
SpeakingAsTheDevilsAdvocate
J-names, right? J-named kids are shits. Source: my wife and I are J-named
RiotShielder
J names are the best!
mynameismama
Liam, never met a Liam that wasn't shit! We went for Arlo in the end, had to think outside the box.
TheDarkLordOfTrees
Everyone in my immediate family has a name starting with S. Even the dog.
FastandBiCurious
That reminds me of How I Met Your Mother - Lily and Marshall have the same problem.
BeeDragon
Just finished the last season! Right in the feels when I'm moving and getting ready to leave everything I know behind for a new state.
IDontKnowHowToHuman
I just commented to the parent comment about how I just watched that episode yesterday!
ThePelican
I am a teacher. There are so many names I used to like.
Ifellthroughthefourthwall
Maybe Dovakiin then?
SpeakingAsTheDevilsAdvocate
On the plus side Wolfgang Danger Welsh was still free
OSCgal
My nephew has a friend named Wolfgang. His parents are musicians.
ThinlyVeiledFront
Fuck Wolfgang. That kid can eat a dick.
Equreuil
#2 - as the mom of a 2 year old... yeah, you never win an argument with a 2 year old.
SuckitPUPPS
2 is light hearted fun compared to three.
Equreuil
So I've heard. Not looking forward to it based on the hell mine currently puts me through
INameMyPetsAfterRedvsBlueCharacters
I feel like by losing the argument, he did win.
Cheomesh
Talk shit, get hit.
destinoz
I made the mistake of saying "that's enough, I said no." Next day I asked her to clean her toys and she said "that's enough, I said no!" :/
deodorantinmybutt
Lmao as a mother of a 9 month old I'll have to remember this for future reference.
ObsidianSnow
My 2yo constantly tells me "I said no! Go to your room!"
mockwerks
You will never outlast a 2 year old. You can only pray they just leave you alone.
Equreuil
That is the wonderful thing about Bedtime. If I can last until then, I get a few hours of peace
mockwerks
If you're not looking towards bed time as a finish line, you're probably not human,
Equreuil
about an hour in, my son gets a verbal warning of "home stretch!"
Equreuil
an hour before I mean
mockwerks
I knew a couple that kept their 2 year old up until 10 so they could "spend some time with her". I was like WTF>?
ThePizzaSlutAbides
I vividly remember asking my mother what human flesh tastes like when I was 5.
Smayds
Tastes like chicken!
ChrisDaPatriot
I remember when I figured out which hand was my right and I made a joke about how the other one must be my wrong hand. Killed 'em.
istealeverythingfromtumblr
Ha same. Except I asked what sex was at the dinner table and both my teenage brothers lost their shit
sandwichnerd
"That sounds fun, can I hang myself Mommy?" - me at 6
Choc113
Is that you David Carradine?
jupiterandthemoons
Apparently I laughed my head off after I put both of our male beta fish in the same tank.then wanted to get another one to fight the winner
IAmTheOneCuttingTheOnions
I remember asking what eyeballs taste like...
LevelSevenLaserLotus
http://38.media.tumblr.com/bcc291482e0a3170083df6ae2056828a/tumblr_n50do8qYV51rvtlumo9_250.gif
phlat6
Pork. Duh.
upvoteslut
i think about this all the time. not crazy, just curious. i joke that i'm gonna donate my body to cannibalism when i die for those like me
Germurican
Me too! I've even wished to discreetly cook a bit of somebody's leg or arm or whatever after they die, just to see what it would taste like.
upvoteslut
0.0
LadyWidebottom
My daughter (now 6) told me not long ago that her flesh tastes delicious. (I think she was eating a scab)
poopontheboop
Yeah... Kids are gross.
LadyWidebottom
No arguments here
INameMyPetsAfterRedvsBlueCharacters
Well? What did she say?
ThinlyVeiledFront
"You've got an arm. Find out!"
thejollymolly
"Like tacos." ;)
onlyfappedonce
I asked my mom this. She said that it tasted like veal, except gamier. Kind of scared about how she knows this
VidiVeniThenSheLeft
You used to have a few more siblings.
GreennPhoennix
Do you remember your late cousin?
ThePizzaSlutAbides
She said probably bitter and sour then reminded me that animals don't attack us to eat us, they do it out of fear, bc we taste bad to them,
Sarkanybaby
BTW I heard that it's sweet because of our carbohydrate rich diet.
BioMead
Really depends on the age and fat content of the person.
SomebodyStoleMyCarRadio
"Like pork, but juicier."
CountCrow
Yo momma been suckin' on some dick
MyrtletheMagnificent
A++ username
tibris
depends on their diet. the average person? yeah pork, vegans taste more like beef.
fiendir
"i smell like beef"
dizzyupthegirls
How has no one said anything about this shit yet?? I can't let that observation slide by unnoticed. Wtf dude!!
tibris
would you believe me if I said I read a lot?
RevengeByAnyOtherNameIsNotAsSweet
vegans taste like sadness and defeat.
pmmeyourtitsforpuns
Nope. They taste better than meat eaters.
Ifellthroughthefourthwall
their meat, not their kiss.
showmeyourkitties272
(O_O)
SomebodyStoleMyCarRadio
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
THESHOUTINGTURTLE
I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS THREAD!!!