RaisedByTurnips

142698 pts · December 21, 2016


People have asked about my turnip heritage, so I thought I'd enlighten you all: We're about to open quite the can of worms (or unbutton the mushroom, as we 'nips we say). As you may/may not have gathered although I've been raised by Turnips, I'm not actually genetically related to them. You see, I was adopted. Well, not so much adopted but more left in the cabbage patch by my utter fuck-ups of human parents, such fuck-ups were they that they couldn't even get that right and dumped me in a turnip field. Luckily the 'nips are sweet and well-round folks, they took me in, raised me as their own, showed me a kindness I've yet to discover in the strange human world. My childhood was difficult, I was so different to the others. There was only myself and Slim von OrangeTop (a carrot who accidentally grew in our village) who weren't turnip kind. This meant we were always lumped together. And it wasn't that I didn't like her, it's just that we had nothing in common really, but it was easier for us to both just go along with it. My 'nip parents (The Diggingbottoms) already had a couple of kids, one older than me; Gil, and a younger one; Sprouty. Sprouty and I got on fine, we'd often play, and he had no issues with introducing me to his friends, in fact most of my friends were obtained that way. However Gil... he never really got on board with having a person for a brother. He would make fun of my bodily functions and hair, called me Monkey Trumpet, and just laughed when I found the ground too cold to sleep in. Yeah, I had a lot of forgiving to do there once we grew up. There was this one time though, stuff really changed for me. Our school was entered into the Inter-village Spurts, a kind of sports tournament where the whole village got behind it's athletes, mostly teens, as they competed for a highly coveted Top Shelf Trophy. Well... guess who had quite the advantage in these sports? Being 2000% taller than the next contestant, I absolutely pummeled (we try not to use this term as it's super-insulting, but it's the most fitting in this case) all opposition, bringing home a whole array of first places AND get this... the Grand Cabbage Master himself presented me with the Top Shelf Trophy! It was the best day of my life. In an instant I was cool, popular and no-one could do enough for me. Even Gil gave me a pat on the back (of the leg). I was on cloud nine. I went straight back after the Spurts to tell Sprouty (he was too young to attend in person) but I couldn't find him anywhere. We looked for hours, he'd gone. It was a confusing time for my family, they wanted to be happy for me, but everyone was so worried about Sprouty, we just didn't have space for happiness. Days later we'd asked the whole village, all the other youngsters that couldn't make it, if anyone might have any clue what happened. Finally we discovered it... he'd wanted to join in, to come and cheer me on, he was such a good little 'nip, but he'd got stuck on the stuck on the way, we found only his leaves... It was clear what had happened, He'd been savagely picked! They don't come back from that. It tore our family apart. The accolade granted to me by my fellow school 'nips meant nothing if my family couldn't even look each other in the stems. I totally blame myself. I couldn't deal with it, I left... went to live life with the humans. And here I am... being all humany, with the humans, I'll never forget the day I crushed the Lettuces at rolling, the day I was adored by all the farm, the day my sweet little Sprouty was picked ---------------------------------------------------------- There's obviously much more to hear. Like the time I went to Glastonberry (the summer fruit festival), oh and of course I've not even got to talking about the leek overlords yet

MRW I found out that Glastonbury tickets go on sale this week

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No... You stop!

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Dude, sweet!

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You've earned yourself a break, feel free to relax here for a moment as you sail through the treacherous city of usersub

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When the word "outside" just doesn't cut it

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Quick... Whilst the Europeans are nearly asleep, upvote the most British thing there is

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When you drank all the neighbour's whiskey, and she has to try to drag your drunk ass home

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Heckin good tym rite here guys

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I just miss Firefly so damn much

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Goodbye costly toilet paper

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I nursed a fly back to good health, in order to catch the moment he flew off, in super slow motion...

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D-da do-do do-doo

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Hot September day in the UK... Pros and cons:

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Legend has it that Natalie Dormer's parents were actually watching Spacejam at the time of her conception

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Axl has no discernable skills...

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My dog goes I really fast... I fixed him

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The only sure-fire way to get his attention

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South Park know how it is....

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A little Christian masturbation propaganda to get you through the day

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Man and machine... Power extreme!

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Well... That went better than expected

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Where I am right now

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I walk my dog in a graveyard sometimes, I thought you guys might like to check it out

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Wife logic!

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Never 2spoopy for Taco Tuesday

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Heard that He-Man was going to make a visit to Snake Mountain so I made an inflatable balloon of him as a protest of him being such a bellend.

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What a Dick thing to say!!

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He didn't stand a chance... there was just no escaping it

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Hey everyone... our allocated sunny day is here. Quick, get to making the most of it

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Shit Happens!

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The UK is having unusually nice weather of late... so much so that the candles are melting in their pots! 

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When I finally get 2 minutes alone with the wife after working away for over a week

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Time to relax with the missus after yet another exhausting skeleton war

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Quality Pussy

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Adventure Time... c'mon grab your frames

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"Hmmm, how can nope ropes be more scary? Ooo, let's make it on fire"

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How d'you like dem apples?!

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Hmmm, what to watch... what to watch?

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Most British people don't know about the Cinco de Mayo holiday.... MOST...

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I think that I handled it well...

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You know what they say about men who wear green shoes...

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I found the best thing to film with a 960 fps camera...

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Flat earthers must really be looking forward to this eclipse... 

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Life, uh, finds a way.... 

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Gross!

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I suddenly found myself a lot more interested in these comics when...

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Awwww.... Hay, you guys!

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Like, what do you think 'sup with this guy's cat?

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In conclusion...

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TIL that I wifed 3/5 spice issues

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MRW I miss my first ever cakeday

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My new phone has a fancy camera... So I took a picture for you guys, in my garden

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¯\_(ツ)(ツ)_/¯

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Genuine picture of the moment that the Lord Mayor (guy in the sombrero) of Sheffield (greatest city of the UK) announced that President Trump is banned from the entering the city

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Remomber, dronk responsiblee at Christmus

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Just some Lightning... in all it's high-pixelly and frameratetastical goodness

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Good guy co-worker

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Love from the UK

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