The Big Lebowski by Ethan Coen & Joel Coen EXT. CALIFORNIA DESERT - DAY We float up a steep scrubby slope. We hear male voices gently singing "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" and a deep, affable, Western- accented voice--Sam Elliot's, perhaps: VOICE-OVER A way out west there was this fella, fella I want to tell you about, fella by the name of Jeff Lebowski. At least, that was the handle his lovin' parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. This Lebowski, he called himself the Dude. Now, Dude, that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then, there was a lot about the Dude that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. And a lot about where he lived, like- wise. But then again, maybe that's why I found the place s'durned innarestin'. We top the rise and the smoggy vastness of Los Angeles at twilight stretches out before us. VOICE-OVER (CONT’D) They call Los Angeles the City of Angels. I didn't find it to be that exactly, but I'll allow as there are some nice folks there. 'Course, I can't say I seen London, and I never been to France, and I ain't never seen no queen in her damn undies as the fella says. But I'll tell you what, after seeing Los Angeles and thisahere story I'm about to unfold-- wal, I guess I seen somethin' ever' bit as stupefyin' as ya'd see in any a those other places, and in English too, so I can die with a smile on my face without feelin' like the good Lord gypped me. INT. RALPH'S - NIGHT It is late, the supermarket all but deserted. We track in on a forty-ish man in Bermuda shorts and sunglasses at the dairy case. He is THE DUDE. His rumpled look and relaxed manner suggest a man in whom casualness runs deep. (CONTINUED) 2. CONTINUED: He feels quarts of milk for coldness and examines their expiration dates. VOICE-OVER Now this story I'm about to unfold took place back in the early nineties-- just about the time of our conflict with Sad'm and the Eye rackies. I only mention it 'cause some- times there's a man-- I won't say a hee-ro, 'cause what's a hee ro?--but sometimes there's a man ... and I'm talkin' about the Dude here-- sometimes there's a man, wal, he's the man for his time'n place, he fits right in there-- and that's the Dude, in Los Angeles... and even if he's a lazy man, and the Dude was certainly that--quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County. The Dude glances furtively about and then opens a quart of milk. He sticks his nose in the spout and sniffs. VOICE-OVER (CONT’D) ...which would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide- but sometimes there's a man... sometimes there's a man. CHECKOUT GIRL She waits, arms folded. VOICE-OVER (CONT’D) Wal... The Dude, scribbles something at the little customer's lectern. Milk beads his mustache. VOICE-OVER (CONT’D) Lost my train of thought here. But... The Dude has his Ralph's Shopper's Club card to one side and makes out a check to Ralph's for sixty-nine cents. VOICE-OVER (CONT’D) Aw hell, I done innerduced him enough. (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: (2) The Dude, peeks over his shades at a small black-and white TV next to the register shows George Bush on the White House lawn with helicopter rotors spinning behind him. GEORGE BUSH --- call for a collective action. This will not stand. This will not stand! This aggression against, uh, Kuwait. EXT. DUDE'S BUNGALOW - NIGHT The Dude goes up the walkway of a small Venice bungalow court. He holds the paper sack in one hand and a small leatherette satchel in the other. He awkwardly hugs the grocery bag against his chest as he turns a key in his door. INT. DUDE'S BUNGALOW - CONTINUOUS The Dude enters and flicks on a light. His head is grabbed from behind and tucked into an armpit. We track with him as he is rushed through the living room, his arm holding the satchel flailing away from his body. Going into the bedroom the outflung satchel catches a piece of doorframe and wallboard and rips through it, leaving a hole. The Dude is propelled across the bedroom and on into a small bathroom, the satchel once again taking away a piece of doorframe. His head is plunged into the toilet. The paper bag hugged to his chest explodes milk as it hits the toilet rim and the satchel pulverizes tile as it crashes to the floor. The Dude blows bubbles. Hands haul the Dude out of the toilet. The Dude blubbers and gasps for air. VOICE Where's the money, Lebowski! His head is plunged back into the toilet. VOICE (CONT’D) We want that money, Lebowski. Bunny said you were good for it. Hands haul the Dude out of the toilet again. VOICE (CONT’D) Where's the money, Lebowski! (CONTINUED) 4. CONTINUED: His head is plunged back into the toilet. VOICE (CONT’D) Where's the money, Lebowski! The hands haul him out again, dripping and gasping. VOICE (CONT’D) WHERE'S THE FUCKING MONEY, SHITHEAD! DUDE It's uh, it's down there somewhere. Lemme take another look. His head is plunged back in. VOICE Don't fuck with us. The inquisitor hauls the Dude's head out one last time and flops him over so that he sits on the floor, back against the toilet. VOICE (CONT’D) Your wife owes money to Jackie Treehorn, that means you owe money to Jackie Treehorn. Looming over him is a strapping BLOND MAN. Beyond in the living room a young Chinese man unzips his fly and walks over to a rug. CHINESE MAN Ever thus to deadbeats, Lebowski. He starts peeing on the rug. DUDE Oh, no. Don't do that. Not on the rug, man. BLOND MAN See, You see what happens, Lebowski? You see what happens? DUDE Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man. (CONTINUED) 5. CONTINUED: (2) BLOND MAN Your name is Lebowski, Lebowski. Your wife is Bunny. DUDE Muh muh Wi-- my wife? Bunny? He holds up his hand. DUDE (CONT’D) You see a wedding ring on my finger? Does this place look like I'm fucking married? The toilet seat's up man! The Blond Man stoops to unzip the satchel. He pulls out a bowling ball and examines it in the manner of a superstitious native. The Dude gropes back in the toilet with one hand. The Dude's hand comes out of the toilet bowl with his Sunglasses and puts on his dripping sunglasses. BLOND MAN What the fuck is this? DUDE Obviously you're not a golfer. The Blond Man drops the ball which pulverizes the tile. BLOND MAN Woo? The Chinese man, WOO, zips his fly. WOO Yeah? BLOND MAN Isn't this guy supposed to be a millionaire? They both look around. WOO Fuck. BLOND MAN Yeah, what do you think? WOO He looks like a fuckin' loser. (CONTINUED) 6. CONTINUED: (3) The Dude pulls his sunglasses down his nose with one finger and peeks over them. DUDE Hey. At least I'm housebroken. The two men look at each other. They turn to leave. WOO Fuckin' time waste. The Blond Man turns testily at the door. BLOND MAN Thanks a lot, asshole. ON THE DOOR SLAM WE CUT TO: BOWLING PINS Scattered by a strike. INT. BOWLING ALLEY Music and head credits play over various bowling shots--pins flying, bowlers hoisting balls, balls gliding down lanes, sliding feet, graceful releases, ball return spinning up a ball, fingers sliding into fingerholes, etc. The music turns into boomy source music, coming from a distant jukebox, as the credits end over a clattering strike. A man with black hair, wearing a bowling shirt turns from the strike to walk back to the bench. MAN Wahooo, I'm throwin' rocks tonight. Mark it, Dude. We track in on the circular bench towards a big man nursing a large plastic cup of Beer. He has dark worried eyes and a goatee. Hairy legs emerge from his blue jean shorts. He also wears a khaki army surplus vest over a black shirt. WALTER This was a valued rug. This is WALTER. He taps a cigarette as he addresses the Dude. The Dude digs in his bag to remove his bowling ball. Walter clears his throat. (CONTINUED) 7. CONTINUED: DONNY, the strike-scoring bowler, enters and sits next Walter. WALTER (CONT’D) This was, uh- DUDE Yeah man, it really tied the room together- WALTER This was a valued, uh. DUDE Yeah... DONNY What tied the room together, Dude? DUDE My rug. WALTER Were you listening to the story, Donny? DONNY What? DUDE Walter.. WALTER Were you listening to the Dude's story? DONNY I was bowling- WALTER So you have no frame of reference, here Donny. You're like a child who wanders in DUDE Walter... WALTER -in the middle of a movie and wants to-( CONTINUED) 8. CONTINUED: (2) DUDE Walter, walter, what's the point man? WALTER There's no fucking reason--here's my point, Dude--there's no fucking reason why these - DONNY Yeah Walter, what's your point? WALTER Huh? DUDE Walter, what's the point. Look--we all know who was at fault here, what the fuck are you talking about? WALTER Huh? No! What the fuck are you -I'm not--we're talking about unchecked aggression here, Dude. DONNY What the fuck is he talking about? DUDE My rug. WALTER Forget it, Donny. You're out of your element. DUDE Walter, the Chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill, so what the fuck are you talking about? WALTER What the fuck are you talking about?! The Chinaman is not the issue here dude! I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line you do not,-- also, Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature, uh, Asian- American, Please. (CONTINUED) 9. CONTINUED: (3) DUDE Walter, this isn't a guy who built the rail- roads, here, this is a guy - WALTER What the fuck are you talk- DUDE Walter, he peed on my rug. DONNY He peed on the Dude's rug. WALTER DONNIE YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT! Dude the Chinaman is not the issue here. DUDE So who, who- WALTER Jeff Lebowski. The other Jeffrey Lebowski. The millionaire. DUDE That's fucking interesting man, that's fucking interesting... WALTER Plus, he has the wealth, obviously, and the resources, uh, so that there is no reason, there's no FUCKING reason, why his wife should go out and owe money all over town, and then they come and they pee on your fucking rug! Am I wrong? DUDE No... WALTER Am I wrong! DUDE Yeah, but- WALTER Okay then. uh, He elaborately clears his throat. (CONTINUED) 10. CONTINUED: (4) WALTER (CONT’D) That rug really tied the room together, did it not? DUDE Fuckin' A. DONNY And this guy peed on it. WALTER Donny, Please. DUDE You know, this is the fuckin' guy... I could find this Lebowski guy. DONNY His name is Lebowski? That's your name, Dude! DUDE This is the guy, who should compensate me for the fucking rug. His wife goes out and owes money all over town, and they pee on my rug? WALTER They pee on your fucking Rug? DUDE They peed on my fucking rug. WALTER Thaaat's right Dude; they peed on your fucking Rug. INT. LEBOWSKI MANOR - DAY CLOSE ON A PLAQUE We pull back from the name JEFFREY LEBOWSKI engraved in silver to reveal that the plaque, from Variety Clubs International, honors Lebowski as ACHIEVER OF THE YEAR. Reflected in the plaque we see the Dude entering the room with a YOUNG MAN. We hear the two men talk: YOUNG MAN This is the study. As you can see the various commendations, awards- (CONTINUED) 11. CONTINUED: DUDE Jeffery Lebowski... YOUNG MAN --citations, honorary degrees, et cetera. DUDE Hmm, very impressive. YOUNG MAN Please, feel free to inspect them. DUDE Hum? Oh, I'm not that-- really, uh. YOUNG MAN Oh, Please! Please! We pan the walls, looking at various citations and certificates unrelated to the ones being discussed off- screen: YOUNG MAN (CONT’D) That's the key to the city of Pasadena, which Mr. Lebowski received two years ago in recognition of his various civic, uh... Oh, That's a Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Business Achiever award, which is given--oh not necessarily given every year! DUDE Hey, is this uh..? YOUNG MAN Given only when there's a worthy- DUDE is this ...? YOUNG MAN --somebody- DUDE Is this him with Nancy? YOUNG MAN Yes indeed, that is Mr. Lebowski with the First Lady, yes. It was taken when Mrs. Reagan- (CONTINUED) 12. CONTINUED: (2) DUDE That's uh, Lebowski on the left there? YOUNG MAN Yeah. Of course, Mr. Lebowski on the left... DUDE So he's a crip...you know a, a... YOUNG MAN uh, ahmmm... DUDE Handicapped, kinda guy? YOUNG MAN Mr. Lebowski is disabled, yes. This picture was taken when Mrs. Reagan was first lady of the nation, yes, yes? Not of California. The Dude points to Charlton Heston in a photo with Jeffery Lebowski. DUDE Chuck. YOUNG MAN In fact he met privately with the President, though unfortunately there wasn't time for a photo opportunity. DUDE Oh, Nancy's pretty good. YOUNG MAN Oh, Wonderful woman. We were very happy to- DUDE Uh...these are, uh? YOUNG MAN Uh those are Mr. Lebowski's children, so to speak- DUDE Different mothers, huh? (CONTINUED) 13. CONTINUED: (3) YOUNG MAN No, they're not- DUDE So, racially he's pretty cool- YOUNG MAN Aha ha ha uh, they're not literally his children; they're the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, inner- city children of promise but without the necessary means for a necessary means, for a higher education, so Mr. Lebowski has committed to sending all of them to college. The young man removes the Dude's finger from one of the plaques. YOUNG MAN (CONT’D) Excuse me. Thank you, thank you. DUDE Far out. Think he's got room for one more? YOUNG MAN One uh--oh! Heh-heh. You never went to college. The Dude's finger goes back to the plaque. YOUNG MAN (CONT’D) Please, uh, don't touch that. DUDE Oh yeah, yeah, no I did, but uh, You know I spent most of my time uh, occupying various, administration buildings uh- YOUNG MAN Um Hmmm. DUDE --smoking a lot of thai-stick, breaking into the ROTC- YOUNG MAN Aha hahahahahaha Yes, - (CONTINUED) 14. CONTINUED: (4) DUDE --and bowling. I'll tell you the truth, Brandt, I don't remember most of it. Our continuing track and pan have brought us onto a framed, Man of the Year, Time Magazine cover which in the lower right corner says, ARE YOU A LEBOWSKI ACHIEVER? Oddly, the Dude's, face is on it; we realize that the display is mirrored. DUDE (CONT’D) Hmmm. We hear the door open and the whine of a motor. The Dude, wears shorts and an open hooded sweat shirt, turns to look. So does BRANDT, the young man we've been listening to. He wears a suit and has his hands clasped in front of his groin. Entering the room is a fat sixtyish man in a motorized wheelchair--Jeff Lebowski. LEBOWSKI Okay sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski, that's terrific, but I'm very busy, as I can imagine you are. What can I do for you sir? He wheels himself behind a desk. The Dude sits facing him as Brandt withdraws. DUDE Uh, well sir, it's, uh, this rug I have, it really tied the room together-uh- LEBOWSKI You told Brandt on the phone, he told me. Where do I fit in? DUDE Well, uh, they were--they were looking for you, these two guys, uh you know they- LEBOWSKI I'll say it again, you told Brandt on the phone. He told me. I know what happened. Yes? Yes? DUDE Oh, so you know they were trying to piss on your rug? (CONTINUED) 15. CONTINUED: (5) LEBOWSKI Did I urinate on your rug? DUDE You mean, did you personally come and pee on my rug? LEBOWSKI Hello! Do you speak English son? Parla usted Inglese? I'll say it again. Did I urinate on your rug? DUDE No, like I said, Woo, peed on my rug. LEBOWSKI I just want to understand this sir, every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, I have to compensate the person? DUDE Come on, man, I'm not trying to scam anybody here, uh, you know, I'm just--uh... LEBOWSKI You're just looking for a handout like every other--are you employed, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Huh? wait wait, let me, let me explain something to you. Uh, I am not Mr. Lebowski; you're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, uh, That, or uh, his Dudeness, or uh Duder, or uh El Duderino, if, you know, you're not into the whole brevity thing--uh. LEBOWSKI Are you employed, sir? DUDE Employed? ah ha... LEBOWSKI You don't go out looking for a job dressed like that do ya? On a weekday? (CONTINUED) 16. CONTINUED: (6) DUDE Is this a--what day is this? LEBOWSKI Well I do work sir, so if you don't mind- DUDE Yeah, I do mind. The Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man. I mean, your wife owes money- The Big Lebowski slams his fist down on the desk. LEBOWSKI My wife, is not the issue here! I hope that someday my wife will learn to live on her allowance, which is ample, but if she does not, that is her problem, not mine, just as your rug is your problem, just as… The Dude puts on his sunglasses… LEBOWSKI (CONT’D) …every bum's lot in life is his own responsibility regardless of whom he chooses to blame. I didn't blame anyone for the loss of my legs, some chinaman took them from me in Korea but I went out and achieved anyway. I cannot solve your problems, sir, only you can. DUDE Ah fuck it. LEBOWSKI Oh, "Fuck it!" Yes, that's your answer! That's your answer to everything! Tattoo it on your forehead! The Dude gets up out of the chair. LEBOWSKI (CONT’D) Your "revolution" is over, Mr. Lebowski! Condolences! The bums lost! The Dude heads for the door. Then opens the door. (CONTINUED) 17. CONTINUED: (7) LEBOWSKI (CONT’D) My advice to you is, to do what your parents did! Get a job, sir! The bums will always lose-- do you hear me, Lebowski? The Dude shuts the door on the old man's bellowing- LEBOWSKI (CONT’D) (muffled) ...THE BUMS WILL ALWAYS LOSE! HALLWAY in a high coffered hallway. Brandt approaches. BRANDT How was your meeting, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Okay. The old man told me to take any rug in the house. EXT. WALKWAY - DAY A houseman with a rolled-up carpet on one shoulder goes down a stone walk that winds through the back lawn, past a swimming pool with Brandt and the Dude in front of him. BRANDT Well, enjoy, and perhaps we'll see you again some time, Dude. DUDE Yeah sure, uh, DUDE'S POINT OF VIEW Tracks toward the pool. A young woman sits facing it, her back to us, leaning forward to paint her toenails. DUDE (CONT’D) ...if I'm in the neighborhood, you know, and uh, I need to use the john. CLOSER TRACK Arc around the woman's foot as she finishes painting the nails emerald green. 18. THE DUDE Looking. WIDER The young woman looks up at him. She is in her early twenties. She leans back and extends her leg toward the Dude. YOUNG WOMAN Blow on them. The Dude pulls his sunglasses down his nose and peeks over them. DUDE Huh? She waggles her foot and giggles. YOUNG WOMAN G'ahead. Blow. The Dude tentatively grabs hold of her extended foot. DUDE You want me to blow on your uh, toes? YOUNG WOMAN Uh-huh, heh heh . . I can't blow that far. The Dude looks over at the pool. A man in shorts floats in a dipped foam chair in the pool. DUDE You sure he won't mind? The man bobbing in the foam chair is passed out. He is thin, in his thirties, with stringy blond hair. One arm trails off into the water; next to it, an empty whiskey bottle bobs. YOUNG WOMAN Uli doesn't care about anything. He's a nihilist. (CONTINUED) 19. CONTINUED: DUDE Ah, that must be exhausting. YOUNG WOMAN You're not blowing. BRANDT Our guest has to be getting along, Mrs. Lebowski. DUDE Ahhh, you're Bunny. BUNNY I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars. Brandt releases a gale of forced laughter: BRANDT Ha-ha-ha-ha! Wonderful woman. We're all very fond of her. Very free- spirited. BUNNY Brandt can't watch though. Or he has to pay a hundred. BRANDT Aha-ha-ha-ha! That's marvelous. Brandt nervously takes the Dude by the elbow. The Dude grudgingly allows himself to be led away, still looking at the young woman back over his shoulder. DUDE Uhhhh...I'm just gonna go find a cash machine. BOWLING PINS Scattered by a strike. INT. BOWLING ALLEY THE BOWLERS Donny backs away from the line, turns and walks back. DONNY Wahooo...I'm slammin' 'em tonight You guys are dead in the water!! (CONTINUED) 20. CONTINUED: As the Donny walks back to the scoring table he points to another team in black bowling shirts--the Cavaliers--that shares the lane. Walter, just arriving, carries a leatherette satchel in one hand and a LARGE PLASTIC CARRIER in the other. WALTER Alright! Way to go, Donny! If you will it, it is no dream. DUDE You're fucking twenty minutes late, man. What the fuck is that? WALTER Theodore Herzel. DUDE Huh? WALTER State of Israel. If you will it, Dude, it is no dream. DUDE What the fuck're you talking about man? The carrier. What's in the fucking carrier? WALTER Huh? Oh!--Cynthia's dog. I think it's a Pomeranian. I can't leave him home alone or he eats the furniture. I'm watching it while Cynthia and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii. DUDE You brought a fucking Pomeranian bowling? WALTER What do you mean "brought it bowling"? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not taking your fucking turn, Dude. He lets the small yapping dog out of the carrier. It scoots around the bowling table, sniffs at bowlers and wags its tail. (CONTINUED) 21. CONTINUED: (2) DUDE Man, if my fucking ex-wife asked me to take care of her fucking dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu, I'd tell her to go fuck herself. Why can't she board it? WALTER First of all, Dude, you don't have an ex, secondly, this is a fucking show dog with fucking papers. You can't board it. It gets upset, its hair falls out. DUDE Hey man, Walter, you know- WALTER Fucking dog has fucking papers-Over the line! Smokey turns from his last roll to look at Walter. SMOKEY Huh? WALTER I'm sorry Smokey, You were over the line, that's a foul. SMOKEY Bullshit. Mark it eight Dude. WALTER Excuse me! Mark it zero. Next frame. SMOKEY Bullshit. Walter! Mark it eight Dude. WALTER Smokey, this is not Nam. This is bowling. There are rules. DUDE Hey Walter come on, it's just--hey man it's Smokey. So his toe slipped over a little, you know, it's just a game, man. (CONTINUED) 22. CONTINUED: (3) WALTER This is a league game. This determines who enters the next round-robin, am I wrong? SMOKEY Yeah, but I wasn't- WALTER Am I wrong!? SMOKEY Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker, Dude, I'm marking it an eight. Walter takes out a GUN. WALTER Smokey my friend, you're entering a world of pain. DUDE Walter--man- WALTER You mark that frame an eight, you're entering a world of pain. SMOKEY I'm not- WALTER A world of pain. SMOKEY Look Dude, I ... this is your partner- WALTER HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY? AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE RULES? MARK IT ZERO! The Pomeranian excitedly yaps at Walter's knee, makes high body-twisting tail-wagging leaps. DUDE They're calling the cops, man, put the piece away. Walter points it at Smokey's head. (CONTINUED) 23. CONTINUED: (4) WALTER MARK IT ZERO! DUDE Walter put the piece away. SMOKEY Walter- WALTER YOU THINK I'M FUCKING AROUND HERE? Walter primes the gun. WALTER (CONT’D) MARK IT ZERO!! SMOKEY All right!! It's fucking zero! You happy, you crazy fuck? WALTER It's a league game, Smokey! EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT Walter and the Dude walk to the Dude's car. The 'Pomeranian' trots happily behind Walter who totes the empty carrier. DUDE You can't do that man. These guys, you know, they're like me, they're pacificists. Smokey was a conscientious objector. WALTER You know Dude, I myself dabbled with pacifism at one point. Not in Nam, of course- DUDE And you know he's got emotional problems man! WALTER You mean--beyond pacifism? DUDE He's fragile, very fragile! As the two men get into the car: (CONTINUED) 24. CONTINUED: WALTER Huh. I did not know that. Well, it's all water under the bridge. And we do enter the next round- robin, am I wrong? DUDE No, you're not wrong- WALTER Am I wrong! DUDE You're not wrong, Walter, you're just an asshole. WALTER Okay then. We play Quintana and O'Brien next week. They should be pushovers. They watch a squad car take a squealing turn into the lot. DUDE Man, willya just, just take it easy, man. WALTER You know, that's your answer for everything, Dude. And let me point out something--pacifism is not-look at our current situation with that camelfucker in Iraq-- pacifism is not something to hide behind. DUDE Just take it easy, man. WALTER I'm perfectly calm, Dude. DUDE Yeah? Wavin' the fuckin' gun around?! WALTER (smugly) Calmer than you are. This irritates the Dude further. DUDE Will you just take it easy? (CONTINUED) 25. CONTINUED: (2) Walter is still smug. WALTER Calmer than you are. INT. DUDE'S HOUSE A large, brilliant Persian rug lies in front of the Dude's beat-up old furniture. A beep. VOICE Dude, this is Smokey. Look, I don't wanna be a hard-on about this, and I know it wasn't your fault, but I just thought it was fair to tell you that Gilbert and I will be submitting this to the League and asking them to set aside the round, I don't know, or maybe, forfeit it to us-- so, like I say, just thought, you know, fair warning. Tell Walter. I'm sorry. Beep. At the bar next to the answering machine the Dude is mixing kahlua, vodka and milk. ANOTHER VOICE Mr. Lebowski, this is Brandt at, uh, well--at Mr. Lebowski's office. Please call us as soon as is convenient. Beep. ANOTHER VOICE (CONT’D) Mr. Lebowski, this is Bell Salnicker with the Southern Cal Bowling League, and I just got a, an informal report, that a member of your team, uh, Walter Sobchak, drew a firearm during league play. If this is true of course, it contraviens a number of the league's by-laws, and article 27 of the league... We hear a knock at the door. 26. THE DOOR - It swings open to reveal a short, hairy, muscular but balding middle-aged man in a blue T-shirt and beige shorts. MAN Dude. DUDE Hey Marty. MARTY Dude, I, I finally, I got the uh, venue I wanted. Uh, I'm Performing my dance quintet--you know, my cycle--at Crane Jackson's Fountain Street Theatre on Tuesday night, and well I'd love it if you came and gave me notes. The Dude takes a swig of his drink. DUDE I'll be there man. MARTY Uh, Dude, uh, tomorrow's already the tenth. DUDE Far out. Oh, oh, alright, okay. MARTY Just, uh, just slip the rent under my door. BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM The voice continues on the machine. VOICE --serious infraction, and examine your standing. Thank you. Beep. VOICE (CONT’D) Mr. Lebowski, Brandt again. Please do call us as soon as you get in and I'll send the limo. I hope you're not avoiding this call because of the rug, ha ha, which, I assure you, is not a problem. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 27. CONTINUED: VOICE (CONT’D) We need your help and, uh--well we would very much like to see you. Thank you. It's Brandt. INT. LEBOWSKI MANOR TRACKING We push Brandt down the high-ceilinged hallway. Distantly, we hear a dolorous soprano. Brandt talks back over his shoulder: BRANDT We've had some terrible news. Mr. Lebowski is in seclusion in the West Wing. Brandt throws open a pair of heavy double doors. Brandt announces ambiguously: BRANDT (CONT’D) Mr. Lebowski. The music washes over us as we enter a great study where Jeffrey Lebowski, a blanket thrown over his knees, stares hauntedly into a fire, listening to Lohengrin. LEBOWSKI Funny-- I can look back on a life of achievement, on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome. I've accomplished more than most men, and without the use of my legs. What. . . What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Dude. LEBOWSKI Huh? DUDE Uh, I, I don't know, sir. LEBOWSKI Is it being prepared to do the right thing? Whatever the cost? Isn't that what makes a man? (CONTINUED) 28. CONTINUED: DUDE Ummm..sure. That and a pair of testicles. Lebowski is turned away from the Dude with a haunted stare, lost in thought. LEBOWSKI You're joking. But perhaps you're right. The Dude pulls a 'Jay' out of his pants pocket. DUDE You mind if I do a jay? LEBOWSKI Bunny. The firelight shows teartracks on his cheeks. DUDE 'Scuse me? LEBOWSKI Bunny Lebowski... She is the light of my life. Are you surprised at my tears, sir? DUDE Oh, fuckin' A. LEBOWSKI Strong men also cry... Strong men also cry. He clears his throat. LEBOWSKI (CONT’D) I received this fax this morning. Brandt hastily pulls a flimsy sheet from his clipboard and hands it to the Dude. LEBOWSKI (CONT’D) As you can see, it is a ransom note. The Dude examines the fax: WE HAVE BUNNY. (CONTINUED) 29. CONTINUED: (2) LEBOWSKI (CONT’D) Written by men who are unable to achieve on a level field of play. GATHER ONE MILLION DOLLARS LEBOWSKI (CONT’D) Cowards! IN UNMARKED NON-CONSECUTIVE TWENTIES. LEBOWSKI Weaklings. AWAIT INSTRUCTIONS LEBOWSKI (CONT’D) Bums. NO FUNNY STUFF. DUDE Bummer. LEBOWSKI Huh? DUDE This is a bummer man. That's a, that's a bummer. LEBOWSKI Brandt will fill you in on the details. The Big Lebowski gazes into the fire. Brandt tugs at the Dude's shirt and points him back to the hall. HALLWAY The soprano's singing is once again faint. Brandt's voice is hushed: BRANDT Mr. Lebowski is prepared to make a generous offer to you to act as courier once we get instructions for the money. DUDE Why me, man? (CONTINUED) 30. CONTINUED: BRANDT He believes that the culprits might be the very people who, uh, soiled your rug, and you're in a unique position to confirm or, disconfirm that suspicion. DUDE He thinks the carpet-pissers did this? BRANDT Well Dude, we just don't know. BOWLING PINS INT. BOWLING ALLEY MUSIC: Spanish version of 'Hotel California' slow motion. WIDER Still in slow motion. We are looking at a tall, thin, Hispanic bowler. He wears an all-in-one dacron-polyester stretch, violet bowling outfit with a racing stripe down each side. He has a pink bowling ball which he holds in front of his face and he licks the ball. He lowers the ball on his back swing. Stitched above the breast pocket of his all-in-one is his first name, "Jesus". He rolls the pink ball and slams the pins. He turns and to the music, does a bravado dance and a strut back to the seat taunting the competition. QUINTANA Wheeling and thrusting a black gloved single finger into the air. FAST TRACK IN On the Dude, sitting next to Walter in the molded plastic chairs. The Dude is staring off towards the bowler. DUDE Fucking Quintana--that creep can roll, man- (CONTINUED) 31. CONTINUED: WALTER Yeah, but he's a fucking pervert, Dude. DUDE Yeah? WALTER No. He's a sex offender. With a record. He did six months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight- year-old. FLASHBACK We see Quintana, in pressed jeans and a stretchy sweater, walking up a stoop in a residential neighborhood and ringing the bell. The VOICE-OVER conversation continues. DUDE Huh. WALTER When he moved down to Hollywood he had to go door-to-door to tell everyone he was a pederast. The door swings open and a beer-swilling middle-aged man looks dully out at Quintana, who looks hesitantly up. DONNY What's a pederast, Walter? WALTER Shut the fuck up, Donny. BACK TO WALTER AND THE DUDE WALTER So. How much they give you? DUDE Twenty grand, man. And of course I still keep the rug. WALTER Just for making the hand-off? DUDE Yeah. (CONTINUED) 32. CONTINUED: He slips a little black box out of his shorts pocket, and turns it on. DUDE (CONT’D) ...They gave uh, Dude a beeper, so whenever these guys call- WALTER What if it's during a game? DUDE Oh, I told him if it was during league play- Donny has been watching Quintana. DONNY What's during league play? DUDE Uh, ya know... WALTER Life does not stop and start at your convenience - DUDE I uh... WALTER --you miserable piece of shit. DUDE I, I figure uh, DONNY What's wrong with Walter, Dude? DUDE I figure it's easy money, ya know, it's all pretty harmless. She probably kidnapped herself. WALTER Huh? DUDE Aww... DONNY What do you mean, Dude? (CONTINUED) 33. CONTINUED: (2) DUDE Rug-peers did not do this. Look at it. Young trophy wife. Marries this guy for money, she figures he isn't giving her enough. Ya know, She owes money all over town-- aww. WALTER That...fucking...bitch! DUDE It's all a goddamn fake man. It's like Leninsaid, you look for the person who will benefit. And uh,uh, you know, uh... DONNIE I am the Walrus. DUDE ...you know... you'll, uh, uh, you know what I'm trying to say- DONNY I am the Walrus. WALTER That fucking bitch! DUDE Yeah. DONNY I am the Walrus. WALTER That's ex-- Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin! Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov! DONNY What the fuck is he talking about? WALTER Fucking exactly what happened. Those- We see Quintana and his partner vigorously shining their bowling balls. DUDE Hell yeah. (CONTINUED) 34. CONTINUED: (3) WALTER That makes me fucking SICK! DUDE Well, what do you care, Walter? WALTER Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing-- I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet- DUDE Walter- WALTER This fuckin' whore... DUDE I don't see any- WALTER ...can waltz around town... DUDE --connection with Vietnam, man. WALTER Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude. DUDE Walter, face it, there isn't any connection. Your roll. WALTER Have it your way, but my point is- DUDE Your roll- WALTER My point is- DUDE Your roll. VOICE Are you ready to be fucked, man? They both look up. (CONTINUED) 35. CONTINUED: (4) Quintana, on his way out, looks down at them from the lip of the lanes. Over his polyester all-in-one he now wears a windbreaker with a racing stripe and "Jesus" stitched on the breast. He is holding a fancy black-and-red leather ball satchel (perhaps a Sylvia Wein). Behind him stands his partner, Liam, a short fat Irishman with tufted brown hair. QUINTANA I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up. DUDE Yeah well, ya know, that's just, like uh, your opinion, man. Quintana looks at Walter. QUINTANA Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you and stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger till it goes "click". DUDE Jesus. QUINTANA You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. Jesus walks away. Walter turns his head toward the Dude. WALTER Eight-year-olds, Dude. INT. DUDE'S BUNGALOW We are looking down at the Dude who is prone on the rug. His eyes are closed. He wears a Walkman headset. Leaking tinnily through the headphones we can just hear an intermittent clatter. On the rug lies a cassette case labeled - A: VENICE BEACH LEAGUE PLAYOFFS 1987. B: Bob The Dude absently licks his lips as we faintly hear a ball rumbling down the lane. On its impact with the pins, the Dude opens his eyes. (CONTINUED) 36. CONTINUED: A redhead woman looms over him. Next to her a young man in paint-spattered denims stoops and swings his fist at the Dude's head. The sap catches the Dude on the chin and sends his head thunking back onto the rug. Fireworks explode against a field of black. We hear the "Lala- la-la" of 'The Man in Me'. The black field dissolves into the pattern of the rug. The rug rolls away to reveal an aerial view of the city of Los Angeles at twilight, moving below us at great speed. The Dude flies over the city, his arms thrown out in front of him, the wind whipping his hair and billowing his bowling shirt. He looks up. Ahead the mysterious redhead woman wings away, riding on the Dude's rug like a sheik on a magic carpet. She is outpacing us, growing smaller. The Dude does a couple of lazy breast strokes and then notices that a bowling ball has materialized in his forward hand. His bemusement turns to concern over the aerodynamic implications just as the ball seems to suddenly assume its weight, abruptly snapping his arm down, and him after it. He falls. From a high angle we see the Dude hurtling down toward the city, dragged by the ball. A reverse looking up shows the Dude hurtling toward us out of the inky sky, his eyes wide with horror. Led by the bowling ball, he zooms past the camera leaving us in black. We hear a distant rumble, like thunder. Dull reflections materialize in the darkness. They are glints off the shiny surface of an oncoming bowling ball. We pull back to reveal that the blackness was the inside of a ball return, and the gleaming bowling ball is being regurgitated up at us, overtaking us. The Dude looks up, up, up at the looming ball, its mass rolling a huge shadow across his face. The gleaming ball shows three dead black holes rolling toward us --finger holes. The largest--thumb--hole rolls directly over us, engulfing us once again in black.. (CONTINUED) 37. CONTINUED: (2) The black rolls away and we are spinning--spinning down a bowling lane--our point of view that of someone trapped in the thumbhole of the rolling ball. We see the receding bowler spinning away. It is the redhead woman, performing her follow-through. Floor spins up at us and then away; ceiling spins up and away; the length of the alley with pins at the end; floor; ceiling; approaching pins; again and again. We hit the pins and clatter into blackness. We hear pins spin, hit each other and drop. We hear an irritating, insistent beeping along with the song 'The Man in Me'. FADE IN: We are close on the Dude, upside down. As the picture fades 'The Man in Me' continues, but filtered and faint. They come from the Dude's Walkman, the headset of which is now askew, with one arm off his ear. As the Dude opens his eyes we spiral slowly upward to put him right side around. His head is now resting against hardwood floor, not rug. DUDE Aaaah...Oh man. Ohhhh...Awwww... He raises falls back to the bare floor. The rug is gone. The beeper on the zipper of his hooded sweat shirt blinks red in sync with the continuing irritating beeps. WIDE ON THE ROOM The beeps continue. INT. LEBOWSKI MANOR TRACK We push Brandt down the familiar marble hallway. Again there is a distant aria. Brandt throws out a wrist to look at his watch. (CONTINUED) 38. CONTINUED: BRANDT They called about eighty minutes ago. They want you to take the money and drive north on the 405. They will call you on the portable phone with instructions in about forty minutes. One person only, they were very clear on that, or I'd go with you. One person only. What happened to your jaw? DUDE Oh, nothin', man just ah- They have reached the little desk outside of the Big Lebowski's office; Brandt opens the top cabinet with a key and takes out an attache case. BRANDT Here's the money... He hands this to the Dude... BRANDT (CONT’D) and the phone... ...along with a cellular phone in a battery-pack carrying case. BRANDT (CONT’D) Please, Dude, follow whatever instructions they give. DUDE Alright. BRANDT Her life is in your hands. DUDE Oh, man, don't say that man. BRANDT Mr. Lebowski asked me to repeat that: Her life is in your hands. DUDE Oh shit, man. BRANDT Her life is in your hands, Dude. And report back to us as soon as it's done. 39. INT. DUDE'S CAR - NIGHT We pan off the Dude, driving, to his point of view through the front windshield. The headlights play over Walter standing waiting in front of the storefront of SOBCHAK SECURITY. He wears combat fatigues, and holds a battered brown briefcase. He also holds an irregular shape bundled in a news paper wrapping. The car stops in front of him DUDE Where the fuck are you going, man? WALTER Take the ringer. I'll drive. He opens the Dude's door and hands in the briefcase The Dude takes the briefcase and slides over. DUDE The what? WALTER The ringer! The ringer, Dude! The car drives off. The Dude opens the briefcase and paws bemusedly through it. DUDE What the... WALTER Have they called yet? DUDE What the hell is this? WALTER My dirty undies dude. Laundry, The whites. DUDE Walter, I'm sure there's a reason you brought your dirty undies man. He closes the briefcase. WALTER Thaaaat's right, Dude. The weight. The ringer can't look empty. (CONTINUED) 40. CONTINUED: DUDE Walter--what the fuck are you thinking man? WALTER Well you're right, Dude, I got to thinking. I got to thinking why should we settle for a measly fucking twenty grand- DUDE We? What the fuck we? You said you just wanted to come along- WALTER My point, Dude, is why should we settle for twenty grand when we can keep the entire million. Am I wrong? DUDE Yes you're wrong. This isn't a fucking game man. WALTER Oh, but it is a game. You said so yourself. She kidnapped herself. DUDE I said I thought- The phone chirps. Dude grabs it. DUDE (CONT’D) Dude here. VOICE (German accent) Who is this? DUDE Dude the Bagman. Where do you want us to go? VOICE Us? DUDE Shit. . . yeah, you know, uh, me and the driver. I'm not uh, handling the money and driving the car and talking on the phone all by my fucking- (CONTINUED) 41. CONTINUED: (2) VOICE Shut the fuck up. Walter looks over at the Dude and bellows: WALTER Dude, are you fucking this up? VOICE Who is that? DUDE That is the driver, I told you- Click. Dial tone. DUDE (CONT’D) Oh shit. WALTER What the fuck's going on? DUDE Walter! WALTER What the fuck is going on? DUDE He hung up, man! You fucked it up! You fucked it up! Her life was in our hands man! WALTER Easy, Dude. DUDE We're screwed now! We don't get shit, they're gonna kill her! We're fucked, Walter! WALTER Nothing is fucked Dude. Come on. You're being very unDude. They'll call back. Look, she kidnapped her- The phone chirps. WALTER (CONT’D) Ya see? Nothing's fucked here, Dude. Nothing is fucked. They're a bunch of fucking amateurs- (CONTINUED) 42. CONTINUED: (3) DUDE But Walter, Walter will you just shut the fuck up! Don't say peep when I'm doing business here man. WALTER (patronizing) Okay Dude. Have it your way. The Dude unclips the phone from the battery pack. WALTER (CONT’D) But they're amateurs. The Dude glares at Walter. Into the phone: DUDE Dude. VOICE Okay, vee proceed. But only if there is no funny stuff. DUDE Yeah, yeah. VOICE So no funny stuff. Okay? DUDE Just tell me where the fuck you want us to go. A HIGHWAY SIGN: SIMI VALLEY ROAD NEXT LEFT. It flashes by in the headlights of the roaring car. DUDE (CONT’D) That was the sign man. Walter wrestles the car onto the two-lane road. WALTER So, all we gotta do is get her back, no one's in a position to complain, and we keep the baksheesh. DUDE Yeah, terrific, Walter. But you haven't told me how we're gonna get her back. Where is she? (CONTINUED) 43. CONTINUED: (4) WALTER That's the simple part, Dude. We make the handoff, I grab one of 'em and beat it out of him. He looks at the Dude. WALTER (CONT’D) ...Huh? DUDE Yeah. That's a great plan, Walter. That's fucking ingenious, if I understand it correctly. That's a Swiss fucking watch. WALTER Thaaat's right, Dude. The beauty of this is its simplicity. Once a plan gets too complex, everything can go wrong. If there's one thing I learned in Nam- The phone chirps. DUDE Dude. VOICE You are coming to a vooden bridge. When you cross the bridge you srow ze bag from ze left vindow of ze moving kar. You're being vatched. Click. Dial tone. DUDE FUCK. WALTER What'd he say? Where's the hand- off? DUDE There is no fucking hand-off man. At a wooden bridge we throw the money out of the car! WALTER Huh? (CONTINUED) 44. CONTINUED: (5) DUDE We throw the money out of the moving car! Walter stares dumbly for a beat. WALTER No, we can't do that, Dude. That fucks up our plan. DUDE Well call them up and explain it to 'em, Walter! Your plan is so fucking simple, I'm sure they'll fucking understand it! That's the beauty of it! WALTER Wooden bridge, huh? DUDE I'm throwing the money, Walter! We're not fucking around man! WALTER Ok, dude the bridge is coming up! Gimme the ringer, Chop-chop! DUDE Fuck that! Walter I love you, but sooner or later you're gonna have to face the fact that you're a goddamn moron. WALTER Okay, Dude. No time to argue. DUDE Hey man! hey- WALTER Here's the bridge- DUDE Walter! hey--hey walter hey- There is the bump and new steady of the car on the bridge. The Dude is holding the money briefcase from the back seat. Walter reaches one arm across Dude's body to grab the laundry. (CONTINUED) 45. CONTINUED: (6) WALTER There goes the ringer. He flings it out the window. DUDE What the fuck! WALTER Okay Dude, your wheel! DUDE Walter Hey, Hey what the fuck? WALTER At fifteen em-pee-aitch I roll out! I double back, grab one of 'em and beat it out of him! The uzi! DUDE Uzi? Walter grabs across the seat at the paper-wrapped bundle. WALTER You didn't think I was rolling out of here naked did ya! DUDE Walter, Walter what the- Walter has flung open his door and is leaning halfway out over the road. WALTER Fifteen! Dude This is it! Let's take that hill! DUDE Walter hey Walter- Walter rolls out with his parcel, giving a loud grunt as he hits the pavement. The car swerves and lurches and the Dude, cursing, takes the wheel. OUTSIDE Walter tumbles onto the shoulder and--RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!-muzzle flashes tear open the wrapping paper. INSIDE THE CAR The car rocks and the Dude wrestles with the wheel. 46. OUTSIDE The car clunks and screams around in a skid. INSIDE The Dude is thrown forward as the car hits something. OUTSIDE As the Dude struggles up holding the satchel of money. There is a distant engine roar. A motorcycle bumps up onto the road from the ravine under the bridge and, tires squealing, skids around to speed away in the opposite direction. It is closely followed by two more roaring motorcycles. DUDE Ah, ahhhh... The front of his car is crumpled into a pole. The car body saps back to the left, where the rear wheel has been shot out. WALTER is just rising from the ground massaging an injured knee. The Dude runs up the road toward the bridge, frantically waving the satchel in the air. DUDE (CONT’D) WE HAVE IT! WE HAVE IT!! WE HAVE IT!... WE...have it. The Dude and Walter stand in the middle of the road, watching the three red tail lights fishtail away. AFTER A LONG STARING SILENCE: WALTER Ahh fuck it dude, let's go bowling. INT. BOWLING ALLEY WALTER Stands at the end of the lane with a cigarette in his mouth and holding a bowling ball up in front of him. Slowly he walks to the line and rolls. (CONTINUED) 47. CONTINUED: He returns from the lane to where the Dude sits in the molded plastic chairs. The Dude listlessly holds the portable phone in his lap. It is ringing. WALTER Aitz chaim he, Dude. As the ex used to say. DUDE What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What the fuck're we gonna tell Lebowski? WALTER Huh? Oh, him, uh, I don't kn.. um-- what exactly is the problem? DUDE Ah, the problem is--what do you mean what's the- The portable phone stops ringing. DUDE (CONT’D) There was no--we didn't uh-- they're gonna kill that poor woman man. WALTER What the fuck're you talking about? That poor woman--that poor slut-- kidnapped herself, Com'on Dude. You said so yourself. DUDE Man! I said I thought she kidnapped herself! You're the one who's so fucking certain- WALTER That's right, Dude, 100% certain- Donny trots excitedly up. DONNY They posted the next round of the tournament- WALTER Donny, shut the fu--when do we play? (CONTINUED) 48. CONTINUED: (2) DONNY This Saturday. Quintana and- WALTER Saturday! Well they'll have to reschedule. DUDE Walter, what'm I gonna tell Lebowski? WALTER I told that fuck down at the league office-- who's in charge of scheduling? DUDE Walter- DONNY Burkhalter. WALTER I told that kraut a fucking thousand times I DON'T ROLL ON SHABBAS! DUDE Walter- DONNY He already posted it. WALTER WELL THEY CAN FUCKING UN-POST IT! DUDE WHO GIVES A SHIT! Uh, they're gonna kill that poor woman, man. What am I gonna tell Lebowski? WALTER C'mon Dude, uh, eventually she'll get sick of her little game and, you know, wander on back- DUDE Yeah uh... DONNY How come you don't roll on Saturday, Walter? (CONTINUED) 49. CONTINUED: (3) WALTER I'm shomer shabbos. DONNY What's that, Walter? DUDE Yeah, and in the meantime, what do I tell Lebowski? WALTER Saturday, Donny, is shabbos. The Jewish day of rest. That means I don't work, I um, don't drive a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit DON'T FUCKING ROLL! DONNY Sheesh. WALTER SHOMER SHABBAS! DUDE Walter, how am I going to--hows- WALTER Shomer fucking shabbas! The Dude gets to his feet with the portable phone. DUDE Oh fuck, that, that's it. I'm out of here. WALTER Aw come on Dude. Walter looks at Donny and silently mouths the words, 'What a fucking baby'. Walter stumbles up and he and Donny join the Dude as he walks out of the bowling alley. He rubs his leg that he hurt falling out of the car. WALTER (CONT’D) Dude! Dude! ... ow, fuck, you just tell him, uh tell him we made the drop and everything went, uh you know- (CONTINUED) 50. CONTINUED: (4) DONNY Oh yeah, how'd it go? WALTER Went alright. Dude's car got a little dinged up- DUDE Walter, we didn't make the fucking hand-off man! They didn't get, the fucking money and they're gonna-- they're gonna- WALTER "They're gonna kill that poor woman." He waves both arms as if conducting a symphony orchestra. WALTER (CONT’D) They're gonna kill that poor woman. DONNY Hey Walter, if you can't ride in a car, how d'you get around on Shammas- WALTER Really, Dude, you surprise me. They're not gonna kill shit. They're not gonna do shit. What can they do? They're a bunch of fuckin' amateurs. And meanwhile, look at the bottom line. Who's sitting on a million fucking dollars? Am I wrong? DUDE Walter- WALTER Who's got a fucking million fucking dollars sittin' in the trunk of our car? DUDE "Our" car, Walter? WALTER And what do they got? My dirty undies. My fucking whites---Say, Dude, where is your car? (CONTINUED) 51. CONTINUED: (5) The three bowlers, stopped at the edge of the lot, stare out at an empty parking space. DONNY Who's got your undies, Walter? WALTER Where's your car, Dude? DUDE You don't know, Walter? WALTER Hmm. It was parked in a handicapped zone. Perhaps they towed it. DUDE You fucking know it's been stolen! WALTER Well, certainly that's a possibility, Dude- DUDE Aw, fuck it. The Dude walks away across the lot. The portable phone starts ringing again. DONNY Where you going, Dude? DUDE I'm goin' home, Donny. DONNY Your phone's ringing, Dude. DUDE Thank you, Donny. INT. DUDE'S LIVING ROOM The Dude is sitting forward in his easy chair. Facing him on the couch are two uniformed policeman, one middle-aged, the other a fresh-faced rookie. The portable phone in the Dude's lap chirps. The Dude waits for the rings to end. When they do: (CONTINUED) 52. CONTINUED: (6) DUDE (CONT’D) Uh, yeah, uh, green. Some uh, brown, uh or, rust, coloration. YOUNGER COP And was there anything of value in the car? DUDE (dully) Oh uh, yeah. Uh, a tape deck. Some Creedence tapes. And there was a, uh. . .uh my briefcase. YOUNGER COP In the briefcase? DUDE Uh, uh Papers. Ya know, just papers. Uh you know, my papers. Business papers. The Dude reacts to the question by pushing back into the chair. YOUNGER COP And what do you do, sir? DUDE I'm unemployed. The home phone starts ringing--a ring distinct from the chirp of the portable. The Dude makes no move to answer it. DUDE (CONT’D) My rug was also stolen. YOUNGER COP Your rug was in the car. The Dude waves his hand over the floor. DUDE No. Here. YOUNGER COP Separate incidents? The Dude looks over at the phone. Silence. Finally the rings stop as an answering machine kicks on. (CONTINUED) 53. CONTINUED: (7) Dude's Voice on Machine, 'The Dude's not in. Leave a message after the beep. It takes a minute.' DUDE You find them much? Uh these stolen cars? YOUNGER COP Sometimes. I wouldn't hold out much hope for the tape deck though. OLDER COP Or the Creedence. DUDE Well what about uhhhhhh, the briefcase? Beep. FEMALE VOICE ON MACHINE Mr. Lebowski, I'd like to see you. Call when you get home and I'll send a car for you. My name is Maude Lebowski. I'm the one who took your rug. YOUNGER COP Well, I guess we can close the file on that one. INT. MAUDE'S LOFT TRACKING FORWARD We are moving through the open living area of a large downtown L.A. loft. A huge unfinished canvas, lit by standing industrial lights, dominates the floor. The furnishings are spare given the space. We hear a rumble like an approaching bowling ball. The Dude, standing in the middle of the loft, looks into the murky depths of the cavernous space. Something huge and white hurtles towards the Dude's head. As it roars overhead he ducks, and spins to watch it pass. We see the backside of a naked woman in a sling suspended from a ceiling track rumbling over a canvas that lies on the floor. She holds a paint brushes in both hands with which she flicks paint down at the canvas. (CONTINUED) 54. CONTINUED: Two young men in paint-spattered shorts, T-shirts and sneakers reach the sling shortly after it reaches the end of its track and slowly lower the woman to the floor. VOICE Elfranco. Ajuda me abajo. I'll be with you in a moment, Mr. Lebowski. The two men help Maude out of her sling. She is naked except for leather harness straps which ring her breasts and wrap her thighs and give her something of a dominatrix look. MAUDE Does the female form make you uncomfor- table, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Uh, is that what this is a picture of? MAUDE In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal. Which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina. DUDE Oh yeah? MAUDE Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say. Whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his "dick" or his "rod" or his "Johnson". DUDE "Johnson"? MAUDE All right, Mr. Lebowski, let's get down to cases. My father told me he's agreed to let you have the rug, but it was a gift from me to my late mother, and so was not his to give. Now. She hands the dude a cloth. MAUDE (CONT’D) Your face... As for this "kidnapping"- (CONTINUED) 55. CONTINUED: (2) DUDE Huh? MAUDE Yes, I know about it. And I know that you acted as courier. And let me tell you something: the whole thing stinks to high heaven. DUDE Yeah, right, but, but let me explain something about that rug- MAUDE Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Excuse me? MAUDE Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it? DUDE I was talking about my rug. MAUDE You're not interested in sex? DUDE You mean coitus? MAUDE I like it too. It's a male myth about feminists that we hate sex. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise. However there are some people--it is called satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women--who engage in it compulsively and without joy. DUDE Oh, no. MAUDE Oh yes Mr. Lebowski, these unfortunate souls cannot love in the true sense of the word. Our mutual acquaintance Bunny is one of these. (CONTINUED) 56. CONTINUED: (3) DUDE Listen, Maude uh, I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho, but uh, I don't see what this has to do with uh--do you have any Kahlua? MAUDE Take a look at this, sir. DUDE Hmm? She aims a remote at a projection TV. The screen flickers to life. A title card: JACKIE TREEHORN PRESENTS Uli is driving a car. DUDE (CONT’D) Oh, I know that guy. He's a nihilist. SECOND CARD: KARL HUNGUS DUDE (CONT’D) Karl Hungus. A THIRD CARD: BUNNY LAJOYA A FOURTH CARD: LOGJAMMIN' The Dude is at the bar, a bottle of Kahlua frozen halfway to his glass. From the television set we hear a doorbell ring, and then a door opening. On the TV screen the door opens to reveal a sallow-faced man in White cover-alls. It is Uli, the floater in Lebowski's pool. The girl answering the door is Bunny Lebowski. BUNNY Hi. (CONTINUED) 57. CONTINUED: (4) ULI Hello. Mein dizbatcher says zere iss somezing wrong mit deine kable. BUNNY Yeah, come on in, I'm not really sure exactly what's really wrong with the cable. ULI Dat's vhy day zent me, I'm un exspert. BUNNY The TV's in here. MAUDE You recognize her, of course. ULI Helga, bring mein toolz. From off camera a voice says, a faint "Okay" BUNNY Oh, that's my friend Shari. She just came over to use the shower. MAUDE (grimly) The story is ludicrous. ULI Mein nommen ist Karl. ich bin expert. SHARI You must be here to fix the cable. MAUDE Good lord. You can imagine where it goes from here. DUDE He fixes the cable? MAUDE Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey. Maude switches off the set. (CONTINUED) 58. CONTINUED: (5) MAUDE (CONT’D) Little matter to me that this woman chose to pursue a career in pornography, nor that she has been "banging" Jackie Treehorn, to use the parlance of our times. However. I am one of two trustees of the Lebowski Foundation, the other being my father. The Foundation takes youngsters from Watts and- DUDE Shit yeah, the Achievers. MAUDE Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, yes, and proud we are of all of them. I asked my father about his withdrawal of a million dollars from the Foundation account and he told me about this "abduction", but I tell you it is preposterous. This compulsive fornicator is taking my father for the proverbial ride. DUDE Yeah, but my- MAUDE I'm getting to your rug. My father and I don't get along; he doesn't approve of my lifestyle and, needless to say, I don't approve of his. However, I hardly wish to make my father's embezzlement a police matter, so I'm proposing that you try to recover the money from the people you delivered it to. DUDE Well-- I could do that- MAUDE If you successfully do so, I will compensate you to the tune of 10% of the recovered sum. DUDE A hundred. MAUDE Thousand, yes, bones or clams or whatever you call them. (CONTINUED) 59. CONTINUED: (6) DUDE Yeah ah, but, but what about my uh- MAUDE --your rug, yes, well with that money you can buy any number of rugs that don't have sentimental value for me. And I am sorry about that crack on the jaw. DUDE Oh that's that's fine. It doesn't even uh- MAUDE Here's the name and number of a doctor who will look at it for you. You will receive no bill. He's a good man, and thorough. DUDE Tha, tha, That's thoughtful but- MAUDE Please see him, Jeffrey. He's a good man, and thorough. DUDE Oh, uh... all right. INT. LIMO The Dude sits in back holding a White Russian, listening to the chauffeur, a man of about the same age. DRIVER --So he says, "My wife's a pain in the ass. She's always tryin' to bust my friggin aggets, my daughter's married to a Jadrool loser bastard, I got a rash so bad on my ass I can't even siddown. But you know me. I can't complain." THROUGH RASPING LAUGHTER: DUDE Fuckin' A, man. I got a rash man. Fuckin' A... He takes a sip of a freshly-mixed White Russian, which leaves milk on his mustache. (CONTINUED) 60. CONTINUED: DUDE (CONT’D) ...I gotta tell ya Ton' man, earlier in the day, I was feeling really shitty man. Really down in the dumps. Lost a little money... TONY Heyh you know what? Forgeddaboutit huh, forgedaboutit. DUDE Yeah, fuck it man! I can't be worried about that shit. Life goes on man! TONY Well home sweet home, Mr. L. The limo has rolled to a stop. The Dude gets out, still holding his drink. TONY (CONT’D) Hey yo, com'eer. Who's your friend in the Volkswagon? Tony jerks a thumb over his shoulder. DUDE Huh? The Dude turns to look. HIS POV Halfway up the block a Volkswagon bug has pulled over to the curb. In the driver's seat we see a fat man's shape. TONY Yeah, he followed us here. The Dude scowls. DUDE When did he start fol-- whoaaaa-what the fuck! The Dude is grabbed from behind and muscled away in a half- nelson by another uniformed chauffeur. SECOND CHAUFFEUR Into the limo, you sonofabitch. No arguments. (CONTINUED) 61. CONTINUED: (2) As he is frog-marched towards another limo the Dude holds his drink away from his chest and up out of the way. DUDE Hey, hey, hey careful, man! There's a beverage here! The waiting limo's back door is flung open. INSIDE The Dude is shoved in and awkwardly and he lands on his side in a seat facing the front. The door is slammed behind him. His drink is still intact. LEBOWSKI Start talking and talk fast you lousy bum! BRANDT We've been frantically trying to reach you, Dude. Brandt sits catty-corner from the Dude; directly across from the Dude is the big Lebowski, a comforter across his knees. LEBOWSKI Where's my goddamn money, you bum?! DUDE Well, well we--I, I, I don't- LEBOWSKI They did not receive the money, you nitwit! They did not receive the money! HER LIFE WAS IN YOUR HANDS! BRANDT This is our concern, Dude. DUDE No, man, nothing is fucked here- LEBOWSKI NOTHING IS FUCKED! DUDE No man- LEBOWSKI THE GODDAMN PLANE HAS CRASHED INTO THE MOUNTAIN! (CONTINUED) 62. CONTINUED: (3) DUDE Well man, come on, who're you gonna believe? Those guys or uh--we dropped off the damn money- LEBOWSKI WE?! DUDE I--the royal we, you know, the editorial--I dropped off the money, exactly as per--Look, man I've got certain information alright? Certain things have come to light, and uh, ya know, has it ever occurred to you, that uh, instead of uh, you know running around, uh uh, blaming me, given the nature of all this new shit, you know it, it it, this could be a uh, a lot more uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean it's not just, it might not be, just such a simple, uh--you know? LEBOWSKI What in God's holy name are you blathering about? DUDE Well I'll tell you what I'm blathering about! I got information man--new shit has come to light and and--shit, man! She kidnapped herself! Lebowski stares at him, dumbstruck. The Dude is encouraged. DUDE (CONT’D) Well sure man, look at it! Ya know. A young trophy wife, in the parlance of our times, ya know. She uh, uh, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers- ha, and that's cool, that's that's cool-- I- I'm saying, she needs money man, and uh, you know, of course they're gonna say they didn't get it, uh uh, because she wants more, man, she's gotta feed the monkey, I- I mean--uh, hasn't that ever occurred to you man? Sir? (CONTINUED) 63. CONTINUED: (4) LEBOWSKI (quietly) No Mr. Lebowski, that had not occurred to me. BRANDT That had not occurred to us, Dude. DUDE Uh, okay, ya know, you guys aren't privy to all the new shit, so uh, you know, but hey, that's what you, that's what you pay me for. Aha... The Dude takes a hurried sip from his drink. Um. Speaking of which, do you think uh, that you could uh, give me my twenty thousand in cash? Uh, my concern is, and I've gotta check with, with my accountant, but that this might bump me up into a higher tax uh- LEBOWSKI Brandt, give him the envelope. DUDE Oh well, if you've already got the, check made out, that that's cool. Brandt is handing him a letter- sized envelope which is distended by something inside. BRANDT We received it this morning. The Dude, frowning, untucks its flap, takes out some cotton wadding and unrolls it. LEBOWSKI Since you have failed to achieve, even in the modest task that was your charge, since you have stolen my money, since you have unrepentantly betrayed my trust. I have no choice but to tell these bums to do whatever is necessary to recover their money from you, Jeffrey Lebowski. And with Brandt as my witness, I will tell you this: The wadding, undone, reveals a smaller wad of ga
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