ElvisParsly

80581 pts · March 1, 2014


After dropping out of high school I joined a circus and obtained employment feeding non-essential parts of my body to animals in a fifty cent side show. Billed as 'Kalvin Kan, The Amazing Anthropocentric Organ Grinder', I prospered there until the show went bankrupt due to lagging interest and several climacteric legal proceedings. Insolvent and without any real prospects, I sold plasma, which provided me with enough money to survive. And although it wasn't actually my own plasma, it eventually allowed me to save enough money to invest in a famous nation-wide chain of drive-thru liquor and gun shops. Although my 'Speedy Bullets And Bourbon' franchise did provide me with a tidy revenue, the combination of driving, firearms and drunkenness were inexplicably becoming 'politically incorrect', so I wisely sold my share in the enterprise to The Branch Davidians. It was then that I developed an interest in religious profiteering, so I invested my capital into a remunerative ideology and created 'The Church Of The Benign Idea', a quasi-religious organization which espoused the ideals of meddlesome indoctrination and ungoverned venality. As ticket boy and minister of propaganda, I was free to further my individual conception of moralistic reality, while at the same time reaping the benefits of an opportune non-taxable income. However, due to an embarrassing sexual tryst I had with an entire Tupperware party in 1990, I was compelled to resign my position by my congregation due to what were described as 'moral anachronisms'. It was at that point in my life that I was forced to find employment in a field with absolutely no moral center or ethical code. So, I considered either turning to the talk-show circuit, prostitution, or becoming an attorney. Then, in a bold notion, I had the inspiration to combine these professions, but the pilot for 'Law and Order: Judicial Pimp-izle' just raised too many eyebrows in the heart of white-bread America. Scandalized, financially exasperated and politically destitute, I went utterly insane and moved back to my home town of Pittsfield, Massachusetts, where my previous experience with bodily fluids and Tupperware helped me to obtain a position as tour guide at the Berkshire Museum's Ancient Egyptian Plastic Canoptic Jar display, where I am employed to this day. Come down and see me anytime!

Its Spooky Time Y'all

Points 4
Comments 2
Views 572

FYMD

Points 29
Comments 2
Views 422

I would swipe right. I would swipe right so hard.

Points 22
Comments 3
Views 577

Surprise! The inside of my asshole! The attending physician forgot his flashlight.

Points 20
Comments 0
Views 196

Nothing like a Western on a Sunday afternoon.

Points 190
Comments 42
Views 15649

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FYMD

Points 4
Comments 1
Views 281

But eggs are soooo expensive!

Points 22
Comments 10
Views 443

FYMD

Points 25
Comments 3
Views 352

FYMD

Points 27
Comments 4
Views 416

It's my Cake Day! Metal Cake Day that is. Enjoy!

Points 65
Comments 21
Views 1311

FYMD

Points 192
Comments 28
Views 3928

FYMD

Points 25
Comments 4
Views 311

Spider battle upgrade...

Points 52
Comments 8
Views 1671

FYMD

Points 11
Comments 0
Views 250

THEY'RE EATING THE FROGS- THEY'RE EATING THE BATS... HALLOWEEN IS UNDER ATTACK

Points 7
Comments 4
Views 408

Sound-on Good Time Video Dumpo- C'mon Feel the Noise

Points 67
Comments 2
Views 1815

FYMD

Points 18
Comments 1
Views 285

FYMD

Points 36
Comments 6
Views 331

46 Years Ago- That's right kids, 46 years ago- This banger was released...

Points 572
Comments 68
Views 28650

Incredible playthrough of CRYPTA's "Poisonous Apathy" by Jéssica di Falchi. (Banana for scale)

Points 9
Comments 1
Views 527

The lost Horadric Music Dump! What a fortunate turn of events… As the last living Horadrim, I alone have knowledge of its meaning. Now, to listen to the Horadric tunes it bears.

Points 125
Comments 7
Views 2604

MASSIVE Dumperino- Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wifi - Video love from my router to yours.

Points 75
Comments 8
Views 1647

THE (mostly) METAL MUSIC DUMP

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Views 39799

Happy-Time Dump for Trying Times- Scroll awhile and smile...

Points 42
Comments 2
Views 1133

DJT- BANANA FOR SCALE

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Comments 6
Views 449

MASSIVE SPOILER- Deadpool & Wolverine- Don't look if you don't wanna know

Points 33
Comments 1
Views 642

OMG- if you want a real treat- watch this GEM- Trump spars with reporters at Black journalists' conference over Kamala Harris' ethnicity, immigration and jobs

Points 45
Comments 9
Views 722

The Amazing Dolly Parton (Banana for scale)

Points 14
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Views 704

Clint Eastwood Movie Trivia: The More You Know

Points 20
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Views 1240

Midnight Special Dump HD: Travel with me now through Space, Time, and Sound...

Points 607
Comments 84
Views 39815

I moved on Trump like a bitch. You know, I’m automatically attracted to voting — I just start voting. It’s like a magnet. Just vote. I don’t even wait. And when you’re registered, they let you do it.

Points 1387
Comments 63
Views 28183

Show & Tell: My Toy Collection! Hey, you gotta have a hobby.

Points 1069
Comments 167
Views 69283

New and Totally Original Cartoon I created. I think I may have a future in the animation biz.

Points 27
Comments 4
Views 1249

BABY, THIS DUMP IS CLEANR' THAN SKEETER'S PETER

Points 701
Comments 75
Views 42806

Vote. Vote as if your life depended on it. Tell your friends. Get them registered. VOTE!!!

Points 456
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Views 36039

Organically inactive meat or vegetable matter between two starched plains

Points 873
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Views 59365

Richard Lewis, Comedian and ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ Star, Dies at 76

Points 24
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Views 561

May the 4th be with you! And also with you!

Points 18
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Views 790

Klaus Nomi: An elusive genius gone 40 years

Points 1324
Comments 115
Views 106190

Ride with me, for my pleasure

Points 1248
Comments 108
Views 65209

SUPER-MEGA VIDEO DUMP 8- Hide yo kids, hide yo Wifi... Ladies and Gentlemen, It's The Eric André Show Edition!

Points 25
Comments 10
Views 1693

The Sardaukar: come for the training, stay for the throat chanting. A visually luscious movie, in the tradition of David Lean films.

Points 815
Comments 246
Views 100042

SUPER-MEGA VIDEO DUMP 7- Hide yo kids, hide yo Wifi... absolutely guaranteed to have something you've NEVER seen before!

Points 92
Comments 14
Views 2428

SUPER-MEGA VIDEO DUMP 6- Hide yo kids, hide yo Wifi... absolutely guaranteed to have something you've NEVER seen before!

Points 1069
Comments 88
Views 49761
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