BondHaimBond
172949
3690
126
Took the day off, spent two hours creating this oc. Best decision I've made in a while.
Dec 6, 2017 3:05 PM
BondHaimBond
172949
3690
126
Took the day off, spent two hours creating this oc. Best decision I've made in a while.
Gasquatch
You think telemarketing is your ally? You merely adopted telemarketing. I was born in it, molded buy it. The last guy probably
NobodyReally3
You're right. I do need a diamond ring to cut my tomaters
5NoteHalf
Sock thing for oldsters is the ONLY thing on the whole page that should ever have made it past concept-drawing stage.
moraismeep
I imagine that last one would be super helpful for people with turrets that're embarrassed about it.
slayston
Ok but I'd totally take the Phone Cell for my board game nights..yoink my friends phones and lock them up for playtime!
GothKirby
So you're telling me I don't have to cut all my tomatoes with my engagement ring??
dietderpsy
For when your marriage is on a knife edge.
roya112
My boss has the glasses, she was so ecstatic when she bought them.
iatha
Moguntia
The sock slider is very useful for old people who have to wear compression hosiery
SometimesForgotten
Order now and you will get two pieces of crap, just pay separate handling charge.
ryan01
agumonkey
hushme: bad breath suicide tool
RabidHobo
All of these were on the Jimmy Kimmel show last night. I know because I watched to see what Tracee Ellis Ross was like as a host.
RadioSilenceDW
I don't understand the relation between a diamond ring and a knife.
LarvaLamp
I see you've never played Knifey-Ringy before.
hankthetankk
So the last one doesn't turn you into Bane?
drenix
People will care who you are now
AllTheGoodOnesWereGone
I now have a motherfucking bluetooth toothbrush, that maps my mouth in real-time on an app as I brush.
dietderpsy
And so the NSA can put tracking chips in your teeth.
hungitalianohwaitthisisntgrindr
you say it like you didn’t know that when you got it.
Karppa8484
The third one was invented by finnish genius Uuno Turhapuro because his wife didnt let him drink so he would go skiing.
domenick91
"No one cared who I was until I put on the Hushme™"
Plusonefortheroad
I've found it too easy to salt my food lately, that salt shaker with an app is a gift. Is the first one trying to marry the tomato btw?
dapperlaputan
That tomatoe was simply gushing at being asked
curlysoup3129
He liked it .. tryna put a ring on it
JARKB
I think the tomato said no.
IncorrektGramerNazi
in its own, messy, way.
johnzaku
It’s saying “diamonds are hard and sharp, but don’t use your ring, use this diamond edged knife!”
Ozarck
"and also, don't shove your thumb into the tomato when stabbing it with jewelry."
Niddhoger
..... is it saying that to retards?
joesmamma
classicgrinder
I kinda want to toothbrush one....
poonanipirate
It's in its development stages! My boyfriend actually bought us two for when they're ready for market, like through kickstarter. Fancy shit
preparetosigh
me too. I have been imagining such a device for years...
fettuccine
AMABRUSH. that and the sock one are pretty nifty. everything else was stupid
KyIr
well, i'm pretty sure hush me is for people with tourette, and i can totally see how the makeup glasses can help someone.
fettuccine
I can understand that.
VicL333
I remember reading about it a long time ago.All you have to do is grind your teeth for like 10 seconds and you get a full clean supposedly.
L3viath0n
I wouldn't trust the 10 seconds bit, because a standard brush needs 2 minutes, but otherwise it seems pretty nifty.
SlyReflex
It's brushing all your teeth at the same time, so the 2 minutes brush is divided by how many teeth you have.
readbackmonkey
That hushme thing can make you sound like Darth Vader! http://gethushme.com/#features
somethingsomethingwittyhere
Does it give you an irrational hate of sand and random youngling massacre tendencies too?
IllegalDuckling
I already had the youngling massacre tendencies but I've always liked sand a little bit *too* much for my taste!
ijoinedtoolate
The tac bat is basically what the bulky flashlights were used for anyways. All them D cells make for hefty batons
AlexDuos
Yeah we had a cop who I used to train with. He'd say, "All this jujutsu is nice but give me a maglite any day,"
Mishn0
Especially if they're MIL-SPEC BA-30 batteries. Some of you will know what I mean. We called them "one hour wonders".
confirmsthings
My dad used to work for Pelco. They'd give those to employees and he got a whole bunch. Fantastic range, too, those Maglights.
ThatOneGuyOP
WHY DO YOU PEOPLE TURN EVERYTHING INTO FUCKING FLASKS!!?!?!?
Traja01
A lot of people drink and ski. Surprised this is a new thing.
Lamech777
BECAUSE ITS 5 O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE!
DarkwingDuc
Because EVERYTHING is vastly improved by a couple nips of Bourbon.
grotjam
They're alcoholics.
SarcasticComment
To be fair, many ski poles are already hollow, might as well store liquor in them since it won't freeze.
LordKrondor9000
I love the idea. Flasks are a bitch and a half to open with gloves on.
Wronggifplacement
Flask people
fettuccine
white people
heXonyou
F U I need that goddamn whisky filled ski pole!
NonConformistFlamingo
The sock slider thing is actually useful for people with limited mobility. Everything else is bollocks, though.
IUpvoteLOTRMemes
Wtf is a bollock?...
NovemberIndiaCharlieKilo
Did you miss the ski poles that can be filled with whiskey?
MistressLyda
The toothbrush thing could also be useful, if it is working as it looks like it is supposed to.
Zahnradfee
I would argue the make-up glasses can be useful too. Just imagine you don't see very well, but you also cannot paint your eyes while wea- >
OliverOcelot
Except im pretty sure the girl in the infomercial is a robot
Zahnradfee
ring normal glasses. But glasses with one eye accessible - they are just what you need.
NickBlacksHumor
Live at home dont want your parents to hear you dirty talking that cam whore all your money from the cashier job goes to, now you they cant
SonOfKazar
Skwisgaar? Did you write this?
garybear
I feel like that’d be good for gaming in a public place like a library at school or something
n080dy123
Assuming it works at all, which I somehow doubt it does.
GrimReaper411
“now you they cant” I like this.
BoredZen
u put the leg
skepticalatbest
Read that in a Rick and Morty extra character's voice
NickBlacksHumor
character limits gotta love em
confirmsthings
Get now this easy device for no less than $95,99!
TheNonInsestuousJaime
I wish I had about 20 of those to put on the people at my office
MySushi
Unfortunately, such devices represent a personal choice and will only ever be bought by considerate people. Only law can rein in the rest.
TheNonInsestuousJaime
Wait, so I can't force my coworkers to use them? Gotta go cancel an order...
Mugfan
Need salt? I'll just update this app real quick.
jbilly90
My boss would use it
TheRealMcCoy92
What will we do about pepper???
ChiLLeCheeze
If I wanted salt, I'd go play a MOBA or an FPS. The salt flows freely in those games.
laufox
rezpawner
Hi I'm your salt-app. I also need access to your phone, e-mail, social security number and your mother's panty drawers. No reason.
DrewBerg
Oh shit, forgot to charge the salt dispenser. Sorry
jcow1995
"Hold up, it's connecting."
ticktockbent
Now in SaltApp 2.3 you can schedule salt dispensing for hands free operation! Input amount and precise time for salt dispensing!
FartsAtUrinals
*upgrade to pro-version for unlimited salting!
NeverCast
*offer microtransactions and p2w for unlimited salting!
StopAskingMeForAnAccountImgurIWannaLurk
Disable ads with pro now!!!! Just $5.99
SHIKAKAAAAA
Or just play Leage of Legends
Craftyclaw
I always laugh at "military grade metal", the military just buys the cheapest contract out there lol
astrobrains
100% this
ematic
It's the best marketing ploy. "WTF why is this made of pot metal? It just broke!" "Dude, we told you it's military grade..."
CuntyBollocksThe2nd
If it meets all of the criteria at the cheapest price why pay more than you have to
ehoba666
And they still pay WAY too much
sunyudai
Well, the cheapest one that's situated in a congressman's constituency.
hungitalianohwaitthisisntgrindr
this^
IhopeyougetstageIIIcoloncancer
Technically, "grade" is the level of base specs and "quality" is the level of polish. Military grade is good because their spec is tough.
DemSumBigAssRidges
From an engineering standpoint, it's about the specifications of the metal, but it's just like saying ASME except blowhards think it's cool.
OldSchoolNewRules
I've worked on MIL-SPEC stuff. Its overdesigned as hell. Its the lowest bidder but its still the right material for the job.
thatguyyouthinkyouknow7
Unless they're buying buying parts for nuclear reactors. They take that shit seriously
Abrausedteleprot
thank god
Craftyclaw
Well to a lesser extent aircraft parts also, and I've denied my fair share of brand new parts
TheMaleWhiteCIS
Seriously though. Having been in the military, I now look at that advertising slogan as saying "cheap garbage"
dwilson0725
Currently working for a navy contractor, the material is high grade, lowest price. Extensive QA.
Craftyclaw
I won't deny that it is "usually" high grade, but than again I've seen parts come in with stress fractures off the bat or just crumble
dwilson0725
Sure, which should be inspected and promptly returned to the vendor. Most suppliers don't want to screw up a government contract.
Sm9yCg
At least they are honest about the shitty quality of thier made-in-china crapstick.
somethingsomethingwittyhere
When in battle, always remember that your rifle and ammo were made by the lowest bidder. Who bribed the procurement committee.
Craftyclaw
TheOnlyPtylerdactyl
"Hello yes my flashlight hit a bump and now it needs a new drive train"
PrestonUnverrich
I feel this. My drive train snapped at the rear differential on a Korean highway. 4 hours to get a wrecker there.
ticktockbent
*fleshlight
WyldStallynsRule
The freakin' motherboard in my computer calls itself "Military Class". It's utterly ridiculous.
Corona688
MSI?
WyldStallynsRule
Yup.
Corona688
They are such shit. You have my sympathy.
Mokisaurus
Also "space age" technology. Thats anything made in the last 50 years!
NationalAeronauticsAndSpaceAdministration
However at the time anything space age quality (or in use by the space program) was of absurdly fine quality. Especially the computers.
stormegedendarklordofall
Those computers that took up a room, that's a space age computer....
FindusSomKatten
the mechanical omega watch the used in the launch sequence
stormegedendarklordofall
@NationalAeronauticsandSpaceAdministration
CrypticalEnvelopement
Cheapest contract that meets the specifications, you can't use aluminum cans to make a jet
Craftyclaw
Military grade and aircraft grade are two different things lol
gleely
not with that attitude!
FreshPrinceOfWhiterun
They'll die trying tho
whoopsywoo
thats why military grade is useless as a mark of quality.
echonite
It's not useless, it's just not the best. Better than most though.
whoopsywoo
Guess it depends on what you are talking about. A military grade rifle is "just good enough" a military grade radar system is top of line
echonite
Well a rifle would have to meet the requirements for the military. Durability, reliability, etc.
Craftyclaw
Go talk to ch 46 guys and ask them what they used to patch holes with, youl hear anything from dip tins to spare scrap lol
Vernietiging
Isn't that how F-22 was made?
whoopsywoo
I could go on for days and days about thr F-22
VoidofStatic
skipweasel
The sock-putter-onner is actually a godsend for people who can't put their socks on. My mum would have loved one when she was at that stage.
MichaelLucifer
As someone who has had two knee surgeries the sock thing would be cool as it's hard to put on socks and shoes for that leg.
ReSouler
I've had 3 ACL's done. I agree. Plus I'm kinda fat now.
MichaelLucifer
Yeah I'm a bit on the big side myself my friend XD
TheGeneral23
This was my Christmas present to my mum. She had a stroke and had severe left sided neurothopy. It literally changed how she looked/felt
twerksforfish
it works, my mom has one. its great
shakeface
I could honestly use the sock thing with my fractured thumb and chipped index finger
KatyaThePyrate
I wish I had one after shoulder surgery. One handed socking is pretty much impossible.
skruttet
YES! I've worked with old people, a lot of times the only thing they would need me for was to put on socks.
fartyandbloated
I had back surgery and they wouldn't discharge me until I learned to use something like this even though I only wear sandals (no socks).
donutjudgeme
A lot of the infomercial stuff was designed for disabled people. They have to sell it to normals to make money.
torthorse
Hip replacements too - you're not allowed to bend far enough
ZOMGNO
Grandma broke her hip putting on socks. She was about 88 at the time and standing on one leg to do it... she fell.
mavi222
The sock-putter was on the Czech Shark Tank https://youtu.be/IDFnfW0Z3wQ?t=6m7s (warning - Czech language)
Pingsquirrel
What people forget is most of these products are aimed not at able bodied people but the infirm.
Maahes0
Yeah I ended up getting one after injuring my back. It helped a ton. Though mine is the 2 ropes version.
pinhead881
Yeah a lot of these products are made for disabled people but the ads look ridiculous because they don't want to say so outright.
AjitPai
I just recovered after two weeks of being immobilized by back pain. I've had to wear flip flops for errands. Its 40 degrees outside.
just4thelolz
But 40°C is hot as balls! Perfect weather for flip flops.
FoeHamm3r
I'm 29, in decent-ish health, and it looked awesome. I'm just lazy... And kinda fat...
kitkatt908
I was about to say the same thing.. it breaks my heart watching my dad try to every morning.
skipweasel
Ah - yes - the tension between wanting to help and wanting them to be independent. I think it's easier with kids than adults.
stinkingyeti
My lower back is all sorts of fucked up, i kind of want that sock thing.
90sWereGold
I saw it at a dollar store last night and joked to the wife about it. crazy
MayorDeweyMayorDewey
toothbrush one looks nice for people who dont have enough range of movement in their arms/hands, or struggle w/ gripping the toothbrush
Laimbrane
I'm sure there's a use for it, but goddamn if those awful actors aren't hilarious.
GENERALDISCOMFORT
I slipped a disk in my back and couldn't walk or bend for about a week. I wish I had one 9f those sock things.
MrBlinkco
My father has lou gehrig's disease. I bought him one of those sock helpers. It makes his morning a little eaiser.
Plusonefortheroad
Sounds like putting on pants might be a struggle too then?
mavi222
The person who invented the sock thing also invented the similar thing for pants (source: it was on the Czech Shark Tank)
skipweasel
Yes, but she seemed to manage that. Actually sock-putter-onners are readily available and I've a feeling she may have had one at some point.
Snooj
I've never considered this before but for people who can only see with glasses, that eye makeup one is probably very useful.
freya951
that's what I thought too, it may be silly but if it works and it's only for application, not wearing around, why not use it?
dryerfresh
Except my eyes each have a different prescription level, so it would only help with one eye.
Snooj
Well, I guess they need a No Freaks disclaimer.
CharlieWoolf
u do realize it's very normal 2 have different prescriptions? It's the same as being right or left handed. One is just better at doing stuff
SteevyT
Technically I would need to have two prescriptions for my eyes, my left eye is noticeable worse. Although, both are better than 20/20
SharkBaitOohHaHah
I'm 9 mos pregnant and it looks like a godsend
chunkeesalsa
SharkBait-OooHaHa!
nevergoingtogiveyouupnevergoingtoletyoudown
Yeah, but they could do without the condescending "You need this because you're an idiot" method of sales pitch.
HighlandPotatoe
It's what my other half was for. Then again, I kept crying when I couldn't do stuff myself.
redbullvodka
Yeah, when I was pregnant that thing would have been my best friend.
quietlysinister
I gave up and wore sandals.
skruttet
Congratulations! I hope your first poop after delivery is as interesting and hilarious as my was.
SharkBaitOohHaHah
My friend brought me prune juice so I'd "have it ready" and laughed at me when I asked why...
skruttet
I didn't know, and the nurses forgot to give it to me. Interesting experience three days later.
LeagueOfExtraordinaryOwlbearnians
Yeah, was just thinking in a couple of months that would be useful
BurntMomWarfare
I'm 3 months pregnant and it looks like a god send
PinkyToeSlayerOfTableLegs
Congrats on your fuck trophy.
PedroWasAlreadyInUse
PinkyToeSlayerOfTableLegs
Why?! D:
neezie
Preeaaaaach. 7 mo pregnant with twins and want.
MayorDeweyMayorDewey
holy shit. good luck!
neezie
Thank you! Need it! Lol
BondHaimBond
that i agree with. but it will probably be used by lazy fat people.
mynameisbarryallenandiamthefastestmanalive
And?
skipweasel
True, but there's plenty of old people who would appreciate being able to put their own socks on.
SirSnickleFritz
As someone who had serious back surgery, it would have been a grewt thing to have during the first year of recovery
PolarHailStorm
Doesn't matter!
xXCloud9Xx
My friend has MS, she actually has to use one of these. Apparently they are great!
FreedomWaffles
or old people. or injured old people. or people that are at that age where death is close.
FlyingButtPliers
Brown recluse spider applicator.
EveryKittenIsALion
In Germany you may get a prescription for this after a hip surgery...
Homophone
As a fat person, can confirm.
topshelfassistant
What makes you think they use socks?
MrAgnosticman
Or lazy thin people
iSAIDgoodDaYYsir
Or preggos
DrantonMason
As a fat person, fuck you. It's pretty goddamn difficult to put on socks at my size. You ever tried to fold 1/2
BondHaimBond
many have tried this miracle trick, not eating.
DrantonMason
an overstuffed pillow in half? Pretty damn difficult right? Now image it being a leg and you can see how hard it is doing that every day 2/2
TeamSpicyTacos
just run me over with a steam roller at that stage.
TresusIbor
Sure thing!
skipweasel
You reckon that'll make you more pliable?
tehAlek
Wait until you slip a disc in your 30s and can't put on socks.
skipweasel
Well - mum developed MS in her 50s and lasted another 40 years. 30 of them were fairly independent. Except for socks and shoes.
TeamSpicyTacos
well I now feel horrible for my comment in retrospect. will you allow me to delete it? I agree, it is a really useful item 1/2
TeamSpicyTacos
I had more of a flash of horror at being that unflexible. but, life would still be good to live. you are a stronger human than I thanks!
skipweasel
You can delete if it you like, or let it stand with your change of heart. The latter would be more instructive for others.
TeamSpicyTacos
agreed, let this conversation stand. peace to you and your family