SteffersAzali
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Waxsmile
I was interviewing a guy once and asked him his biggest weakness and he said, totally straight-faced "chocolate".
Helios24
That pizza one hit a little too close to home.
INeedSeriousMedication
With a title like that, I was skeptical, but OP came through.
sirplayerone
Fuckin' Skeletor, man.
Artch
Last one got me. There, hold your fake internet point.
Rheios
Hey. Hey. Olive Garden is pretty damn fancy.
marylanddd
lol still cruisin tho
ouroboro
HEY IT'S ME that guy who moved to a new city and has a large sense of self-importance. Anyway here's a New York Times article I skimmed.
PenguinSlide
Holy crap Mike Leffingwell was my Improv teacher!
2460Wonderful
At least you know it's a color printer...
OverRedundant
#6 as someone who made a conscious decision to live in my home town, and enjoys Olive Garden... you're mean.
TruestRepairman
George Wallace is an unfortunate name for a black man
arghnard
A wild George Wallace appeared! Famous comedian btw.
SteffersAzali
His tweets are pretty funny
MrWigglemunch
Did anyone else imagined the he-man one in robot chicken style?
Pencillin
well I am now...
ToyaNgov18
Nice try Skeletor, you fuck
ifinallyfeelathome
Why is that first girl picking her nose?! That's my question.
bakezzz
why isnt this top comment?
defaultentry
Alright. You get an upvote for that last one.
hurricanehollyismystrippername
WRONG WEBMD ! IT WAS MOMS SPAGHETTI
Harmonex
@MyPalmsSpaghettiKneesWeakArmsSpaghettiTheresVomitOnMySpaghetti
MyPalmsSpaghettiKneesWeakArmsSpaghettiTheresVomitOnMySpaghetti
Youuu
mordrul
#5 Well, at least they're only using up the black ink cartridge (yes, I'm going to Hell for that one).
thethr
How would that comment send you to hell?
mordrul
Kinda racist, but said in a kind way. I was just acknowledging that fact.
thethr
But seriously. How was that in anyway racist I don't understand.
Harmonex
I have the weirdest toner right now.
theusersub
you my friend, are going places!
AvadaKeDamnBrah
Shit the pizza one is so relatable and I love it.
iwanttobealurkerbutcant
Forwards email from personal account from phone to work email. 20 seconds later "hey, who the fuck is emailing me and what do they want?".
ItsMorphinTimeIdiot
I think it'll make my lonely pizza nights better. Still crushing
mycrazylife5891
Made me laugh because it happened to me last night. ._.
HandsomeSwede
I live in a town that doesn't have any kind of food delivery. I'll just have to live vicariously through you.
ImgurFairy
That is so sad. If I lived near you and could drive I'd deliver food to you.
HandsomeSwede
You truly are the ImgurFairy!
YesItIsMe
That is one of the most accurate titles I've seen
[deleted]
[deleted]
YesItIsMe
Boy/Girl, are you a UPS driver, cos baby you just delivered
sloganhero
I can confirm, these are in fact ten tweets.
MemeAccountant
+1 for having to scroll all the way up, having not read the title.
naimaisnice
Michael always says "K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid."
DenahomChikn
Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.
Zhouse301
Literal title is literal
SteffersAzali
I'll make another one and call it 10 more tweets
Doodle210
No, make it 11 tweets, continue until you get to 9000, then when people are expecting you to go over, you disappear from the internet.
SpanishInquisitionIsExpected
you do that
trossachs
If you don't think #9 is the funniest shit.. My god, best tweet evaaaaaaaa *hits blunt*
SamTheBook
That was crazy. And no, I'm not high.
AmberLou
I didn't get that one :(
SamTheBook
Imagine a showdown - the everyman hero with his briefcase of important documents, the villain walking in with snakes hissing on his arms.
SamTheBook
Only in this case, they accidentally swapped briefcases.
Bob423
He took snakes to court and tried to kill his nemesis with documents.
mattvam
I'm not high and I didn't get it either...I think that was the problem
imherefortheveggiecomics
genuine laugh (silent one though since i'm at work) for #5
dingafoddweebicus
I just set up my new wireless printer yesterday. Now I'm worried.
DrKriegersClone
Who doesn't figure out to password their network, though?
Chellecution
My husband is demanding to know what's so funny after my loud blasting laugh from number 5.
WhereLBJsNutsHang
I laughed by myself, sitting in the tub. Scared a cat who was waiting for me to drown. I have access to one next door at work.
kindofnotright
#1 for the win!
CTwomb
I cringed thinking about how much colour ink was used.
Bru9
You're not allowed to laugh at work?
JPRiddles
*not allowed to imgur at work
Bru9
ALT+Tab that shit!!
PommedeTerreur
Replace your black ink cartridge?
geiokami
I'd do that too but slowly use black guys with lighter skin tones...
IDanceNakedInFrontOfMyPets
I read the parentheses in a whisper in my head.
GreaterDog
Best way to use up ink
iwishiwasOP
Can someone link the chicken picture? Please?
ashipthatshipsshippingships
MFW the pictures of black guys use more ink.
myjimmiesarerustled
You know MFW means My Face When and you need to include a picture of your/a face right?
ashipthatshipsshippingships
:/ <-- how about now?
ReallyBigRocks
MFW I have no face
TimTim353
It's a colored printer.
WhereLBJsNutsHang
Hey its Barb from my small home town! Anyeay, here's a racist comment!
lundefugl
#7 got me good
TheRuxinLooksLikeAMiddleAgedLesbians
You are both assholes and I refuse to scroll up and count. THAT'LL SHOW YOU!!!!!
IChangedMyNameSoICanPostWithoutAnyoneFindingOutWhoIAm
I hate that these are never numbered and I have to scroll up then count. It's 2015 I shouldn't have to make that kind of commitment.
Mistruths
You could just hover, you know.
specificstatistics
Like a woman in a public restroom
WhereLBJsNutsHang
WOMEN EVERYWHERE: STOP. FUCKING. DOING. THIS.
delaneige
THIS IS WHY THERE WAS PEE ON THE SEAT IN THE FIRST PLACE. PUT DOWN SOME FUCKING TOILET PAPER AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN.
ashipthatshipsshippingships
You're almost as funny as #11.
ReallyBigRocks
To the printer guy. SECURE YOUR FUCKING WIRELESS NETWORK YOU FUCKING SHIT
nylok
This guy. He's very passionate about network security.
calyxium
Or make a collage.
MundaneFacts
I'm not sure that post-secondary education is the best answer to this situation.
MisterGod
It would be kind of nice getting pictures of black men
Harmonex
My neighbor secured his but it didn't stop me.
Shaykh
But what if that guy is the hacker known as 4chan.
Rapiecage
Or unplug it when not using it. That'll be fine unless the guy is stalking you.
SodaKopp
Or take out the paper
ReallyBigRocks
Yeah but that'd be more of a pain in the ass then setting up a damn wi-fi password, like why the fuck would you not have a wi-fi password
Rapiecage
Maybe he lives with someone who doesn't understand wifi passwords? >.>
ReallyBigRocks
Then he lives with a moron
pyrobob4
If you don't think Olive Garden is fancy, I don't want to be friends with you anyway.
SaintMaceToTheFace
See for most of us, it's as fancy as we need it to be.
iwanttobealurkerbutcant
They do make a mean Italian margarita....the most made up fabulous drink ever.
pyrobob4
Their napkins are fucking fabric. Like, what am I supposed to do with this? I was taught not to wipe my hands on my clothes.
GothmogLordofBalrogs
Didn't this get commented on last time?
wizardboy24
I go to an Indian restaurant and they have white cloth napkins. I don't know how they keep them so nice and white after all the currys.
WhimsicalCalamari
olive garden is about as fancy as panera
MundaneFacts
are you talking about st. louis bread co.?
WhimsicalCalamari
yeah, but imgur isn't just st louisans, so not everyone would recognize "bread co"
illegalacorn
panera is fancy as far as cafes go
Myfirstnamewaschosen
I'M SO FANCY, YOU ALREADY KNOW
pachipachinko
That one about the high school friend, Olive Garden, and racist articles is so true. : I
SaintMaceToTheFace
Olive Garden is as fancy as a generally need.
Tuwonwon
www.theonion.com/articles/unambitious-loser-with-happy-fulfilling-life-still,33233/
SheLookedLevel18
I just know it's stolen from some show I watched - but can't remember which. Either SNL, AmericanFamilyGuyDad, or ??? ffs
penguins4peace
I actually like olive garden
MundaneFacts
if you find a fancier restaurant within a 30 mile radius of my home, props to you.
IAmHarrisonFord
I feel bad for still going to college and living at home, im 22
WalterWhiteWalker
Soo true. Grew up in rural central Illinois. Now live in Chicago. So many of my high school friends are exactly like this.
pachipachinko
IS IT AN ILLINOIS THING? I was thinking of people I met in Illinois!
NSAOverlord
so what happens if i went ahead and laminated my social security card?
iwanttobealurkerbutcant
No $$$$ before you die. They check that shit.
NSAOverlord
no money before I die?
BorderlineBoozehound
Nothing. Mine is laminated and has been for over 20 years.
dinomoneysignaur
I don't know, but you're allowed like 6 or 7 in your lifetime. Trust me, my parents lost my first one.
thedarkcanuck
Canadian here, my SIN card is plastic, and snuggles up nicely next to my health card. Wait, do you know what a health card is?
NSAOverlord
also, where's my apology?
thedarkcanuck
I lost it in the snow. Sorry.
NSAOverlord
can't be Canadian - too snarky
shanshanbamalam
Yeah but we can't laminate our birth certificates, so we know the struggle. And it's so much harder to replace.
TheBosse
Commonwealth citizens unite in our love of free healthcare and generally high living standards!
thedarkcanuck
Commonwealth!
LumpPump
http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/1722720
PaulCooney
Thanks mate.
Imthedroidyouwerelookingfor
Upvoter2000x
Mine is laminated. Long ago, the "do not laminate" was not printed on the cards. It was a magical time.
bingotown
Wow, you must be old. I'm 43 and mine says not to laminate it. I think I didn't get it until I was a teenager though and needed it for work.
tuxedos
You don't get them when you're born? I always assumed that was the case
bingotown
You do now. You didn't in 1971 unless you requested it.
NSAOverlord
you lucky bastard
pyrobob4
The same thing that happens if you remove the tags from mattresses.
SlowboatToShortbus
Didn't you see Pee-Wee's Big Adventure? You do some serious time for that shit..
BirdAndBearAndHareAndFish
It says "Not to be removed except by CONSUMER." Once you buy it, you are the consumer. Why don't people get that?
Ladywithabookproblem
Reading is hard?
kkus
"number holders are advised to keep their cards in a safe place rather than carry them in their purses or wallets"
tossingEwoksIntoLakesOfMethane
bc it's not funny that way
TheFirehawk
I assume it becomes void, then you have to deal with assholes who work for the government...
SaintMaceToTheFace
As one of those assholes who work for the government...... Abandon all hope
NSAOverlord
oh god
tangybreath
But I'm sure being an NSA overlord has some perks. It will probably be relatively easy to black-mail the right people.
TheFirehawk
Yep I had to deal with the SSA a few years back and hot damn they were cruel.
samsonguy920
[deleted]
[deleted]
samsonguy920
Well, that works for you, because who wants to claim to be a Dane?
WhoisOnlar
Hid mine so securEly no one knows where it is. Not even me.
chinobino
Social security card? I thought it was a personal business card.... I've been copying then and handing them out to everyone
mrsmusica
I mean, I memorized my number when I started applying for jobs and I'm HORRIBLE at remembering numbers.
eroso
ah, these 3rd world problems suck
instantbeetle
I keep forgetting to take it out. Never lost a wallet though.
BobLeeSw4ger
You sir just made me take my ss card out of my wallet.
Hellboundclown
Wait.. we aren't allowed to laminate social security cards?
mmsahler
Wait you're not supposed to laminate the SS card? So...what do now?
UpvotesForCalicos
Just say "oh well" and hope it doesn't bite you in the ass someday.
emirh12
safety deposit box
Wadup
please explain for a nonmerican
Kaanfight
I once found a guy's wallet that had his birth certificate, social security card, and his driver's licence.
samsonguy920
Trip to Vegas, baby!
SomebodyCallKennyLoggins
So what's your new identity?
Kaanfight
I don't know who he is, some nobody named bill gates.
TheSara
I work at a bank and one of the easiest ways to find someone is by looking up their SSN#. You'd be surprised how many people keep it on (1)
TheSara
their person. Like, how fucking hard is it to memorize 9 numbers? (2/2)
mostokaymedic
Old advice from my dad memorize your SSN and DL numbers. Never know when you might need em.
illegalacorn
I've memorized my SSN before I ever saw my card. Still carry it in my wallet because I've had to use it three times in as many years.
WasThatAFartOrAShart
I don't want to drag out the fire safe, so I memorized out of laziness. +1 for working in a bank. My wife does as well. The shit she sees...
TheSara
Oh my god do I have some stories..
OneAndOnly2G
SUBMIT THINE STORIES FOR MINE ENTERTAINMENT!!!
iLynux
I have mine memorized and I still keep it in my wallet. My wallet is the safest place for it, actually.
WasThatAFartOrAShart
I had mine memorized by the time I needed to use it for jobs, and have my wife's memorized, just in case I need it. Really, it's because(1/2
BlessYourBeautifulHide
I memorized mine when I was getting my driver's permit, when I was 15.
marquisdechocula
when I dress up as her I like to have a legit SSN to complete the illusion (2/2)
WasThatAFartOrAShart
Not gonna lie, I laughed pretty hard at this. I would have put a (2/2), or even a 2 on the other, but even after some condensing I was at 0
blewinfromstupidtown
Wait, why can't you laminate it?
RayJames
Ive made a big mistake.
tbirdistheword
Because our government is retarded.
Dreissen
Because the back of the card literally states that it becomes invalid if it's laminated.
OfAllTheGinJointsInAllTheWorld
Got married 2 years ago. New card with new name does not state you can't laminate it.
ToastedAlmond
Mine says I must return it if they ask. WTF?
ImJustHereSoIDontGetFined
Yes but WHY?
SwordSaint892
We're in the business of making rules here, not the business of making sense.
CPatricoo
Who in the glorious fuck carries that around with you. If that shit is in your wallet go put it in a lock box tomorrow.
Hellboundclown
..FUCK
CPatricoo
xBurrito
Actually lots of people do. Recently heard someone had both his ssc and birth cirtificate on him U.U also lost his wallet....
kulahan
Mine's been in there for 15 years. You use your SSN as a form of identification in all kinds of companies where anyone can work. No better.
CPatricoo
Your passport is better. It counts for two IDs on your I9. Is cancelable, replaceable and internationally recognized.
SecretCupCakeTime
Just had an interview and the boss guy asks me why I don't have it on me to make a copy. I just tilted my head and squinted
ManlyGirlscout
But not today cause I've got a wallet to steal
CPatricoo
localvagrant
I'll never understand those who carry it with them...exactly how many times a day to you use your Social Security card?
UpvotesForCalicos
So many of my customers. I have to ask for their ID & I see their SS card & every time I'm like "TAKE THAT OUT OF YOUR WALLET WHEN YOU GET-
UpvotesForCalicos
-HOME!! THAT'S HOW IDENTITIES GET STOLEN! Have a good time, thanks for coming."
kulahan
Good thing your SSN is your ID# at lots of companies, where any identity thief could easily work if they wanted to.
UpvotesForCalicos
Right?
CPatricoo
A
Ienjoyupvoting
Homeless people. I used to volunteer at an emergency homeless shelter. It was kind of sad.
Arceus
At my college, found a wallet in the dirt around 9pm. Found credit cards, debit, social, bank, etc. Found a Gamestop receipt, used that to
Arceus
call him up, waited at the college for an extra 30 minutes for him to pick it up. He apparently was freaking out about it and was halfway
Arceus
home when I called.
ShepherdtheSpook
If your signing up with the military you might during the meps processing
manhawk
I have mine in my wallet.....Please don't steal it from me.
CPatricoo
boregano
Erm, me too. But just cause I had to bring it to the mortgage guy.
gooseduckbutt
Dear god why do you carry that around with you?
manhawk
Because when my father handed it to me, he said "don't lose it" and so now I know where it is always. Also maybe I trust people too much...
PhantomK88
Exact same deal with me... :[ uh oh
Zechie
Hi guys I'm manhawk
manhawk
Noooooooooooooooo! I'm the real one. Shoot him, not me!
[deleted]
[deleted]
stopdropandrollout
Can't tell the difference, just going to have to shoot both.
MyHorseAteMyPaycheck
...I've been carrying mine in my wallet since I was like, 12 (I'm 29). I don't know what else to do with it. :/
localvagrant
how about, for starters, not keeping it in your frigging wallet?
Katalliaan
Keep it somewhere safe at home. Fire safe, filing cabinet, anywhere but your wallet.
kulahan
Ignore these people. With your SSN, identity thieves can't do much. That's why it's your ID# at a lot of companies (like banks).
UpvotesForCalicos
I have my birth certificate, social security card, car title, & passport all in one file in a small lock box. They're not too expensive.
Groznek
Memorize the number and put it somewhere where only you will find it.
CPatricoo
bwk2421
Get a small fire proof safe. I keep all important docs in a folder in the safe so I can grab quickly if needed.
altrocks
Grab the small safe when robbing houses, check.
bwk2421
It's not meant for theft prevention as much as it is for protection from the elements. I still have flood lights and lock doors and windows.
MyHorseAteMyPaycheck
I've been meaning to do that. But I keep spending my safe money on hookers and blow. :/
hymer
As a swede can someone please explain this to me?
smokeydops
Social Security Card has the bearers' social security number; the person's fiscal/state identity. Someone else with it can steal your life.
BroboxylicAcid
It's a small piece of paper they give you at birth that enables you to receive social security when you're 70.
manhawk
Hah, you think you'll be able to collect social security. Look at this optimist, or really old dude, what do I know.
hymer
doesn't the state keep that record by them self? that's what we do :)
PyramidHeadLordOfSilentHill
How dare you question the flimsiness of our government and our governmentally issued master identification cards.
COLONELSARGE
They do. But it's more to prove your identity than anything else.
FlatPlutoSociety
In the US, your Social Security Number is your de facto national ID number. It's printed on flimsy paper, and it's hard to have it replaced.
ZacMuerte
and the number itself is in ink that gets wiped off SUPER easily. mine has been in a lockbox except for twice, and it's almost illegible.
OMGiCantEven
I think that means it's fake and your "parents" probably kidnapped you as a child.
IamMelonLordeYaYaYa
It's actually incredibly easy to replace, it's just slightly damaging to have lost in the first place.
FlatPlutoSociety
Yeah, I should've said "inconvenient" rather than "hard."
krauraurgg
Can't you just memorize the number? And just go to town hall and have them print a new paper if necessary?
TheGayPenguin
I didn't need mine for years, lost it, and then I had to get it replaced when started my military enlistment process.
illegalacorn
it's a form of ID and to get a passport or vote or to get specific jobs or etc. you need 2-3 forms of ID.
PhantomK88
I have mine memorized, but you still physically need it sometimes (applying for jobs, proof of ID needs photocopied)
UpvotesForCalicos
Most of us memorize the number, but no you can't just go get a new one at the courthouse. We're talking official forms have to be filed &-
UpvotesForCalicos
-a several months wait, all done by paper & snail-mail. It's easier to get a passport or a gun license.
NotSoSmartAlek
But when applying for jobs, they want to make a copy of SS and ID. So you gotta bring it.
samsonguy920
Only after hiring. If they ask for it before then and don't have a reason that doesn't raise the hairs on your neck, leave.
NotSoSmartAlek
Temp offices want it before, then they'll call if they find you a gig. It seems to be legal. -_-
mungothemenacing
Right, but then put it away when you're done. It's a really bad idea to have it on you all the time. Memorize the number and store the card.
TetraNordeh
They usually only want the copies after they've decided to hire you, though. Never had them ask for it before that.
samsonguy920
They actually shouldn't. You can put in On Hire in the SSN spot of an application if it is there.
NotSoSmartAlek
Temp offices want it before, then they'll call you IF they find you a gig. Seems to be legal. -_-
corig123
I think I've only ever brought just a passport
fluger
I work in HR. To fill out the I9 form which establishes your legal right to work in the US, you need to prove identity and right to work1/2
fluger
passport does both as it shows citizenship and identification. Most people use state IDs like drivers license and then SS Card or birth cert
corig123
It occurs to me I've always used my passport cuz my parents lost my SS card when I was a kid.
NotSoSmartAlek
lucky you, having a passport, and traveling.
corig123
Where you now need it for even Canada, and they're good 10 years, it's not exactly a foolproof indication of a mega posh life =/
NotSoSmartAlek
I can't afford one, and I can't get one because I lost my citizenship cert. which I can't afford to replace either.
NotSoSmartAlek
can't afford to travel either.