50 things I've said to my middle school classes this year.

You know what the best part of my job is? The kids, man. The kids.

Rather than going on a rant about all the drama, politics, crazy parents, and whatnot that goes on in public schools these days, here's just a list of stuff I've had to say to my kids during class this year. I teach English to 13/14 year old tweens, and let me tell you, I haven't been bored one single day this year! Hands down the best job ever, but I'm biased.

Really Looks Good

1. Please refrain from licking the window. I don't care how much jello is on it.

2. If you're so mad about me finding you on your phone, maybe you should get better at being sneaky.

3. Stop molesting my Shakespeare figurine.

4. I know the rules say that food and drink is allowed, but don't you think 10 juice boxes is a little much?

5. Having ADHD is not an excuse to hump the desk.

6. Oh, you'll call your mom and tell on me? Ha! Your mom loves me. I'll text her and tell on YOU.

7. I'm bringing a snack for our movie on Friday. What allergies do we all have? Nuts, shellfish, artificial colors, bananas, coconut, gluten-what? No. I'm not buying KFC for 164 teenagers.

8. No, we cannot walk to the coffee shop. Your teachers next period will have to scrape you off the ceiling.

9. Conjunction junction, what's your FUNNNCTIONNN? Hookin' up words and phrases and clauses...

10. If you must tap your pencils, at least make a sick beat with them.

11. Did you just touch her eye?! Ew, no! Germs!

12. You are not a seahorse. Get off the floor.

13. Why did you just scribble that out? You're using a PENCIL. It has an ERASER. ERASE!!!

14. No, we can't "just do nothing". Because bell-to-bell instruction, that's why.

15. Please call me "Miss B", not "B-SwizzlefoShizzle". Let's keep it professional.

16. Yes, I am nicer after I had coffee. Most adults are.

17. If you can put "by zombies" after the verb and it makes sense, you're using passive voice. (**NOT my trick, I picked that up off a grammar website.**)

18. Quit back-handing each other with lotion.

19. Yes, the principal does like his job. Probably.

20. Your team name cannot be the Kool Kids Klub. I see what you're up to.

21. If you explosively fart in front of the superintendent again, you and I are going to have words.

22. I do love your project, very creative... but did it have to be made of matches? Let's keep a water bottle next to it, just in case...

23. FLIP THAT BOTTLE ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD.

24. I'm pretty sure they don't make Swastika fidget spinners. Yes, I'll confiscate it if you bring it.

25. Please don't use my wooden B passes as a set of "brass knuckles".

26. I don't need any kids. I already have kids. I have 164 of you.

27. What on earth keeps moving in your pock-IS THAT A BABY BUNNY?!?! (It was.)

28. I torture you because I want you to be happy and successful. In the future, I mean.

29. Why is there glitter in the lizard tank? He doesn't eat glitter. It won't make him crap sparkles.

30. English is hard because it's a mix of like, a billion languages and we make a bunch of rules and break them. No, that doesn't mean all rules are made to be broken. Just in writing.

31. You can't do your book project on "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" even if it speaks to you on a spiritual level.

32. You just ate lunch. GET YOUR LITTLE GREMLIN HANDS OFF MY FOOD.

33. Get your toes behind that door frame or so help you I'll chop them off and put them in a soup.

34. I know half of you don't give a flying fart about conjunctive adverbs; however, they are vital to your education. And I just used one. You're welcome for the example.

35. Be nice to my markers. They're nice to you.

36. Yes, I'm thrilled you loved the poem, but we are not running through the halls screaming "The red coats are coming!"

37. Sharpies are not tattoo pens.

38. You are not allowed to play with my puzzle if you're going to be lewd.

39. Why did you come back from your locker with cake?

40. Yes, technically a demigod who farts really hard to create the wind counts as a myth. Just...don't illustrate it.

41. You all are my sheep and I am your shepard ... and YOU are my least favorite sheep. I'm KIDDING! I'm kidding.

42. Ugh, fine, but I never saw that.

43. Any snacks that are brought to class will be taxed... that'll be 2 Cadbury Mini Eggs, thank you.

44. You know the phone rules. Not only will I take it, but I will dance to your ringtone. You've been warned.

45. Chop chop, flip flop. Let's go, buffalo! I won't stop til you get moving.

46. Stop running. It is not in my job description to wipe up brain matter from the stairwell if you trip.

47. That's a thesaurus. Definitions are in the dictionary- the paper Google book.

48. Derivatives, derivatives... think of them like the Transformers but with no Bumblebee.

49. Of course it's hard. If it was easy, there'd be no point in doing it. Struggle like a little wormie on a little hook.

50. Be good!

I think the better list is probably what THEY have said to ME this year, but I'm too tired to type it up tonight. Hey, that's alliteration!

**FRONT Page Edit: Thank you to all who caught my "shephard/shepherd" error. +1 Extra credit point to all of you.
Bunny story incoming!
And a list of things they have said to ME...