Smallfuzzycreaturefromalphacentauri
82724
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#suicide
This morning I woke up you a message from a mutual friend, he told me that my friend, N, had killed himself a few days ago and that the police were trying to find his oldest daughter. Background: N was my best friend from grade 4 till we were in our twenties, as kids we did everything together, adventures in the forests around our homes (we grew up in western Canada), first time I got drunk was at his 12th birthday party (he stole his mum’s rum, gave me wayyyy too much, can’t drink rum to this day), his dad bought a model A hot rod and he convinced me to drive it with him, said I should drive as I was older (I was 12, he was 11).
As we went into our middle teen years his parents had a nasty divorce and he went to live with his mum and sister in the next town. He was messed up, constantly in trouble with the law, his parents etc. Was In a fight and almost killed some guy, went to jail on weekends as a court ordered punishment, left school by grade 10 or so.
All this time I tried to keep him on the straight and narrow, my parents let him live with us when his mum kicked him out and his dad would not let him stay with him. Did a post high school road trip to Alberta to look for a job and stayed at high very sweet grandmothers place in the Kootneys.
I went to university, he got a factory job, we lost touch. I could no longer deal with his raging alcoholic fits. After a while we reconnected, he had a sweet girlfriend and he seemed to be doing well. I was living with my then gf in Vancouver, and one day he called me,said he had had a fight with his gf and wanted to hang out in the city. Sure thing! Picked him up, he met my gf and friends and we went clubbing… he ended up hooking up with a guy, this surprised me, but whatever.
After that he refused to speak with me, blamed me for the hook up, confessed all to his gf (she told me that years later).
Since then, may have spoken one sentence to him in 30 years (yeah, I’m old), found out he had some little girls and still could not handle his rage. He beat his wife, hope he did not beat the girls, took off to Alberta, got into some drug induced situation with the RCMP in Red Deer, prison time and then a few weeks ago he pops up on FB, homeless in the town we grew up in. Contacted him, but he never replied, as usual.
Maybe he just has been dead to me for years, that cool kid I knew is long gone. I miss that version of him.
This will prob just die in user sub, but had to get it off my chest
KittyLeader
@OP he wasn't the kid you knew and grew up with anymore, you realised that and accepted it... That's why it doesn't hurt.
OldenCallField
There are many stages of mourning, and only some of them are about grieving. Be patient with yourself.
azarza
my condolences
6pace
feel when and how you want to feel. honesty is better than guilt and presumption.
catincup
You tried, but some demons just can’t be outrun. Hopefully he is at peace now, it’s the best any of us can really hope for
smellsmiketeenspirit
Do you want some feedback or another drink ? It's also okay if we just hang a bit.
FrankPembleton
sounds like alberta personified
Muttons1337
You CAN feel something. You don't HAVE to feel anything. Sometimes you don't feel something until much, much later. Everybody is unique.
VirtualHugger
devonmiller1238888
I lost my bestie July 19. I am so so sorry. The hurt is too much and I would not wish this on anyone. My prayers and light for you, friend ?
Grimmy32
With such a time distance between seeing them properly, it's not unusual to feel nothing. They've been out of your life for so long.
IsendDickPicsIfYouAskNicely
Apathy is Inevitable with the way things are going... I have trouble feeling much of anything
V1K1NGFVNERAL
You were a good thing in someone else's tough life. Sometimes that's all we can do.
OtherErinFromTheOffice
I mean it sounds like they weren't really your friend anymore
lightfoot2
Remember the good bits about him and throw the bad bits in the ground after him.
Bystandr
^This
Aurasyr
I'm from the same area and have an old friend who's older sister did kind of the same shit. If the same happened, I'm sure I'd feel the same
coreyrae
I had something similar. My best friend died a couple years ago but I didn't feel much because I already mourned the loss of my friend.
MagmaCarta
janerowdy
My one time best friend killed himself. Our story was similar, but shorter. He was 28. Would be 36 now.
janerowdy
I felt nothing at first. That came slowly. I blame myself. I know I shouldn't. I think about him a lot. I don't have any words of wisdom.
TeaOverdose
i think you already grieved the friend you had.
Cthulhukitten
Yes and no, I feel personally
LookingLikeASnack
Sounds like he was a stranger to you by the time he passed away. Remember him fondly as he was, but don't feel guilt for a lack of grief.
bottledham
Sounds like he may have suffered abuse in childhood and resulting PTSD.
gutia24610
Sounds like he had some hidden childhood trauma. Poor guy :( sounds familiar.You're ok, it's ok. Dont judge your feelings or lack
imsam77
30 year later...thats like a lifetime.
StupidSexyCentaur
1/3rd of one.
zeropercentperfection
You were a good friend to him.
Smallfuzzycreaturefromalphacentauri
thanks, i tried to be
Talktomeplease
You still feel. Give it time.
Mrpipboy3000
Who we are as people change over the years. The person you were friends with has been gone a long, long time.
NeelboBaggins
This is a sad truth.
YourSelfMan
The system is hard to live with.
Freeasabird2015
Agreed, this person hasn't been your friend for a long time. Live your best life with no guilt about this.
JLB36602
When I was younger and learned of the ancient Greek "Ship of Theseus" problem, I wondered why it was such a big deal - I mean, it's just a
JLB36602
boat, why not philosophize about actual human conditions? But now I understand what they were getting at.
nclu
That cool 11yo sounds pretty sketch.
youcancallmesusanifitmakesyouhappy
Word. I miss my brother, he died over a decade ago and it’s a whole different person i wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole living in his skin
chefthad922
But, how are you?
Smallfuzzycreaturefromalphacentauri
processing it still
HillOfBeans
Grief may come, and may not. Time will tell. I am sorry for your loss. I too am old and starting to lose lots of people to age and disease.
mooncactus
I’m sorry op. I had a close friend from college I used to hang out and have fun with, could talk to about pretty much anything and (1)
mooncactus
Liked being there for them if they needed me (they were having a rough time). I moved away for a bit then came back for a few months, (2)
mooncactus
Tried reaching out twice to ask if they wanted to hang out before I had to head back. No response. I figured they just needed space so I (3)
mooncactus
Didn’t reach out again. Haven’t heard from them since and recently discovered they unfriended me on Facebook. For whatever reason, (4)
mooncactus
People change. Even though your friend took a turn for the worse, at least you have fond memories of who he used to be. (5)