I'd like to get off the bus now, thanks.

[THIRD EDIT: Not that it matters, but I'm a lady. I like being called dude, though, so we're good.]

I'm 45 going on 105 because of a rare neurological disorder called Multiple System Atrophy.

My first big symptoms showed up two years ago. I started overheating easily and fainting. Then, I developed intense GI symptoms. When I stand up, my blood pressure drops drastically and I either faint or get lightheaded and fuzzy (this is called orthostatic hypotension). I have neuropathy in my fingers and toes, so sometimes they feel like they're on fire and sometimes it feels like they're being stabbed. Small fiber neuropathy in my face makes my nose, cheeks, and chin itch uncontrollably. Scratching makes it worse.

Six months ago, things really picked up. I developed a swallowing disorder, so I can't eat small things like rice and seeds. I get dehydrated easily and have to get IV fluids frequently. I have exercise intolerance - not only can I not go to the gym, but I can't walk more than a block without sweating profusely and almost fainting. I get brain fog, which makes me sound like a total idiot. Sometimes, my body does something other than what I'm trying to do (I've tried to roll down the car window and ended up opening the door instead, while the car is moving).

In the past month, my knees and elbows have been really painful. My hands, too - the knuckles, the palm, and the back. I can't make a loose fist without causing excruciating pain. That makes work difficult.

Despite my generally positive attitude and good sense of humor, all of the pain and stress has put a real dent in my dating life. Shocking, right? Who wants to date someone who's not going to be around all that long, who isn't going to be fully functional while she's around, and who might complain a bit once in a while? I can't blame anyone. So, I've withdrawn myself from the dating pool, and have been having sex with people I've met online. I may as well enjoy what I can!

I want to live independently as long as possible before moving in with a family member or going to a nursing home, so I use all kinds of bypass strategies and adaptations. I just bought an automatic jar opener and an ergonomic tool to open things like 20 oz soda bottles. I get groceries delivered so all I have to do is carry them up 1 flight of stairs and unload them. (I do that in stages so I don't trigger an episode, sometimes taking 3 or 4 days to get everything upstairs.) I take tepid showers. I drink electrolyte water all the time. My freezer is full of gel ice packs. I have a tiny fridge by my bed so I always have access to cold water, even if I can't get up. My apartment is tiny, so it's easy to get from room to room. I didn't expect this to progress so quickly or I would've moved to a place on the first floor. I order frozen meals from Daily Harvest because they're healthy, small (low appetite), and easy to heat in the microwave. It also doesn't heat up the kitchen.

The thought of family having to take care of those kinds of things for me is overwhelming. I'm incredibly independent, so that piece is hard. But mostly, it's that my brother's youngest child starts college in the fall, so he and his wife will finally have some time to themselves. My mom and her husband just retired, and I want them to enjoy that time, not take care of their adult child. The idea of being a burden absolutely terrifies me.

Most likely, my muscles will take fewer orders from my nerves, so I'll start breathing more shallowly. This will lead to pneumonia, and that's probably how I'll die, on a respirator. I'll be honest, it doesn't sound awesome. But I would do it in an instant to save all of us the trouble and the pain.

It's not fair. I'm not supposed to have to think about this stuff for another 30 years. At least I don't have to worry about retirement savings?

I've only told a few people because there's nothing they can do about it anyways, so I thought I'd share it here, by bear.

EDIT: Holy cow! I didn't expect this to go viral, I just wanted to get something off my chest. I'm grateful for all the views and upvotes, but I'm especially in awe of all of the kind and thoughtful comments! Dang, imgur. Y'all really touched my heart. Thank you! ❤️

SECOND EDIT: I think I'm supposed to ask for nudes. But, I'd like a sexy man servant instead, if I may...