Muslim Confession

Aug 7, 2016 4:06 PM

TheNortherner

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8925

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Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Jews or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Christian friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Christians and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.

This is fucking gold.

9 years ago | Likes 17 Dislikes 3

You played me like a damn fiddle and I'm not even mad. Well done @OP

9 years ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

As a Muslim i was sweating bullets while reading this, thank god for harambe lol

9 years ago | Likes 28 Dislikes 2

Hints: Haram is an Arabic term meaning "forbidden". Bae = babe. Haram bae = Harambe. "Dicks out for Harambe". Solid post @OP! +1

9 years ago | Likes 6 Dislikes 0

My god.

9 years ago | Likes 15 Dislikes 2

9 years ago | Likes 50 Dislikes 0

FUCK OFF I SCROLLED TO THE END LOOKING FOR TREE FIDDY AND THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE. +1

9 years ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

I hope his gorilla ghost haunts the fuck out of you OP

9 years ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

When he started saying his dad was cool with the bacon and christians i knew this roller coaster ride was peaking over the top

9 years ago | Likes 6 Dislikes 0

Way to M. Knight Shyamalan that shit. #dicksout

9 years ago | Likes 19 Dislikes 3

I'm an exmuslim I was reading it like "damn I was in a similar situation." But I legit laughed at the end. +1 OP.

9 years ago | Likes 9 Dislikes 2

...go on....

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 1

9 years ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

This.. Was very well done. I even checked the end for tree fiddy and Cena. Bravo.

9 years ago | Likes 67 Dislikes 6

9 years ago | Likes 7 Dislikes 0

This post is

9 years ago | Likes 31 Dislikes 0

click show bad comments to see the people with slow reflexes

9 years ago | Likes 15 Dislikes 1

Fuck you +1

9 years ago | Likes 9 Dislikes 0

v

7 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

Halal on the streets Haram in the sheets

9 years ago | Likes 11 Dislikes 0

Hahahaha. Gold

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

Haram bae in the sheets*

9 years ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

Expected tree fiddy. Got the fucking Gorilla.

9 years ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

So did I....

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

It's a dicks out for harambe post

9 years ago | Likes 54 Dislikes 8

I missed the part where that was a thing

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 1

Turns out, it's a thing.

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

I skipped to the last sentence expecting tree fiddy. Was not disappointed.

9 years ago | Likes 33 Dislikes 3

Same.

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

9 years ago | Likes 115 Dislikes 2

If you're gonna start a story with "since I was a young boy" I'm just gonna assume you're an avid pinball player who's deaf dumb and blind.

9 years ago | Likes 86 Dislikes 1

Tommy, right?

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

I ain't seen nothing like him, in any amusement hall

9 years ago | Likes 9 Dislikes 0

First of all I get the joke, I do. But I still am curious, how could you just look at a dick and tell if it was involved in sex recently?

9 years ago | Likes 38 Dislikes 7

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

Well, if you have blue balls...

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 1

if you have blue balls you were doing the sex thing wrong

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

Exactly why the dad wants to know! He wants to make sure he's not doing it wrong.

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

There are some really, really, REALLY weird people out there that think you can tell jack and shit like this from such. sauce; crazy aunt.

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

You can't, it just adds to the joke.

9 years ago | Likes 13 Dislikes 1

Yeah I guess, for me it was an early warning that it was indeed just a joke. One of those things that just doesn't add up.

9 years ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

That's my jam, I love that song. But she's smelling the dick, not just looking at it.

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

Haram bae = harambe

9 years ago | Likes 96 Dislikes 10

see, I'm picking that up, but not why it's funny.

9 years ago | Likes 32 Dislikes 9

it's super lame. That's why it's funny

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 3

Dicks out for Harambe is a social movement looking to organize and communicate how much we all miss Harambe. @OP is insulting his memory.

9 years ago | Likes 6 Dislikes 2

Haram is "bad for your soul" for muslim folks, roughly translated. Thus haram Bae, his gf. It's a pretty advanced joke

9 years ago | Likes 13 Dislikes 5

I get it. It's just not funny.

9 years ago | Likes 7 Dislikes 22

It's a meme you dip

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

What is Harambe?

9 years ago | Likes 14 Dislikes 8

Our lord and savior

9 years ago | Likes 10 Dislikes 0

Do you live under a rock?

9 years ago | Likes 6 Dislikes 2

Understanding all the childish references on this site is nothing to be proud of.

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

Lmao, complaining about being childish on Imgur. Funny.

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

You're right, Harambe is a reference exclusive to an image-sharing platform for Reddit.

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

The dead gorilla

9 years ago | Likes 24 Dislikes 0

very dead

9 years ago | Likes 11 Dislikes 1

Like, so dead

9 years ago | Likes 8 Dislikes 1

like, so so very dead

9 years ago | Likes 7 Dislikes 1

Ok thanks. I remember the gorilla. But what's the "dicks out" part about?

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

In remembrance.

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

DICKS OUT FOR HARAMBE! We remember you our monkey lord!

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

Riiight. I knew I shouldn't have asked.

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

9 years ago | Likes 684 Dislikes 8

9 years ago | Likes 8 Dislikes 1

Schrodinger's Jimmies.

9 years ago | Likes 36 Dislikes 0

Well played @OP well played.

9 years ago | Likes 398 Dislikes 11

Sigh. I was so invested.

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

Not gonna lie. I stole it. But havent seen it on here and thought it needed to be shared with the world.

9 years ago | Likes 99 Dislikes 3

Upvotes for honesty

9 years ago | Likes 30 Dislikes 1

Indeed

9 years ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

A lot of people didn't get it.

9 years ago | Likes 980 Dislikes 15

[deleted]

[deleted]

9 years ago (deleted Aug 7, 2016 9:12 PM) | Likes 0 Dislikes 0

I went to the end to make sure it was another stupid meme story. Was not disappointed, and yet was at the same time.

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

A lot of people are lucky then

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

Life is too short to comprehend unformatted text

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

Is the story true or not? Fuck u OP.. twice

9 years ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 1

that's because everybody thought it was already dead, and then people brought it back to life

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

Never forget

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

Yeah I don't get it, is it real or is OP jerking me off

9 years ago | Likes 6 Dislikes 1

harambe joke, the gorilla

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 1

He's stroking slow and gripping firm....building you up until you explode in his mouth

9 years ago | Likes 8 Dislikes 1

green-text material right there

9 years ago | Likes 10 Dislikes 1

OP right now.

9 years ago | Likes 211 Dislikes 1

This is it. This is the moment that I am an old. I have no idea what the joke is.

9 years ago | Likes 12 Dislikes 0

So I just googled that shit and didn't realize harambe was the name of the gorilla that was shot. I thought it was slang for something lol

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

A lot of people just thought it was stupid as fuck.

9 years ago | Likes 120 Dislikes 9

Good on you for saying the unpopular. I got visited by the down vote ferries for saying as much somewhere far deeper in this shitpost.

9 years ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 1

not only that. it's REALLY STUPID AS FUCK

9 years ago | Likes 11 Dislikes 1

I didn't get it... and you're right.

9 years ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

So, meme working as intended?

9 years ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 1

explain please

9 years ago | Likes 8 Dislikes 1

#DicksOutForHarambe

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

haram bae=harambe (the gorilla that got shot in the zoo) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaTiVL9zkN4

9 years ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

Harambe the gorilla was shot and a couple months ago "justice for harambe" and "dicks out for Harambe" became memes made to mock protests (1

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

such as BLM and others about people wrongfully killed. I think, its kinda convoluted. Some use it as a racist thing to compare (2)

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

black people to gorillas, and other people just say it because they think its funny. And others say it to mock people that thought it was (3

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

wrong to kill the gorilla. (4).

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

I've learned to read the last 2 sentences of these shits, just to be safe. IT'S NOT SAFE.

9 years ago | Likes 2424 Dislikes 11

I'm sorry bro I grew up in a strict Christian home, but once I went to college he loosened up. He will chill I promise. Parents become cool

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 1

It's so much better when you just let it happen

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

Damnit

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

It had a fresh prince ring from the start but was all haram bae

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

Lets be fair though, this was clearly not safe from the start.

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

I down vote every one of these now. It's old and annoying

9 years ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 5

Who the fuck thinks this shit up?

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

Good man.

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

What did it for me was "the bacon he could overlook". That was the "sigh, this is a shitpost isn't it" moment.

9 years ago | Likes 28 Dislikes 0

I wish I could find these funny. But when 80% of these posts are just shitposts, it stops being funny after a while.

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

I read the last two lines first, I see that it is a joke, but I have no idea what it is.

9 years ago | Likes 7 Dislikes 0

The internet has started ironically mourning a gorilla that was shot a few months back, named Harambe.

9 years ago | Likes 6 Dislikes 0

Thx.

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

His dad checks his penis for sex...? Scrolls down. Yeah, shitpost

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

Missed it till i read this and checked them again...

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

Me too. Sad, but that's the world we live in.

9 years ago | Likes 6 Dislikes 0

Nah, I would take jokes like these and tree fiddy over actual sob stories any day

9 years ago | Likes 6 Dislikes 0

To be fair at least this one wasn't another tree fiddy.

9 years ago | Likes 21 Dislikes 0

I was expecting tree fiddy

9 years ago | Likes 8 Dislikes 0

I got half way through, then the use of 'tubular' rang an alarm bell

9 years ago | Likes 40 Dislikes 0

Same

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

It's like checking a username for Cera first now.

9 years ago | Likes 130 Dislikes 0

For... Only like...less than two weeks :(

9 years ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

Nah, more like checking for tree fiddy

9 years ago | Likes 34 Dislikes 3

Honestly thiught that was were the story was going.

9 years ago | Likes 9 Dislikes 0

Half of imgur commenting on this post like

9 years ago | Likes 2106 Dislikes 15

8 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

Have you guys listened to the Anna Faris podcast with Bautista? He's such a nice and hilarious dude. Can't wait for the sequel.

9 years ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 1

I missed that ep of Unqualified, I guess. Good lookin' out, random imgurian.

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

Thanks jabbed!

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

To be fair, the "dicks out of for harambe" shit is pretty retarded and most people haven't heard of it.

9 years ago | Likes 249 Dislikes 33

No need to degrade retards by comparing them to a shitty 'meme'

9 years ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 6

Yeah... I know its supposed to be a joke but I haven't got a clue what this is about.

9 years ago | Likes 44 Dislikes 2

Explain.dalek.jpgorgif

9 years ago | Likes 34 Dislikes 2

We get it you're speciesist.

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 1

Wait... there's a joke?

9 years ago | Likes 24 Dislikes 2

Is there? I thought i was a little lost but now I'm jack lost

9 years ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 2

I found out what the joke was. I guess "dicks out for harambe" is a meme in of itself.

9 years ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

I have not heard of it. Is this a joke?

9 years ago | Likes 12 Dislikes 1

"Dicks out for Harambe" is people still going on about that fucking gorilla in Cincinnati.

9 years ago | Likes 9 Dislikes 3

What?

9 years ago | Likes 8 Dislikes 0

Harambe the gorilla that got shot because a kid climbed into his cage? Yeah it's become a bit of a meme.

9 years ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0