Tales from an Aussie bartender in a country pub

Tales from an Aussie bartender in a country pub

It was around Easter time and the local races were on. We were trying to get rid of all of the old ciders out of the fridge and selling them for $4 each. This bird came in from the races, dressed in a tiny piece of cloth and said she'll flash me for a free drink. Jokingly, I said okay, thinking she wouldn't do it, but holy shit did she do it. Made my day. Honestly though, if you're going to expose yourself for a $4 drink, have a little self-respect. They were some tig old bitties.

This is karma at its finest. We were a little understaffed that day so I had to double as a waiter. This stuck up, middle aged woman with the 'ask to see the manager' haircut lost her shit because her meal took longer than 15 minutes. She didn't care that we had 2 functions on, trying to serve over 100 people with 4 people in the kitchen. She even threatened to give us a bad review on Yelp, which about 5 people in Australia use. So when she spilt her drinks all over herself, it was almost divine intervention.

A 'cement mixer' is a demonic concoction of Baileys and brown lime cordial. A shot glass is filled with each and thrown back at the same time, you then swish it around in your mouth to create the 'cement'. This happens when the cordial reacts the Baileys and curdles it, making you to chew the shot. A great shot to trick your mates with if they haven't heard of it.

Clearing the toilets at the end of a shift was when I stumbled upon the event. This was the same bird who flashed me a few weeks before and here she was, in between 2 guys. After I took a few pictures (kidding), I had to break them up. What made it worse is that one of the guys was my cousin. Made Christmas a little awkward.

By far my favourite night as a bartender. A massive group of Italians walked in (possibly Mafia) and ordered drinks off the top shelf. The total came to about $750 for about 40 shots, averaging about $18-20 per shot. One bloke handed me $1,000 in cash and told me to keep the rest. Tips are rarely ever given in Australia so this was huge. My broke ass couldn't believe that I had an extra $150 to spend on piss.

A 'redline' is half vodka, half tequila with a thin line of Tabasco sauce in the middle, hence the name. Hard to make because if you pour the Tabasco in too fast, it mixes with the vodka and ruins the shot, so you have to dribble it in on the back of a spoon. It took about 10 minutes to make 2 and when she slammed the second one, she missed her mouth and got an eye full of tequila and Tabasco sauce. She sprinted to the bathroom and I saw her come out almost 30 minutes later. Ouch.

I was watching through the window and the bouncers refused him entry. This guy couldn't wait to finish his sub before going inside, so he walked around the corner, stuffed it down his pants and was let in! I thought it was so funny so I kept it to myself. Then a few hours later, someone complained that the toilet floor was covered in water. Looks like someone didn't want to finish his meal. A bunch of us had to clean it up and I couldn't contain my laughter the entire time.

This was scary. We had a small oven in the front bar that served hotdogs once the kitchen had closed. A bucks night came through that night and they had a serious case of the munchies. The best man ordered a hotdog and trying to be funny for his mates, he put the whole thing in his mouth and started choking. Everyone thought it was part of the act until his face went purple. My boss had to leap over the bar and perform CPR. Killed the buzz for the entire group, but I'm sure they laughed about it at the wedding.

This was the night after the hotdog incident and my boss was on edge, since someone nearly died in his bar. Usually my boss is pretty chill, but that night he was on a short fuse. I gave a girl a free one for her birthday and he lost his shit. He dragged me into the cooler room and screamed that he was 'losing so much money because of me', and that he wouldn't hesitate in firing my ass if it happened again. He stormed out and gave me the warning letter at the end of my shift. I almost gave him my two weeks notice the next day, I wasn't happy.

I had worked at the pub since I was 18, so when I came in on my 22nd birthday, my boss was more than happy to shout me a few drinks. Some of the bottles included: Johnny Walker Blue, Cinnamon Smirnoff Vodka with gold flakes and a 35 year BenRiach, which is worth about $630 a bottle. We stayed there until 8am the next day and when I finally got home, I repainted the toilet in almost $200 worth of alcohol and afterwards I slept for a solid 30 hours. Good night.

We had 2 people order food the entire night and I was getting paid to do nothing, so my boss let me start a new cocktail menu. The one I created is sex in liquid form. So here is the recipe for my cocktail; the Whipped Dream.

2 scoops vanilla icecream
200ml chocolate milk
15 ml Creme de Cacao (chocolate liquer)
15 ml Mozart White Chocolate Liquer
15 ml Butterscotch Everglades
15 ml Malibu (coconut)

Mix it all in a blender and top with whipped cream and chocolate shavings, like a milkshake. It's only 2 standard drinks, so even you lightweights can handle it.

If anyone has any good cocktail suggestions, I'm always adding to the menu.