MyWifeHitsMe
76467
1691
126
Feb 25, 2019 12:16 AM
MyWifeHitsMe
76467
1691
126
bigexcuseme
Everyone sleep
simplejacksoffhismeds
Even though it sooths a crying baby, don't blow crack smoke into its face.
iamlamp2
Don't put baby in the corner
cjpoet
Don't put baby in a corner.
physicsisabitch
It's easy. Just be on the same page as your wife....or she'll hit you.
upyournosewitharubberhose
kadaeux
I recommend a nice pie. - The Witch
groxx
Feed it a steady diet of memes so it grows up as dank as possible.
MrsBananaGrabber
Totally normal. Take it one day at a time, go easy on yourself, find resources if you need help. My fave is Taking Cara Babies for sleep!
nhanhake742
My baby is almost 4, I still dont know what to do.
MyWifeHitsMe
Lol, he is now 9 months and I'm still kinda winging it.
BradPiss
Congratulations. I feel you. Got a 2 mnths premie baby girl. 1st month i was constantly scared and looked at her 24/7.
MerToo
Ah yes I had two of those in a row and can now correctly interpret pretty much every Ping! in an NICU.
MerToo
they're not hard work, but they are quite tiring. Pro Tip: Sometimes, even though you have done all the right things, they will just scream.
MerToo
So get some bloody earplugs or industrial earmuffs, because there's no earthly good reason you should suffer the noise un-moderated.
Duceswild99
I remembr going home with ours & thinking “how the heck are they putting us in charge of this life” take it a day at a time and drink coffee
DangerousNoodle
AND NO ONE NOTICED YOUR USERNAME! Are you alright OP? Blink twice if you need help.
HeyHarryOldBuddyOldPal
My wife is pregnant with our first. Due in September. I’m terrified. But also pumped.
MrRandom314159
I reminded of the first "Baby Blues" newspaper comic. Both the mom and baby just staring at each other thinking... 'Now what?'
McFluffySundae
Newborns are easy. Food, warmth, sleep, just make sure they don't kill themselves and you're good. They sleep a lot. Toddlers now. . .
MerToo
haha yeah at some point in the next few months you might wanna get the trick-catches on the cupboard doors and move anything you love UP.
BelgianGuy
Mine is 18 year old and we still don't know exactly.
boopboop11
The pediatrician office can always answer questions, as can the hospital where you had the baby. Healthykids.org has lots of good advice
Gremlynn4023
Always give it 5-10 minutes before changing a poopy diaper. If you rush, it may not be done pooping, and squirt poop all over everything.
Tony2eyes
Put it in a crockpot with a Dr. pepper on medium for 12 hours.
DrRad
Slow roast at 300. 20 minutes per pound.
Elerich
with a unopened can of Dr. pepper? or baste the baby?
IMTHEONEWHOSTOLEALLOFTHECOOKIESFROMTHECOOKIEJAR
yes
DuckyBird101
Wearing drugstore ear plugs during crying marathons doesn't make u a bad parent cuz u can still hear the baby plus it can keep ur headache
MerToo
^^ this. For the third time in these comments, lemme just say: This. Sometimes they just scream for the hell of it but it will break you.
montemanm1
^^ This. Both my kids owe their lives to hearing protection
DuckyBird101
From getting worse. Babies can b distracted by anything a ceiling fan did wonders the 1st 6mths she'd be dressed warn put in her rocker ..
DuckyBird101
Under the ceiling fan for some reason it calmed her down watching, she'd fall asleep it was beautiful.
freckledkink
The vacuum cleaner saved me. Strange, but amazingly true. The white noise of it would put the baby right to sleep.
DuckyBird101
My mom used the vacuum to get my older sister to sleep.
kbank710
My husband and I just had our first 5 months ago. Its scary, amazing, gross and hilarious! Congrats!
MildlyIrateBomber
Every parent feels that way.
FoundThePineapple
Sometimes all four at the same time!
islander311
Some times those diaper blowouts are worth calling your partner over to see!
mirrelle
Cuddle it. set up the tv for midnight viewings. Feed it and don't beat yourself up if you cant breastfeed. Change stinky butts. Get sudocrem
mirrelle
Have LOTS of spare baby wraps/ swaddles and suits. And washcloths.
MerToo
^^ the swaddle thing is a good skill, babies love swaddles! And buy a real big carton of wet-wipes...and the biggest jar of Sudocreme...
mirrelle
Oh and waterproof sheets if you can, ours were all vomiters.
mirrelle
Get snacks for mum cause damn breastfeeding can be hungry work.
mirrelle
Most importantly don't be afraid of asking for help.
mirrelle
I felt the same with my firstborn then 2 and 3 were twins and i can barely even remember the first few months, except the sweet baby cuddles
whitey211
Chainsaws. Babies LOVE chainsaws.
GigiDundas
Don't put it in your butt
islander311
Well fuck... THAT must be why my kids keep getting taken away from me. I was blaming the penut butter
jesstaurantalizardbeth
That's solid advice!
IHateTrumpButNotYou
*writes feverishly* "Don't. Put. In. Butt." *audibly underlines*
HighImpactSexualViolence
Paige no
Zodiacc91
I’m not falling for that for the 8th time
MatrimsCauffin
Well duh... Everyone knows the belly button is for returns
LAB1A
UnderConstructionForever
NOT EVERYTHING’S A DILDO IF YOU’RE BRAVE ENOUGH
Megalodann
listen you dont make that mistake more than once
IHateTrumpButNotYou
Unless you had twins
CanIGetSomeExtraSalt
you're not going to sleep for the next 12 years starting today
Menathradon87
Mine is a champ at sleeping. Never a major issue.....first couple of weeks suck, starts to suck less as time goes on. Worth it!
darkhalfbreed
12 if that kid isn't like "i want to be in every club"
SkyeIngram17
Smayds
Because that would be too long.
MrsBananaGrabber
There are so many great resources for helping baby sleep. 6 months in and I’ve been getting 6-8 hours a night since week 4. Just gotta learn
MrsBananaGrabber
Happiest Baby on the Block (Karp) and Taking Cara Babies online baby sleep courses are my favorites
aneyeholeman
We have a 2mo old and we're up to 7hrs in a row at night.
Menathradon87
At first I read this as you're up for 7 hours and felt some anxiety for you...then I read it again. Kids rock!
uebermacht
Just keep it alive
KenAdams42
DodgerMac
First couple months are legit nightmares about baby not being alive. Real talk, bringing baby home is scary....
babycheesehead
As opposed to...?
blairsette
I feel like that’s the hard part
MyWifeHitsMe
It truly is, our son had colic and it was hell for a few weeks.
blairsette
I’m happy you guys passed that. Now time to wrap him or the entire house in bubble wrap
HeirElfSquire
VeryRealGirlAndNotRussianBot
And don't drop it.
roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
idonthithim
He doesnt need this advice. Its. 9 months old now it was his 10th favorite.
MyWifeHitsMe
Dont call him an it. -.-
neos501
Don't assume it's gender.
TheNotSoGreatDepression
idonthithim
I meant the damn post not our boy!!
MyWifeHitsMe
aMiu
Feed it, change the diapers, let it sleep. Take the rest as it comes
Sharksi
Also, you will be pooped, peed and puked on. Enjoy! Mom of a 4 weeks old here
Daxton
+don't forget about vaccines
TatooineNomad
Wait at least two months before starting it on filling out tax forms. By 18 months it should be ready for its first job.
FoundThePineapple
Sleep when the baby does, eat when the baby does, poop when the baby does, cry when the baby does
Kassimila
Seriously, if it's crying it's one of those things. Food, Change, Burp, Sleep. "Overstimulated" is nonsense.
youcancallmesusanifitmakesyouhappy
Start kennel training asap
blackstoned
Five Ss. Swaddle, shoosh, shake (gently), and two other Ss. Change the diaper and give them the boob, but with an S
DragonCorgi
Basically this. Google the rest. Congratulations!!!
rylecx
Keep it alive with the basics and google the rest. You'll never be fully prepared
DreadPierateRoberts
Sell
bushmuncher
Buy baby food diapers and lots of wine
QuaqueNocte
Sometimes pinch his/her cheeks if you feel like it.
YouRadicalizedMe
Be really loud while the baby sleeps so it will get use to loud noises and sleep through a lot more sounds
squreky
Father of 2 here, this is pretty much it. Go to sleep earlier than you usually do. You'll be waking up every 2-3 hrs to feed it.
loupgarou21
Shit, for the first week, if the baby is sleeping, you should be sleeping.
subnaut
^ sleep every chance you can or you’ll go crazy. I don’t remember the first month at home with my twins due to lack of sleep and stress.
WackyPaki
And burp it. Sometimes it'll take half an hour to get the burp. First time dad to a 2 month old here. And sometimes even after all that (1/2
lDanielHolm
Don't forget to put a dish towel over your shoulder first.
Randersuarus
A good trick is to run both fingers up the spine and when they wiggle, that's where the burp is! My son had colic and it helped us so much
theincrediblehoek
.
LaPinguinaPeligrosa
@sarah how do I favorite a comment?
ChocolateCookieAndFudge
You couldn't have said so 13 months ago!?!
WackyPaki
They will want to just cry their minds out. Could be gas, try Gripe water. Also white noise works wonder to put them to sleep. Enjoy! (2/2)
Drougals
I built a loft for a woman that would want us to make no noise between 11 and 1 so her daughter could nap every day. Her daughter was 5
OthisismyhappyfaceO
First two weeks were bad and with gas, doctor suggested infacol. Absolute miracle of a thing.
Kunitsu
We used to do the bouncing rocking motion (light bounces while rocking back n forth) and she'd settle down faster and burp easier too
itslikesomesortofneutronbomb
YES white noise! Mommy’s belly was constantly full of background white noise for 9 months. Quiet is bad and foreign to the new nugget
GrimReaper411
Gas drops. YOU WANT GAS DROPS! They save a fucking huge amount of time amd effort. Also try to never get frustrated, because they sense that
BrownJellyTrail
These two guys have it spot on. Just keep doing that until they start asking you to buy shit for them. Come back here for more advice.
chips4k
.
Randallb23
Amen
Figgleduck
So much yes on white noise. Try shower sounds. Puts the baby to sleep all the time
ForboJack
I like to sleep to sounds of a rain and storm.
Kunitsu
And dont keep the house super quiet, you want them accustomed to noise or you'll never sleep again
Drougals
Trued to explain this to a client we were working for. She wanted us to put the tools down between 11 and 1 everyday. Request denied