perckq
440983
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Looks like I got enough material for a first part for user submitted quotes, so here you go guys!
Thanks to these guys for quotes used in the first part:
AgentCharlesCarmmicheal
BecauseSometimes
Bubbalo24
doyouwantapopsicle
KingOfTheCasuals
macewindow
MOTDF
runningkell
SexuallyAmbiguousPangolin
space cookies
theblackcoat
Veldareth
ViperDude
VodkaSupernova
zombii
Special thanks to everybody else who didn't make it this time!
Feel free to message me quotes, they are appreciated.
I won't be taking stuff from the comment section unless you specifically ask for it.
Here are the links to the original out of context D&D shenanigans:
Part I: http://imgur.com/gallery/zM4qd
Part II: http://imgur.com/gallery/hP85P
Part III: http://imgur.com/gallery/wkQrb
Part IV: http://imgur.com/gallery/ao3zc
User submitted D&D shenanigans:
Part II: http://imgur.com/gallery/kKAs9
You should tune back once in a while to see if I've made anything new if you like these.
A lot of people have commented questions on how to start playing D&D or Pathfinder. Please try http://roll20.net/ or ask from possible nerdy friends!
woogigooie
imgoingtogetthisaccountbanned
"you bluff is so good you actually vomit seashells" favorite that happened to me
PaulCarillo8
22nd? That's some incredible luck. For my group it was more like 4th.
SquirrelinSC
I love playing MTG but live in a very small hick town and had no one to play with. I wanted to learn to play D&D but again, no one around.
Leonon
"That's right! Who stabs kidneys? I stab kidneys!" (then later) "Stand back, I'm a professional!" (entire room proceeds to explode)
FlareonTheFalseProphet
#14 oh and that guys artificial leg, we really need that
DarthWalrus
I have one: the bedroll clogs the dragons throat and it chokes to death
MetalJesus
"Roll for silent movement." *whispering* "I rolled a nineteen." "I got twenty-one." *loudly* "I ROLLED A THREE!"
SageOfsteel
"I swear to god I'm gonna eat that box of yours"
SageOfsteel
"No, you can't eat that"
dammitjim
"Allow me to translate using the universal language of DANCE!"
bringingclawstoagunfight
"Numfar, do the dance of joy!"
Lockerkid
Ranger: I came to this city seeking a wife, to start a family and grow old with. (My) cleric: we'll I'm on the lookout for the whorehouse.
Whydopeoplekeepcallingmethat
Fun fact: In ancient Babylon, it is believed the Priestesses of Ishtar engaged in prostitution as a religious ritual.
elizagvb
One of my old party members tried to push me out of the way with his foot(I was a halfling). 20 20 20'd my head straight off.
SimonTheGodOfHairdoos
Me, mid combat (Half Orc Barbarian who fights without pants, always): "I want to seduce the dragon." DM:"...Roll it?" Me: "Wassup, gurl. 1/2
SimonTheGodOfHairdoos
Me: "Why you gotta do an orc brother like that? Gurl, I'mma hit you with that old school. I'll make love to you. Like you want me to." 2/3
SimonTheGodOfHairdoos
Me: "And I'll hold you tight, dragon all through the night." Roll...20. Dragon: "Oh my. Okay. I won't eat you." Me: *helicopters* 3/3
jqh2
You botch your ritual suicide and slay the troll.
NebulaPotato
I woke people up with that laugh. I hope you're happy.
IndianaWalsh
Player: "I grapple him." DM: "You're a Pixie."
AMediocreSubstituteForDave
The statue is completely unimpressed by your seduction attempts.
Saramme
"I decide to punch the ogre in the face." *rolls a 20* "You knock his head off." "Well Damn!"
ACatNamedVirtute
One of my old party members tried to push me out of the way with his foot(I was a halfling). 20 20 20'd my head straight off.
minipancho94
paly-"i reach into the fire and fling a burning log at the creepy ass ravens" me-"you burn yourself and instantly set the plains on fire"1/2
minipancho94
fire proceeds to rage for 13 hours fucking tons of shit up, and forcing the party to outrun it for the entire night. 2/2
Whydopeoplekeepcallingmethat
Reminds me of the incident my group had with demon-possessed squirrels, tall brush, and a fire spell. Fun fact: Demons tend to resist fire.
minipancho94
one player decided to make water balloons, but rubber doesnt exist in my world, the alternative, stomachs and guts from the butcher...
Spearka
#13 oh look! Magic: The Gathering art!
Entari0
I noticed that too. It was the selesnya symbol that clued me in.
IgnisErus
regenerate target creature you control for G i think
nodthenbow
Healing Touch
IgnisErus
that's it
Tsumino79
we need some out of place FATAL quotes "you accidentally rape the orc captain"
Whydopeoplekeepcallingmethat
http://1d4chan.org/images/b/b2/Anal_circumference.PNG
Tsumino79
exactly
IndianaWalsh
Or we could just try to pretend FATAL never existed. For all our sakes.
SpiffDeWiff
Rating elf maidens out of 18? I propose elf maidens are rated out of 13, which is a significantly more magical number.
Sakkura
Besides, anyone familiar with d6 would know it's 3-18, not 1-18.
MidwinterSnow
Well, why not just roll a D10 to find out?
IndianaWalsh
She could have suffered Charisma drain at some point.
winsol
CerebrawlHemmorage
It's one of the most evil things a GM can give someone.
SecludedGhost
Hand it over, sit back, and snicker under your breath.
realist81UK
or give players a wish each. at least one will freak out over wording it correctly.
jyetie
We spent a whole session drawing cards and then trying to figure out how to get the bard back to this dimension.
xamtheking
"Let's roll for who goes first!" *rolls a 1* "You can't play."
GlynStlln
Roll a dex check to dodge the ground. *roll 20* you develop levitation for one second a foot from the ground
Andersworth
There is an art to flying, or rather a knack. Its knack lies in learning to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
Itsjustmeisntit
This reminds me of that time where the guy wanted to punch a goblin in the dick, rolled a 1, and ended up giving him a handjob.
ZacMuerte
while the goblin was blinded and confused. so, of course, the goblin just broke down sobbing.
WWEGIFGUY
THE HAND OF MERCY!
HatsAreEssential
I once heard about a guy who had to play as the pack horse when that happened...
ACatNamedVirtute
But you only roll for initiative to start combat, you don't roll for who starts the game...
Alavar
If the dude actually stuck it out thats dedication lol.
HatsAreEssential
Apparently the DM said a 1 counted as a freak accident death upon start, and the guy got pissed and possessed the horse after dying.
DoctorCoktopus
Does that make him a ... ... horceror?
Xikiri
FUCK.
asdfgh12678
Player:"I'm going to use the goblin as a pillow" DM:"What?" Player:"I'm using the goblin as a pillow"
critterfluffy
I played a halfling rogue once. The party decided to brand the NE Rogue, take his clothes and use him as an Organ Grinder Monkey. 1/2
critterfluffy
I decided he didn't get angry. Was completely cool with it. They were terrified and they started taking shifts on watch in town inns 2/2
RomeoSniper
I had a Pixie character that constantly got used in weird ways like that.
Whydopeoplekeepcallingmethat
Go on...
asdfgh12678
The context was that the DMPC lost his weapon down a deep hole and ordered everyone to get it. Most had teleports or other ways to get down.
asdfgh12678
I didn't so I decided to use the unconscious goblin we just captured as a pillow and belly flopped down.
kenesisiscool
Did it work?
asdfgh12678
Yup. DM and group laughed so hard he let me take half damage. That and landing roll let me take 2 damage on a fall that could have done 60.
NimulosMaltibos
why don't you jump and roll dex to dodge the ground? or intimidate the ground to not hurt you or something?
AtlanDaGonozal
1/X we once had a guy seduce a virgin and he got to have sex with her. He rolled a 20 (worst in our system) and finished after 5 seconds,
AtlanDaGonozal
2/X then he tried making up for it with his finger skills. 20 again, his fist goes in dry. I wonder if the not-so-virgin anymore ever got
AtlanDaGonozal
3/3 over it.. Poor girl.
ACatNamedVirtute
What do you mean 20 is the worst in your system?
58weasels
They play ass backwards and the lower the better? That's my guess
ACatNamedVirtute
But that's so stupid...
58weasels
Yeah, yeah that is really dumb, I have no idea why anyone would do that
CGriffo124
I mean, technically it wouldn't change a thing, the odds of rolling any one number is still 1/20
TheLastRegret
Some games (e.g. Call of Cthulhu) use % dice, where low rolls are better. Modifiers are less of a thing, and the "DC" is your chance (1/?)
TheLastRegret
of success. So, if the DC is 75%, you have to roll 75% or lower to succeed. This works out nicely when you don't have a bunch of (2/?)
TheLastRegret
modifiers to add, but it takes a minute to wrap your head around. I'm guessing his system did something similar, but with a d20 to simplify.
AtlanDaGonozal
1 - best die throw, 20 - worst case scenario
ACatNamedVirtute
No I get that, but WHY? That's like saying being kicked in the nuts is the best possible outcome.
AtlanDaGonozal
putting 1 as the best and 20 as the worst or vice versa is arbritrary
AtlanDaGonozal
Nah, we just go from the other side. On a scale from 1 - 20 we just went the different direction. Why not?
ACatNamedVirtute
Because WHY? There's not reason to change it in the first place, 20 being a critical makes so much more sense.
yodudechick
my most recent boyfriend refused to teach me to play D&D. I broke up with him but I've yet to learn...
Toasterpops
i've just joined up on roll20 Zalanii, I too am learning to play if you want to look me up
JoshHVandy
I'm actually teaching a dozen people at the moment. PM me if you want some help getting started.
UH60Mechanic
meetup.com, you can usually find groups in the area and sometimes they're pretty nice/helpful. depends on area obviously.
Whydopeoplekeepcallingmethat
I should try this.... I miss D&D but have no friends in the area who play....
UH60Mechanic
Honestly i have found groups everywhere I have lived. The quality is always debatable, but at least it gets you out there. Good luck! :)
GinnyGinGin
:O :D Thanks!
UH60Mechanic
No problem. I always find at least 2 groups for D&D, and some for MTG and anime too. :)
Cyanogenesis
Learning to play is easy. Finding enough people who can meet at the same time for several hours is always my problem.
RomeoSniper
That and finding people who are dedicated. I had so many people that would just stop showing up.
Cyanogenesis
I had a friend who said he'd DM for us and needed people. I invited a few friends who all said they could, but flaked for over a month...
maledictum
Why did he refuse to do it?
minipancho94
well would you happen to be within 100 miles of ventura county? cause if not, best i can do is link you the books and roll20.net
HerculesXion
Woo Ventura County.
yodudechick
:( I live in DC
critterfluffy
Good method of not being geographically limited is Pathfinder and Roll20. All Pathfinder is free online and Roll20 is an online game table
skeeli614
I really need you guys to find me that greentext of the lucha libre wrestling the dragon.
perckq
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/31288591/D%26D/1376934921977.jpg
TheBoxGh0st
Would you also like Vincent the vending machine?
GinnyGinGin
I haven't heard this one! :D
TheBoxGh0st
Here you go ya shyster (or shystess, fuck it I dunno if there's a female version)
GinnyGinGin
Beautiful! Thank you kind sir/ma'am!
TheBoxGh0st
You are welcome (sir btw). Watch out for large, rectangular debris falling from the sky at terminal velocity.
GinnyGinGin
This is part of the reason I made a grappling druid and her crocodile. Not nearly as epic, but I can dream, right?
critterfluffy
Pathfinder's Crocodile domain I am assuming. That is a pretty cool domain for druids. Not affective Vs other choices but interesting.
GinnyGinGin
That was actually the initial plan; wow, good job catching that! But that group just wanted me to hide and heal, after telling me I could(1)
GinnyGinGin
do anything :T So, in a homebrew 3.5 the DM modified a wolf familiar to be like a dwarf caiman, and let it grow to become a giant croc!(2/2)
IAmTheOneWhoMocks
Hang on, you mean to tell me seduction ISN'T the answer to life's problems?
Beepity
I dunno, that's a pretty sexy lock. Might as well at least try.
AMediocreSubstituteForDave
The statue is completely unimpressed by your seduction attempts.
casualdingus
Neither is Intimidation. I know, I'm disappointed too.
TheLordLucifersBannedAccount02
When those two don't work, Bluff.
casualdingus
....Um... can I roll for...diplomacy?
PrincesssButtercup
One of the guys I play with rolls to seduce pretty much everything he comes into contact with. He actually did seduce a lock open once
ac112
To be fair, though, cha is the power to manipulate and change facets of the world around you. Also, he could have picked it with his penis.
Zaranthan
I think that was the opposite of what was implied by that quote. The lock is clearly sentient if they're using social skills on it.
Elonth
i wouldn't say that. i knew i guy who would attempt to seduce anything. on the off chance it might be sentient. which it never was.
IAmTheOneWhoMocks
But if it's sentient, wouldn't the lock be attracted to other locks? Or maybe the male version of a lock is a lockpick?
airandfingers
Simple, just disguise yourself as a lock (or lockpick).
Tninja1337
I love this comment.
IAmTheOneWhoMocks
And it loves you! In a platonic way of course, you aren't a comment after all.
NotACanadian
Oh my god, how can you just assume the sexuality of door mechanisms?!
NuclearBoxcutter
no its beck
NuclearBoxcutter
y
IAmTheOneWhoMocks
Easy, depends on whether it's hung like a doorhandle or if it has huge knockers.
RogerMajor
Does anyone else remember the greentext about Sir Bearington? That was the funniest D&D shenanigans I've ever seen.
58weasels
I'm just commenting to read these excellent stories later, don't mind me
shuttl3cock
Me gusta
LordHedgehog
Check out the war beagle green text
Howkinkyareyou
Was there not one about someone climbing into someone or something? And killing the person from inside? I might be wrong..
SkippyDontCare
i like to reread it sometime
SqualorOtter
What was the immensely creepy one where they where it implied the band got drugged and murdered an entire town?
SithLordChimichanga
Replying so I can get all of these
MocaBear
Glad to hear it
Zordicron
Someone link the orc barbarian/priest story where he intimidates his evil party into following him to do good. Man I can't think of the name
Isopor
There's a great one where it turns out a character was actually a dwarf hiding in a prostitute's vagina the entire time.
BYERE
I know that story!
ACatNamedVirtute
Me and my friends bring that up like every other session.
IJustWantToSaveStuff
Our party's ranged slayer rolled 6 1's in about 8 rolls to kill both my swashbuckler and our party's wizard. 1/2
IJustWantToSaveStuff
2/2 When his character left on shame the next week, no original party members remained from the start of our quest.
CerebrawlHemmorage
This one is a true classic:
MrBananaBeak
I play shitloads of d&d...and can tell you that this is almost certainly fake. Still funny though.
CerebrawlHemmorage
I'm surprised nobody has mentioned the only two stories more classic than it either. Gazebo story, and magic missile at the darkness.
MrBananaBeak
MAGIC MISSLE REQUIRES A TARGET GODDAMMIT lol
AdamPrince
Close contender:
jobnotfound
I died!
SomeFriesMuthaFucka
God I miss this
pookieeatworld
Does anyone remember the comment chain from a few months ago where the guy falls off the wall and rolls two 1's and then three 20's~
pookieeatworld
And his lifeless, flaming corpse decapitates a dragon or something like that?
ZOMGNO
IS THERE A LINK?
SteevyT
Oh god that was brilliant.
abokasee
tranderas
I was eating breakfast. I'm still eating breakfast, but suddenly nothing has any flavor and i feel sick...
LactaidOverDose
Ew ew ew
norwayman
see how you like Krod
HardlyTheParty
Dying
JamesBluntThatSmartassCunt
Beautiful.
opcrystal
"and they knew better than to not be a crows nest" ".... roll it" I can just see the frustration on the GM's face LOL
critterfluffy
Me as DM: He is mad and imagines a crows nest. He is sitting in pile of wood. Bonus, any mind access requires attacker roll will save too
hisowlhasagun
I'd love Krod, if I ever met him, which, even if I did I couldn't admit I had.
SomeFriesMuthaFucka
This this makes me weep such sweet tears
raidleadergutts
This was fucking glorious!
Frostkyte
Oh my god. Angry Carpenter is now my favorite tabletop story.
herc18
That was one of the greatest things I've seen in a long time.
hopyshipitshopeyshit
I love Krod. That is how I like it.
TheBoxGh0st
MOAR:
hopyshipitshopeyshit
Thank you!
TheBoxGh0st
Next time post the whole thing dammit:
critterfluffy
The silver door reminds me of the time my DM added cold iron bars. Me a friend worked out the volume and density of cold iron and 1/2
critterfluffy
began to rip the bars out of a time restricted dungeon. The DM didn't know they were worth like 40K with commodity prices. 2/2
CaptainUnspeakable
Look up Old Man Henderson. You will not regret it.
TheHatts
has anyone found the sequel?
CaptainUnspeakable
It's all on 1d4chan, far as I know
ToastyMozart
"MUCKLE DAMRED CULTI 'AIR EH NAMBLIES BE KEEPIN' ME WEE MEN!?!?"
NightRush
OMH is epic. But to be honest Call of Cthulhu encourages crazy awesome behaviour.
CaptainUnspeakable
And thank goodness, too. More games like that, please!
RobotBeardThePirate
Let me introduce you to Los Tiburon.
NuclearBoxcutter
dude
SomeBigLlamas
I can't choose a favorite between this and Sir Bearington. It's impossible!
Genbuthesaint
I AM LAUGHING SO HARD, I CANT STOP THE TEARS!
MrBananaBeak
FOURTH FUCKING LEVEL!?!?
ACatNamedVirtute
My old party had "Billy the Dragon Grappler". He was a summoned skeleton that just grappled things. He also pinned and killed a dragon.
ACatNamedVirtute
The same way too. It flew up, he pinned its wings, and he drove it into the ground rolling 20,20,20 and killed himself and the dragon.
perckq
Yeah bearington is a really famous paste.http://dicemonkey.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/E665n.jpg
StarmanUltra
Holy crap I didn't think it was possible for me to lose my shit that quickly, I didn't make it past "max out bluff"
CallmeIshfail
This reminds me of chicken boo from animaniacs.
MisterMetalMaker
YAY!
roopjm
I am fucking, DYING
kayakninjas
Why have I never seen this?!
opcrystal
what about the guy who married a goblin or something like that because he kept failing rolls
spacerocks
commenting in case it's found...looked
roopjm
Same
YoureWaifuAShit
BLUFF DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY
perckq
on meth it does.
melwil
That's the wonderful thing about DnD... You can make anything up.
NimulosMaltibos
that's generally the point of RP - if there's too tight rules restricting what you can play it becomes rather boring
kelestofkels
I am currently making The Boulder as a character. I hope to live up to this level of awesome.
pancreas
Sounds boring. The Boulder already exists, what would you gain from playing as him. Maybe use him as inspiration for a unique(ish) character
pancreas
(2)I'm currently playing a tiefling arcanist inspired by Teen Titan's Raven/Buffy's Willow and Angel, using them as examples for behaviour
kelestofkels
sounds fun! I wanna see what kind of shenanigans I can get away with by making a genasi monk with a love for tiny unicorn collectables.
pancreas
as long as your first goal is a figurine of wondrous power (or the DnD equivalent) for unicorn summoning.
whateversomethingdifferentiguessfkit
my Gnome Monk has been sucked into a void and spit out with Warforged augmentations. I didn't ask for this.
EveColonyCommander
there more?
frozenpie22
nope
EveColonyCommander
Shame :(
frozenpie22
Agreed