DumpingSh1tandBeingKind2
85642
1867
27
Nov 7, 2023 12:43 PM
DumpingSh1tandBeingKind2
85642
1867
27
A1J1K1
Everybody always says "life's too short" No mutha fucka life's too LONG, I'm damn near thirty, considering the average lifespan of an American I ain't about to spend another forty years dealing with assholes.
BryanTenn
We all have that one relative that keeps moving states away from their parents.. then their parents move right next to them. Rinse, repeat. It's like the parents can't take a hint. GTFO.
intaglioguy
I don't call them "family members." I call them "former abusers." Really cuts short the "but, but, ..." followups.
JinxRocks
My brother was an abusive asshole and still is. I only tolerate him because our mom is still with us. Once she passes, he is cut off completely. I don't need his bullshit anymore. I am too old for infantile grudges (I was born kinda fast after he was and he resents me for that - kinda fucked up he wants more of mom's attention when she's the one who decided to have another kid, no me. ANd that's why he can fuck right the hell off.)
loopdesigns
Make sure everything is in order with her estate or you'll be fighting him for a while. Or maybe you already have.
KILLERCHROMATIC
I gave up talking to my mum a couple of years ago and it’s been so liberating. Have finally been able to face some trauma and move on. Then I started feeling like all my dad ever did was make me feel awful so I’ve decided to cut him and his new family out too. I doubt they will even notice but it feels good to have set my own boundary.
marquettegoldeneagles
Same. People in the fam were making me feel awful and I didn't realize what kind of toll it was taking on me until I cut them out of my brainscape. They wont realize either but oh well.
pyaremohan
On the contrary, life is the longest time you will have. Even if it is just one day.
Shaodyn
I don't talk to my uncle anymore. Basically nobody in the family does after it was discovered that he tried to put my grandma (his own mother) in a nursing home against her will because it was cheaper than the in-home care she wanted, all so there'd be more money left at inheritance time.
flexstar
Longbowgun
This is the Way.
MoonMoon89
ztygs
There's a saying in Denmark. "Venner er den familie du selv vælger." Which means "Friends are the family you yourself choose."
Kehy
In English we need to bring back the term "kin" into more common use. It's those you consider family, blood relation or not
ztygs
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
Helsbels
Life's too short to tolerate nonsense just because you share since genetic material.
TDhattrick1022
We don't talk to my mother anymore. Grandma and my aunts all say she should be in our lives. All the uncles who married into the family understand. And I think they are a little bit jealous we could cut her out.
invaliduserformat
Agreed on that last sentence, I noticed a similar sentiment when I went no-contact with my mother from extended family/friends, like they were envious I actually did it whilst they are too cowardly to do so. I understand misery loves company. But I don't like company.
TDhattrick1022
It's not exclusively a Millennial or Gen Z thing, but the newer generations channeling Marie Kondo and cutting out things that don't "spark joy" is a beautiful pushback on the status quo. Don't let shit slide just because they're family.
Neonbaron
Although it should be clear that cutting out family isn't a one size fits all thing. There are family relationships that can be mended, and there are those that are better surgically removed
trikucian
Mihesuah
I received a call a few days ago from someone who told me I was the worst son for not helping his mother. I was called a few names too. They told me about her problems and how she needed help, especially last week. I told them that I doubted that since my mom had passed away from Alzheimer's three years ago. There was silence on the other end, then another voice asked if I was "Paul". Nope, you have the wrong person and mother.
NiftyGoblin
family and friends ask me the same thing why I dont talk to my brother so at this point Im just very blunt and will say flat out that I dont talk to pedophiles.
RoscoeDeBoscoe
That's a good one, really voids anything they can say
NiftyGoblin
yep shuts them right up
FaecalJacksonPollock
Hell yeah, cut those toxic assholes out of your life like you're River Tam butchering Reavers!
LowlevelRebel
And all while wearing a dress. That scene was Elektra-level shit. She can fight the Avengers whilst rocking an off-the shoulder gown all while keeping anyone from seeing up the dress.
Ebo352
My sister has been low key bullying me my whole adult life and after confronting her and demanding we create a better relationship, she just intensified her bullying. Not talked to her in 2 years, and feel much better for it.
One of few things Bible got 100% right: the blood of the covenant is more important than the water of the womb.
marquettegoldeneagles
Word. They say once a bully always a bully and our sisters prove that as true.
Ebo352
Just noticed your username; had the pleasure of attending during D-Wade's last year at MU and graduated a few years later. At least I can enjoy the upswing the basketball program seems on this year!
marquettegoldeneagles
Yes enjoy yourself! I had a class with D-Wade (of course he was only in class probably one time) but he was a nice fellow!
GratuaCuun
8 years ago I tried to warn my sister that bringing the douche she was sleeping with to Thanksgiving was going to be a disaster - save it for Christmas when it wouldn't matter. The dude couldn't say more than three words without cussing. He did drugs. He didn't like our food and vocalized that fact. For my trouble - I was told to stay thr fuck out of my sister's life. Eight years on - I have done EXACTLY that
doesntmatter
I'm curious why it would matter less during Christmas? (Also was it a disaster?)
GratuaCuun
Christmas is a smaller occasion - less people - just immediate family. Would have been easier to sell this doorknob without the extended relatives making a bad situation worse. And very much so - dickhead complained about the food - the annual holiday film marathon - the parade - and they decided to try to have a make-out session on the couch after dinner. Disaster is an understatement.
doesntmatter
Oh, that makes sense – Christmas is to me what Thanksgiving is to you so I thought it would also be like that. Sorry to hear about your sister's choice in men
GratuaCuun
Always been that way for me - November is an easy time to get get days off for everyone, we do the big GROUP EVENT for Thanksgiving and then do smaller 'immediate family' celebrations for Christmas (since everyone's usually had ENOUGH of each other by that point) and, just, everybody goes out for New Years
CanadianCobraChicken
"BuT sHe'S yOuR mOtHeR!" Yeah? I never said she wasn't. I only said I was done talking to someone who treated my feelings like they don't matter, who snapped at me for not "reflecting well on her" and then turn around and ask me why I don't hug her enough. Being my mother doesn't excuse the crap she put me through.
invaliduserformat
"No, she pretty much stopped being a mother when she put a knife to my throat because I didn't wash the dishes fast enough and wasn't in the mood to sit there silently for yet another one of her character assassinations that even takes me through the plate I broke when I was five." - killer party line whenever I hear that shit excuse from shitheads who dont mind their own business.
CanadianCobraChicken
invaliduserformat
All good bro/sis. It's just my go-to answer because its true. Sorry if I freaked anyone out.
CanadianCobraChicken
All good my man! It's the internet; gotta make doubly sure!
invaliduserformat
I appreciate your thoughtful ass!
Mandarinduckmama
We don't realize the damage family does, sometimes, because it becomes white noise.
ThisIsntMyActualName
You cant choose your family, which is why you can choose to have better friends!!
marquettegoldeneagles
We tolerate and deal with it because we're told we must. But why?
Mandarinduckmama
When you're young, the elasticity of your mind reshapes things to appear normal. When you get distance, as you move out, find new relationships, you establish a new normal, and the abuse becomes apparent and less tolerable. Distance is key.
marquettegoldeneagles
Thank you!
DarkZalgo
Yeah. I didn't realize I had a traumatic and somewhat abusive childhood until I was 30 and started going to therapy.
saipemcastorone3000
I'm in that boat right now. Coming to realize all the things that messed me up, the problems it caused in relationships. I'm about to be 40 and want to fix it, so my daughter doesn't suffer the same fate. Good on you for seeking help.
ilikepot8os
I was in my 40s before I realized it wasn't normal for a parent to just up and leave for days because you didn't brush your teeth. Apparently love is supposed to be unconditional and not transactional. Realizing that put a lot of my life and behaviors in perspective.
scarlettslutboi
Me: "I haven't seen my Dad in 16 years."
Friend: "You should reach out to him. Whatever he did, it can't be bad enough to cut him out of your life. "
Me: "He kicked me out of the house at 14 for being gay. Told me I wasn't his son anymore and that he never wanted to see me again. I'm just respecting his wishes."
dragonsluvtacos
If we wouldn’t put up with that behavior from strangers why should we have to from family members?
BlueDsc
People who get along well, or even just amicably with family usually don't understand those who have horrific relationships with family. I have a friend who will probably dance on his parents' graves whenever they die, and I have another friend who absolutely cannot wrap their mind around having that bad of a relationship with family.
marquettegoldeneagles
At first I couldn't fathom it either. I thought I would feel like a failure but once I cut out the rabid people I was like oh yea. I totally get this now!
marquettegoldeneagles
My family was making me feel bad for the way I was SURVIVING after my twin passed. Was it the healthiest? No. Did I make it out the other end? Yes. I refuse to let me make me feel bad for my survivial.
KyleAldrete
Abuse is abuse no matter who does it. family member, stranger, coworker, boss. it might harm you financially to cut them out of your life but its better to be free unless you will actually die losing the support. find a way to become independent from them first if necessary.
Dondarian
It's funny whenever people say this to me because I don't talk to my oldest brother anymore. He's a racist Trump supporting MAGA, and he's narcissistic AF. And he doesn't talk to me, because I'm a leftist socialistic democrat who likes video games, and actually likes to talk to his spouse.
Gaelwyn
Hey, that's my brother and me too! Only difference is I think he does actually like his spouse.
doesntmatter
Maybe he'd be less jealous if you didn't speak so much to his spouse
Dondarian
Hahaha! I should clarify better. He and his wife are very unhappy from what I've witnessed. And it seems like they just never talk. I actually like my wife. My brother, on the other hand, is basically a baby boomer, so he subscribes to all of those stupid tropes.
GetInLosersWereGonnaDoScience
Jfc do we have the same older brother?
Dondarian
Did I just get a new brother?!?!
GetInLosersWereGonnaDoScience
A sister actually. And…
loopdesigns
I hadn't spoken to my mother in 5 years. She died and I met some of the people she knew. "Yeah, yeah. I know you all liked her. You didn't have to live with her." I'm not listening to the crap!
cassidyscroden
Same
KILLERCHROMATIC
Yes right! I get that all the time but these people spend like 1 hour with my mom and goes home. 24/7 for your whole life is a pretty different experience!
michkbrady22
May I ask, did you attend the funeral? I'm NC 5 years from her now but, thanks to years of CBT and fabulous support from the very few left in the family, I've let them all know I'm going on a wine tasting course whenever she pops her clogs. I hope you have people who have your back too. X
loopdesigns
There was no funeral. I picked up her ashes on my 50th birthday. I have a loving husband and his parents help.
loopdesigns
Unfortunately, she got the last laugh. No estate, no insurance and I'm out $3400. Joy
Jace99
You shouldn’t be paying anything. They can’t make you pay her debts, especially if you were estranged and she had no estate or assets. If you haven’t paid the legal fees, don’t! The lawyer has to recover his fee from the state. if she died intestate.
loopdesigns
That was the cremation. I'm not liable for anything else. Probate is still in the works.
echoawoo
You weren't responsible for that, either. It's not next of kin's job to dispose the body, it's who ever wants the body out the house. Or morgue. Or whatever.
loopdesigns
The funeral director isn't going to tell me that.
Thunderchunks
Fuck, they made you pay to cremate her? That sucks! Shouldn't the government have some sort of body disposal thing for folks that nobody wants to cover their funereal expenses? Like for Jane/John Doe situations?
AeonQuasars
The American dream
loopdesigns
It cost $2900 to walk in the funeral home at $350 for the cremation. I gave the bill to the lawyer, he seems to think I can get something. We shall see.
FairweatherHobbyist
I particularly like the folks who go on about all the sacrifices parents make or how important that relationship is. Neglectful abusive people exist, and there's a decent chance they're someone's parents.
doesntmatter
To be fair, there's a 100% chance they're aomebody's child :P
ilikepot8os
You should only respect the sacrafices people make that you ask for. A child never asked their parent to sacrafice for the simple fact that they are a child.
DrPBizzle
I think it’s fair to respect parents who go over and above the bare minimum. That’s not to say they should be allowed to hold that over their kids. This is from the perspective of someone who has good parents.
doesntmatter
No, you should respect the sacrifices people make for you whether you ask for them or not. People just shouldn't use such sacrifices as ways to guilt other people (in the context of parent to child).
thedudeman519
"I brought you into this world , Ican take you out of it! " They never did :(
albaboss
THIS! Anytime someone brings up the sacrifices they made raising you, it feels like manipulation. You wanted kids right?? You knew what goes into that
thedudeman519
"You wanted kids right?? "
MrSmilingDeath
Especially if you're not their first child. They've been through it already so if they really don't like the "sacrifices" they had to make, they should have done something about it beforehand considering they'd already had a taste of parenthood before.
Xecryo
"I don't talk to my dad anymore." "Oh well you should reach out he is family aft-" "He choked my mother." *awkward silence
echoawoo
Yeah generally when people do this shit, do exactly this. Tell them why. They'll shut the fuck up and you only need the cursory you're an asshole to e to get the point across. Most will learn, some will not.
OnePostCloserToAHappierLIfe
"...*without* her consent.."
sortofkindamadbutnotreally
My wife's family are fucking nuts aside from her kid sister. IMO the "life is short" crowd are made all the more obnoxious simply because dont you think I would be all over it if it was worth trying? My wife has horrendous anxiety and self worth issues and it stems almost entirely from having a cabal of egotistical ghouls where her family and support should have been
InternetAnonymityplz
I tell people my dad and I are just going through the motions until one of us dies, that's also good for ending the conversation without a bunch of platitudes.
Subsound
I am always astonished how often people assume the person that said "no more" and walks away is the problem. Demanding the victim forgive the attacker/abuser and "make amends" is a boundary violation already...and its doubly insulting when a stranger starts telling the victim how "it actually was."
engineeringwombocombo
"Im sure they meant well! You should try to reconnect, I'm sure they've gotten better over the years!"
Subsound
Yeah....that happens so often a friend, who was thrown down a flight of stairs, keeps photos of herself in the hospital recovering to ask people if they'd forgive this from anyone.
anjeleyezjr
You owe nothing to family. You have the absolute right to cut them off if they are bad for you. NEVER fall for the family arguments.
geekykeycap
You don't need to justify your decision to people with happier backgrounds. They make ignorant assumptions. If correcting them requires discussion about a private personal matter let them disagree. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
Htdgdhfffff
I hate questions about family. I can only say "they weren't good people" and if people ask more saying "my dad abandoned us when I was two and never wanted anything to do with me and my mom was an abusive alcoholic who tried to kill me on multiple times" tends to make things awkward fast
OnyxPrimal
Yeah. Same issue. Dad assaulted my mom. Haven’t spoken to him since. Not sure he’s alive. Technically I could probably reach out for a kidney but I’d rather die than accept anything from him.
HsuDoNihm
"I don't talk to my dad anymore." "Oh well you should reach out he is family aft-" "He's dead."
TussleTheCat
I've used this one before hahaha but I usually let them finish their short rant about how short life is, the fact he is my father, some sad sorry about lost time with their own dad/parents, etc. And once they are done, then I say "yeah you're right, I know... small problem though. The last time I saw him was when I was 17 and found him dead in our house after school. Haven't talked much since, I'm still mad at him for dying." The amount of awkwardness afterwards is incredibly palpable.
HsuDoNihm
It's fun to cut the tension with a joke at those times. My favorite is usually "yeah, his suicide sucked for us, but on the bright side: he had it coming." How they cope with that tells me a lot about them, their childhood, and their relationship with loss and grief. Tends to pre-empt some lame conversations, too.
ThrowingSchadenfreude
*hands you a Ouija board judgily*
HsuDoNihm
"Thanks, but I've pissed on his grave already. We're good."
Jewdakris
Immediately they always tell you that you should somehow forgive and forget. Yeah like I don't feel bad that I don't talk to the people who raised me. You think I don't want to talk to them. They made it this way.
Mandarinduckmama
Yep, agreed. Use your words, not your hands. Some lines are written in stone.
RayneOfSalt
What if I'm using sign language?
VashTehStampede
Prepare to speed read the back of my hand.
RayneOfSalt
You're not Neo, dude.
VashTehStampede
Obviously! I'd be stoked to look like Keanu.
MCNewYorkLives
I remember working retail and we were discussing mother's day gifts. Someone asked this one kid and he said he wasn't getting her anything, resulting in everyone complaining about how he needs to love/respect his mom etc, and he responds "my mom is a drug addict who tried selling me for crack". People got quiet REAL quick
Subsound
I'll also put money on no one that said that shit wanting to talk to the kid afterwards either. There's no apologies, admission of not knowing, acceptance of speaking out of ignorance. People often isolate the one they wrong...which is why people don't speak up till they are harassed and badgered about it.
LumpPump
i feel for people that have those kind of stories stories but i love when they get to use them to get people to shut their mouths (hopefully of their own free will and not by force but often times when you got everyone down your throat its prob gonna feel like a kind of force cause now you have to "defend" your reasons..) cause its so weird that people that never experienced serious abuse will not ask questions and instead jump to abuser's defense unless shut down with a horrible enough story...
SupernaturalReactions
My mother was/is a domineering and explosively angry bipolar, emotionally abusive mess. I don't have stories like OP, but I am an emotional sadist (consensual sexual sadist) and have no shame about my proclivities nor their obvious psychological source.
fireclanninja1337
That's why you mind your business.
newsguycraigevans
More people need to do this
lrateyourrig
It's free too!
Bobbutnotthatbob
New lower back tat idea!
Arcanum3000
Or, if you're not going to mind your business, at least assume the person has a genuine reason and politely enquire about it, if they're comfortable talking about it.
prowlerintheyard
I was estranged from my parents until my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. Shortly after her diagnosis, I began to interact with my parents on a limited basis, almost entirely by phone. The dynamic had shifted quite a bit, and I think the diagnosis changed the both of them as well. After years of estrangement, I saw them not as my parents, but just as people. I recognized their behavior (as parents) as reflections of their own traumas/abuse/lack of self awareness and coping skills.
prowlerintheyard
With the idea in mind that ‘the way people treat you is a greater reflection of themselves, than of you….’ I put the abuse/neglect of my childhood behind me, for the sake of moving forward with the little time my mom had left. So long as she made the effort to be better, I was willing to make an effort to accept her. I only saw my mother a handful of times in the 3 years she lived past her diagnosis, and that was the closest we ever got to having a relationship. Her death left me mourning the
prowlerintheyard
just so happened that forgiving her and moving forward was more liberating than isolating myself ever was. Every circumstance is different, but in my personal experience, I think sometimes it can be more healing to move forward in building a new relationship with people who are trying to change/make amends, than to hold on to hatred and resentment for them. The people who say “life is short” etc are annoying and need to respect the fact that boundaries have been placed with good reason, but
prowlerintheyard
missed opportunity to develop our relationship. Sometimes people do change, but we need to be willing to acknowledge that and recognize someone for what they are putting forward in the present. She wasn’t the same person anymore, and I wish that I had given our relationship an opportunity sooner. There was no chance it would be perfect or anything like the usual mother-daughter bond, but it could have been SOMETHING. Nothing could undo the trauma of my childhood, whether I forgave her or not. It
prowlerintheyard
encourage everyone to dig deep and make sure the decision they’re making is really the best for them. pretty sure these comments posted out of order and nobody wants to read an essay but oh well 👍
trikucian
I read it all and I appreciate you telling your story. My family is waiting for my little sister to grow out of her selfish, self righteous phase and start talking to us again. I really want her to apologize for lying about how I was physically abusive to her when in reality we only got into about five fist fights in total her entire childhood, which she started by being emotionally abusive to me and not letting me leave the situation. But I’ll leave the door open if she ever wants to reconnec
prowlerintheyard
Thanks for reading! Cutting people off can be difficult for both sides. For years I felt as if my parents deserved it, and they did. After a while the estrangement was no longer benefitting my mental health but actually causing me to hold onto a lot of negativity. It took a major event for me to reflect on that, and it might take something equally significant for your sister to choose to reach out. I hope you and your family can achieve some sort of reconciliation or closure
LawFiveGuy
first, serious question: is 'finna' a typo since f is one left of g and i is one left of o, meaning it should have been "gonna" (or does 'finna' mean something and please tell me what it means). Also, I learned a long time ago that sometimes 'family' is just a bunch of people with similar dna
DarknessfillsmyheartwithpainTIMMAY
Just another stupid made up word. I've avoided learning the meaning and will continue to.
[deleted]
[deleted]
[deleted]
[deleted]
ShutUpMeh
hardytardigrade
Avoiding learning isn't a good solution for anything.
DarknessfillsmyheartwithpainTIMMAY
I think I'll cope
hardytardigrade
Or learn to
ShutUpMeh
Finna, gonna, and fixing to all mean the same thing. They represent the regional vernacular
DarknessfillsmyheartwithpainTIMMAY
Stopped reading before you polluted my mind. Nice try
ShutUpMeh
You should be embarrassed to be so proudly and actively ignorant
DarknessfillsmyheartwithpainTIMMAY
So embarrassed. Go listen to some recycled trash rhyming about wet sex organs.
MrTrevorBelmont
Finna means fitting to, in the south (US) people use it to mean “going to”
doesntmatter
It means "fixing to", but you are correct in thay it is a southern US dialect expression.
QuickGoogleSearch
Its made its way to Jersey. Mostly youths.
Mandarinduckmama
Finna is "fixing to." I'm fixing to clean my room. I'm finna clean dis bitch.
LawFiveGuy
thank you. it makes little to no sense, but I appreciate you taking the time to teach me something.
Salticido
That's often the case with dialects that aren't your own.
midrealmknight
Basically the same sort of slang as as “gonna” or “wanna” or “hafta”
GWJYonder
To elaborate a bit while someone said that it means "going to" I feel like the subtext is a little more emotional than a simple statement of fact. Depending on context "I am working up the willpower to" or (paradoxically) "I am looking forward to" are probably more accurate than a simple "I am going to".
spool32
This is the better explanation. "Finna" suggests some effort or expense is required to do the thing you're finna do. If you're going to talk to John about lunch, you just want to know his lunch schedule. If you're finna talk to John about lunch, you're expecting the conversation to take some effort. Maybe John always borrows lunch money and you're tired of it, or maybe you need to ask him to cover you, or maybe John did something at lunch and now y'all need to talk.