Depression sucks

Been really rough and just need to yell into the void.

I have a uncurable degenerative genetic disorder of my peripheral nervous system. It began showing symptoms around 18 with the loss of use of some fingers, then progressed to major fatigue, constant mild pain, and atrophy in left arm. Not enough for me to claim disability according to the government. This cost me my career aspirations (surgeon) and my talent (string musician) and a few years of my life to a drug and alcohol induced self-destructive spiral after I was diagnosed and given the news that everything I had wanted and worked for in life was no longer attainable. I've been struggling with depression ever since

Im now 28 and I have been clean* (still smoke weed for anxiety and to quiet my thoughts) and sober for a few years. My life has been tumultuous, and the past few months have just gotten really bad. After being let go a few months ago from a well paying 2nd job that I had plans on quitting my first one for, I now spend my days job hunting as it is all I have the energy to do when I actually do have energy. When I don't I can't even bring myself to get out of bed. I take hours of tossing and turning just to get 3 or 4 hours of restless sleep. My interests have long lost their enjoyment that I just gave up on participating in them. I once had aspirations to go back to school to finish my degree (I ended up switching to wildlife biology after I came out of my drug episode and did 2 years of community college) but with the US's skyrocketing tuition costs, it is a pipe dream for me.

I make less than $1000 a month and my landlord (who is also a very close friend of mine) has been letting me get by with half rent + utilities so I can afford gas and food. This just makes me feel more a burden to him on top of the regular anxiety and stress that low finances causes.

The ties that bind are becoming frayed and worn. Suicide is becoming a daily persistent thought again along with the fatigue and mind fog. Last time i felt like this, i was an alcoholic who ended up putting a 16-gauge in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Luckily for me the hammer mechanism was busted and rusted in place. The only reason I haven't pulled trigger this time is because I am dog-sitting for another friend who lost their house last year during hurricane season and my promise to them (and the lack of alcohol erasing my inhibitions) this time is helping keep my head clear enough to stay rational but fuck does it drain everything I have.

I have been to a doctor to try and get medicated, but im on Medicaid in the south; my options for treatment that I can afford are heavily limited. Of my limited choices and after calling every doctor's office in the city that accepts medicaid only one had any openings for patients. After talking about my other medical issues I have tried every visit to talk about depression but they just ask if I have suicidal thoughts (which I can't tell them because I do not want to be PEC'ed, as it would cost me my income) and any other symptom I describe they hand waive it by just saying "you're just tired".
I want to see a psychologist or therapist but don't have anyone in network close enough that I can go.

I dont have any family to speak too and cant bring myself to tell my friends because I dont want their pity and sad faces when they realize they can't help. They are all already being such good friends, there isn't anything else they could be doing differently that would make a difference. They already know my mental health isn't all that good and they know I haven't been myself lately, I dont want to worry them more. So here i am telling my problems to you internet stranger for cathartic release.

I just want to feel human again. I hate being drained and numb constantly. I hate knowing there is something wrong with me, and that help is out there, but out of my reach. Fuck I hate pretending that I'm a functioning adult because I am most certainly not functioning, I'm barely even managing. My engines almost out of gas and there isn't a truck stop for miles.

Thanks for sticking around and reading my sob story if you made it this far. Just let this die in usersub and hug your loved ones.