Ehhh...

So this is a kind of screaming into the void post. And will be adding random memes, sometimes related, and sometimes just to lighten things up.

Well as it started, 2016, with a lot of loss and grief. Marriage, two pets, job, home, and other things. My father was the one there to help me out, downside was he had early stages of dementia. Started off ok, I would help him get to medical appointments, and I got a part time job to at least buy groceries for us. Again, it all started ok considering. Then over the next few years he got worse, I took on more things to help him. Until I couldn't anymore, he was eventually hospitalized, went to a memory care center, and passed mid 2021.

This is Tessa, my father and I got her in Feb of 2017 (she is alive and well, this pic is only a week old) My dad had to have his dog, Remington, put to sleep late 2016, so yeah, more suckieness.

I eventually had to get a full time job, even as my father got worse with his dementia, and he also had gradually got to drinking heavily. I did what I could to slow his drinking, but it was all futile. I eventually had to have him hospitalized due moreso because of his dementia. He couldn't find the collar to walk the dog, and it was literally right in front of him. He stayed in the hospital for a while. Eventually got him into a memory care facility. He passed in 2021.

Just to lighten the post, some beans.

During this time I started drinking more, I always had borderline issues with drinking, and if I'm being honest, a few bad decisions while drunk. I had gotten a girlfriend during this time too, two years together. Before she decided I was too introverted. It was kind of a bad breakup, but I understand and I hope she is doing well.

The full time job I had, started great. A former supervisor, who was awesome, got me the job. Had great co-workers, I liked the work, and didn't even mind the commute. Unfortunately the great co-workers moved onto bigger better things, and I'm happy for them. Some of those co-workers were in management, so we got new managers... inexperienced ones, but they were always "right" and we were always wrong.

An example of how inexperienced and incompetent the new management was, when our director told me to contact a client's girlfriend. We worked in a mental health care facility, and we didn't have a release of information for the girlfriend. I didn't call.
Anywho, the environment was becoming toxic, and wasn't dealing with it in a healthy way. Drinking, calling in, no motivation for the job anymore. It became time studies, and having to run reports that they didn't look at.

I would get home and have no energy for anything. I didn't want to feel anything, because I only felt depressed. So I drank. Didn't look for a new job, I didn't engage in any of the art things that had helped in the past. Wouldn't even get stupid oil change for the car. I was angry, hurting, and only wanted to be numb until I could either die or be braindead.

Then we had the big "we need all the PAs cross trained so we have coverage." They set up weekly meetings so we could all learn, seems standard, except there was only one PA who wasn't required at the meetings. This went on for months, until it became top priority that I train in another PA in on my whole job. Everything needed to be taught in one day.

They were going to fire me,
Did I give them reason to want to do it. Yes.
I know my part and take responsibility for it. Did they have a part in me eventually not caring about that place. Also yes.

So, I took all the vacation and sick days I had left, with a BS line for why I was out so much and so consecutively. Got my last check and walked.

Seriously felt like this when I did.

I know this isn't the way you're "supposed" to do it. But a lot of the things we are supposed to do, never worked for me. I wasn't happy, I'm diabetic, the "good job" I had wasn't advancing my life, more than likely I'll have some memory issues in my future, I didn't even have a desire to be around people I did like. I lost friends, not that I did terrible things to them. I just wasn't there.

So that was at the end of March. I've been doing doordash, and I'm doing things for me again. Getting my car fixed up little by little, learning about it and fixing things myself on it. Slowly getting back into my art stuff. I have a lot I still need to do, but I'm letting go of the bottle. Had a good three months without booze, slipped once. But when I drank, it was different, after that bottle, I didn't want to get another. I would do that, and end up blitzed for a week.

Now I want to do the things I was planning before, my own little business, with a YouTube channel (art related)
Hell I even have the motivation to clean, rearrange my home to what I want, and actively maintain it. Dishes and folded put away laundry. When the fuck have I ever been like that :P

Thank you for reading, be good to yourselves and others.

Pupper tax: we were taking a break in a parking lot and she wanted to be up front. Normally she is secured in the back seat. Oh, she comes with me while I doordash, keeps me from raging in any form.

Most viral edit: Thank you all for the support and suggestions, I'll take them to heart. I love this community. :D

Second edit: Some have asked about the YouTube channel, it doesn't have any content yet and I'm not sure when I'll get things on there. But I do have an Instagram
Catdreamstudios