Please Can You Stop Having Sex? Hotel Stories

So I work nights at a hotel, and most of the time you hardly see anyone. But then you get the odd weeks.

Just gone one in the morning and a middle aged woman came downstairs to find me, she had been awakened by a noisy couple in the next room. She was about five foot nothing and wearing a onesie and proceeded to give me an audio representation of the noises she could hear - only later did I realise I should have got my phone out to get a new ring tone. Worse still she started to make the thrusting movements, which given they were in another room she was simply guessing at. Anyway by the time I went up there they must have gone to sleep. My boss later told me he'd heard them going for it at 5 in the afternoon and at 10 when he went past again. Had I had to knock the door I think I would have given the bloke a round of applause and a handshake (maybe not the handshake on second thoughts) for keeping the "average" time up for men.

Almost the next night another woman came to see me about "noises". I had to go into her dark room (her husband and child were asleep in the bed) and listen at the wall. It was clearly someone screwing in the next room and thumping the headboard at the wall and I had to keep a straight face when she asked me in all seriousness "What on earth can it be?"

My boss tells the story when a totally naked 70 year man walked past him, lost and confused. He'd done the thing some of our guests do, got up for the loo and walked out the main door to the room and not opened the bathroom door. The main door slammed shut and he's naked in the corridor. For some reason he decides to come downstairs. Boss gets him a towel, takes him upstairs, knocks on door. His 80 year old wife answers. Naked floppy tits down to her waist.

Working late you can get propositioned. A much older woman relentlessly told me her room number whilst I feigned ignorance, but sometimes you have to help a guest up to their room if they've had too much. One was a woman a bit younger than me that had polished off the best part of a bottle of white wine. Carrying her wine and the rest of the bottle I guided her upstairs, opened her door and she turned to say "You're gorgeous". I politely handed her the bottle and glass, so she had both hands full, and like a good News of the World reporter in a shady establishment, made my excuses and left.

I'm working on a few wedding stories to post if you like these.

And more at:

https://imgur.com/gallery/p56uJ

https://imgur.com/gallery/PN3vh