Being a Stay at Home Dad

Stay At Home Dad Job Stuff

This first one used to get to me. There is always a hint of condescension in people's voices when they say it. Even though being a dad at home has been a thing for decades, it still isn't as socially accepted by a lot of folks (age isn't a factor) as it should be.

Aside from the fact that I work two more jobs part time in addition to being a stay at home dad, I don't get to just set around a watch TV all day. There is everything that goes with being a home maker as well: cleaning, laundry, dishes, errands (lots of freaking errands), and of course taking care of the kid. If I did get to set down and watch TV, it would be something my kid wants to watch.

Long story short, I was laid off about 4 months before my daughter was born. I was an insurance agent for a bank that decided it didn't want to do insurance any more. It didn't catch us off guard, but still was an inopportune time for us.

Because of how FMLA works and unemployment, it didn't make sense for me to get a new job at the time, so I waited. (Don't get me wrong, I looked for work, and did my due diligence for the unemployment system, but the end of the day I didn't get a paid job that replaced my previous income.) Before I knew it my wife's 3 month FMLA leave were up and I had keys to a used minivan.

As much as I said it kind of just happened, my wife and I did do some math. By the time we calculated all the costs like wardrobe, lunches, commuting, and daycare costs we found that me staying home was cheaper.

For those who don't know, the average cost for infant and toddler care in middle America is around $250 a week on the low side. That is professional care. You might save money with a babysitter who isn't state certified, but then you are dealing with someone you may not know or with someone who may get sick and leave you stuck without care.

Beyond that, most daycare programs are setup for 8-5, M-F job schedules and not all jobs are like that anymore. Even if I found one like that, it paid really well, and I loved it there would be a disconnect in raising the kid.

Yeah, sure I'd like to dive something shiny and pants dropping fast, but to be honest, the minivan grew on me. I used to drive an old pickup and liked that I could carry stuff in the bed. I can still haul 4x8 plywood and 2x4s around on the roof of the minivan. I never could do that for the brief time (2 years while I was still single) I owned a sports car. Plus, putting kids in and out of a low roofed car is a pain in the neck (literally).

Oh, and have you seen the doo-hickies they put in the vans these days? Shit, it's like flying a space shuttle!

This is honestly true, but it's not the reason I'm home. More than that, I love my family and right now this is what works so I do my part.

I'll admit some days are easier than others. My wife has come home to me handing her the 'reigns' and me walking out the door to get a beer. But, the couple of times when the kid has gone to grandma and grandpa's house I've missed having her around.

I'm a stay at home dad. That is more than 40 hours a week. Just because mom is home doesn't mean I'm off the clock (above example not withstanding). Usually, she needs her personal time to recharge and go bring home bacon.

But, I also work for my church as a Worship Director (another job album there) and I'm a musician (yet another job album to come). All in all I'm constantly working trying to bring in an extra buck here and there.

(At one point, I also built furniture out of my basement, but I almost lost a finger one too many times and I sold most of my big tools off.)

I've been on two long family vacations since I started staying at home and both wore me out more than just being home. Imagine if you went on vacation but had to bring your work with you and accomplish the same level of productivity only now you are in a setting where all of your work and livelihood could suddenly fall into the Grand Canyon. Now that is stressful!

In the hospital, I changed the first diaper. It was like an oil slick combined with week old Indian food and, well, shit. My wife had us do cloth diapers which are disgusting to wash no matter how you do it.

Now, three and a half years later I've done potty training to death and there are still the occasional accidents which require me to literally touch human feces. I could use gloves, but the weird thing is you don't think that way until after you've scrubbed your daughter's bedroom floor for the billionth time. You just clean and wash your hands over and over and over.

These pop up every quarter or so. It's always about how much a woman should get paid. It never even theorizes that men may be doing these jobs too.

Beyond that, it's all bullshit because if you didn't stay home you would still have someone looking after your kid, you would still do laundry, run errands, make dinner, etc. Just because you are doing that instead of going to work doesn't necessarily mean that your spouse or the government owes you money.

I wanted to mention this for a few reasons. First, having the other jobs makes me need to get some time to actually do them. My kid is up to three days a week from 9:00 to 3:00 (basically school hours) at a PDO program. It's cheaper than full daycare and she gets to interact with other kids which is good for her. But then I have to go to work (or sometimes come home and try to clean while she isn't around). It's a small amount of time when I consider travel to and from, but it's that window of time that I work at much church job (that and Sunday morning).

A secondary thing about this is the community I get with other moms and a few dads. Waiting in line at drop off and you get to know people (though most I know as so-and-so's mom). At first this was a little weird, but it doesn't take long for you to get comfortable with these people when you all share the same burdens. It's nice to know that the struggles I face in raising my kid are common.

(It's also probably very wrong and sexist to say that most of the moms are very pretty and wear yoga pants because their going to the gym for the day. I do my best not to stare, but... um... yeah... And I'm not the only dad there that thinks so.)

This is an actual comment from someone who I was talking about this with. Caught me off guard since I thought well of the person before this. I'm no longer friends with them.

Truth is, our marriage is hard. But, all marriages are hard. If they aren't you are probably missing something. My wife would much rather be the one home as she misses our girl. I'd love to be able to bring more money in than I do. But, we both respect our roles where they are. Even more now that we have a second child on the way (yeah, my life is really going to change).

The key (and I don't want to sound like I'm some sort of guru, 'cause I'm not) is to talk about everything no matter what it is. Get it out, realize that you two aren't going to agree on everything, and in the end keep loving, kissing, and hugging each other. The physical intimacy can't stop or the relationship will start to suffer.