Time for a change

I realise I've used blue is bad here but the bad times are coming first before the good, assuming there will be good. I've done this once before and relapsed but I'm done with drinking. Unfortunately I can't quit yet, I have to 'wind down first'.

I don't know if any of you need to hear this so I thought I'd try to document it as it happens so if you want to try to do this too you'll have some idea what to expect. I live in the UK so the approach your country takes will likely differ to some degree but many organisations have similar techniques. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'm drinking right now and it is feeling good but tomorrow the puking will start then the anxiety. I'm not talking the panic attacks some people talk about like it's a fashion accessory, I'm talking about the ones where you can't breathe, your fingers and toes go numb, you have severe chest pains, blurred vision and a total sense of dread. You are convinced you're about to die. This is why I drink, I can kill that sensation with alcohol. With that in mind you can probably understand why I'm scared of the decision I've made. I'm doing my best to be honest here so my alcohol consumption is somewhere around 5 litres of spirits per week and has been for the past few months, aside from 18 months sobriety I've been drinking for over 20 years. It affects my life to a point where I struggle to get out of bed, worse if I have to leave my room and worse still if I have to leave the house. I'm in my 40s now and the last time I got sober my mum helped a lot, I haven't told her yet that I'm having trouble because I don't want her to worry but I know I will have to eventually, I'm just hoping I can take care of the worst of it first.

Tomorrow I have to go for a blood test to see what damage I've done to myself. I don't know if I've damaged myself beyond repair so tomorrow will be a challenging day.

If you're going through this too stay strong, you're not alone. Addiction doesn't discriminate, whether you're young, old, smart or as stupid as I am it'll take you.

For you non-addicts, you are our bedrock. Don't try to change an addict that isn't looking to change, they may become angry with you however good your intentions may be. You can let them know you're concerned and should they want to talk you're there for them if you're comfortable with that.

If people are interested in this post I'll update tomorrow with what happens.

I live in Yorkshire and the East Riding Partnership has this number to call for help with addiction 01482 336675. But wherever you are you can talk to your doctor for help finding support services.

TL:DR I'm an addict seeking help.