Raising a glass to my fellow Februarians, with some me-mays

And so it came to pass that I survived my 42nd rotation around that ball of fire in the sky.

I've always felt a kinship with other people who were born in February - I once read an article that disproportionally fewer people are born this month. Whether or not it's true, I don't really know, but I'd like to think it is.

In lieu of actual presents, here are some memes that I identify with, interspersed with reminiscing that may or may not relate to the memes (and that you're welcome to skip).

Adding these between turns of Civ VI, so don't count on too much consistency.

Also, I keep getting the message:
????????? ???? ????? ???? ??????_?????_???????????_????. ?????? ??? ?????
The images + descriptions show up on my screen. I'll let the Internet Gods decide if they show up on yours.

So, in the last few years I ended a 20-year relationship. Yes, it was my choice to end it, but it doesn't mean I'm not still hurt and frustrated by the events that led to me making that decision.

I really liked something Amy Poehler said in her book ???, ?????? - that just because her marriage of 10 years had ended, doesn't mean it was a failure. And I completely agree with that sentiment.

In the 2+ years since separating from my husband, I've also managed to get my heart broken by someone else. Zero stars. Do not recommend.

Despite years of trying to tell my partner that I am not feeling supported in a way that I need to be, things didn't really change much. At some point something clicked in my head andsomething just changed for me - *then* he noticed. He literally told me "I noticed something was wrong when I wasn't the centre of your attention anymore".

Not so much the fact that I was crying myself to sleep, or only sleeping 3 hours a day. Or all the times that I literally told him I can't continue with the way we are doing things. (I should point out, in his defense, that he is somewhere on the Autism spectrum, although never got an official diagnosis.) I'm not blaming him - it is just that there was a mismatch between what I needed and what he felt comfortable giving.

I have trouble discerning a difference in fashion, music, etc in anything after the 90's.

Ah, yes. I had severe insomnia as my marriage was going through a particularly rough patch. Coupled with perimenopause - I was starting to wonder if I had suffered brain damage from how little sleep I've been getting. It's getting somewhat better, but I am definitely not quite as sharp as I was 5 years ago.

I've always felt depressed as an adult - I've learned the term is "high functioning depression" of "persistent depressive disorder". Where you're managing "just fine" as far as everyone else is concerned, although you feel like you're hanging on by a thread.

I've learned a lot about myself the last few years - especially recognising that I tend to put others above myself. I had to really think about where I want to be 10 years from now. And as much as I would like a life partner, I have to plan for the eventually of being alone.

One of the things I want to (continue to) change is my weight. I have always had trouble with my weight and end to gain very easily and during a severely depressive episode a few years back, I gained ... let's just say "a lot". I've managed to lose 20kg, but I'm still not at the place where I can look in the mirror and recognise myself.

So, add to the weight issue the fact that I'm not traditionally good looking - well, not that I'm untraditionally good looking either. Not that dogs howl when I go past them, I'm just ... normal. Average. A solid 5. (Not being degrading - it's just something about myself that it took me some time to make peace with. And I'm glad I did.)

There is a certain freedom that comes with realising you really don't give a shit about other people's expectations anymore.

So, I have this 4-year plan, involving getting a higher-paying job, getting thinner (and healthier, that's a huge bonus, although I'm suspiciously healthy and fit for someone with my weight), finishing a book I'm writing (there are so many mediocre writers getting published - I can be one of them!) Wouldn't hurt if I met someone in that time - I would hate to go through life without sharing it. But at this age I think we have more specific boxes that need ticking, as we realise the dealbreakers with each relationship that we leave behind us. Which makes finding that rare someone a bit more tricky.

I've been living in Europe the last 20 years or so. Not going to lie - the winters are tough. The current winter has been in the news as being one of the darkest (because of constant cloud cover). I miss feeling the sun on my skin.

Yup. Still valid, though.

Getting to that point where I'm wondering if I should continue or just delete the entire post. It was supposed to be something uplifting, but inbetween the constant warnings that ????????? ???? ????? ???? ??????_?????_???????????_????. ?????? ??? ?????
and the fact that reminiscing for some reason is a bit of a downer. ... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oh well.

If you've scrolled this far, here is your reward:

(Someone once posted this looking for the source. I don't know if they ever found it, but it always makes me feel better.)