History time, bitches!

This motherfucker right here?

His name is Otto Eduard Leopold, Prince of Bismarck, Duke of Lauenburg. Aka, Otto von Bismarck. AK motherfucking A the hardest son of a bitch that ever historied. Yeah I made that word up.

Look how suave this lady killer is. Look.

He's most widely known for unionizing the German states into the country we know today. Except that punk-ass Austria. Fuck them, he didn't want them anyways.

And you know how?

War. Well sometimes. This clever motherfucker used his massive Iron Balls to negotiate Prussia and the rest of the German states into major league European politics. He destroyed Austria in the 7 Weeks War. Guess why it was named that? Oh, and before that he was shot 5 times at close range, surviving only because of the aforementioned balls. After he was through teaching Austria the true meaning of blitzkrieg, he went about speed-fucking France.

The Speed Fuck heard round the World

Bismarck wasn't done with warring just yet. He turned his sights on France. He anonymously published an edited version of a dispatch between the king of the German Confederacy and the French ambassador, making it seem as though both parties were insulting the other which led to, what else? War. The whole Confederacy took up arms against France who declared war on the Confederacy in July of 1870. France promptly got its Eiffel Tower-having, cheese-eating ass shut down, losing the war in less than a year. Don't fuck with Bismarcky-Mark.

A tactical genius

Ever heard of it? Realpolitik is a diplomacy strategy in which a state or party intimidates other parties in order to achieve their aims. Bismarck is the single-most effective diplomat to use this tactic. Ever. After becoming Chancellor of Germany, Bismarck used Realpolitik to create an era of relative peace in Europe, arguing against Germany becoming involved in another war, especially one fought on two fronts. Bismarck maintained that Germany would prosper as a nation if and only if it did not get involved in further European wars. Which worked until some upstart twat named Wilhelm II decided to fuck things up for everyone and start World War I. Dick.

And a big softy

Along with being a mastermind worthy of film, Bismarck had a soft side. He is known as developing and implementing the first modern social programs for citizens. He created many laws in order to protect workers' rights like the Sickness Insurance Law of 1883, making it easier for workers to get treatment for illnesses. He also instated accident insurance laws and a goddamn old age pension, one of the first of its kind in Europe. He weren't no soft-ass bitch for nothin' though. His social programs were implemented in order to sustain his popularity with the German people in the years to come and to bolster the German economy. Shutting the Socialist Party down was a nice plus too.

All good things come to an end.

Unfortunately, like Kool-Aid Jammers and push pops, all good things come to an end. After an extremely long career of A) Uniting Germany, B) Making Germany relevant in European politics C) Kicking imperial ass, and D) Maintaining the German state, This fucking asshole pictured here decided to kick Bismarck out. Wilhelm II (with his weird-ass mustache, I mean seriously, look at that fucking thing. He looks like Wario or some shit) ascended to the throne only after Friedrich III died after 99 days at the reins. He promptly decided to ignore everything Bismarck said about maintaining neutrality, especially on a potential two-front basis, and began rocking the great European political boat. See, Wilhelm didn't feel like waiting around for Germany to grow into the most powerful country in Europe; he wanted it right then and there. This stupid bastard was a tactless ass clown of an emperor who led Germany into a swan dive straight for WWI. Which, by the way, was THE two-front war that Bismarck warned against over and over.

World War I

Unfortunately for Wilhelm the Jackass, and the rest of Germany, Wilhelm's decision to back up Austria-Hungary lead to the single largest war in human history up to that point. Bismarck said it best himself after he stepped down as Chancellor, "...the crash will come twenty years after my departure if things go on like this" You know what's funny? Wilhelm's bitch-ass abdicated 20 years after Bismarck made this prediction, right after his dipshit decisions caused him to lose the respect of his own military leaders. Chancellors always get the last laugh, son.

TL;DR?

Bismarck is probably the single most important man in forming the modern German state. His mastery in European politics set Germany on the path to becoming one of the most important nations in Europe in the 20th century. He was one of the coolest figures in history, imo and certainly somebody to learn about. If you don't like it, that's cool brotherman or sisterlady, just pass on through on your way down the glory that is User Sub. If anyone is interested in something similar to this, let me know. Pinballllllooo out.