persephonesmuse
67624
1103
25
Apr 24, 2023 12:51 PM
persephonesmuse
67624
1103
25
OctopusSummoner
I gathered all my plastic spiders and threw them on the map as my players searched a warehouse. HUNDREDS of spiders from small to gargantuan, and some represented spider swarms of tiny/fine sizes. I occasionally chucked some at the players too. It was glorious.
Flumpypumpy
I had a dream where I came up with the unit of power "Fuck force: horse" ... and woke myself up laughing.
Arcanum3000
"Size category: fuck"? I remember that Oglaf.
TheAziz
Our party is about to face one. One of the players has arachnophobia. That's gonna be interesting.
Legomaniac91
I didn't say: "how big is the room?" I said: "I cast Fireball!!"
HoneyBadgersAreBadAsses
how many in washing machines?
Erulogos
So a queen taratect (the tiny spider in front of it is roughly the size of a dire wolf):
HypersonicHero
GM came up with a ridiculously OP magic item not realizing it and the party pointed it out and bargained him to something that wouldn't break his world. We all had a good laugh. I dubbed the magic item: The Dungeon Master's Remorse
chaosundivided
so are we thinking Ungoliant?
tiberiuswhythecrapcantweuseunderscoresxxvii
Dread Emperor Tenebrous?
Pheehelm
ProudAussie
Game set in Australia.
BikeKnight
Understood. The spider is sized to fuck. Time to take one for the team.
SubsyServy
Like bigger than Terokkarantula?
azzabat
Spiders only come in varying shades of HUGE!
RobKay
DiracsDelta
I’m picturing a tarasque running from the giant robot spider in Wild Wild West….
elcee50
frischcode
It's bigger than a gazebo but smaller than Balmoral Castle. I did not stop running to get more precise measurements.
Lazarillo
But did you attack the gazebo?
frischcode
Again. The spider is bigger than the gazebo. I sheltered there before legging it. It's a big ass spider. Take off. Nuke the site from orbit.
kraquepype
That should maybe be rephrased before the bard gets any ideas
Ryanator50
*Warlock
levelfivedetentionblockaa23
Sneeje
What does a twerking spider have to do with anything?
probablyshouldbedoingwork
What it feels like every time I see a teensy tiny spider just chillin' in the corner of my room. He couldn't conceive of the panic that runs through me as he lives his tiny life.
wobbu
he vibing
Varenvel
Name is Jeff.
quietwalker
Well, it's a T-Rex. In fact, you think you can ID it as the same t-rex that you killed before - the one that ate one of your party members. Except now it looks undead. Yeah, 100% got the zombie plus black misty shadow thing around it. Wait, no, it looks like the black mist coming from it's guts are some sort of wraith, but about half-height. maybe 3 dozen. They look hasted. Uh, it's ... huge size, 20' reach. Roll for init.
chaosundivided
did somebody say undead T-Rex?
ThisismyconfessionTherearemanylikeitButthisoneismine
Dangit Dresden! Again?!
barstr7
Always loved how DND and fantasy in general can come up with weird imaginary deadly creatures but still love the Giant Ass Spider. No extra limbs, weapons or powers. A hecking big spider is scary enough.
Ryanator50
What, you never included an undead drow riding a fire spider and shooting poison arrows?
eppykaze
Where on a scale of "well shit" and "the plain is doomed" does the size category of "fuck" fall?
GoodKingFuzzwumps
Fuck is it's big enough to be deadly but not small enough to be scared by you.
InfocalypseRising
Just north of “shit yourself in terror”
SithElephant
Bard: 'When you say fuck...'
Ryanator50
No, it's the Warlock who's gonna fuck the spider.
SithElephant
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/45279/the-knightly-elven-spider-gl-litrpg
Ryanator50
I ain't clickin that
SithElephant
Fair enough. It's a heartwarming tale about an orphan elf who grew up to be a knight, and then unexpectedly turned into a fuzzy spider.
SithElephant
As you do.
Sechran
If general conversation, whatever. If in the context of the actual game...? Give me a real size category. "Big fucking spider" in spider terms can still be Fine category, but in D&D terms can go all the way up to Colossal if you managed to unleash a Devastation Spider. Do I need a newspaper, a greatsword, or to call Godzilla to handle this?
Athanar
Please don't call Godzilla. I've had to fight him once before already...
Geo80
Sorry, I saw a spider.
DiedAndHauntingImgur
I play a barbarian, I’m confused… the answer to all questions is Greatsword
WorkerLurker
Unleash the Turrasque and make them fight.
BoogiesOogie
I cast, Detect Spider
HandoB4Javert
barbarian818
You're gonna need Gojira armed with a Gojira sized flame thrower because it's a momma spider carrying 8D20 car sized spider babies.
Ceistebi
"so like, is Fuck Sized small enough that I can use my Shield Master feat or...."
BoogiesOogie
Or… or or does “fuck sized” mean you can fuck it?
warriorofdiscord
Recently had a moment where my DM described a tree as "really big." We thought to burn it down. Turns out he meant as large as a house...
ZackWester
a house in height (not a lot) or in weight at the base (that can be a lot).
warriorofdiscord
like in radius.
dexteroexplosion
I'd be pretty sure "size category: fuck" is at least the smallest dimensions for the largest size category.
ijdod
Yes.
ILiekToCookAndBake
Nah you're gonna need an asteroid.
CycloneSP
9th level spell it is! I cast meteor swarm! "uhm, dude, it's just a regular CR 0 spider" me: "did. I. stutter?
myr14d
So an epic level spellcaster then.
HedonistBeard
To save time this is my go to method against all spiders.
bril350
So its a standard sizes spider then?
ILiekToCookAndBake
A young frost spider, for size reference.
Crowlands
DM got the Epic Handbook, it's Macro Titanic, between 24 and 48 miles wide, and has -16,384 to hit due to size penalties. It gets +60 on grapple checks though! It's weight is measured in Teratons.
modus0
"Macro Titanic" Dude, that's Immortal's Handbook, a 3rd-party supplement designed to make Epic-level play EPIC.
Crowlands
Immortal's handbook! That's the one, yeah. Thank you, I'd forgotten the exact name.
Kiloran1
Gojira is always the answer.
Boxingjedi
DaisyWarrior
But gojira is whale, why laser lizard?
DunnowForgot
Gojira is not whale (although the band Gojira has a track called Flying Whales). Gojira is the original name for Godzilla. It's also the name of an asteroid (101781 Gojira). A dinosaur got named after it too, the Gojirasaurus. You're probably thinking of Kujira (鯨).
DaisyWarrior
No It can't be I don't speak japanese
Syovere
Kujira is whale.
Rivenhelper
Yes! The original name is actually a portmanteau of the Japanese words for whale and gorilla.
DaisyWarrior
Golira
RealScienceMan
I'm still mad they got rid of colossal as a size category in fifth edition
UmAcshually
I'm even more disappointed they got rid of fine and diminutive categories. A cat and a cockroach are in the same size category. That ain't right.
Sechran
ALL PLAYERS ARE MEDIUM SIZED - ESPECIALLY THE CENTAURS.
randomwalrus
The 3rd party Cthulhu Mythos for 5E book has races of tiny&large size, and mechanics for them. Just sad that one needs 3rd party for it.
Me020778
For me, PC centaurs are half humanoid, half Little Sebastion.
PocketCleric
"A medium sizex creature [centaur] can ride a lage sized creature [horse]"
ElChupaNuggra
They are doing everything they can to minimize the amount of programming and detail they have to put into Stat Blocks for One D&D, plain and simple, look at how they raped the Druid's Wild Shape ability. This is not 'poorly thought out' decisions, this is 100% Calculated Laziness and minimization of cost going forwards, that in the end are still very likely 'poorly thought out decisions'. :(
TheLordOfGiraffes
Ah, yes, because they clearly thought about the programming when building a game that was almost entirely played in person at the time, on paper. 5th edition was designed to be accessible, with minimal rules bloat and a bigger focus on role play. Whether that’s good is a debate. Also, it’s clear the one D&D Druid was really bad, but I would believe it’s a suggestion they’ve gotten before and it does solve the problem of having to scan like 40 stat blocks every time you want to wild shape.
TheLordOfGiraffes
I think wizards is honestly doing a very bad job, especially in the last couple years. But removing a few size categories that were edge cases that didn’t realistically have that much of an effect, back in 2015 was not “cost savings/laziness.” if you have to give everything a size, writing “tiny” vs. “diminutive” is not really a dramatic change.
Rogahar
Basically everything WOTC does with DnD can be boiled down to 'how can we do the least work possible and still get paid?'. Just look at their official Adventure Paths - they're almost all just skeletons with a rough setting, a villain and the name of the plot maguffin/s and the rest is up to you. Meanwhile other systems (i.e. Pathfinder) give you a fully fleshed out adventure with characters, locations, maps, monsters, encounters, etc and let you either run them as-is or make changes as desired.
Rogahar
And sure, some DMs prefer/love to have the freedom to basically build their own adventure off the back of a basic skeleton, but surely it makes more sense to give people a lot and let them trim or change what they don't want/want to change than to give them basically nothing and leave it up to them to do the other 90% of the work - especially if they're paying you for the privilege to begin with.