ArcaneDryad
85579
2269
68
Yelling over small things didn't teach me perfectionism, it taught me conflict avoidance and lying.
Grounding me for getting only 9/10 of something right didn't teach me to follow through, it taught me that all good that I do is worthless unless everything is correct.
And keeping me dieting for 10+ years only made me run out to buy and eat snacks whenever I could, because I never knew which time would be my last.
ItsaMeMalario
what do you do @op? just curious
RobBobertyYT
Teaching a kid they have to be perfect is the best way to teach them how to lie.
CaptainHyperbole
This! I relate to this 100% it’s something my parents are oblivious to though.
CommanderShitFace
Living in an abusive home and the only food was locked away for my mom and her boyfriend taught me things. Like how to steal stuff real good
kirsty419
I had this mother, I haven't seen her for about 30 years. She might be dead, have no fucks to give. I'm happy.
ngtmfdsht
Dit que le mieux est l'ennemi du bien. Perfect is the enemy of good. Voltaire.
deadandbloated
Oh, hi, me
TheNewYellowZealot
My mom felt that keeping almost no prepared food or snacks in the house would keep my weight down. All it did was teach me to hide snacks >
TheNewYellowZealot
And order pizza when I was home, since she didn’t get home until 8 in the evening and didn’t like it when I used the oven or stove.
Catitapillar
Sounds like an emotionally immature parent, they try to control bc they can't manage themselves and you get to be the scapegoat for their1/2
Catitapillar
inadequacies. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy.
KevlarKobra
Your mom isn't perfect. she did the best she was able. You gotta do the best you are able.
VanZaiden
My mom would ask why I was always so quiet. Guess what happened when I told her it was because...
VanZaiden
...when I said something, it would always turn into a rant or a lecture... Parents teach you the weirdest lessons by weird means.
CrimsonReaper1985
As the son of an overbearing, perfectionist mother I feel the pain. I'm now expected to payback all she ever did for me.
Tassyr
Holy crap. I didn't know I had a sibling.
homoneurotic
Same
walutschi
There are dozens of us.
Dappin
My 5th grade teacher had to have a chat with my parents after I cried for getting 97% on a quiz. I got a dollar when I brought home a 100%.
ChelsTehHazelnut
My mother would ground me for a week if I didn't attend 4 hours of church every sunday, but only if she went without me.
ChelsTehHazelnut
If she decided she didn't feel well enough to go (as a stay at home mom who did almost nothing and never worked) it was so nice
neverpostsoriginalcontent
@OP last one sounds a lot like children in foster care, who usually have extreme food insecurity. I hope you're finding health.
ArcaneDryad
Yup, literally finally lost that weight as soon as I moved out and started eating when hungry, and not at “meal time”. Whilst eating junk..
ArcaneDryad
Not to say that junk was all I ate, just in spite of it progress was still almost immediate and noticeable.
Ishtar41
I came from this exact environment...its hard being excellent when nobody acknowledges your achievements. Take comfort that
Ishtar41
You create the relationships around you, and those that a surround you see and accept you. Family is not everything
subkava
I bet she doesn’t realize a lot of things. You’re responsible for your own happiness. I hope you find peace.
LiquidSodium
Cheers ill drink my sippy juice to that
RenaissanceFaireMan
"Why do you get upset when I try to help?" - my mom.
Thunderbum
Mine never bothered explaining ANYTHING to me, on top of this. Line why they didn't want me to touch something. Just "Don't do that." BUTWHY
hadtodownvote1
"Because I said so!"
shadowbehindthebread
God, I hate that answer so damn much!!!
ArcaneDryad
Yaaaaas, that, holy shit. Either “because that’s how it’s done” or “because I said so”
ILovedUnicornsFirst
Most of our fights were because I didn’t understand she had some pretty serious untreated depression. I feel really bad now.
cre8majic
You shouldn't feel bad,-she was the adult and should have taken better care of her own health.
teardropivyyearofthetiger
I’ve done 3 years of therapy and my mother is a miserable person. I get other people to visit her so I feel like I’m not taking crazy pills
Strostkovy
Strict parents breed good liars
cre8majic
Grandma never got ever her 'preacher's daughter' roommate that stole from her
SandwichRGood
Do I need to call a bondulance?
cre8majic
Naw, she was suffering from
cre8majic
moral outrage more than anything else. Leave home, get your mind opened, I guess was her lesson
ratilda
I have a daughter like you. And I do the same mistakes your mom was doing. Can we talk, OP?
ArcaneDryad
Sure thing, dm me please
dangermess
Janet Lansbury, respectful parenting. I listen to her Unruffled podcast. https://www.janetlansbury.com/
dangermess
My kid's only two, but remembering to respect him as an individual helps keep me from treating him like a thing to fix. Or like my Mom did.
DamascusFire
Sounds like your mother was trying to live through you. A disgusting parental trait that's more common than it should be.
zimirken
And here I am living through my kid by buying them the name brand mac and cheese.
fknbastard
So is masturbation “trying to die through my kids”? Asking for a friend
OhNoDontTouch
No, your sperm aren't children.
fknbastard
I guess I should stop feed them…it
UsernamesAreStupidAnyways
DukeDarkwood
"Perfect" by Alanis Morissette expertly boils this way of thinking down. Especally this part: "I'll live through you; I'll make you what I
Karukos
Numb by Linkin Park was also about that. Or rather how that is a thing that probably is an endless cycle of that shit
ArcaneDryad
Tried playing it her way back then. Listened as just another song, not realizing that to a teen such a song says things I was unable to (1)
ArcaneDryad
clearly articulate at the time...
Karukos
Yeah it took me 10 years why this song resonated so much with me. But also what touched me changed from back then too
DukeDarkwood
never was! You're the best, and maybe so am I, compared to him, compared to her. I'm doing this for your OWN damn good; you'll make up for
DukeDarkwood
what I blew. What's the PROBLEM? WHY ARE YOU CRYING!?"
DamascusFire
Raising kids has gotta be all about testing their own curiousity, what they might find interesting and such. Experimenting so they learn
SerenePrincess013
Unfortunately, the multigenerational abuse system still thinks "if it worked for me, it'll work for you". Hence why you've still got>
saysomethingcool
Sounds like you both need some therapy
ImurevJourhein
Abusers can never change for the better. Your best options are revenge or cutting them out.
CommonGroundFarms0450
Definitely.
VaultGirl69
A doctor told my mom she needed therapy because of her blood pressure. Then cultural and generational stigma, yeah she didn't go..... ?
imaginaryPeppers
Tom Cardy said it best https://youtube.com/shorts/-H0u7OKhBwk?feature=share
MyCatIsMissingAnEar
And please be reminded, that's not at all a bad thing!! Therapy is there for a reason! Don't be afraid to ask for help!
jrntn
I don't think anyone on Earth doesn't need therapy and I think going to therapy should be as normal as going to the doctor
awesomeo2022
Honestly therapy will lead to what every one of these posts outcome: move out/away from mother as she is toxic and they live a better life
somethingawesomeandgreat
Or fix the relationship
thiswillonlyhurtabit
My ex used to yell and scream over the smallest things, then wondered why I would not bring up stuff that bothered me or would lie.
Arearda
Been there. I get it.
etherbunny41
How many of us dated the same person? >.>
Eyekatt
Yelling at others is just stupid. Means that you've lost the argument if you think telling your side louder makes it right.
alittletrixter
I’m so afraid of being like this so I try to apologize and calm down when I can and really communicate to see if he’s ok
Chaoslost
The very relationship I have with my mother.
NotaCPA
been there....WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO ME. b/c anything I say to you that you don't agree with leads to you yelling at me for what I consider 2
NotaCPA
nothing of consequence.
Findrek
Same, she claimed that since I wouldn't scream insults at her over minor things it was proof I didn't care about her. Hard to deal with.
Iamthebuttofmybestjokes
She doesn’t need a significant other then
mackashi
So it's not just me then? So many of my ex's did this I thought it was the effect I had...
IWouldDoThings
Still not okay to lie to someone you're in a relationship with because you don't want to be yelled at. And lying gets double yelling.
tr26
Well that's a shit take.
madman81
Sorry but it's the other way around. Shouldn't be ok to yell! If it results in double yelling, you need to get the hell outta dodge!
ZachariasWolfe
Uh no. Lying is perfectly acceptable to avoid abuse. Just means that the relationship really needs to end.
IWouldDoThings
You have no excuse not to tell the truth. Yelling may not be right, but it's not an excuse to then do another wrong thing.
IWouldDoThings
Of course it is. But being yelled at for hiding things and lying isn't abuse.
Spikette
Welcome to the future. Yelling is abuse now. Yeah I think it’s fucking stupid and demeans actual abuse.
IWouldDoThings
Shit, from that perspective, being lied to and having them hide stuff is abuse too. That leads a person to be crazy - that leads to yelling.
DildoDiscoAbortion
I was having a hard time adjusting to a new school when I was 8. I’d come home every day and my dad would ask how my day was. I would say…
DildoDiscoAbortion
…”terrible” pretty much every day. One day he got so annoyed at me struggling at school and saying I had a terrible day that he screamed…
DildoDiscoAbortion
…at me and told me I was grounded until I had a good day at school. Guess what? The next day I had a “good” day and never told the…
DildoDiscoAbortion
… truth to him about my feelings ever again.
toxcrusadr
Wow. Sorry that happened.
toxcrusadr
Your best revenge is to be compassionate with others!