Srajo101
116438
4026
77
Jul 5, 2021 2:02 PM
Srajo101
116438
4026
77
BloomAndGrowIris
I come up with weird portmanteaus in Japanese, then slowly hover closer to her like the Walking Dad meme while she refuses to acknowledge me
mrvonginge
I have a pair of orthotic insoles for my work boots and always refer to them as, “MA MA-GIC SHOES” in the worst Forrest Gump yelling voice.
Superbobbit
My fiance likes to scream "HE WAS RUNNING" whenever she sees someone running. Ruins a lot of serious films...
Listeningtokpop
Husband is 2 days older than I am. Lots of “when you’re my age you’ll understand.” Or “god I can’t imagine what I’ll be like at your age”
Listeningtokpop
He asks me “hey can you turn on the light” I’ll walk over to the switch- “eyy bb. You want sum fuk?”
CargoManshark
I used to do the same thing as the "I used to dance" guy but it was my nickname in college. I also never went to college.
this15weird
That’s what my husband does :)
MassiveMaoMao
Anytime someone makes a dumb pun on TV I repeat it over and over gradually increasing in volume while asking “BABE, DIDJA GET IT?”
jamesedwardsheridan
I read this whole thing.
JahNoodles
It makes me happy to know that, you can find someone who will deal with your bullshit and not murder you
AxeD9000
Happy wife = happy life vs slightly irritated wife = amused life.
vladimirtheliberator
My wife hates Wendy's. Everytime she's hungry, I'll always say "Wendy's it is!". Gets her everytime
TheCriticsWereConciseItOnlyTookFourLines
Why would someone hate Wendy's? Ok, maybe the burgers are kind of bland, but not enough to warrant actual hate?
TeflonTrout
When I've found the thing I'm looking for: "Why is it ALWAYS in the last place I look!?" Funny every time
Draenic
My wife will randomly decide to respond to a serious question with "Your mama". Drives me nuts.
Lachwen
Any time my husband asks me where something is, I say "Up your butt."
Draenic
I should add: she does NOT answer said question.
DarthVaderDidNothingWrong
My wife loves my dialects. As in hates. They're bad, I totally suck at dialects. Love to do them around her.
FlipTheBirdBeforeTheBirdFlipsYou
Dialect his balls!
PressMyButtonsBaby
I, too, suffer from this affliction. Heaven forbid I slip up and do it around a native speaker.
LanceCorporalBadger
I read that as diabetes and I was wondering if your wife was Wilfred Brimley
GeraltofIndiana
My fiance and I, whenever we call each other answer with, "What the fuck do you want now!?"
jokexplainer
nemo3590
I used to do that with my gf until one day her dad borrowed her phone to call me. No, he's not the type to be amused by it.
ducksareawesome
Fuck’im
SerenePrincess013
My best friend & I do this. I'll randomly get a text from him while I'm at work. All I send back is "what did you break & how much is bail?"
thepatioheater
Whenever my sister phones for mum but I get there first I tell her I'm going to get her, wait a few seconds, then do a terrible impression
thepatioheater
of mum that sounds absolutely nothing like her! It has been years! (I'm aware it's not a relationship but it is a family bit)
IloveSwordsTheyAreShiny
It counts and I love it!
dduncan55330
My favorite bit is to say to my fiancé "I remember when I was your age" then describe something I did 4 months ago. 10 years of that. Oof.
sarahdamozel11
Ooo...I could do that with my twin and talk about what I was doing 4 minutes ago. ?
dduncan55330
That's way better than what I got.
timmargh
Both are great. =D
albalass
Oh man, thanks for reminding me how lonely I am. These all sound amazing. And infuriating. But mostly amazing.
Aamu
Tell me about it too!!
tarataqa
Tell me about it…
IAmRelevantToThis
Tell me about it…
DevilsAudvocate
I shared this with my husband. He's in another room. I can hear him laughing... I've made a huge mistake.
dreadpiratekhan
You fool, you mad blind fool...!!
TheCriticsWereConciseItOnlyTookFourLines
"I've got something in my eye." "It's your finger."
forkatssake
"is it your eyeball?"
runswithchickens
1. Put my finger in my husband's mouth when he yawns. 2. When handing him something I say, "my leige," and curtsey.
lostincolour
I do the finger in the mouth to my cat when he yawns and let me tell you, he has tried to do it to me a few times with his paw when I yawn.
Neurisko
I used to do this to my wife, but I learned she legitimately hated it so I stopped. I'm always tempted, though...
smarterthansnakemittens
My wife calls (1) lion taming…
1315ok
I do "1" to my wife every fracking time. She hates it, and punches me. Worth it.
Lachwen
My ex-boyfriend did the first thing to me all the time. I legitimately hated it.
UnrealDreamer
# 2 I would not find that annoying. I would find it sexy as hell.
Ryebread91
I don't know why you got downvoted. I think a curtsy would be hella cute.
RachniKiller
I say some variation of “ I’m off to destroy Canada” or “ in the grim dark future of Warhammer 40k there is only war”
SithElephant
/me thinks of the HelloKitty meme.
SJohnson23
Work for an oil company then?
RachniKiller
No just have a dark senses of humor and like strategy games
89PercentSureYoureFibbing
My wife has an English degree. I won at scrabble a decade ago and I’ve never played with her again. I just yell scrabble king. Good times
lestasi
Wife is Spanish, I took Spanish classes to speak with her and her family, she used to ask how they went. I told her España es soleada. (1)
lestasi
She said, “no es soleado.” I say “no, soleada!” She argues with me. I mumble, “feminine.” At midnight she wakes me up and apologised. (2)
lestasi
She has a D in psychology, I’m just a working class teacher from Alberta. For 10 years now we only speak Spanish with family jaja (3)
Ryebread91
I don't get it. Both translate to Spain is sunny in Google.
DingusMajoris
The Scrabble King does not tarry with mere Scrabble peasants.
MemerMike
Whenever I hit my toe on a tavle or chair near my wife I play the first scene in Skyfall when 007 falls of the bridge with adele signing.
Sjama
Is your toe ok? That's a thing that shouldn't be happening very often.
MemerMike
Thank you for your concern. Actually it happens quite often, either my toes or a shoulder on the door frame or the hand on a table..lol
IAmRelevantToThis
This is me a few times a day. Glad I’m not the only one…
BishopHastur
If someone needs a hand, whether they ask me or I ask them, I start clapping.
blerg5572
BishopHastur
Pretty much exactly like that yeah.
AgoutiCutie
My answer to "what do you want to eat" is always food. What kind of food? Good food. What time is it? Time to get a watch. And if something
bthetrees
Same, except I say ‘edible food’ cuz we have 2 daughters that have toy food
Ittybittybroad
Omg I do the food bit to my 9yo daughter when she asks what's for dinner... it drives her bonkers but it's so funny!
AgoutiCutie
Haha! Yes!
AgoutiCutie
Can be taken literally, I always will. If they're vague in a request, I'll go out of my way to do the wrong thing for as long as I can
AgoutiCutie
completely deadpan. If something can be easily confused, I'll confuse it, then pretend I had no idea when corrected. I'm insufferable, haha
urrugtheorc
I do this too. I can now watch my wife try her best to carefully word a request in such as way as to have only one interpretation. She fails
AgoutiCutie
Haha, that's exactly what happens to me! It's hilarious!
KafkasKarma
You sound like fun to me
AgoutiCutie
Hehe, thank you ♡
KafkasKarma
Bawbag3000
"He'll never sell any icecream at that speed" any time an ambulance passes with its siren on.
PaintyGuys
Lol
elmesito
I do that roo
Teasaurus
Not a partner (not yet anyway), but when I join the discord room that only the two of us have access to, she'll ask "who is this" until ->
Teasaurus
I give her an answer, and sometimes she'll ask me verification questions on top of that. I love her...
GoooForPapaPalpatine
Doot.
NoTroublesBubbles
You both deserve to follow through on this. DO IT NOW, MAN!!!
sgnight13
Better love story than Twilight. I'm invested. Pull the trigger and send me an update
atrielienz
Marry her.
Teasaurus
I've never met her irl, as she lives on the other side of the country, nor have I even seen her face, so I'm treading lightly.
Heavenissize17socks
Treading lightly is for AT-ATS. Ask her to zoom. She could die tomorrow, or worse, fall for a guy who doesn't like her as much as you do
BigBeeOhBee
She could also be a middle aged dude living in his mother's basement.
Teasaurus
Her parents raised her to be pretty secretive when it comes to online presence, which I understand, she's also shy, which just adds to that.
XanderCorsaj
"Treading lightly is for AT-ATs"... That sir, is GOLD.
Teasaurus
That said, I hope I can meet up with her sometime soon, she's expressed interest in doing so too. If things go well I'll ask her out.
bloomPlanet
Good luck to you. I hope the two of you find happiness.
GazedUponWriter
Go for it my dude. You and Brian will have a great time ? all jokes aside... Go for it! Life's too short
bloomPlanet
I met a wonderful lady online in a similar matter. She is the love of my life it has been almost 6 years now.
IstanbulsSweatiestBalls
My wife is Bulgarian and didn't know the word for spatula. I confirmed it was called a 'flerms'. She calls it that now.
illongruci
that's awesome. ("my hovercraft is full of eels")
GrandMoffFinke
When the wife asks me to reminder her of something “later,” I wait about 5 sec and then remind her. I think I’m hilarious!
bthetrees
Hubby and I both do this. But more often than not, neither of us forget the thing we asked the other to remind us about.
GrandMoffFinke
See! So it works!
CanadianCasey
I also think that’s hilarious.
strongbot
I also like "Ok, remind me to remind you." Ball's in their court now!
VillagerJeff
I do this too. Wife does not think it's nearly as funny as I do.
SupposablyPersnickity
Wife, “How’re you feeling?” Me, “With my fingers, like most folk.” Wife, “How did you sleep?” Me, “With my eyes closed.” Every. Damn. Time.
[deleted]
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SupposablyPersnickity
How does this apply to the conversation? Is it just spam? What am I missing here?
DONTsendtits
Use a variation of both of those almost daily.
lilbillydartos
When we go to a restaurant, my wife asks "Where do you want to sit?" "Down." every. Damn. Time. She still hates it
5559000
Me, "how did you sleep?" Him "lying down"
pareidoliaperson
Me to old fem colleague above my league, who sexted me a lot and invited me in twice, also married: what're you doing? Her: Fingering.
pareidoliaperson
I was young & dumb. I did however said no twice. Had the worst day of regrets next day, both days. But I managed to say no, so morally im ok
BunchaCrunchOfHuman
I'm using this
TheRoughGallant
When mine asks how I slept I say “Like this” and pretend to be asleep. Pure comedy gold.
Magpiebones
https://i.redd.it/42uwud65rgw41.jpg
noodleshoe
I'm stealing these, thank you!
DiedAndHauntingImgur
Her: “How did you make out at the store?” Me: “oh, like this! ”
whitefijian
YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO I SAW TODAY!! ... everyone I looked at with my eyes.
kgbofficer
Not to a spouse but to everyone, whenever someone asks what's for lunch/dinner/etc. I respond, 'Food, probably."
MakiPandaRollito
You can add the addition of warm or cold food. Works every time.
ElFreakoDiablo
"How do I look?" "With your eyes, silly"
SchrodingersDictator
“Where is X thing” I ate them.
PathologicalLier
"Oh my god!" - yes but some call me.....tim
PierreEscargeaux
If I ever start a story with “So…” my bf interrupts me with “buttons!” ?
PathologicalLier
everytome someoneis like "aaaaah" (like either in an 'aha' context or lije 'im thinking' kindof) i go "bbbbbbb"
DigiT00l
If he ever says so, get him back with "a needle pulling thread"
PoliticalWanderer
Ha! I had an ex years ago and we used to do that routine.
FlyingMonkeyButt
I sleep with my eyes open
thecowkingdom
You should sleep with one eye open, clutching your pillow tight.
DigiT00l
How does that work? Can you see?
FlyingMonkeyButt
No, I just get pretty dry eyes. And freak people out if I don’t warn them
curmudgeon91
I used to have that same issue lol now I just talk and laugh in my sleep, which is decidedly creepier.
capefling
Whenever my respond could be a number, it is twelve. It is my lying number. With all boyfriends.
TheCriticsWereConciseItOnlyTookFourLines
"Dad, how long until we get there?" "About a half hour" "Ok"
AmnesicBiscuit
Oh god, my brothers did that to me when i was young, with the number 36. Then, for a while i thought that 36 did not exist.
TheCriticsWereConciseItOnlyTookFourLines
What's your phone number?
LastWishTonight
Dial One Two.
makeiteasykeepitsleazy
I do this with my son and $7. When he asks how much someone makes or how much something (grandmothers new car for exmp) costs: $7.00.
IIikethecutofyourjib
I used to tell my bff's little brother he was 7 no matter how old he got.
capefling
Hehe! That's funny, cause when I was a kid, I had a theory that everything would work itself out for everybody, If all things cost 7kr.
capefling
(and it's funny cause it's funny too :) )
ginevra
Heeeey, I ALSO default to twelve! Excellent. Hello, new friend. :)
capefling
"The twelvers" :D
CorwinMacGregor
There are dozens of you! DOZENS!! >.>
gbh2
gross
ginevra
Hah! :)
atrielienz
My husband deliberately talks like he's from Wisconsin just to fuck with me. So in retaliation I call him Boo thing but in a child voice.
ConstantReader
Hey now, what's wrong with the way we talk?
atrielienz
I'm from Philadelphia. He's not from Wisconsin. That's what's wrong with it.
Teasaurus
Oh, dat der sounds liek a real problem ya know, I had a coozin from tha ol' 'consin an he moved up to our big ol' neighbor to tha narth.
Teasaurus
Heevent seen 'im in a coons age but I'll tell ya he maed the best pulled pork this side a tha misismapi lemme tell ya.
atrielienz
You're a terrible person.
atrielienz
And I refuse to call you Boo Thing.
Teasaurus
That's fair.