Suck it up

Don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful for all the things I have in life. I have a home, a decent job that I (usually) enjoy (doesn't pay too terribly well but I am at least earning some change) and I have food to eat.

I'm also diagnosed with major depression and general anxiety. Most of the time I manage it well both through seeing a regular therapist and being able to recognize symptoms of either dips in mood or elevation of anxiety. I can usually head off an episode before it gets too out of control.

Sometimes though the depression sneaks in and the mood bottoms out. And I don't have anyone to talk to. Part of the anxiety is social anxiety so my group of close friends is very small. I wouldn't be comfortable whining to anyone outside that group, either. One friend is going in for major surgery today, another has untreated depression, one has a plethora of medical issues and another has a lot to worry about with an unstable job. I'm the person these people come to to bitch about their shitty day and complain about how fucked their lives are. I'm the one who slaps on a smile and acts like everything is going to be okay to try and cheer them up. I'm the one that sits there and brings hot cocoa when a major life change happens. I'm the one that smiles and promises things will get better while trying to ignore that their depression is triggering mine. I bottle it up and plan to deal with my own emotions later. On my own. Once everyone else is taken care of first.

And it sucks. And it makes me feel like first world problems bitch for crying about feeling sad when people have far shittier stuff going on around them. But yes. I'm sad today. The chemicals in my brain aren't making the happy hormone like they are supposed to and my chest aches with a cold numbness. I'm pushing through my apathy enough to make sure I don't get fired from work today and it's an exhausting battle to put in energy that I don't have. And I kind of want a hug. Also my uterus wants to kill me this week so that adds a lovely unstable hormone to the mix. So on top of feeling sad, my patience is very thin and I very much want to tell everyone to just shut up and leave me alone with their problems. But I can't. Because mine aren't really problems, they're just inconveniences. They will pass and tomorrow will be better. Not everyone can say that, so I just try and keep reminding myself to be grateful for that. If you read this far, thank you for 'listening' to me bitch.

Tl;dr OP is a whiny cunt with a whiny cunt.

Edit: Holy shit. Thank you all for the messages, comments, etc. of support. Also, was super annoyed that I used the wrong 'there/their/they're' up there and had to wait until I got home from work to fix it. I read this damn thing like, six times, too. But yes, thank you. Be strong, and if you have a similar situation, check the comments. There's some fantastic advice from some amazing people. Hang in there! <3