rachhoJumper
416255
12657
386
May 22, 2017 12:32 PM
rachhoJumper
416255
12657
386
Blastergv9
A tomato potato tornado sounds likes a good way to go
TheKRNL
I will henceforth refer to them as only eye moustaches
LeftoverMeatloafIsTheBest
You need to make the thyme to read that seed catalog with her-
webimgur
I wanna see your pithy posts when the oldest one hits about 17.
ImJustASalad
Lettuce get started!! Lol
JasonAbbadon
His friend that can pee alone obviously has no cats.
YsgramorsSoupSpoon
huffdogg
I got a lot of actual laughs out of this. Good find +1
obviousmadeupfacts
DanGordonOnlyLettersAndNumbers
go outside, find kid tending flowers - 'what are you doing?' 'making the garden nice for when the cat dies' - Spike Milligan on his kids
PeterBartonfromSotonUK
This post made me smile and that's all that matters to me.
malbec
attaaaaaaaack of the killer toMAA-toooooos.... aaaTTAAAAAAAACK.....
LokiKingOfJotunheim
#15 I don't have a kid, but it's hard to poop without my cat wandering in and meowing his face off because he suddenly wants something...
magicpantsmcd
With one on the way, this is hilarious and terrifying.
omgwtfhuh
Life will stay hilarious and terrifying from now on, accept it and enjoy!
magicpantsmcd
Lol I like that someone down voted this....
dm6776
At least half of these are fake
IThinkYouGotAFineBrainJack
Title: "Something dad tweets something" Annnnnnd..... it's XplodingUnicorn again.
HazeHere
I know right? If it's about a dad tweeting, it's always going to be James
boogertown
unityz
so much didntappen in this post.
tarataqa
I followed this dude on twitter for awhile. He isn't as funny day-to-day. Just read "his greatest hits" on Imgur and move on.
HazeHere
Some are decent, some are flops. But there are a few masterpieces from time to time. Especially if the wife is involved
Fluffycorn
The tomato .... its coming
sarahsaurroar
Well to be fair, tomatoes CAN be pretty scary....
bunnygirlox
Indeed! But why are there potatoes when it says tomatoes?
Opportunist
The tomatoes were too scary
Flyndaran
Does no one else remember when they attacked killing so many in the late 70s?
NotThatOneTheOtherOne
Why is the picture at the end a bunch of potatoes? Not tomatoes?
PeterBartonfromSotonUK
I think it's outside ready to pounce.
Decapitatrix
Now we are asking the difficult questions
GitRightStik
Potato tax
SilverWingsofMorning
i like the tomato story. imagine the type of tomato you would have to hide from
Doopapotamus
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attack_of_the_Killer_Tomatoes
BreadyStinellis
I was hoping someone else was old enough to remember this. That was my favorite cartoon as a kid.
Doopapotamus
I remember that cartoon too! At least, that I liked it. I can't remember a single thing about it now.
charlottadupont
I cringed at the thought of a toddler pushing a dog away from food. Even with a great dog that can go badly faster than you think.
RoboticManiac
If your dog has food aggression, you never obviously didn't bother to train your dog. Only in recent rescues is that 'acceptable'.
BreadyStinellis
If your dog's food aggression is that bad, you did it wrong.
ILovedUnicornsFirst
May daughter said yesterday at supper that her mouth wanted more flavor but her tummy was tired of eating. Odd phrasing but it was funny.
ILovedUnicornsFirst
My*
ElecTech
My Niece had a blocked year and described it as having a yawn stuck in her ear.
ILovedUnicornsFirst
That actually made me chuckle. That's cute. Good description, too.
iwishi
A friend's niece thought that when you saw a clock with no numbers, it meant the day had run out. I think that's adorable.
ILovedUnicornsFirst
Precious! I love hearing stories about the stuff kids say. Too cute.
ILovedUnicornsFirst
She also called a skunk a "scunt" for way too long.
BreadyStinellis
that's a perfect description if how I currently feel. Really it's how I feel always.
ILovedUnicornsFirst
It made me feel good because usually she's like, this sucks, I want macaroni. She's picky. Or I'm an awful cook. Probably both. Yay food!
TronFirefly
As a mobile user: fuck you.
oxidisedgearz
Yeah. I know I can fix the blur, but I sure as fuck am not going to do all that work.
BreadyStinellis
On mobile, it looks just fine.
rachhoJumper
I'm a mobile user I posted it with my phone and I can see it perfectly fine so?
AndreKroon
Not sure why you are being downvoted. I can see it perfectly well too on my android.
MyCatLikesToFruitcake
Mine is blurry. Is there a trick ? Zoom gives same result.
cantyoyowithnostring
ShentoSama
Damn. Reminds me of Bill Cosby's dancing moves on The Cosby Show.
filmusic42
Whoa, she has more groove than me.
Billy2sweet
I think her name is Stella
BearBombs
I feel like half of these are just witty situations he thought of in the shower. But as the writer Tim O'Brien said:
XanderCorsaj
Miracle on 34th Street: What's worse? A lie that raises a smile, or truth that sheds a tear? I prefer to laugh&smile, rare though it may be
Legolaselfeyes
The author said "My tweets are a mix. Some are real, some are exaggerated, and some are made up. Most are at least inspired by my kids."
dm6776
Yeah I doubt 3 year olds are telling their parents "you need better friends"
RemainsspacebarUnknown
my family always having had kids around. kids dont come up with such smartass replies. im tempted to call most of them fake honestly.
Flyndaran
I was very much a smart-ass toddler and even infant. I found ways to be one before I knew more than a handful of words.
GlitterInTheDarkNearTheTannhauserGate
i've been around 3 year olds for a while, they just say garbage most times and these 'gold' moments are just coincidence really
strangledbyaturtleneck
Maybe the kids in your family are stupid.
iwishi
I'm a teacher and you would be surprised. They don't mean to be smartasses, they're usually intended as legitimate responses.
grapesforducks
Kids mimic what they know/hear.If they know they'll get shit on for talking/sass, or if the adults don't sass each other, they won't either
AndreKroon
Basically it's, who would have thought that kids do what the people they spend most time with do. Many have a hard time understanding that.
GavinScreaming
I don't have kids but I babysit my young cousins a lot and none of these seem very far fetched. He might have cleaned them up a bit though
INeverThoughtIdMakeThisAccount
Yeah. Hang around any kid for a long enough time and sooner or later you get something funny.
Terminology
People have doubts because these gems happen every so often. He uploads 5-10 of them every single day. No way that's real.
Terminology
He's also an actual comedian and admitted to embellishing them in a twitter status, but sure downvote away.
BearBombs
"A thing may happen and be a total lie; another thing may not happen and be truer than the truth."
DarthFutuza
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHERW5GT_Tk
TheGrubinator
Here's the real question(s) for you: Do they amuse you? Do they make you stop for a moment ant think? Do they touch on some subtle truth (1)
TheGrubinator
lurking just below the surface? If the answer to any of these questions is, "Yes," then I must ask you: What could be more real?
HeeyBuddy
Vaccine guns?
darkdragonempress
I gave a piece of turkey to my cat and my toddler snatched it from her. So at least that one is probably true.
GiantSnakeBirthdayCakeLargeFriesChocolateShake
"It's the truth even if it didn't happen" we read "The Things they Carried" this year, I'm graduating this week
imnotakittycat
I. Love. This. Book.
sixpintsofbitterandquicklyplease
Congratulations
Gayforbae
Is this what it means to live in a Post-truth world?
bingotown
Yeah, I have trouble believing several of these. My 8-year-old daughter is pretty sharp and many of these sound far too clever.
rookiefdb
Yeah like a 4 year old knows that beer gets your drunk and that is bad? Come on. Either a terrible dad or a liar ha
NikkiCola
Maybe she is not as sharp as you think
bingotown
Impossible. She's the smartest and most beautiful in her entire school.
BanadecCamberbootch
As a father to four daughters, I can confirm that these are likely 100% real.
MartyMcNugget
Liar
yourmomisminenow
You could be lying too. Who knows, maybe bush did do 9/11 after all.
mialynneb
I work in an elementary school - the shit they say just out of nowhere. "My dad drink a lot of beer." Uhh, I just said good morning, but ok.
indigogogogo
I have two daughters, can also confirm that these are most real. Girls learn to talk early and don't hesitate to speak without thinking.
VIAI
Sounds like my ex
indigogogogo
pumpkintreelane
My girls school would interview the kids on Mom and Dad, then post the results in the hallway for all to read, kids say weird stuff. 1/2
pumpkintreelane
My middle girl said I went to glittery parties wearing my orange glitter party dress. I didn't even own a dress at the time.
pumpkintreelane
Oh, this was Pre-K so 3 and 4yr olds.
Terminology
I doubt it. Kids say the darndest things, but he uploads 5-10 of these literally every single day. No way that's real.
SardonicGrin
According to an article they are a mix. I think the seed catalogue one is real and the tomato one is real, for example.
MechGryph
It was cute until the eye mustaches. Then it's upvote.
OliverClothesoff70
MrHashSlingingSlasher
Someone more talented than me should replace his eyebrows with his mustache
xXPawnStarrXx
and his moustache with an eyebrow.
MechGryph
samsonguy920
Reverse Course! We made a huge mistake!
Inappr0priate
Rossco311
this... I love this...
wackywoohoopizzaman
FUCK YOU! AND YOUR EYE MOUSTACHE!
MechGryph
OliverClothesoff70
https://www.awesomegifs.com/wp-content/uploads/walter-white-fuck-you-and-your-eyebrows-breaking-bad.gif
temujin9
Excuse me . . . eye mustache you a question.
MechGryph
WellshitIcantThinkofAusername
never mind, i'll shave it for later
clever304
Eye see what you did there.
spookhook
WellshitIcantThinkofAusername
oh rose
diomedes33
You didn't separate them. So how can I easily share these with others :(
GigglesMeister
ZOOM ZOOM
VodkaReindeer
For easier reposting to imgur you see.
bunnyrut
look for the original post. i think there were more in that one
baaaaaas4
Screenshot city baby
Hedgehogsareadorable
Go to his actual Twitter
tarataqa
Read them aloud to your friends and family
SamanthaGrace
That's the plan, as soon as I can catch my breath. lmao
XanderCorsaj
I just did that. I love making my maw n paw laugh and these were great
LlamaBacon
Screenshot n' crop, buddy.
IvnWng
But maaaaaaa.....that's so much wooooork~~~
EdwinStoeptegel
Thanks! It worked:
diomedes33
Hey, I come to Imgur to be lazy. Not to do work, buddy.
SweenDog
Sounds more like a butty to me
[deleted]
[deleted]
amaliaa
Good job dude
Fireguy97
I liked yours a lot better.
nosaucesbutapplesauces
Not exact, but pretty darn close!
PudgeTheFish
Bless you. Doing God's work.
z3lfmoord
I downvoted theirs and upvoted yours
FrozenFoodGuy
Why downvote theirs? It's not like they took someone else's OC... it's from a twitter account. I've seen these plenty of times by now.
HoldingAccount
Better quality reposting. I guess that's worth something.
j00niz
Right?
HoldingAccount
FP apparently
norwegianRaccoon
Screenshot?
AmandaReckonwith
Hold the home and power buttons down
shouldiactlikeicare
Norsk vaskebjørn
norwegianRaccoon
Burde jeg late som at jeg bryr meg
shouldiactlikeicare
Det hørtesjo bare helt teit ut på norsk da
norwegianRaccoon
Sant
norwegianRaccoon
Men greit på engelsk da