thisuserdoesnotexisthere
96303
2013
102
My cousin found out she was pregnant and immediately told her whole family to expect a new baby at Christmas dinner.
What a lot of new parents don't know is that a lot of pregnancies aren't viable and they get so lost in the excitement that they tell everyone too early. She lost the baby about three weeks later.
For the following few months she had to constantly relive it when everyone she told asked her how the baby was coming along. It was excruciating.
Bottom line: hold the good news until your OB says it's okay to tell people.
drainbamage1011
Oof. Yeah, been there, Thanksgiving dinner for us. She was so excited to announce the news and it was heart-wrenching to backtrack it.
PistonCupWinner
I was showing at 10 weeks. Told the people I would have told if I miscarried. Lots of others guessed. I’d have liked the support.
ThisGuyHere
My wife had just told her family and the next day she had pain and bleeding. Luckily it was early enough that no medical attn was needed.
Vaulthunter2k
Work expected me in3days after my miscarriage saying it would be better for me to work through the pain i'm still looking for a new job help
stronomer
About 1/3 of pregnancies don't go beyond the first trimester, about 15% end between the 6th and 12th week. It's common. 1/2
stronomer
Which also means that many women (or couples) have experienced a miscarriage. It's just a very taboo topic, but talk to friends about it.2/2
IWouldDoThings
It used to be common knowledge that you waited past the first trimester or so to tell everyone, but now people tell soon as test is positive
bamcobra
Social media >everyone knows in seconds.
TANEY500
Good advice. My wife miscarried three times, twice in the second trimester. We told almost nobody about our daughter, born 12 days ago
TANEY500
Of course, everybody knows about her now! Don't lose hope if you struggle to have a baby.
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
A friend of mine gave me what I think is the best advice: "Don't tell anyone you don't want to grieve with".
kiwidutch
trouble is that often in their excitement of the big news they can’t keep their mouths shut in front of those who don’t want to grieve with
kibouchi
Wife and I told our parents immediately after finding out but that was it. No friends or even siblings knew until 2nd trimester.
MommyOser16
but at the same time it is also good to have everyone know so you can get the support you need to get
MommyOser16
through the miscarriage. I did with my first that i lost at 6-8 weeks
shesaidwellanyway
I told everyone at 8/9 weeks. I was too excited but definitely had worries for a while after sharing. Luckily, 35 wks along today!
isannah
Congrats!
shesaidwellanyway
wittyandcharmingnamenoonehasthoughtofyet
Miscarriages are common, people shouldn't have to hide their pain.
oogaloogalooshka
Exactly! Also if you don’t tell it’s weird to hide the fact you never were pregnant to start with isn’t it?
wittyandcharmingnamenoonehasthoughtofyet
People need to be able to grieve and remove the stigmas attached.
justchelsea
I told people who i would have needed support from if things went poorly. But things went well.
WhateverWhateverIDoWhatIWant
The OB isn’t going to tell you when you should tell people. You can have a U/S at 12 weeks and still lose the baby.
OminousBanjo
Agreed. Besides, it's not your OB's job to make your social decisions for you.
skruttet
This is bullshit. I'll tell who I want when I want to. Most people who are/want to be pregnant knows it's never 100% but way easier to >>
skruttet
>> explain why I'm devastated if people already knew that I was pregnant.
Solaralyn
Thats how I felt. If they are excited for us then they would understand and grieve with us. And it makes the next one that much more special
ninjakittenz
I found out I was pregnant one morning. SO told his mom. Later I told SO to call her and remind her not to tell anyone. Turns out she
ninjakittenz
already told some family. That evening I miscarried. MIL: so what am I supposed to tell them now? US: not our problem
kojenk
What the fuck "what am i supposed to tell them"? Wtf?!
letmebeyourteddybear
God, why the fuck would she even ask that question. I'm so sorry it happened to you.
ninjakittenz
At least it was only close family and they were tactful enough not to mention it. Next time I got prego she found out like everyone else.
blabsie
Ehm.. or... Let people choose when they tell who? And stick tot your own business.
CeatharLaoghgPT
We are just after going through something similar, just not the same scale. At first scan we found it wasn't viable & required 2 chemical /1
CeatharLaoghgPT
Abortions, and a DNC (sweep). Wide told a few ppl before it was safe, pure excitement took over. It's been over 2 month now and we are /2
CeatharLaoghgPT
Still reliving it every day, multiple times over and over
makeiteasykeepitsleazy
It def takes time. Hormones are high and it’s just such a gut wrenching disappointment. After my second I went and saw a therapist and she
makeiteasykeepitsleazy
Helped me with some coping strategies that were so immensely helpful. I’m so sorry for your loss.
freakishdarling
My mom lost her first child when she was about 6 or 7 months along on her way to her baby shower. To this day she won't celebrate 1/2
freakishdarling
any one else's pregnancy until the baby is actually out. 2/2
CaptainStinkyVonPoopberg
God is the biggest abortionist of them all.
sillymapper
KittyAmin
Snowflaky
VIEW BAD REPLIES
JamesBluntThatSmartassCunt
I’m using this.
adam461
Well he must have a need for them in heaven.
PirateLogic
https://imgur.com/Ln6fQps
thetinytraveler
I’m going to hell for laughing at this
CaptainStinkyVonPoopberg
Says, who? God? You believe that murdering asshole?
ninjakittenz
Yes but many of those you don't even know about since they happen so early. God is also the biggest killer. Childhood cancer, etc.
insertclevernameshere
I mean, with that logic God is the only killer.
insertclevernameshere
But, in death he provides everlasting life in paradise!
TonyTonyChopp
Unless you live in the Monogatari universe, where all children go to hell.
ninjakittenz
An example for my other comment
ninjakittenz
No. Us humans kill children as well. Cancer was just an example of how God does it.
StarSpangledHammered
Good advice. Still sucks at week 14 espec when all ur friends start sharing their great news & u realize your kids would have been friends
catarrh
tell you (trusted) parner. wait at least until 12th week before spreading the news or communicating this to anyone who can't keep mouth shut
LordFiggilton
If you lose the baby you should not be expected to suffer in silence. Some people want to share others don't.. no right or wrong here
catarrh
sure, but it's "best practice" to avoid unnecessary embarrasment. miscarriage probability is never too low and first 12 weeks are most risky
IMTHEJUGGERNAUTBISH
We didn't think of this until after, but have only told close family. Our appointment is Thursday for ultrasound and I'm really nervous.
IMTHEJUGGERNAUTBISH
My wife is definitely showing all the signs, HARDCORE. But from what I'm told it is still not a guarantee.
lulu82
Kinda hard when you're puking at work. Or when you've miscarried before and want to talk it out so that you've got friends to support you.
Kempelle
Or let each individual woman decide what is best for her on her own terms. This experience is different for every person.
kkanne20
no one is forcing anyone to do anything. simply providing evidence-based suggestion. ignore at your own risk
Kempelle
Your statement is accurate.
BobDresden
I don't blame people for waiting to tell or not waiting. But I'm always hesitant to ask about pregnancies for just this reason.
appleshampooooo
This! Let them have the joy of sharing their news too. Guess (in your head all you want) but let them tell you.
KarlijnOlavFenne
I was glad people knew, at least they understood why I was emotional. I had seven miscarriages al past the 14th week, so I was ‘safe’....
TwoSquirrelsInAWoolSock
I think in your case it’s different. At 14+ weeks, you’ve had the chance to bond with the fetus. You’re “safe”. The first trimester is over
TwoSquirrelsInAWoolSock
You’ve had large doses of pregnancy hormones pumping through your body and felt the changes. You’ve gotten used to the fact that life will
TwoSquirrelsInAWoolSock
Be different now, because you’re “safe”. It’s been long enough. At that point, you NEED your loved ones for support while going through this
TwoSquirrelsInAWoolSock
But, at 2-3 weeks pregnant, it’s barely been there. It may not even be alive anymore and could be waiting to be expelled with your next
TwoSquirrelsInAWoolSock
Period. Or just expel itself and seem like a late period. A couple can make it through that. In any event, I’m sorry for your losses. My mom
lynncelebrateslife
Im so sorry for your losses <3
KarlijnOlavFenne
Tanks<3, luckily I managed to stay pregnant twice. So I’ve got a beautiful son and daughter.
lynncelebrateslife
Jesus Christ, that's not normal! Did you get checked?
Shitheid
There’s a stat that 1/3-1/2 of all pregnancies miscarry but I don’t know if it’s true
littlepenguinologist
It’s more common than a lot of people think. I personally know several women who’ve had many unexplained miscarriages (upwards of 5 each).
sureasyourebornyourenevergoingtoseenounicorn
I do as well, a lot of women just don’t talk about it much so they thinks it’s uncommon.
littlepenguinologist
I didn’t realise it was so common until I started TTC. Was a big shock to find out do many women go through it.
KarlijnOlavFenne
Yes, check check dubbel check! Like all fairytales I did get my happy ending. Oldest is 7 youngest is 4.
thetinytraveler
My mom had around 7 miscarriages due to a chromosome disorder and endo. She has my two older brothers and I was adopted. Happy for you!
makeiteasykeepitsleazy
I’ve had three, two at 6 and one at 13w. I cannot imagine how you’ve kept going. Can you tell me what, if anything, the doctors did diff? I
makeiteasykeepitsleazy
Am still trying (now 10m of infertility) with a specialist and she’s got me in progesterone and baby aspirin. And swears that by making me
makeiteasykeepitsleazy
Ovulate earlier than I was with a thicker lining it should help but I’m frankly terrified to be pregnant again. How’d you cope with fear?
butlerfetish
OBs don't just give you a thumbs up for when to tell. Even the common "wait for the first trimester is BS." 1/2
butlerfetish
I miscarried at 4 months, my oldest friend lost several babies at 5+ month. How about you keep that advice to yourself instead? 2/2
cajuninjun
it's good advice though, sorry for your losses but normally after 12 weeks you're more likely not to miscarry, it's a common thing to wait 1
cajuninjun
and many people who become pregnant for the first time don't know the risks and don't enjoy grieving in public 2/2
butlerfetish
It's common to wait, but it's also up to the person when to tell. This whole culture of insisting that suffering in 1/2
butlerfetish
silence is better is unhealthy. Tell if you want, don't tell if you want, accept that either choice has consequences. 2/2
cajuninjun
it's not suffering in silence, it's in private, big difference. I don't want everyone knowing my problems, only those I trust to share with
subnivean
OR just tell whoever the hell you want, when you want, and consequences happen. It's OK to be sad and let people see you sad.
PlantainSuperNova
Nah empathy is too hard for op to comprehend.
tajashal
This is good advice mallard. Of course, you can do whatever you want, it's your life.
geojustin
Thats fine if you’re prepared to deal with telling people and letting them see you sad. Not everyone handles this the same way
Burrahopton
AND having support from so many people who have experienced the same thing; Mothers, sisters, aunts, friends isn't a bad thing either.
subnivean
This. Talking about sad things is a means (for many) to recovery.
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
Personally I was glad for the advice, because I prefer to grieve privately, not publicly.
subnivean
I don't mean to say that everyone should share immediately. I mean that some are OK with sharing grief with friends. And that's OK, too.
kiwidutch
Yes, we did this too, twice . Luckily we have two brilliant kids now. Comes down to personal choice.
WednesdayAntilles
Yea but some ppl are assholes and will give you shit if they think you’re mourning too long/are too hurt by the loss. My “best friend” 1/2
WednesdayAntilles
asked wtf was I so upset about because it wasn’t even an actual baby (I miscarried at about 6 to 8 wks, first pregnancy). Hurt like hell
DidNotIntendToBeHereThisLong
Then they're not good people. It's no reflection on you
Qualia97
I'm sorry you had to go through that
loki69
Exactly. There is nothing wrong with sharing & nothing wrong with going through this. Maybe @OP meant be prepared for the possibility?
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
There's nothing wrong with wanting to go through it privately, either. If you don't mind having to explain it to everyone you told, then /1
subnivean
No, of course, but the original post implies a blanket statement. Private people? Rock that. Not so private people who cope with risk? Sure!
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
of course go ahead. Personally I would find that to be torture. /2
kiwidutch
I did exactly this: twice. We told no one & dealt with it alone.Luckily we eventually had 2kids.Coping with grief is different for everyone
Wyndynwyre
Some people don't want to constantly rehash and reexplain events that caused them distress or trauma
subnivean
Well sure, they can decide to announce later, if they're more comfortable that way. Doesn't mean everyone must adhere to that, too.
loki69
True, but why tell everyone that they can't just because you think they shouldn't? It's a rather personal choice.
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
They never said they can't. They advised not to. You are free to reject the advice and do it anyway.
sirbartonslady
I mean, no one's forcing you to adhere to good advice, but OP's advice is just that: good advice. Saves later heartache.
Huibui
Nope. Heartache comes from losing the baby. If anything, reliving it might make you process it better. (1/2)
sirbartonslady
I don't know about you, but I don't like to relive awful things for the sake of "getting over it" because that's not how it works for me.
sirbartonslady
Not everyone is up to that. You shouldn't force someone relive something traumatic if they don't want to.
sirbartonslady
O dpm
sirbartonslady
(goddammit fingers, stupid typo.)
Huibui
Given that you have a loving, caring family, that is. (2/2)
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
I have a loving, caring family, and the only people I'd really want to discuss it with at first are my husband and mom. So that's who I told
VernonTWalldrip
You'd think the first few people she told would have cautioned her that you are supposed to wait 2-3 months exactly for this reason.
Imguralterego
Why? So we hide miscarriage and grief? Should it not be spoken about?
thatsonefuckingnicekitty
What if they all are white trash?
VernonTWalldrip
I hadn't considered that.
CongratsYouAreHereNow
agreed, but that's a pretty awkward thing to say. "hey stop telling people, you may miscarry"
EllieJ
almost 13 weeks & all seems to be going well so I've started to tell more close friends & extended family.
kkanne20
mhm
EllieJ
I had numerous people (family) tell me this exact thing. I know their intentions were in the right place. but still stung a bit. I'm now 1/2
EllieJ
& apparently strangers on the interwebs.
CongratsYouAreHereNow
Congrats!
EllieJ
thank you!
makeiteasykeepitsleazy
I told people who I would have also told if I had a miscarriage. Close friends and family. That said I also waited until after 13 weeks and
SerenaBlithe
^^yep do this only tell the people whos shoulders youre okay with crying on. And remember you ate not alone!
belalugosi86
Same. My family and close friends knew because I wanted the support in case something went wrong with any of my pregnancies.
makeiteasykeepitsleazy
A positive, healthy scan to announce and then miscarried 3 days later. I was relieved, I couldn’t have pretended to not be devastated.
margaretolson
I'm so sorry that you had to experience that.
makeiteasykeepitsleazy
*** relieved people knew that I’d been pregnant. Definitely not relieved I miscarried.
ramarins
I understood. Sorry that happened.
mardukter
Thanks for the clarification. Sorry for your loss!
MrsNitro88
Same thing happened to me.
makeiteasykeepitsleazy
Did they ever come up with a reason as to why? They said it was such a weird time for it to happen and couldn’t find a reason which is hard
MrsNitro88
Said there were too many chromosomes. It happened at conception. Nothing could have been. Nobody’s fault.
makeiteasykeepitsleazy
I’m so sorry you had to go through it too.
AciddWashedGenes
Same thing happened to my girlfriend and I.. sorry for your loss, that’s tough
makeiteasykeepitsleazy
Did you ever get a reason? That’s what terrifies me, no clue why. Genetics fine, blood fine, cervix fine.
AciddWashedGenes
No we never did get a reason... it worries us to this day