radioflower
98439
1645
26
Sep 28, 2021 11:08 PM
radioflower
98439
1645
26
MiniMegaOfParagonCity
Almost put a dictionary in the freezer.
venomlash
#16 ski dap, ba dap, butthole
CyclopticColleague
#16 My BFF in college, when asked where sth was, would respond "If it was up your ass, you'd know where it was." I still slip up & say it.
MorgulTheFriendlyDrelb
At the train stn gate my metro card wouldn't swipe. I complained to the guard before realising that I was swiping my coffee club card.
Mr21782Man
Call center thing is real. I worked at one for a decade years ago. I still answer the phone "hello my name is x how can I help you?".
Xenarion
Oh boy my sides hurt from holding the laugh to not wake up people sleeping because of that last one. Glorious.
WTBenji08
I once put hair gel on my toothbrush…tastes exactly like you think it would.
SophieClockwise
#16
MistoKat
#16 ?Have you checked your butthole? Ski-dap Ba-dap Butthole! ?
PballQhead
#18 if you're a cook you know the pain of chucking the peeled potatoes into the bin and the peels into the bucket in a haze of exhaustion.
geraltofnippia
Most common brain glitch I have is when I approach my front door I start aggressively clicking the unlock button for my car on my keys.
geraltofnippia
Thinking this will unlock the front door. It happens too often. Always have to check that the car is still locked after.
eadanke
I fell asleep at work, woke up yelling at a cabby inches from his face. I don't know how it got to that point, but my apology was accepted.
tlamstrike
I once walked a halfway home from work still wearing a filthy apron before I realized it. Put my jacket on over it and everything.
Lamorphe
They installed a light where there used to be a stop sign. I occasionally make a full stop even though it's green. Luckily I'm always alone.
PlatypusShankie
YES, THIS. Also, I've come to a stop at the red, checked, and driven through before remembering that it had been changed. Luckily alone too.
Lamorphe
Oh shiit! Hasn't happened to me yet with a red light, but can definitely see it happening! Wishing us both safety in the future!
isntyourname123
The "clarity" one sounds like talking like HK47 from knights of the old republic.
JPRiddles
#25 I read the note they wrote for ages trying to see what was wrong before I realised there was another part to the story
sheebalasvegas
legit did the same lol
BrockEffingSamson
I was like "I guess they used their online username? Oh well. They can't all be funny. Time to read the next one."
TheDogEnd
Same. I just figured they'd actually wrote their Reddit handle Khazgul instead of their real name
JPRiddles
#6 I laughed so hard at this. An irate person just like "I said meatlong football! Come on guy!"
Denvercoder09
"Meat! LONG! FOOT! BALL! IT'S NOT SURGERY ROCKET!"
AsheLake
Bames Nond's having a stronk!
ChaosSound
While at work I got a phone call on my cell, I responded as if they had called the business, the guy thought he called the wrong number.
painttheworldblue36
I once put the milk back in the cabinet and the cereal put back in the fridge. Thankfully my mom caught it as it was happening.
TheAdequatePhotoshopGuy
My mom used to put the milk in the sink and the empty glass in the fridge when she was young
AsinusAdLyram
I'm a nurse. I've tried to badge into my car and my house. Yes, just like the poor ER tech in the video. My roommate saw me do it once.
YewPluckingShotMe
I used to have a 3 hour bus commute to work, it was winter and we were doing long hours so it was dark when I got in and dark when I left /c
YewPluckingShotMe
Got up on time, made my way out and onto the first two busses before I realized it was Sunday, my day off. The buses don't run back Sunday.
YewPluckingShotMe
It took me another four hours to get home with my only saving grace being my bus pass.
AbelardSnazz
If I use my city's tram network to go anywhere else but work, there's a 50/50 chance I'll still board the work tram first.
Puppersforall
I made myself a nice morning bowl of cat biscuits once instead of cereal. Poured milk on and everything.
letisdorock
#12 this clarity thing is an excellent idea. I'm a very serious person and when I ask something, people tend to thing I'm against it.
marsilies
I'll preface with "So to clarify..." Or "just to make sure I got it right..."
Weentit
#14 what the fuck? This is the most dystopian shit I have ever heard.
Corrodias
The most likely interpretation is that they're closing the building for the day and checking that no one is left inside.
Weentit
i want to believe you
InfocalypseRising
I’m fairly sure some of these are less “autopilot” and more “drugs”
Kittynomnoms
If you're sleep deprived, things can get wild. I've turned to face people approaching me on the subway only for there to be nobody there.
sheetascastle
Worked a 14 hour shift after 3 ten hour days and no sleep- I was stressed. Forgot my work I'd to clock out. Hard to explain to business offc
fedeColorTerror
I don't know. Once I forgot my own name. No drugs or alcohol involved
theusernameformerlyknownastildo
I can attest to this. After copious amount of weed smoked, went to bed, woke up to pee, instead of the bathroom I peed in my garbage can /1
theusernameformerlyknownastildo
in my room. Mid stream, I realized what I was doing, went to the actual bathroom to finish, then went back to bed. Woke up the next /2
theusernameformerlyknownastildo
morning and was casually having breakfast when the realization of last night came to me. Yup, I did in fact pee here. /e
thekeyofe
They read to me less as "on autopilot" and more as "dangerously sleep-deprived," especially the last one where they explicitly admit it.
Corrodias
It's certainly a sub-category of autopilot.
fake40nedeso
Fun fact: If you are tired/exhausted enough your brain is about as functional as being "under influence". THAT is something that 1/2
fake40nedeso
shows in number of car accidents during rush hour. Or holidays… don’t drive tired.
PrincessNausicaa
I think I'm a little bit in love with Khazgul
ahernandez
**khazgul**
ReggieAndBubs
Student student student. Student.
TheGreatSynan
It's the heart with an arrow in the signature, isn't it?
TheUnspeakableh
(sharp)
HillOfBeans
Khazguuuul
StabbyMcMurder
I'm literally in tears at those notes
iamsecretsquirrel
I’m annoying my husband in bed because I can’t stop giggling
DustyDragon
You too? I'm trying so hard not to laugh and failing miserably.
BeTheMirage
A lot of those have shepheeeeeeerd energy. Read them in wrex voice
waluigiknowsyourehigh
Really? It comes across as blatantly fake to me
PrincessNausicaa
Wouldn't be the first time I've loved someone/something not real.
ahernandez
Probably is. But made me laugh. Let joy into your life.
arr0wzack101
Agreed, its waaay over the top. Some "and then every one clapped" material
Lamorphe
01. Not me, but new mom I know, constantly dipped her finger in baby food to make sure it wasn't too hot and tasted good. She did the same
Lamorphe
02. With her baby's diaper once ??!
vakler
I am in tears trying to laugh quietly so I don't wake the house, my god
ATaxManCometh
Oh sweet Jesus, that's horrible. Worse than the time I took a sip from the mug my college roommates and I put our cigarette butts out in.
Lamorphe
I mean both are pretty gross imo!
ATaxManCometh
Damn straight. The memory helped me quit. Hopefully the same can be said bout your friend. ?
Euchre
Yeah? Ever seen someone take a swig out of a soda can turned spit can?
ATaxManCometh
Oh god... No. The sheer viscosity. Gag.
Euchre
They did more than gag.
SamBiscuit2637
I once tried to unlock my house door with my car's key fob after a week's worth of twelve hour shifts.
AbelardSnazz
All the time. I'm constantly trying to get through the barriers at work with my doorkey fob, or trying to get into my home with my work pass
HemlockMoonwolf
I do this a lot. Or I hit the fob thinking by the time I get from the car to the door it will magically open.
Euchre
When you work so many days in a row, for 8+ hrs, that you get up on your day off, get ready and go to work as on a work day, you know you've
Euchre
worked too damn long. My manager had succeeded in 'cleaning house' of everyone but me, and I'd worked 10 days straight. The district manager
Euchre
was looking at the 'pay exceptions' (anyone with overtime) and saw me at 60+ hrs for the week, and told the manager 'hell no' and moved 2
Euchre
people from another location to mine in 2 days. Oh, and the manger had me clock in and work anyway on that 11th day.
VosperOfAntarctica
Are we just gonna gloss over the fact that amazon does bathroom security sweeps?
EmeraldLight
When we check bathrooms it's *thump thump thump* "[gender] Lifeguard entering the [opposite gender] bathroom!"Not easy for my non-binary ass
Meebers
Uhm. The Amazon I worked at they once found a stash of (assumed stolen) dildos in the ceiling in one of men’s bathrooms so…
iamagopher
What SweetandSour said - we do this at the library at closing. Shout "LIBRARY IS CLOSED!" Then make sure no one is still inside/passed out
OrangeFlavours
Yeah? How do you think security people normally clear a place? They're not kicking open stalls, dude, the guy yelled for a reason.
lordfear
Yeah I always go check bathrooms when I'm leaving the office and I think I'm last so I don't activate the alarm while someone is pooping.
looseasamoose
All dystopia aside people can get in medical trouble in bathrooms along with assault, theft and stashing of various things. If you're seriou
leaderofthedamned
A man died in the Walmart I worked for in the bathroom and no one found him for hours. Just had a heart attack and died and no one noticed.
byohzzrd
Security, Housekeeping, Maintenance. I've called them all through a restroom door. Drop your deuce and get out, I gotta job to do.
Mairoa
Speak up or pinch it off before your poopin time becomes our poopin time
tarnok
Some people have illnesses that interfere with their ability to have timely deuces.
Xenocideisaplan
Capitalist America does not care
stinkingyeti
Cleaner came into the bathroom at work once, about 10am. Called out that he was closing it to be cleaned, i advised that he wait about 10
stinkingyeti
minutes, and when he tried to argue the point, i let loose something horrible. He left and came back much later.
byohzzrd
I have to say I'd probably have applauded and muttered "Extra air freshener for Restroom 2." and came back later. Power poopin' move.
stinkingyeti
I was honestly trying to hold it, but an upset belly gives no fucks.
AnalFistingPornstarLegendWolverine
yeah that's super fucked.
Corrodias
No, it's very normal when you're about to close a building and activate the alarm system to do a sweep to ensure no one's stuck inside.
NoShotz
If it's after closing hours I can understand it as people could hide in the washroom after closing so they can steal stuff, otherwise, yeah.
BrockEffingSamson
Yeah, if you're closing a building, you just gotta. I had to check the bathrooms as a retail manager at the end of day.
Kumiyuki
This, I used to work asset protection at Bestbuy and we had to do this after closing.
HorriblyPositive
Honestly, even a 24/7 place you want to check periodically for health concerns too. Make sure no one's asleep, high, dead, etc... >
HorriblyPositive
Most people will ignore an occupied stall until the occupant stinks worse than the background. And in a warehouse shitter... >
HorriblyPositive
Long as there was another open stall you could be dead for months before anyone noticed. >