GuacaMan
244227
6079
166
Fp edit: send nudes because I heard that happens when you hit fp
YouThinkThatsBad
My parents told me I’d be protected by social security and Medicare
FloridaLawyer
KharnApproves
Mmmmmmh
Parents taught me that the sea is salty because yrs ago a ship sank with the salt machine stuck on.
astrangehop
That folk tale is German and over 400 years old.
Mmmmmmh
Really? I thought they'd bloody made it up themselves!!
spacepants4tw7
My grandma told me to eat the crust of the bread so I would get curly hair. I stopped eating the crust entirely cuz I didn’t want curly hair
tactics3
My parents told us that only who eats the crust would ever be able to whistle.
ClaireAnneN
Always hated the crust and now my hair is curly as hell. What now, grandma
srs00
My parents told me I would find a job I loved and understand things when I'm an adult
TobiasIsQueenMary
My older brother told me his pronounced Adam's apple was my bouncy ball he had swallowed. For years I believed it was stuck there.
JeremyBearimy
That is amazing.
the12thletter
Had a sustained chuckle because of Groundhog Jesus.
LeeroyTheBird
Groundhog Jesus. Thank you for that.
DukeDarkwood
Bill Murray, starring in Groundhog Jesus, where Our Lord relives the Resurrection over and over again.
mydisciplesarelegion
Is Ajit Pai the internet lady?
AnythingMuchShorter
Nah, she retired. He's more like the internet whore.
InTheDistanceAPlaintiveEnglishHorn
if I ate spinach if I get hair?
LeeroyTheBird
My grandpa always said that about every food. I miss him.
trigonman3
It's time to start getting used to tpyos on the internet, sweetie.
ihatemakingusernameswhenallofthemaretaken
my mom always told me if I ate spinach Id grow bigger boobs
Freakscar
Some of them are in the book of "How to survive parenting 101" and some are excerpts from "How to eff up your kids' head in 3 easy steps".
SeredW
And some are in both, probably.
melaqueef3000
Mom pretending to watch son on tv while he's at school is pretty fucked up
trigonman3
Not all that different from Santa who knows when you are bad or good, or Elf on the Shelf who is a peeping psychopath
DonnaNobleInTheLibrary
Brix83
I do both of these things. "That's mine but, we can order some for you too if you want."
myselfasme
Biologically impossible to deny your offspring food when they beg. Better that they not ask for it.
CrocodileDunphy
My momma told me alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush
Ionlysayha
Momma's wrong!
Raiyvi
No Colonel Sanders you're wrong! Momma's right.
LeeroyTheBird
Something must be wrong with his medulla oblongata.
NuiNiuhiNui
Grandpa used to crank the old car over, remove the key, and push the "trunk release button"... while making eye contact. He would then 1/2
NuiNiuhiNui
2/2 actually START the car. I assumed they were related. He must've figured I would try to go joyriding. Found out later he had as a kid.
atleastIwasnt36
I'm confused, how would this prevent joyriding? Honest q
NuiNiuhiNui
It would have popped the truck open IF I had neglected to switch the car off. I could never have backed out of the garage. I think I was 5
AdrianDunne
The rock one has really backfired on the Father now that he has to replace a boulder.
amp99
#3 Ice cream vans only play music when they're out of ice cream.
Iloveanonymityandilovebeingnoticed
You can only get ice cream if he stops at your driveway.
NinjunYen
I was told their prices were too high and we didn't have enough money, so I never bothered asking.
MyPasswordIs1234
Where I'm from they played music to announce their arrival. I don't see any ice cream vans anymore though.
DavidsDungeon
I was always told that it wasn't the ice cream van but the laundry van.
qyrriqat
For me, it was "the music truck". Just a nice man who drove around playing music for people. At least my mom feels guilty about that one.
BatmanRidingANarwhal
There's actually some truth to the vegetables tasting like candy if you eat enough of them.
Flyndaran
Tastes change over time, but mostly from aging, not idiocy like you believe.
BatmanRidingANarwhal
That's both correct and wrong.
Ryanator50
you're right but you don't have to be such an asshole
Flyndaran
What a giant steaming pile of vomitous bullshit. How can such garbage spew from your fingers like that?
SgtPepper131
Nice try mom!
735824
Well if you put a lot of sugar on your asparagus, spinach, peas, lima beans, okra . . . OK then.
CairoLen
No... They'll taste good, but not like candy. Unless you're eating really bad candy.
Ryanator50
I have a friend who still lives with his parents, and always has to eat the most garbage food. I once took him to a steakhouse & he loved it
Flyndaran
Or just really love certain vegetables. I love spinach and Brussels sprouts when slow cooked.
AnythingMuchShorter
I was thinking that. They only taste bad if you're used to sugary artificial foods, or get crappy vegetables.
BatmanRidingANarwhal
Exactly. If you eat healthy and good foods you'll enjoy them alot more which makes it kind of taste like candy. Not literally, but still
gooberhead
vege's can taste sweet if you dont eat sugar otherwise. i find carrots almost too sweet
BatmanRidingANarwhal
Exactly. Basically a healthy diet. (Mostly) but sugar is so common for people (me included) that veggies are bland
Captainplanetmotherfucker
The bacteria in your stomach changes to suit the need of what you're now eating.
TheBestRussian
There are no bacteria in the stomach. If there are, they’re called H. pylori and they give you stomach ulcers.
avavilina
technically true, but you know perfectly well what captainplanetmotherfucker meant, and hes correct about gut bacteria changing with diet
comehomefransbrauder
Couldn't pay me to eat veggies when I was a kid. Now I can't get enough. So, so effing good.
soejmud
Well, as you get older, you taste less, so f.Ex. bitter food is more bearable. Not that I can't agree to good tasting vegetables.
soejmud
I personally believe there's also a psychological response involved. As a kid I sure liked sweets, nowadays I could get so many, but... meh
SailorBOB
We tell our son that Elmo went to bed so he can't watch any more.
terrorfield
My mom told me that suction cup hooks were modern nipple tassels. I don't know why. I believed her. Still no clue why she told me that one.
kingjarren87127001
When thunder scared me as a kid my grandma told me it was just the clouds bumping their head on the sky.
izzmonster
I was told it was the angels bowling.
mazimillion
My mom called pork chops “white steak”.
FilipBarbaric
Why?
SailorBOB
My mom would never let me get a McFlurry saying the icecream machine was broken. To this day i wonder if the whole fucking world is in on it
brickerbrickeronenine
Fucking gold!
PureTechnicality
http://time.com/5011921/mcdonalds-app-broken-ice-cream-machine/
SteevyT
There's a good chance she wasn't wrong.
Iloveanonymityandilovebeingnoticed
My cousin thought happy meals only came w/ toys sometimes. (Aunt took them so she could give her a whole set later.)Believed it til college
AbsolutelyNotADragon
Just want to say I've never once seen the mcflurry machine broken.
603933
Depends on the McDonalds, some of them just dont want to serve/make ice cream, theres one near me thats been "broken" for years
AbsolutelyNotADragon
That's just what they want you to think, it's a conspiracy man!
BrianTheNomad
Are you a unicorn?
CanOnlySayYes
promethbastard
To be fair, that damn machine is broken a lot.
Creyton
One time, the machine actually worked but there were no cups...The world just hates me.
Scotticus93
No cups in the restaurant at all?
Creyton
Not the sundae ones. They couldn't serve it in any of the others since they're the wrong size. (I only had enough money for a sundae)
TheS4ndm4n
No, the ice cream machine is really always broken.
ThatWeirdPotterhead
As a McDonald's employee it's very rare that it's broken. More likely the hot chocolate machine.
SailorBOB
She got to you too!
Zaranthan
TimeRyderAndTheChronoTeens
No, she didn't get to us, she got to the mcdonalds employees, so they would actually break the machine.
SailorBOB
I wouldn't put it past her. She tended to overreact a lot.
TimeRyderAndTheChronoTeens
Five bucks and a free BJ is five bucks and a free BJ.
LongCommentChainAppreciator
Couldn't get a milkshake recently, maybe they know I AM a 24 yo manchild?
Kitastrophe
When I was 2 or 3 I broke my collar bone. I can't remember why, but the nurse felt he needed to lie to get me to get x rayed. He told me we
Kitastrophe
were 'going to go see santa' which I distinctly remember being irritated by, cuz, like, what? Is there a santa sticker on the x ray machine?
Kitastrophe
What is this guy even talking about? There isn't even a sticker, is he stupid or something? He still believes in santa! Didn't occur to me
Kitastrophe
he wasn't stupid, just lying for YEARS. It also took me a while to figure out that an age limit on Santa prolly meant things about santa...
Fakenrite
Dome light because it blinds the driver of the car, not the other drivers around you. When I started driving discovered it was 100% true.
darksamus8
My mother told me that people who dyed their hair fun colors were bad people because they clearly hated what God gave them and changed it.
ILoveTomHiddleston
Omg wtf. I have my hair in funny colors... But i promise i don't hate god. I don't really believe in him, no hate thk.
Brix83
This could be turned back on her in so many directions that would likely unsettle her. I was a very logical kid and my mom stopped trying >
Brix83
> to lie to me about things when I picked the lies apart and started asking questions.
LannistersSendTheirRetards
I never understood ice cream trucks. They drive by at 10-15 mph so by the time I'd convince my parents to let me have some, the guy would
LannistersSendTheirRetards
be gone. And it also doesn't make sense to me how they profit. How many kids have to buy ice cream to create a profit? Cause profit needs to
LannistersSendTheirRetards
cover gas, insurance, his wage, and more ice cream. He must be buying them for waaaaay less than he's selling. Still doesn't make sense.
ResemblingRemarks
Ice cream and drugs, clearly.
Dayrest
GTA anyone?
litgeek306
Have you ever looked at the prices at an ice cream truck? It would be hard to buy the ice cream for anywhere close to the same price.
astrangehop
The cost of the ice creams is literally pennies a pop and each one is a few bucks. You make enough to stay afloat some summer days
astrangehop
and a few grand at festivals. Sell a hundred ice creams make 300 before gas.
TanstaaflTovarisch
People that complain about the white lies told to kids don't have kids.
InTheDistanceAPlaintiveEnglishHorn
I was a kid.
originalBabewiththePower
I'm currently pregnant with my first and taking notes from this post.
EroticZombiePants
I have no kids and enjoy these twisted mind games.
Flyndaran
I was looking for the liar justifying their actions. Hi, liar.
ILoveTomHiddleston
I have no kids, and i never want kids, but everytime i read these it's like, uuh good idea, imma save that in my brain just in case.
Brix83
I tell my kids the truth and explain anything they don't understand. I've not had issues with misbehavior or begging. It's sometimes easier>
Brix83
> to lie but, in the long run, I feel like they'll have more benefit from know what's going on. I sometimes run them through critical >
Brix83
> thinking scenarios where they listen to a story I've made up and tell me if it could or could not be true and why. I encourage them to >
Brix83
> make up their own stories as well to help them with creativity. I want them to know the differences between truths, tales and lies.
DonnaNobleInTheLibrary
Messing with kids ... okay. But some of those aren't white lies any more, they are a very, very dark grey.
choobaca34
Dark white*
trigonman3
*half empty glass of gray milk
AstronautChicken
I'm a parent and some of these ARE kind of yeeeeeeeesh.
FortheChellofit
Anything with some malevolent entity "taking a child away" for misbehaving is.... yeesh.
CunningLingu1st
The rice one and kittens dieing irked me a little
TheZulthar
Like the beer and doritos
DukeDarkwood
"Broke his back for some milk and cookies... sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped!" -The Lord of Lynwood
PetahOsiris
The 10,000 words a month one seems like a great way to create anxiety disorders
Brucecori2
The dad telling the kid "Careful you're at 9000 words!" Is an a-hole who just doesn't want to hear his kid talk.
melaqueef3000
I mean nah sometimes kids don't shut the fuck up and you need a break but this doesn't seem to be a great way to deal with it
AstronautChicken
I agree that there needs to be a set quiet time because sanity is important for parents, but yeah this is a dick way to go about it.
thoushaltnotpass
The only one I've ever used is the one about coke that he wouldn't like. Most of the others are too big for me.
ctennessen
#1 the saying was that it caused glare for the DRIVER. Not the other drivers
naytorin
Which is... Not false.
Arcanum3000
Right, this, and it's generally harder to see out of a bright space into a dark space.
BrontTheGoodBoy
Wait, is that the legit reason? Because that's what I've always been told, and now I don't know what's true or false.
ctennessen
That's the argument my dad and mom both used. I'd why anyone would think it effects the other cars driving
Felderburg
Drive around at night with your dome light off, then have someone turn it on and find out!
Ireallylikepuzzles
Well that's kinda true
ctennessen
The glare and it can be pretty distracting. RED lights reduce glare though
TheFeralDog
Not inside the vehicle they don't you still see it in the window and it's distracting.
SteevyT
I do love the red back lighting on the gauges in my car.
ctennessen
Both my 80s bmws use all red back lighting for everything. My VW uses bright blue. I prefer the red
ctennessen
Oh hey cool you build foamcore RC! I used to do that, and corroplast
EverythingIsAwful
As an adult who has their own car I still don’t understand why my parents got so angry about the light
0100000101001101
As a parent now myself, I think it's more likely the chance that it'll get forgotten and left on.
FilipBarbaric
Because that can descrease your concetration and possibly cause car crash.
astrangehop
A lot of older cars had the dome light right between the sunshades. on newer cars Dome is further back and "map lights" are very directional
astrangehop
Though it's possible your parents were just irate at you needing a light.
Morg729
My dad told me I had to pick my feet up in the car going over railroad or they'll get cut off and i had to hold my breath passing 1/2
Assfullofbread
I still instinctively lift my feet when I cross a railroad
McmatyevakaM2
and duck your head under bridges...
UltraBooster
Been doing that all my life
Morg729
Graveyards or the dead would steal it 2/2
LeeroyTheBird
I've heard the one about holding your breath by a graveyard. Childhood friend used to do it.
corpseoftaloy
We can't have the dome light on in the car because I'm the driver and I fucking said so.
babababaBirdbirdbirdbirdistheword
But whhyyyyyy?
TheLoneWandererOfTheWaste
My mom told me it couldn’t be on because it was illegal. D:
TheFeralDog
It legit makes it a lot harder to see outside, not a lie and the real reason
DickDastardly404
My dad always said it made distracting reflections on the inside of the screen. I’m learning to drive myself, and damn if he wasn’t right.
coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool
Holy shit. I just realized how I tell my girlfriend to shut it off because ... we're just not supposed to. Wow. Some things u just do eh
karben
Its obnoxious to boot.
mechanimated
My dad just told me it reflected in his rearview and made it hard to drive?? Why lie about this...
applesforjuice
I don't think anyone ever lied about this, I think kids misunderstood
karben
This is a truth bro.
ivyquinn87
I got told it was illegal to have it on.
MissSparks
Always told the same thing.
RingRingRingRingRingRingRingBananaPhone
I got told the same thing.
SuicidalRubberDucky
I’m still not sure if it’s illegal or not...
hyperkatt
It's illegal somewhere. Whether you live where it's actually illegal or not I wouldn't know but it's bad to see either way.
deamonsatwar
I just found out at 26 that it isn't illegal. My dad's an ass
ivyquinn87
We've all been lied to. Our lives are a sham.
Idontcheckfacts
I'm 33 and still believe this.
ivyquinn87
Im 30 and still think this. I don't even drive.
Idontcheckfacts
Did we just become best friends .
ivyquinn87
The bestest
cheeseguy3412
My dad just yelled 'NO' ... went on for years. If he'd just told me why, I would have shut up. Instead, I thought he was just being an ass.
Alozar
He WAS being an ass.
FortheChellofit
The most important thing with these kind of situations is to EXPLAIN why! A child who is told touching the stove burns them is less likely >
FortheChellofit
> to touch it than a child who is just told not to do it. Humans are curious! They need reasons!!
Poseidoposeido
Because you are the driver and having light inside the vehicle makes your pupils smaller, impeding the correct vision outside the car
Articate
umbrellamaker
That's what my parents told me
nerdmatic
Serious, not to mention the reflections.
whoopsywoo
"I cant see the road very well"
aiwant2tc
This
Scotticus93
My mom said it made it hard for her to see the road and turn it off so we don't crash. So. I did lol
strangelyaddicting
Right. Good. Tell that to a 5 year old. Or say "it's illegal and you'll get in trouble". Your call.
mzxrules
simple: I can't see the road with the light on, and I don't want to hit something I can't see and die.
SlanderBox
That's what I tell my kids.
DonnaNobleInTheLibrary
Why not say "we can't have the lights on because it stops mum from seeing other cars and we might crash and die"?
kkus
I can't wait for self driving cars...
kkus
I will be the first one to vote for banning human drivers from driving
[deleted]
[deleted]
SpoonOfDoom
People often severely underestimate kids' ability to understand things - or are just too lazy to explain stuff to them.
Poseidoposeido
this
pilojo
Shh, people like lying to their children. There's no way to practically demonstrate it so they understand it./s
Catumi
Teaching the science behind it is the best way since you don't lose trust and they learn something win/win!
SuckAnElf
Yup. Same here. My kid understands why we can’t have the light on in the car, he’s 4. The 2 year old hasn’t asked yet.
CSharpShooter
In Illinois it is illegal to have interior lights on according to the rules of the road book.
Zoomoth9000
Not to mention glare on the windshield.
KirkLinklater
While comical, I feel this is how some people lose their children’s trust.
petekron
And that is precisely one of the reasons why I hate my parents.
Flyndaran
Ditto, but even suggesting you won't lie to your children about silly things like magical bunnies and Santa gets horrified looks.
ANUS2K14
Kids think their parents know everything so parents use that to manipulate their kids into compliance, seems like a pretty bad lesson.
crinklecutcheesywhatsit
My parents never did anything like this for that very reason. I appreciate it.
vn70072
Or at the very least, end up teaching a bad lesson about lies of convenience.
Buskid1
I totally agree. It's so very hard for me to ever lie to my nephews and nieces, even on 'harmless' stuff. Nephew always comes to me 4 truth.
squirrelgirl86
The Easter one is damn funny though.
ImgurCouncilOfLlamas
"And if he doesn't see his shadow, he goes and puts teeth under everybody's pillow." "Grandma, are you off your nut?"
whatupmyknitters
i was told some really ridiculous/silly stuff when i was a kid, but i would not say that any of that has caused trust issues with my parents
whatupmyknitters
--if anything i just laugh at it now. maybe it'd be different if the truth to fantastical fib ratio were different.
bellaluna
My dad told me that watermelon seeds would grow in my stomach if I swallowed them and I don't have trust issues. Keep lies age appropriate.
SlipperyToast
My grandma told me that same fib but it was about apple seeds so I avoided eating them with extreme caution as a kid
bellaluna
And now look at you, totally free of apple trees growing in your belly. Way to go, grandma!
SlipperyToast
Very true, crisis averted!