IambeHeqit
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Listen up Liberals, I'm a Bible believing Christian!
This should be "listen up NEO-liberals" really, but I'll take it
Mostly just saving these for future reference
krissco
I like the seraphim in #2. Quite the conversation starter!
ItHappenedInThe20thCentury
nice stuff in here, +1
jp189512
#3 so many people seem to believe he's white cause that fucking painting
GoldFrieza
pattyymac
Does that mean when we get communion we are casting commune? Is this DnD?
meatmanbrutananadilewski
#1... who wants to tell him?
ILikedTheirOldStuffBetter
CodyBurkett
Niiiice.
somethingawesomeandgreat
#5 judas doesnt distance himself
hesadeadmann
#2 I am going to make this now
IambeHeqit
Show us the results!
thereitis101
Jewish camp around 14 years old. Rabbi told boys that masturbation is a sin. Kid raised hand and asked, “so, what are supposed to do?”
IambeHeqit
Love thy neighbor??
youcantgiveAbabybooze
Going to have to make one of those angels for my tree next year, it's amazing
IambeHeqit
Isn't it great? Ought to be a way to make it shout "FEAR NOT" whenever anyone walks by too
numnumz
#4 whats the answer? I wanna know
IambeHeqit
G-d knows, but apparently He's not telling. Maybe we're not ready yet?
ThatAintRightItsAllLeft
Just remember...
ItHappenedInThe20thCentury
I'm a fundamentalist. Only Ctrl-S saves.
Voxnobilus
#2 man if I could buy that that would be on my tree
IambeHeqit
Right? I'm not talented enough to make it but I would buy that in a heartbeat
CoJayW
I was taught that when St Patrick drove out the “snakes” it was an euphemism for Protestants. Catholic Schools of course.
IambeHeqit
That's even more impressive of him, since technically there wouldn't be any Protestants for another 1,000 years yet
OxygenTheif
amishjosh
Man, I hope the ravens leave my mustard seeds alone, I enjoy making my own mustards
wabbittwax
Pro-tip: standard candles burn too hot for BDSM play so definitely don’t use the hannukah ones unless you wanna go to the ER
hunbjornspiserjordbaer
So definitely NOT a mitzvah.
IambeHeqit
This sounds like the voice of experience speaking
mikeatike
#1 ok, im listening
OxygenTheif
Unfortunately the one time people went all in on the shared wealth thing people got greedy and screwed it up. Still, generosity is imporant.
OxygenTheif
Spelling however.... *glares at "imporant"*
therandombagofmeat
IambeHeqit
LOVE THIS, totally stealing it
hunbjornspiserjordbaer
Mason jar wine. Now I’ve seen it all.
MyWalkingPetunias
Jesus on the cross always seemed to have a 6 pack ..
hunbjornspiserjordbaer
Being a carpenter, he probably did.
OxygenTheif
Constantly traveling on foot for three years, yeah he was probably thin but in decent shape.
IambeHeqit
CrossFit™
hunbjornspiserjordbaer
That was soooo bad. Brilliant though.
IambeHeqit
I only wish I could remember who I stole it from! It's SO bad, but I couldn't resist.
darkhalfbreed
Jesus was definetly brown, but how do we know he didn't have long hair?
hunbjornspiserjordbaer
We don’t really know how brown- look at the skin tone of Jordanians, Lebanese and Syrians. This is the skin tone he would have likely had.
gnochi
At the time, the documented custom for Jewish men was a Caesar cut - neither long nor shaven, unless under a Nazarite vow. It is unlikely...
gnochi
That Jesus was under such a vow, since he drank alcohol and touched corpses, both of which were strictly forbidden.
gnochi
1 Cor 11:14 also identifies long hair as being shameful, and I imagine that Paul, for all his faults, wouldn’t write such a thing when...
gnochi
People who would have met Jesus were still alive, if Jesus had long hair.
darkhalfbreed
Thank you, this is definitely information to process. I'm not too knowledgeable about customs of his time and appreciate the input
DrArsMoriendi
Judas' crime was kissing Jesus in front of the crowd, so the soldiers knew Jesus was the teacher they were looking for.
mastodonj
Have you heard of the concept of humour?
DrArsMoriendi
That's what's in the gall bladder, right?
ItHappenedInThe20thCentury
Don't be daft. Only one of the humours is there, we all know that.
IambeHeqit
True, but I like to imagine him just being uncomfortably kissy and awkward in general
[deleted]
[deleted]
IambeHeqit
So extra
GuestChrist
I wonder if he said "No homo".
IambeHeqit
No erastes, maybe?
Brhino
#6 the snakes are a metaphor for pagans.
xMalkav
Never forget, kids, St. Patrick is a traitor who massacred his own people and destroyed their history. Now drink your green beer.
IambeHeqit
I'm not sure he got all of those
darkhalfbreed
They all scurried back when he died
IambeHeqit
Pesky, persistent little buggers
Undrave
*Laughs in Druid*
IambeHeqit
The trees are alive...with DRUIDS
iamthisguy247
#3 - “he’s a darn foreigner! We want to see your birth certificate!”
psychologisttheologist
Say..."shibboleth"
AdnanFox
Tubal Kain
IambeHeqit
"Sibbolet- wait, no, hold on!"
IambeHeqit
"Are you documented?!?" *Jesus slams huge Biden bible on table* "THOROUGHLY"
OmNachoMama
Well done! I laughed out loud
ourari
"Oi, treat the bible with some respect!"
IambeHeqit
"I AM THE WORD MADE FLESH"
WhenIGrowUpIWannaBeAnAardvark
Excuse me, but this is a Wendy's.
IambeHeqit
"No, this is Patrick"
CrazierConspiraciesThanTrump
I remember one time in institute. I asked why is every picture of Jesus white? And my teacher said. "Whites have been around since the -
hunbjornspiserjordbaer
In institute? Like kid’s church?
CrazierConspiraciesThanTrump
Institute in the LDS church is a young adult/college class. Some high schoolers go. But mainly its college students
hunbjornspiserjordbaer
Gotcha- not as familiar with LDS but to understand now. Thanks:)
CrazierConspiraciesThanTrump
Beginning of time" and I said 'but Jesus was in Africa at the very least he should be brown not white.' And my institute teacher said-
someboreddude
I agree with your overall point, but I have to point the Holy Land is not in Africa. It's in Asia.
CrazierConspiraciesThanTrump
No matter where we believe it is. Can we agree it would never have been in Jackson County Missouri? That place is a shit hole!
someboreddude
Oh yes, definitely.
hunbjornspiserjordbaer
Logic is right & good on you to question. The realistic skin tone would be akin to strains, Lebanese and really, Jordanians (since Jordan
hunbjornspiserjordbaer
*syrians. Autocorrect just has to sneak in there.
hunbjornspiserjordbaer
Was part of greater Israel before Jesus’ time) they range from light olive to a darker tones but not quite to that of central Africa.
CrazierConspiraciesThanTrump
'Yes but Christ is holy and thats why he's white. After all adam and eve were white.' I asked how did he know. He said and I quote! -
CrazierConspiraciesThanTrump
'Because in Jackson County they're majority white there.' And thats when I realized I was in a fucking cult and never went to church again.
YoungChuckNorris
ayyyyy, a fellow exmo!
IambeHeqit
YIKES. The explicit connection between white, majority, and holy is just...unholy, in short.
ThenIDefyYouStars
Found the Mormons!! I belieeeve that the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouriii.
APointlessBee
This is good religious humor.
somethingstupidandclever
I like how the last one makes no sense but all the sense. 99 problems but the trinity is def 3 my guy
IambeHeqit
I love how you have to read it two ways. Its duality, if you will.
IambeHeqit
I thought so - glad you agree!
NapoleonDynOmite
Definitely. I had to search 3 terms from your post. Good job!
IambeHeqit
The more you know, the more jokes you get!
MyCommentsUsuallyHaveTypos
Yeah I'd like to see more
IambeHeqit
I'll see what I can do - I should have a lot more on my phone
MyCommentsUsuallyHaveTypos
Yes! Thank you! I know weekly or monthly posts of specific meme categories are very popular on ImgUr. Yay internet points!
IambeHeqit
They're a blast!
MyCommentsUsuallyHaveTypos
Can't wait for your next :) I'm going to follow you
MyCommentsUsuallyHaveTypos
Wait, no :( Can you DM me when your next goes up? Growing up my relatives were multi-religious so religion memes are especially funny to me
azazyel
St. Brigid of Ireland transformed her bathwater into beer for a visiting (and presumably very thirsty) clergyman.
airbreather
OMG I read that as “birthwater” and was horrified.
PixelSprite64
IambeHeqit
Who knew the "drink your bath water" thing had such a long & prestigious history??
sturmhauke
Is she the patron saint of thotty camgirls?
Undrave
She sure is now!
SirSmurfalot
A real miracle, that one.
scout48cav
He wasn’t the only one thirsty.
skolyr
Real gross joke I'm ashamed at myself for thinking of: You can't just add yeast to water and call it beer.
Undrave
OH GOD!
IambeHeqit
OMG ?
Sunamonster
12Badgers2MushroomsAndASnake
Solid.
DogNostrilSpecialist
Prayer girl bathwater
DignamWhenAskedaQuestion
" Thirsty "
IambeHeqit
In ALL senses, yep
merelyadequategooglymoogly
My elementary school was named for her, but they never mentioned this part.
IambeHeqit
Funny, can't imagine why...
IhaveAgunNotHereButIhaveOne
I mean, Jesus turned water into wine - what's the difference?
amoeba15
Probably the dirt and soap
DragothMP5
The kind of hangover that you get
wombatmcgee
Did I miss the part of the wedding at Cana where Jesus used his own bathwater to make wine?
IhaveAgunNotHereButIhaveOne
Oh wait, did I miss that? ?
bloodydingo
I actually would be interested in that biblically accurate xmas tree angel.
Haddadnj
Same
[deleted]
[deleted]
IambeHeqit
YES
fearlessfloyd
The rabbi's response is great!
thelegendofthetwistednavigator
I had a few that would say that and then pause and say "actually, that's an interesting question" and start digging into a dozen sources
FrenziiTheSuccubus
Instead of my usual angry responses to stupidity, I should just quote him lol.
IambeHeqit
GO FOR IT
Howdoyoulikedemapples
Rabbi's response - also me every time my 2 year old speaks
IambeHeqit
Right? I just picture the rabbi thinking "can't you save this stuff for Hillel, I'm just trying to get this done in time to eat"
Learningtobecomfy
Since Hannukah is in commemoration of the maccabbees and not in the holy books, it's neither. There. Rabbi - rejuvinated.
IambeHeqit
Ooooooh look at Solomon splitting the difference here! ?
jimfalconer611
Oy vey, meshugenah!
painttheworldblue36
Lol love that reply, got a good belly laugh out of me!
Tyanet
“This is why I never come to your family’s Seder”
4TheSDMB2C
'If the afikomen is hidden in kashruth edible underwear, is it eating it treyf or a mitzvah?'
Soufange
I need to know what these words mean. Please....
Rule1TheDoctorLies
afikomen= special matza eaten at passover. kashruth= kosher. treyf = not kosher. mitzvah = divinely commanded action. hope that helps!
JackSmiles2
ok but like. . . .does anyone know what the answer to the question is <.
ArkoneAxon
Honest answer? Jewish teachings hold that sex for married couples, after midnight or on the sabbath, is akin to a prayer. So... yeah. ;)
TinyBadger101
I know, right? It's actually a halachically valid question!
MikeKeyser
the cheap Catholic prayer candles with the soft wax in the tall glass votive are the best. the melting point is very low and safe...
MikeKeyser
and you get so much for the money. what a deal.
sinskittles
Hanukkah doesn't really mean anything as it's not actually in the Torah. So really it's just tradition you'd be messing about with.
SirWadeWilson
TRADITION!
OxygenTheif
Menorahs are symbolic of the lanterns of the temple, though, so the question is about whether the menorah is still mikvot, right?
sinskittles
Only if it was in The Temple? Otherwise it's not of particular importance I think?