theoxfordcomma
27523
1315
13
# diabolical
TrinDiesel
#22 How about you stick to fucking with people you KNOW, and not random retail workers that don't get paid enough to deal with your shit.
etcnotect
I just realized last week that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade is saying to make the best of bad things. I never realized that because lemons are great.
GrowinWildontheFunnyFarm
#9 Unfortunately it's an man with 34 charges and counting, plus a cult
sarahsaurroar
I was 12 when I learned that chickens in Florida do in fact have wings. My mom just ate both wings from the fried chicken bucket on the way home and lied about it. My uncle (from England) believed the same lie. XD
JadeNB1729
#27 Common mistake. Many people believe that Australian horses are poisonous. Actually, they're venomous.
Zixtank
#21 I haven't laughed that hard in ages. Thanks.
smilefromaveil
Indy Anal Jones and the Temple of Poon is my favorite.
SumOneElse
#22 I don't get the last on here.
AngurProne
Me either. I do like to look just past someone's shoulder when they speak w me, sometimes. And variants of this. Look over and raise your eyebrows. Etc.
behrditz
Its a nonsense word, the joke is that youre saying nonsense to someone.
MisanthropicMath
#15 My ex did that!
meganical
You made the right choice
TyrannoNerdusRex
#27 probably venomous AND poisonous.
zerogiven
We honestly don't know. Australian horses MAY be poisonous, but to find out, someone would have to eat one, and the horse always kills the aggressor with their venom first.
geoffreyfourmyle
#15 I'm going to refer y'all to Josh Johnson's bit: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C51GFQ3gmfS/?igsh=MWx0azZ2dnRkcml6cQ==
fastlaserjockey
Truly one of my favorite comedians currently. Such a great story teller, perfect balance of topical and timeless in the act, and comes at things from such a wierd angle sometimes.
kerms
#20 Bout to launch this duke-lear missile
CeterumCenseo
nuc-u-lar, it's pronounced nuc-u-lar!
copperdomebodhi
#1 If you try to pass gas every time you use the bathroom, you're much less likely to fart in front of other people.
EroticZombiePants
Yeah, but what's the fun in that?
Omni21
We called wasps "waspers." Mom also said the white stuff on some plants in the woods was snake spit. My husband has me on video stating this as a fact. Boy it was a water boy moment for me when I learned that was absolute bullshit.
GoblinTit
My Mom used to tell the "policemen don't have balls" urban legend as an actual story that happened to her. Years later, she conveniently does not remember doing this.
DavidBrooker
I was was one of the people that shoved paper into backpack without folder or binder, and today I'm a physics professor at a big research university. Although it's worth noting that I did get an ADHD diagnosis, and medication, in the intervening years.
DavidBrooker
On a somewhat related note, I also happen to know that among those 'harmless fake items', there are many places where if you asked for '3D graph paper', they'd hand you an isometric drawing pad, which used to be pretty common in engineering, architecture and industrial design.
hhggg3000
I pronounce German and Germany with a hard “G” sound. Also, inspired by a meme I now pronounce testicles, spectacles etc… like Hercules. Oh, and I say Godzilla instead of god bless you when people sneeze I think that is also a memes fault.
Rovylern
#23 3D graph paper does exist. It can either be isometric (triangular) grid, or it can be a grid of blue lines offset from a grid of red lines. I teach my students how to use isometric graph paper and I have some red/blue grid paper that I’ve never done anything with.
Silkyninja1
#21 The Bare Wench Project
RedBeard747
that rapper destroyed my crapper
ShimmerinStrider
That guy's dead wife is very popular.
eadanke
Imagine living a normal peaceful life, then getting non-stop occult sexual solicitations in the afterlife because your husband loved you.
marthafarquar
#2 We were having French onion soup as a starter at a big family dinner when my niece asked someone to pass the cheesy scrotums, as that was what her dad had always called cheese croutons.
Nykidemus
Tuppence442
#16 Maybe I'm just British, but isn't ca-ram-el the correct pronunciation of the word?
DrZombie1983
There are some places in North America where CARmul is what they say.
SueSueDio
Yeah, they call it that in my part of Canada. I'm British so it confuses me at times!
behrditz
Im pretty sure they mean "cuh-RAM-el" Stressing it like the way Americans say the animal, not the "ruh" i imagine youre thinking.
meganical
I always thought cancer made people lose their hair and it was not until I was an adult that I learned it was actually a result of chemotherapy. I just assumed the person’s cells were dying and hair cells were like super weak and the first thing to deteriorate. Then again, my mom had to bluntly tell me that my aunt was a lesbian when I was 20 and I have never felt dumber in my life for not having noticed ALL the signs sooner because everything made sense when I learned that
Salpinus
Like why she had a girlfriend?
tyrsfavoritesword
They were roommates!
BritaThePurifier
#3 reminds me of my gram and her love of the song "Rosie" by Jackson Browne. She thought it was such a pretty song, and she played it for her church group. My dad explained to her that it was about going home alone and cranking your own hog. She was mortified.
feryooday
#23 I had a regular who would order this. she still wanted all the meat/veggies that normally went in the omelet and wanted the potatoes that came with it. idfk. the cooks pulled it off somehow and she was happy and would come back week after week
Klaxun
There is a plant based egg replacement called Just Egg that makes a great eggless omelet. I honestly can't tell the difference.
feryooday
That’s cool! I have doubts it’ll be at restaurants but cool to know it exists
AllRicksAreJerrys
At McD's we'd get people ordering a Big Mac with no bun - just the patties with all the toppings in the Styrofoam box. Back then I didn't understand but now I'm pretty sure it's because of food allergies. And yes, I'm Styrofoam boxes at McD's old.
feryooday
the eggless omelet that is.
meganical
So, a hash?
feryooday
Except they were cubed potatoes, not hash browns. so kinda but not really. I have no idea. she’d just order the omelet no eggs.
KingXizor
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ah4tW-k8Ao
feryooday
lol. beautiful. except the customer didn’t want egg whites. just… the omelettes non-egg ingredients. so it was ham, pepper, onion, and maybe spinach? it’s been a while. not just the parsley garnish haha. still, great skit, very appropriate
TheFontSnob
#14 This is one of the best parts of being a dad. Last week I was talking about how much fun this is and gave "Nintendo PlayStation" as an example. My 22 YO couldn't stop himself from reacting.
GreaseMonkeyOfLove
Technically… the Nintendo Playstation is a real thing…
thechelonianshelmet
Playstation 360 was az fun one.
tantallous
i don't usually call things other things, but i do like to say the words wrong to mess with my son, does that count?
MrsHowVeryDareYou
I call any electronic game thing “Nintendo” including phone games. Husband and I still say “Xbox, pause” even though we no longer have an Xbox, nor does the tv have verbal commands activated.
captapathy
“I’m gonna post my pokeymans to the tickle tok.”
MrsHowVeryDareYou
Tickle-tok is going into rotation!
reichstein
Or just add "the" and "s" to the start and end. The Playstations, The Switches. It works even better for apps/social-media. The TikToks, The Twitters, The YouTubes.
Imaynotbehere4long
"The Playstations" could still accidentally make sense if you have ones from multiple console generations (PS5, PS4, PS3, etc.).
reichstein
True. I suppose that just means that you need to call it "The Gamestations". Or maybe "The Microsoft Playstations".
waddyaknowjoe
I like to call out from department store fitting rooms "Hey — you're all out of toilet paper in here."
EmporerDragon
You may joke, but there's a depressingly large amount of people who do use the fitting rooms as bathrooms.
waddyaknowjoe
IKR?
Fishy820
I always get a laugh when I see the last one.
SecondSince
it's one of the all time classics!
thekeyofe
I also choose this joke about the dead wife.
CityYeti
That guy still talks about his dead wife.
wraiththefourth
You've got to wonder how phil8248 feels about everyone wanting to fuck his dead wife.
LittleLordThudleroy
It's great but everyone tries to shoehorn this reference in everywhere they can and that shit has gotten old.
JackHL01
like wine, right?
YeroctheBarbarian
I like to call taking a dump “going to kill the pope”.
MrToday
Sending a fax to Washington
SweatyNuts
Releasing the hostages.
Yellowchopsticks
freeing the sewer dolphins
unluckyandbored
I like to call it "taking the Browns to the Super Bowl"...
TronLives
Taking the Browns to the Superbowl
edkoch
Gotta see a man about a horse.
rockhydra
Bombing saddam.
Rezol
Going to connect to the fiber net
captapathy
“Committing wage theft by pooping on company time”
jammer909
Sitting on the porcelain throne.
TronLives
Dropping the kids off at the pool
zerogiven
Bunhyung
Dropping the Trump kids off at the pool
UnoriginalPieceOfRepeatingShit
"I have to return a video tape"
YeroctheBarbarian
Kids: What’s a video tape?
DidItForScience
I don't understand this reference. ;_;
jammer909
That's a funny thing to say when you're gonna take a shit.
RayneOfSalt
ejecting the warp core.
YeroctheBarbarian
Oh that’s a good one I’m stealing it.
Samthetrue
If you can get to it before he flushes it, go for it...
RayneOfSalt
jesus christ 😂
woozle
I learned that cinnamon trees are pretty big and not a bunch of sticks/stalks.
Endocrom
Cashews come with a whole fruit per nut.
PanickedShrieking
IIRC the fruit is at least somewhat caustic
Meltemi
And conversely, asparagus grown commercially for agricultural production really looks like that top to bottom instead of like wild plant bushes; those aren't just branches or bits of stem harvested from a larger plant. It looks like someone bought stalks in a grocery and put them out as a prank.
ProgeriaProstitutes
I think sprouts grow weirdly
etcnotect
You're eating a shoot, after you let it grow it looks like this
DidItForScience
I learned that rhubarb can grow so fast that you can hear it. https://www.foodrepublic.com/1332068/forced-rhubarb-fruit-fast-growth-noises/
Kehy
fucking rhubarb- if i never see, smell, or taste it again, I will be happy. Do you know how many otherwise perfectly fine dishes I've had to avoid because my mother/grandmother kept trying to 'hide' the fucking rhubarb in stuff to use it up? Hate the stuff- it grows like absolute crazy here
stxae9ud9x101
I actually bought a house just so I could kill the rhubarb patch ( was going to buy it anyways but damn that was good) . Had the same ptsd it seems.
CeterumCenseo
Was she named Barbara?
AbsolutelyDramaticNutjob
Once it is growing, you can't kill it without removing the roots. You can hurt it all you like, rhubarb does not care. Growing big and fast is all it gives a damn about and it will do it just to spite you.
DidItForScience
Probably not as bad as bamboo or blackberries though.
Kehy
No, my family has big rhubarb and it only gets like 5' total, with 2' leaf. But once it's established, it does not want to leave. It's mostly stalk and leaf coming from rhizome or tuber in ground, not vining or rambling like blackberries. It doesn't spread like bamboo either. It just won't go away though
AbsolutelyDramaticNutjob
We have rhubarb and black raspberries on our property. Black raspberries will grow anywhere birds have pooped out their seeds, and they can take a weed whacking, growing in gravel, being kicked, run over, having scrap dropped on them. But god forbid you try to transplant them, goddamn dramatic bastards die within days.
Cindex1337
Hate makes them grow. After learning this, I did an experiment. I planted four rhubarb "bulbs" of equal size quite close to one another, all in equally shitty soil. One of them I would just fuck with. I'd throw stuff at it, kick it, even swear at it and tell it that it sucked.
It's the largest one, by far. I started doing it to another one (the third plant in the line) and not the other two. The next year, the two I left alone had died.
Fucking weird plants.
Cindex1337
Sometimes I still throw shit at them. Idk why they love it so much but I swear they grow faster....