Beginner's Guide to Actual Poutine

[Homemade] Poutine

Hey guys, I recently got into a stupid debate with someone on what constitutes an actual Quebecois poutine, and rather than sinking to their level (downvoting heinously from multiple fake accounts), I figured I'd give everyone an introduction into what makes a poutine a real poutine, rather than just "loaded fries".

This picture above is a true blue Quebecker poutine. Why? We'll deconstruct the elements, but you can see the fundamentals clearly here. Thick, square cut, deeply browned fries? Check. Copious amounts of raw cheddar cheese curds? Check. A stupid generous pouring of sauce brune (mind you, not gravy, but a particular kind of gravy)? Triple check.

That's it, that's all, fuck 'em all, osti. You got these three elements, you got a poutine. Of course, it's not just about the ingredients, but about ratios and technique. Let's get into it!

A proper poutine NEEDS raw cheddar cheese curds. In French they're called "fromage en grain", "crotte de fromage" (snot cheese), or "fromage squish squish" (do i really need to translate that?). This is 99.999% non-negotiable. It's what separates proper Quebec poutine from its many anglo-Canadian cousins.

Grated mozzarella is a weak substitute - acceptable, but thoroughly disappointing. Orange cheddar is right out. You can add other cheeses (in fact, you are thoroughly encouraged to), but it is the raw cheese curds that are the heart and soul of a poutine. Leave them out, and you're makin disco fries (which are good, duh, but not poutine).

Many Quebeckers will insist that it has to be Quebec-made cheese curds, but that is being fussy. As long as they're white, fresh, and squeak when you bite into 'em, you're off to the right start.

The sauce is something that's often gotten wrong even in other parts of Canada. I had a delicious poutine at Czehoski once in Toronto.... but it was made with a thin beef gravy. Delicious? Yes. Correct? God no.

Poutine sauce is often called "sauce brune" (brown sauce), which is different than gravy (which is called "bouillon" in French). It's made from a mixture of beef and chicken stock heavily reduced into a roux to create a thick, goopy gravy slightly more drinkable than Elmer's glue.

This is where we take a moment to discuss ratios, which are make-or-break for a poutine. Quebeckers don't drizzle sauce, nor do they heartily spoon it. A proper poutine should be SWIMMING in sauce - DROWNING in it is even better. It's not a plate of fries with sauce; it's a plate of sauce with fries.

Can you use different sauces? Fuck yeah! There's an incredible seafood poutine at the W hotel in Montreal that kicks out the sauce brune for a creamy chowder-like sauce. That's cool (because the fries are right and the curds make the grade). Butter chicken poutine is also a crazy delicious variation that's taken off in years, and so long as the sauce is copious and the curds squeak, then Jai Ho, mon ami. Breakfast poutines often use a combo of sauce brune and hollandaise, or just hollandaise, but once again, it's the trifecta that makes the dish pass the test.

And for the record, I'm not just pimping St. Hubert sauces here: I don't know many people that actually bother to make their sauce from scratch, so this is actually the standard. If you want to make yours from scratch, or don't live in la belle province, Serious Eats actually has a pretty legit recipe you can find here: http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2015/04/quick-easy-poutine-recipe.html

The only problem with their recipe? You should be able to tell by now... waaaaaaay too little sauce. But we can't all be perfect.

The fries are deceptively important. The classic style uses thick, square cut rustic fries like these above (although they could be a little more fried). This isn't by accident. See, poutine is a journey. From the moment it's made and put in front of you (most likely at 4am after a night of binge drinking), until you finally manage to shovel the caloric carb-load down, your poutine is gonna evolve.

Phase one is pleasant: crispy fries still fluffy in the middle but holding their own against the ocean of sauce, cheese curds still firm and squishy but starting to ooze. This is the part where you pretend you are eating an actual composed dish.

Phase two is the real deal: The sauce is an unrelenting flood of savouriness. By this point, the cheese curds should have rendered down into a kind of partner to the sauce, like crema to salsa on a taco. The fries are giving up by now. Say a quick ave maria for them and remember life goes on. Some accounts claim the term "poutine" comes from a Quebec slang word for "a mess". It's probably not true, but that doesn't mean it's not evocative of what poutine is at heart. This is when you move from constructed bites to a more shovelling style of eating.

Phase three: You're not finished yet?!?! That's fine, spoons are totally par for the course by now. Abandon etiquette, but keep the napkins close.

Phase four: The cheese has resolidified into a cold, gummy clump. You should be ashamed, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't meekly go ask Francois behind the counter how much some extra hot sauce brune is. Quebeckers ain't quitters, so you shouldn't be either.

Phase five: You're finished. You hate yourself. You're still drunk. But be proud, you've done it right. Give yourself a pat on the back and slump off to bed (it is probably 5am by now, right?).

So here's the question that launched the debate in the first place: can you stray from the classic and still have poutine?

Yes! (duh)

You want sweet potato fries? Go for it. Waffle fries are stupid good. Celeriac is a bit "hautain", but no one will fault you for it. HOWEVER, if you're gonna switch it up, you have to keep the two other elements (real curds, tons of sauce brun).

Wanna change the sauce? That's fine, we're a multicultural bunch up here. Miso, Carolina BBQ, Thai curry, hollandaise, it's all good in the hood. Just remember what Meatloaf says: Two Outta Three Ain't Bad.

Wanna change the cheese curds? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, maybe? You may be one toke over the line with this one. You can add different cheeses to the base - even cheese whiz can get the go ahead if you're suuuuuuper drunk - but if there's no curds, there's no poutine. This is not opinion. This is a fact.

So there you have it. That's the fundamentals of poutine. You are now well enough informed to judge for yourself. There are plenty of examples of excellent poutines made all over the world (there's a few good ones in Thailand, from what I hear), and they all abide by the rules we've gone over.

Don't worry about cultural appropriation, just let your beer-laden gut lead you. But remember, just 'cuz there's fries, cheese, and sauce, it doesn't mean you got yourself a poutine. Chili cheese fries, disco fries, burnt-end fries, salchipapas are all delicious and I'll gladly eat 'em any day, but remember: if you define a pizza as flat bread with cheese and tomato sauce, you're also talking about a taco.

TL;DR: Poutine is basic as fuck, but that doesn't mean it's whatever you feel like.