Ronald Ulysses Swanson

Ronald Ulysses Swanson was born May 6 1960 to Tamara Swanson.

He cried for the first time when he was 7 when he was hit by a school bus. When Ron was 9 he began work in a sheet metal factory and "within two weeks, he was running the floor".

When he was 11 he was offered a job at the Tannery where he could work with leather, a dream he had always had. He tried to do both as well as finish Middle School but he eventually realized he could only do one thing at a time.

Ron claims to have attended a prom when he was 12 and (while he enjoyed himself) felt it was unnecessary to go to another one.

When college came around, his dad, feeling that college wasn't important, dropped Ron off at a metal factory. However, Ron hitchhiked and went to college anyway, where he said he learned a lot about life.

He has four brothers, one of whom is in the Air Force and another (or potentially the same) shot him in the foot with a nail gun when they were little. His brother's names are Don, Bob, Vaughn, and Lon Swanson, Lon being named after his uncle Lon.

Ron Swanson was Director of the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department for six years. Ron believes in the elimination of government waste, and during his tenure always brought the department in under budget.

While at the department, he closed many unnecessary recreational spaces, including the Portola Skate Park, the Grice Dog Run, the Morris-Easton Observatory, the Mohanga Native American Heritage Center, and most public drinking fountains.

Ron believes the government should be privatized and follow the business model of the Chuck E. Cheese's family entertainment chain.

Ron enjoys woodworking, breakfast meats, and the works of Ayn Rand.

He is also an avid hunter and fisherman and secretly moonlights as a jazz saxophonist named "Duke Silver".

Ron has mentioned he has an uncle who "does yoga" when asked if his family had any history of mental illness.

Ron does not trust banks and instead invested and saved his money into a form of gold. He has stashed his gold in multiple locations in which Tammy One tried to acquire, but failed, finding only Ron's decoy gold.

While at first hiding his interest, Ron openly admits to loving riddles and puzzles, showing talent and giddy excitement when helping Ben and Andy solve Leslie's Valentine's Day Puzzle.

Ron loves unhealthy fatty high cholesterol foods like red meat. Ron will rarely eat ethnic foods but will if it contains "meat" in its name.

Ron despises fish and states it only should be used for sport as it is practically the vegetable of meats.

Ron openly despises vegetables and vegetarians/vegans alike calling the plants "food that my food eats".

He also says that vegetarians are made of glass and had no problem writing his address down when writing a letter one as he considers them too weak to be a threat.

Ron goes into shock when he does not regularly consume meat.

Due to his high consumption of meat and oils, Ron and other Swansons have a very high tolerance for alcohol.

Therefore, as revealed on Pawnee Today, Ron has never had a hangover, not even after drinking an entire jug of Swanson Liquor in one swig, which is shown to be very strong.

He is also revealed to consume one shelf of alcohol a week and usually likes his drinks neat with no ice.

Ron keeps a claymore and a sawed-off shotgun on his desk, so people who ask for things have to stare down the barrel.

Inspired by Tiger Woods, Ron always wears a red shirt after having sex.

Ron knows various self-defense techniques and is a very private person.

He does not trust technology or give out information about himself, even blacking out his records on Government documents and discarding photos of himself.

Ron always follows the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness, a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement.

Ron has been married two times, both times to women named Tammy. Coincidentally, his mother's name is also Tammy.

While married to Tammy 1, Ron is forced wear a striped lighter blue polo and white khakis with a shaved mustache, showing that Tammy One can neuter Ron into a wimp.

Contrarily, Tammy 2 turns Ron into a crazed sex demon. When Tammy 2 is around, Ron has super senses, being able to smell the "sulfur coming off of her cloven hooves".

Ron is very patriotic and mocks every other country that is not America. While in London, he mocked Big Ben, sarcastically stating that the USA definitely doesn't have any clocks of its own.

He also refused to use British currency, stating that American Dollars are the most beautiful paper in the world.

He is shown to laugh in disgrace when the country "Canada" is mentioned to him and once tries to pen an angry letter to the country itself.

Thank you for reading.

cat tax.