DustieViolet
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Back Story.
After years of being in an abusive relationship with a bonafide junkie, I cut my losses and returned to the small town I feel comfortable in. Met a man. Started dating. He turned out to be very similar to the last one. Broke it off and endured a few weeks of harassment, even coming home one night to find him in my bedroom. Got the police involved and have had peace and quiet ever since. A month goes by, I reconnect with someone I knew casually 10 years ago. We chat for a while, progresses to hanging out once a week, then 2-3 times a week. I'm super happy, he's super happy. He knows I had a few problems but doesn't want to hear about my past. The only thing that's important is the present and going forward is what he tells me. I tell him I won't hide anything and if he wants to know he need only ask. He finally asks. I fill him in. Now I'm selfish, and have made my bed, and it isn't one he's interested in being in. That he was serious but refuses to associate with someone that associates with people like that. I don't associate with people like that. I cut all ties with everyone I knew like that.
I feel like my present is being judged because of mistakes in my past. I'm devestated and incredibly angry.
Thanks for reading, sorry for poor grammer and any spelling errors. My mind is mush right now.
Sionas
Then he isn't the one... Also there isn't just one person out there for you, that's some weird fantasy stuff. We are pretty adaptable.
hater626er
Actions have consequences. Sorry to say.
RideTheStimutacs
"The one" is a myth. You have many, many "ones" you would be extremely compatible with. Your "one" is the person you choose out of those.
onlywisehermit
Major bullshit.
Blue2Ghost
I know no one wants to hear this, but someone who doesn't accept you as you are, is someone you don't want to spend your life with.
NottherealSlimPickens
It's better for the long run, you did the right thing. Hang in there.
rglad
My opinion on this is I’m willing to forgive/move on from the past if they’re willing to be honest about it.
dogmoind
I'm always brutally honest. It's worked for me and my girl, in fact it's one of the main reasons we're together.
ObliqueRay
I'm going to be original and not have an opinion on this, seeing as I've only heard one side of the story
CephalopodLodge5
Me too!... wait a minute.. dammit - that's not very original now.
Jenkbi
Honesty is best. Don't want to be living a fragile lie. Maybe with time he will come back
ben3060
Perhaps you were not the one for him.
sstrdisco
He's not the one. The one will understand, nurture, and shower you with kindness. Hold out for your lobster.
apenguinsafari
A man expressed his feelings to a girl, she rejected... He was not sad. His friends asked him why he didn't feel sad. /
apenguinsafari
/ Why should man be sad? Man have lost someone who didn't love him. But she's lost someone who loved her.
evolutioninaction
Horribly enough, we are always judged by our pasts
Noob3rts
As a guy, I was honest with my ex-girlfriend when she asked "How many girls have you been with" and I caused a nuclear explosion. I prefer
Noob3rts
(2) honesty, but if you ever find yourself in a relationship with somebody where you question if it is good to be honest with, I'd suggest
Noob3rts
(3) rethinking or addressing the relationships problems.
Tranchec
For the record I think the idea that there’s just “one” is a trap for romantic hearts
adaylateandaeuroshort
...at least since Plato's time.
wll25
What if your one is the trap?
NickRivieraMD
If you too have been a junkie in the not too recent past, it doesn't make you prime dating material, even if you're sober. (1/2)
NickRivieraMD
Not necessarily you, but many users relapse. On the other hand if he's turning you down because you dated junkies, that's dumb as shit. (2)
DustieViolet
Not a junkie partied alot about 14 years ago...but nothing stronger than pot or booze since then 1/?
DustieViolet
and no pot for probably close to a year....he's a drinker so booze shouldn't bother him
Stacyanna
Some guys are weary of chicks who dance with trouble. You are drama. And he has a right to to move off to someone else
Stacyanna
But lemme guess nothing was your fault and you want imgur to tell you that.
DetectivePool
Relevant:
DustieViolet
Is it ever. Lol. Thanks for that! First solid giggle of the day
twentyfivehundred
I'm pretty sure you can only say that it was "the one" in a past tense, on the day you die.
hunnybottoms
"those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Bernard Baruch
craggyp
you were honest, he was honest. this is a definite win. you never want to be trapped in a relationship based on lies. move forward and smile
nutsacrilegious
I cannot convey how appreciative I am for your exclusion of the "this will probably get downvoted" rhetoric.
greendogblue
“I just needed to vent”
Samsquantch82
I was so engrossed in her story that I didn't even notice it wasn't there, which is great because it means it didn't exist to pull me out.
TheTimeless
"to the 4 people that will see this", "this will die in usersub but..."
boozehammerer
InkedInOttawa
I am so glad I'm not the only one that feels this way..i always downvote ppl who say that shit
polijutre
So they're right after all.
Meilkor
Yes,
InkedInOttawa
ONLY because of that fucking whiny bitch ass oh woe is me comment
printcraft
So he can’t deal with who you are and he bolts? Sounds like a him problem. You are better off.
Communik8
Hear hear!
ScubaSteve85
I disagree. That other dude has a standard about the people he dates. Doesn't make him a bad person. Just not his thing.
printcraft
He said he didn’t want to know, then he asked anyhow, meaning he really did want to know. She did nothing wrong, therefore a “his” problem.
idontevenlookatusernames
Has a standard that whoever he dates must have incredible foresight, or has never made mistakes. Sounds like a him problem.
Pugsleyx
The way i read it is she opened up about the mistakes of her past and he left.
Pugsleyx
I guess the possible emotional damage done by those previous relationships is something he doesn't want to deal with?
Lurkylew
Right on
BreadyStinellis
The standard of not dating someone who was, from what it sounds like, in an abusive relationship with a junkie? Sounds like she didn't know
BreadyStinellis
He was a junkie in the beginning.
AlaSnackbar
This.
00WinterSun00
totally agree, if she had been more careful about who she let in her life, this wouldn't be her problem
pallemanns
which standard does he have?
jakaii
Worse, sounds like he can't deal with who she *was*.
IKnowYouHateMeYes
That's debatable. People very rarely change and even if they do, the past just doesn't magically disappear. They both acted correctly by 1/?
IKnowYouHateMeYes
2/2 being honest. One must always be ready to handle the personal responsibility of our actions.
ThisOneTimeInZelda
I mean she repeatedly dates abusive junkies... She probably has some emotional problems... I can't blame him for his thinking.
FriskyFoxie
I don't know why that should effect him unless.. he's an abusive junkie, too :thonking:
ThisOneTimeInZelda
As an adult who you associate yourself with usually has some reflection of yourself. If she is drawn to people like that...
FriskyFoxie
But that's part of what OP is saying, they NO LONGER associate with those people. I've known some toxic scumbags in my life, too, but I cut
FriskyFoxie
them out just as assuredly, which changed my life. This is all about what USED to be, not what is.
maclaglen
He wasn't the one. 'The one' will love you and respect all that you are, not just what they want to see in you.
Vyrro
The one will also be precious, and sing your name.
YaHeardTurdFerguson
I have a horrible past. Like fucking terrible,my other half doesn't give a flying fuck. He loves me for me. I'm a better person and so happy
theglimmeringwarlock
SoftBonez
There is no "the one"
Icantthinkofaname2
http://t.fod4.com/t/3770b0e88e/c640x360_17.jpg
IKnowYouHateMeYes
There are multiple "the ones" and that idea of the "the one" is incredibly damaging.
Icantthinkofaname2
http://t.fod4.com/t/3770b0e88e/c640x360_17.jpg
teakasaurus
THANK YOU!!!
C0mtraya
Icantthinkofaname2
http://t.fod4.com/t/3770b0e88e/c640x360_17.jpg
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
The one is just one of many people who you could match with, but it just happens that circumstances are right for both of you when you /1
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
meet that one. And it works out. Basically you can't know if they were the one till you've spent almost your entire life with them. /2
BreastInspector
I, for one, am comfortable with non-monogamous relationships... It's kind of an unpopular opinion when codependency is all the rage.
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
Maybe your opinion's unpopular because it implies that literally everyone in a monogamous pairing is codependent?
BreastInspector
Or that's inferred. But if you read my reply to another, I find poly people to often be incredibly codependent. They just try to spread it.
BreastInspector
Oh, and it's definitely not for everyone. Just like monogamy isn't for everyone. But it is tiring to be stimatized by hypocritical people.
IKnowYouHateMeYes
What I said wasn't referring to non-monogamous relationships, but that's one way to look at it. Codependency is still possible in 1/?
IKnowYouHateMeYes
2/? polygamy because codependency can even happen in friendships, so it isn't just connect to monogamy.
AnonOmis1000
Am I wrong in thinking your past should be taken into consideration when someone judges your present?
Brutsarge
No one should judge period.
AnonOmis1000
Why not?
mechanicalchaos
What she did, why she did it, how she handled it, how she plans to relate/act in the future -- all factors to be taken into consideration.
00WinterSun00
nope, not wrong, people make those judgments everyday, learn from her and be careful who you bring into your life
Mikeiller
It should, and so should the fact that she's trying to get away from those people.
Stacyanna
The people you spend your time and life minutes with reflects on you. The guy dodged a bullet
Quebeker
the important part is to learn from the past. showing awareness and desire to change IS learning
AnonOmis1000
So basically I'm pretty fucked.
its2late4us
We are all shaped by our past and the right person will understand who you are so fek em
benadrylbumblebutt
It's not her fault she met those guys.She should be judged for being strong enough to get away from such jackasses in time. @op you go girl!
Stacyanna
Yeah if its one after the other maybe it is somewhat your fault.
FriskyFoxie
Taken into consideration, sure, but you should still give that person a chance, especially if they've only shown you goodness and kindness.
FriskyFoxie
(this is the hidden factor, we only know what OP has told us, it's possible they've given off other "red flags" to the person in question)
DivineAlphaMale
The past should ALWAYS be considered. More importantly is what sort of motivation and work toward healing has the present person done since.
Satherian
Exactly. People change. For example: compare yourself now to yourself as a teen.
boopsboop2
No, but past efforts to change, get out of bad situations, and acknowledge mistakes should be considered as well.
AnonOmis1000
That's all part of the past, is it not? So it would also be considered when considering someone's past
boopsboop2
Yes, but sometimes people only see what they want to see. :/ I hope they would be as level-headed as you.
AnonOmis1000
Don't consider too highly of me. I'm not a saint.
DustieViolet
No. But when claims are that the past is the past and the present and going forward are what matters, it hurts to be judged by it
CocoCoriolis
Unfortunately, having a past of repeated poor choices will always be a black mark, even if you consider yourself reformed. Toothpaste story.
hillarydank
That's very naive because it's not real. People can and will judge you on the past present future. It's okay though, you live and you learn.
Lunababygirl
Don't be sad OP, the faster the wrong one is out of your life, the faster the right one will enter.
BreadyStinellis
This is a learning moment. Never believe people who say that. They SHOULD care. You should be able to tell the person you're in love with
BreadyStinellis
Everything about yourself and vice versa. Someone who has no interest in your past, has no interest in knowing who you actually are.
PeteSolsoRussell
I would judge you today, based on your past; that you have grown, gained knowledge & exp., and shown will power for goodness. I love you.
DustieViolet
That is the nicest thing ever. I love you too strange internet person
Mimsey
Depends on what's in your past. There's "I had a 3some in uni" and then there's "I used to do LSD and meth and get gangbanged in the woods."
DustieViolet
Was none of those. Seems more he's pissed i made mistakes...at least that's how it feels.
Mimsey
If it's not sex or drugs, I'm gonna have to guess debt? Irresponsible credit card use? Or student loans but no degree?
DustieViolet
No. I dated 2 really shitty but clever men back to back. Credit is fine, i pass random drug tests for work, and not a whore. 1/2
elganif
Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is to learn and grow from them - which it sounds like you did - his loss if he can not see that
KnewestKnight
1 month between the old guy and the new guy doesn't seem like enough time to learn a lesson...
MessedUpAaron
Wait.. He won't date you because you dated crazy people?
CatsAreTasty
OP potentially left out parts of the story of how she got involved with these kinds of guys (ie she had her own nasty shit going on)
Stacyanna
One who is surrounded by chaos will always be in it. I know someone just like that. She destroys every man she encounters.
microcactus
Some people are drama magnets no matter who they are around.
MessedUpAaron
Yes... I've encountered these folks. It's rough
Mimsey
Having been down this road myself, I'm guessing it's more she has a history of craziness, drug use, unprotected sex, etc, while he does not.
MessedUpAaron
Oooooh.... I see. Thank you. That's a shame. People should be judged on the paths that they take, away from the past. Not how it always is.
AmicusCuriae
Which is entirely reasonable to have a preference to avoid. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior, even if it's unfair.
Chickenlicker
where on earth did you get the unprotected sex part from?
Mimsey
I was considering STDs as a possible deal-breaker. Even if he loves her, he might not be ready to share herpes, hep C, HIV, etc.
MistressLyda
If that was his concern, requesting to see her test results would make sense.
Izanami95
would you want to be with someone who has a history of dating junkies? To me it sounds like OP got involveded with drugs themselves 1/2
Chickenlicker
Except there's nothing in this post to suggest she has a history of unprotected sex, herpes, hep c and hiv. Come on man, really?
Mimsey
I cited personal experience. She said she dated two junkies. Junkies and unprotected sex go hand in hand. Plus dirty needles.
skincancerisfun
No, he won't associate. No association for you! You just try and associate, buddy.
DustieViolet
Can't tell if being sarcasric or genuine. Lol
ramarins
I think he had different reasons and used this as an excuse, so "it wasn't him". You'll do better. *hugs*
MessedUpAaron
Genuine!! I swear... It doesn't say specifically why he didn't want to date her anymore!
ActualKangaroo
I'm wondering too. It doesn't really say what it is he asked about.
Vacith
At best I can tell is that the person doesn't associate with people who date junkies? I also had difficulty understanding what was posted.
ActualKangaroo
If so, OP dodged a bullet! You don't want a guy like that, he'd put all kinds of shitty stuff on your head.
adaylateandaeuroshort
depends how close these crazy people/situations are in the present. If crazy ex bf is still around and a gross problem, orsth in the past1/2
adaylateandaeuroshort
indicates signs of a future problem one might prefer not to stay around to see that materialized and have to put up a fight he can avoid 2/3
adaylateandaeuroshort
I know it's rough,and sounds harsh, but "past is past" has its caveats and depends of what that past is and what that entails. Be patient!
iamdickburns
When we came back from Iraq a buddy told his gf “Don’t tell me anything just to unburden your conscience”. Some things are better unsaid
KeatonJazz
War is different.
DustieViolet
I can agree, but in this case there was always a chance he'd find out elsewhere...a very good chance. When he asked if there was anything1/2
DustieViolet
that he should know that may pop up in the future I had to say something. I knew I would eventually...i felt better once i did.
Mimsey
That's starting to sound more like, "I have HIV" or "I slept with half the apartment complex down the road" than "I dated two junkies."
IKnowYouHateMeYes
You did the right thing by telling him and he did the right thing by being sincere with you and leaving. Your past is still your past, 1/?
IKnowYouHateMeYes
leaving before it got even more serious*
IKnowYouHateMeYes
2/? there is always the personal responsibility of what happened. Obviously, he should take into consideration your effort for change
IKnowYouHateMeYes
3/3 That matters as well.