Ashamed to say it

puppyGamerBandit

113917

1418

just whimpering into the void
Tried so hard, working extra shifts, shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, doing everything i could to make the holidays easy and happy for the family. but there's always something that isn't enough. love gets replaced with keeping the peace and completing the honey dos. but no matter how many buckets i hit, there will be one i miss. i don't have anything more left to give, I'm so very tired and don’t have much of a personality left to speak of. for a long while i've tried so damn hard to put everyone's happiness before my own, working long hours to come home and just feel nothing but anxiety stress and dred. sometimes i sit in my truck and think about where else i can go, but there's nowhere. I've tried multiple therapists for years with military benefits it's been easy to access, not a thing has changed, if anything it makes me feel worse. for anyone who says put your oxygen mask on first, it's good in theory, hard to enjoy me time when someone is upset with you, needs your help or mandatory work has you on your feet allday. I'm just tired of working so hard and fighting so hard for happiness that never comes. Realize everyone goes through some rough patches, and this isn't necessarily a happy time of year for alot of us, Xmas just magnifies what i'm feeling most of the time. i try to be a good person and be supportive of my wife, brother/his wife, sisters, their husbands, and my in-laws, but i feel like i'm watching someone else in an out of body experience. nobody knows what i'm feeling and i dont't hink i can share. i'm realizin i don't cut it in the husband department. i guess this is how you become an old lonely man. thanks for listening to this throwaway account
EDIT: Wow FP, thank you all you kind souls. I would reply to everyone of you right not but I got to head to work. Your comments have helped though and just what this hurting heart needed. I hope my post also helps a few of you realize your not alone either, sometimes just knowing someone is out there dealing with the same shit is a comfort.

PaintedInGreen

Don’t be ashamed to say it. It’s valid and real, and I’m so sorry you’re in it. Sending imgur-love your way.

3 years ago |

FancySharkDinnerParty

I'm not in the same boat but I've sailed/am sailing. You aren't alone with how you feel; if you need a sympathetic ear, I have two.

ChristopherTallant

It’s not much of a partnership if you do it all yourself. I speak from experience.

SteamingTheCat

Did you get a *medical* checkup and give your symptoms? It could be purely physical, like low T.

mcopal

Keep trying therapists. You’ll find the right one. Also, trust one person to share with. Your spouse can be the one. Give yourself slack!

ifIScreamIntoTheVoid

It hurts to cut things out, but you can't clean the whole house at once, start with your own little corner. Find your happiness again.

sorrybotsorry

Dude, just know you’re not alone and it’d be super helpful to talk to a non-biased professional if you’re able.

queernosaur

Just a gentle reminder that you should NEVER have to longterm put others' happiness before your own♡

Mazzy94

CorneliusTunt

It's inevitable that the thoughts/feelings held inside will eventually become too heavy to shoulder yourself. If in doubt on how to

relay those feelings, could you try couples therapy? Should provide a safe environment to let some of it out. No one can do everything

themselves and there's nothing wrong with saying it out loud. I hope you can find a good way to express that and your SO is supportive!

beAbetterperson7

You become old and lonely if you keep it in. I shared with my wife, she may not get it entirely but just knowing and trying is a huge help.

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TomahawkJackson

You can't do anything to stop becoming old - on the other hand, lonely doesn't care what age you are...

Now when i can say i’m overwhelmed, or in one of my depressed states, she gives space as needed or talks as needed. Trust your spouse, share

I hope it gets better for you, and family is supportive. You can always find support here, you deserve someone to listen and you arent alone

Haemaelaeinen

My wife ended up cheating and leaving me when I said I have it rough. I provided all income, took care of kids and house... Over 10yrs mrrge

Sounds like she wasnt much of catch. Sorry that you had to go through that, and as painful as that must be, you are better off. If she used

That as the catalyst to then cheat, I’d say it was damn near inevitable. Again, sucks to be cheated on, you deserve better &hope you find it

Jawesome19

Hey friend, you're depressed and spiraling downward because ypu keep doing the same stuff that is making you miserable...

And your so clouded by misery and hopelessness you're blinded by how and what you can change because every change is met with a new hurdle..

That you also do not want to face. There are a lot of paths you could take this down but I'd you change nothing, I think you know where...

That path leads already. You are fine being who you are but you will not make everyone happy, including your partner so time to change...

Something where it hurts most. Therapy is great when you find the right connection and living in misery feeling " stuck" day in and day...

Leads to more resentment, self loathing, self pity, and more depression. You're not meant to constantly bear a weight you weren't meant...

Makemycommuteinteresting

You should tell your family how you feel. You don't have to carry all of the stress and burden alone.

510

5Toner

Doesn't work that way.. family doesn't always understand or support depression

Me1iss0

THIS, change the dynamic bc coping skills only get you so far when the environment hasn’t changed. Like a plant not thriving in sand

merbaby

I'm not O, but I felt every word. Saying it to family is so different than being heard; I've done the former, but never managed the letter

req4adream99

That’s where a therapist can help. Sometimes it’s in a joint session, where they provide the safe space to allow ur voice to b heard./1

Sometimes it’s talking it thro w someone who can give advice on rephrasing to help ensure that your message is heard.

sparticasticus

This. It’s a long hard set of lessons, reviewing every week w/ therapist just to make sure you’re communicating clearly, taken me like 2 yrs

TheRealCaveman

@OP can you get a psych referral? You might be suffering from unmedicated mental health stuff that makes it even harder. 1/?

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and ADHD last year at 35. The meds have made therapy much more helpful. I'm sorry you're... 2/?

Going through this. Marriage is hard. My wife was diagnosed with OCD the same year, explained a lot. Working through it 3/?

Now and it's sometimes more than I can take - running away is tempting (I think of suicide too). Just remember, breathe, keep seeking help.

SarcasticComment

and yourself. I didn't put the garland on the stairs this year, and it's fine. I was busy living my life to not get to this holiday task

some of this is a prison of our own making. the garland is very pretty, I enjoy it as does my family, but ultimately unnecessary.

ImAnActionBirb

Good!! You succeeded in prioritizing your mental and physical health over a piece of decoration, which can be surprisingly difficult for 1/2

2/2 someone to do. Keep finding small ways to put yourself first and it will get easier.

exactly. it's just a thing. I still got the easier to set up things done. the world moves on without twinkling lights on the stairwell.

I think people forget that their family feels their stress and would be happier knowing you were happy instead of feeling holiday dread

ThomasThundersword

thats what my fam did. it was never this rough for my mom, but she basically handled every aspect of the holidays PLUS all the other stuff>

trying very hard to make it as perfect as possible in-spite of, many many issues, that included my alcoholic dad. but once she talked to my>

sister and me, and we all started sharing the load, everyone was happier. not just her, but the sis and me too, all working together to make

Christmas magic happen. aa for my dad, after we got our shit together, we talked to him, he stopped drinking, and while i’ll never be close

with him. this was the first year without a major family fight on Christmas or all december! i know it can sound counter intuitive that>

paulwall117350

Materialistic holidays centered around accumulation of bullshit and going over the top for arbitrary celebrations add extra stress and cost?

Who'd have thought. Maybe next you'll tell me there's also something inherently wrong with a global system based on greed and acquisition.

Well, regardless of how it affects the poor and the climate, take heart in the fact that all this holiday effort created shareholder wealth.

Sorry for the socialist propaganda, but seriously, the best possible thing that can come out of all of this is your family seeing how badly

this holiday and the associated mindset and belief systems have harmed you, and maybe they'll decide to stop the tradition in the future.

Iamjackslackofselfworth

It' comforting that literally anyone else sees it for what it is. I chose to be solo for the first time this year, and it.was.wonderful.

InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde

I'm probably further left than 99% of imgur, bur Christmas is not the problem. I give gifts because I want to. Many are bought but many /1

Comments (230)