SkyPigeon123
56988
1672
35
Jul 20, 2024 5:46 AM
SkyPigeon123
56988
1672
35
FisheswithDynamite
I mean affection should be given freely, but there are also times when someone earns it, maybe by surprising you with a special dinner or gift. But they shouldn't be expected to earn it, it shouldn't be a requirement.
tallyhoho
Transactional love
spontaneous9
Your "friend" is an idiot. I learned from my stepdad never to hesitate to express to your partner that you love them every single time the thought enters your mind. I'm not referring to physical affection necessarily, but positive attention. My mom is very independent, doesn't like to be fawned over. Stepdad would just yell from across the house, "I sure think you're special, honey!" or sumthn. Seemed cheesy at first but it really lights up her day. Life is short! Express love whenever you can.
arumunus
That sounds like a shit-ton of childhood trauma packed up like a Gordian Knot.
I feel pity for folks who find affection/kindness to be transactional. Either in that other's aren't deserving of theirs, or, they're not deserving of other's.
That has to be a lot of pain endured through the years.
feyrismeow
oof. Can only imagine how awful her parents were.
derekjohn
Love/affection should not be a transactional exchange. [I'll only do this, if you do that first]
FoxySpirit
Oh, I know where this is coming from. When the only time in your life your own parents showed affection to you was when you fulfilled some of their targets. Affection for "performing well". Which conincidetially, is the actually barbaric thing.
Danack
Yeah. Friend needs therapy, to unpack whatever the fuck happened to them.
gorillaClutch
that sounds like trauma speaking. friend should get some therapy.
HandsomePenguin
I mean, it's one of these that I HOPE is fake. Sadly there are a lot I'd skewed views in relationships out there so it's sadly probably true.
CaptainBeefFoot
I only play a psychologist on the Internet but she likely comes from an abusive home which is why she has a twisted view.
JohnWickdidnothingwrong
Your friend is an idiot. Don't let them talk to your kids unsupervised, people like that can do a lot of damage.
Sw1ftTurtle
I mean, if he was working all day while she is home hanging out with a friend and immediately watches the kids for her I'm guessing that should as the friend puts it qualify as earning a hug and a kiss.
sleestacks
I think it’s ok for your friend not to be - or want to be affectionate, except on her terms. It’s not ok for her to decide that it is wrong for anyone but her.
saucenes5
It would be weird if when husband came home hug and kiss was required, which is maybe what she thought was the case. It's also weird to think that something special had to happen in order to greet their partner a certain way that they both mutually enjoyed. The weirdest part is a person not in that relationship weighing in on it like their opinion mattered.
icanc4
Transactional people are so strange to me. Who wants to keep track of all that? They inevitably make themselves unhappy because they naturally remember the favours they've done better than the debts they incur, so they are always simmering about how much they're owed. Why would you live like that?
PrincessWendyB
I feel sad for anyone who raised to believe such a horrific lie.
MelonTrolley
Is your friend a cat
CaptainBeefFoot
It is like her parents are cats.
TheWombatStrikesAgain
Cats don't believe in earning things.
robingal1
I hope she wasn't abused into that line of thinking.
fiorideiliberi11
A woman with huge misconceptions about love and affection. Ask her how she was raised and educated. That could bring light into the affair.
applesforjuice
"You're a princess/queen" "no man deserves you" "if he isn't making a huge romantic gesture he's not trying" "he should be asking you out" "he should be paying for and planning a date" "he needs to earn a kiss/sex" I'm honestly surprised more women ARENT like this considering every romantic movie and society says men need to impress women, women need to make them work for their affection.
RaZorHamZteR
Affection and love should not be earned. Trust and respect on the other hand most definitely should be.
YouThinkImEspeciallyNotAGenius
Your friend is obviously 3 to 4 raccoons in a human disguise and they were planning on stealing what ever garbage your husband gave you in exchange for physical attention. Those ring tailed fucks are crafty I tell you.
marihikari
LMAO yes this
YouThinkImEspeciallyNotAGenius
Everyone knows the old saying “if you’ve got a friend that is 3 or 4 raccoons in a human disguise you’ve got a problem, but if don’t think that you’ve got a bigger problem.” Bunch of masked food cleaning jerks.
YouThinkImEspeciallyNotAGenius
In these really weird and crazy freaking times we live in, it’s hard to make a joke like that and not have people think you might be crazy lol. Also, if you ever want to hang out I’m a night person, I like long walks on really any long skinny surface I can get my paws on, and I will always and I mean no matter what eat your left overs.
CurbYourClassWar
katoutwo8
How about accepting that they may never? And staying because you do love them that way?
katoutwo8
I was not suggesting that people SHOULD stay.
Perhaps I have been misunderstood.
I meant: what if wanting to stay anyway IS your situation?
I meant to suggest that this situation would be the only thing more sad.
Retrikaethan
AyatollahBahloni
"Friend" will never find happiness in relationship with that attitude.
FlyingGiantElk
Affection like that *has* been earnt. It’s not like Wife kisses and hugs every man she meets, Husband had to love and marry Wife to get that privilege.
InitHello
My wife hugs and kisses me when I get home from work because I have given her a reason to.
BubblesTheFish
What if she does though? I sincerely 99.9999% doubt it, but what if she did? That would be kind of funny.
Hengabecka
Interesting way of puttting it. I wouldn't describe it quite so transactionally, but yes, the affection is one of the ways they reaffirm their bond as a monogamous couple. Lots of other animals do the same.
TimeLord81
I think she means it like, they already dated before they got married. dating is where you establish if this is the partner for you. they already proved to each other they are committed to each other and the family . those kisses were already earned . who marries someone who didn’t earn their love and respect?
FlyingGiantElk
Apologies, I was phrasing it in the same terms as Friend did in the OP.
TheJomsborgViking
I once had a very awkward ride with a friend's dad where he commented his wife's love was like looking for water in a desert. He was lamenting that he traded a perfectly good motorcycle for this.
lljkstonefish
Aye, sounds familiar. I'm working on getting out, but society was apparently invented by people who aren't fond of that.
keyblader1985
Absolute psychopath. You can try to make it clear that her views are not normal or healthy, but if she's gotten this far in life being utterly unfamiliar with such a basic concept you're unlikely to succeed.
DarthFutuza
Some psychopaths are good at imitation though, so maybe if she has enough good examples to change her mind about this basic concept maybe she might adjust.
neithermenoryou
I wouldn't go so far as to say that she's a psychopath, but I would put out the guess she grew up in a very hostile home that only ever showed positive affection when the kid was either useful or successful in school.
I've definitely seen that happen and it is very, very bad for the child, and can be hard to break out if they aren't exactly exposed to better examples.
NoNameFred
Devil's Advocate: could be that she was previously in a one-sided toxic relationship, and someone had to hammer home "no, he doesn't deserve your affection, the way he behaves doesn't deserve your affection — he needs to EARN your affection", and she's just over-generalised it to "every single act of affection needs to be earned individually", rather than "someone who neither respects you nor shows you affection does not deserve either in return".
Z0op
Yah maybe she just misunderstood that op is fawning over her hubby too much, like how she is a slave to him or something. Coming from such a relationship can definitely cause disgust at seeing it again.
However, she drew that conclusion from a few second-interaction and an explanation that this is normal for them.
So either psychopath or just really damaged
ItHappenedInThe20thCentury
"Oh, but he *has* earned it." - "Oh yeah, how?" - "By giving me affection freely." **friend's head explodes**
017renegade
Friend is weird. Could be psychopathy.
PorneliusHubertII
Or they just had terrible parents.
mikeatike
Friend is a Boeing F-32
StellaMatutina
Lmao at internet couch diagnoses. More likely it's IBS, obviously. He needs to be bitten by more mice.
017renegade
I disagree - what factors do you bring in favor to IBS?
TheS4ndm4n
Probably fell into the femcel pit on social media.
017renegade
Femcel... new vocabulary unlocked! 😅
Ginoawesomesauce
r/twoXchromosomes and r/relationships are the two most toxic reddit subs I've ever had the misfortune to encounter. Every single posts top comments are to leave a supposed abusive relationship for things like 'my partner wakes up or comes home from work in a bad mood' or 'sometimes we fight'.
TheS4ndm4n
My husband cheated on me in a dream. Aitah for filing for divorce?
Ginoawesomesauce
Top comment: No way! That's your subconscious telling you to get out of this abusive relationship! Way to listen to yourself!
AoShin
r/Relationship advice is such a toxic place. Just filled with women who hate men and basically advocate for the most toxic behaviour. Then subs like r/AmITheAsshole are filled with questions like "I (23F) found a collection of bloody dismembered legs in my fiancé's (30M) basement. I questioned him and he got upset. AITA?"
TorrentialUpPour
Agreed, I was wondering if this was a bait post at first. 'Testing the waters' of r/relationshipadvice so to speak.
nakedible
It took me way too long to realize that girlfriend doesn't mean like a girlfriend you are dating, but just a friend who is a girl. Had to reread three times.
Midgarmerc
What you didn't watch any of the 10k 90s kids/teen shows that would have entire conversations about how the girl who is "not their girlfriend they're a girl and a friend but not their girlfriend" and this was a quote in every single goddamn show?
SteveTheEgg
As a guy who has a friend that's a girl, it's a common conversation because people just assume you're a romantic couple when you're just hanging out.
Midgarmerc
What made it annoying is 9/10 times the girl was the romantic interest anyway but they needed the forced drama
nakedible
No, I didn't. I watched Star Trek. Also, in my bubble if a friend with a husband goes "this is my girlfriend", I assume it's her girlfriend and her husband doesn't mind the arrangement.
sometimesarobot
Friend has some proooblems
deetatron
0570
Any relationship based on (mutual) favors is a relationship doomed to fail.
MyCommentsUsuallyHaveTypos
She’s ready for an intercontinental flight with all that baggage.
FreeCunsh
Haha well played!
Golgothanworm
The kind that points to her crotch and says "You have to work for this."
killernerd
femcel vibes
SheWhoRunsWithRaptors
I have never heard the term femcel but boy was I able to apply to some women I know real fast. And just like incels they are generally unhappy and miserable people to be around.
pinkmilkyway
Maybe hopefully her friend can better learn how to be a more awesome partner by setting this good example
& how the battle of the sexes can be effectively mitigated through love & logic
Foxsayy
I think there's more going on in this case than toxic gender role beliefs.
OmNachoMama
The friend's attitude is likely a result of what she saw growing up. Overcoming that type of trauma is very hard unless the friend considers it her own problem and gets help.
SarcasticCant
Parents probably only gave her attention if she got good grades or something like that. Sad but not uncommon
bgd115
Exactly. It sounds like this person needs therapy. Something is buried in that brain from the past.
Redyls
anyone who thinks affection is to be earned is a toxic psychopath. get them the fuck out of your live asap
baals
But trust is earned and with trust comes affection
299796
I mean you do sorta earn affection by being a good person and a supportive partner.
MoJordan1
Some people's parents really messed them up
quzar
With that tiny slice I could imagine that the friend may also have conjured the image of a 50s housewife lining up at the door as the husband enters for their mandatory hug and kiss on entering. That's the only way I could possibly harmonize the use of 'barbaric'.
Thanshin
I hereby declare that any human being has by default earned enough affection to get a hug from me. I reserve kisses for people I like.
MemeCakePrince
This is what led to my divorce and I am so happy without her.
busterfixxitt
Ditto for respect. DISrespect is earned, respect is just part of basic human dignity.
neithermenoryou
Daarst
My brain is wired that affection has to be earned because that's how I was raised. I only ever got praise/attention if I got good grades, did the right church activities, etc...
darkstarmc
Affection if to be earned. That's what becoming friends and partners is. Be weird to be utterly in love with a Rando on the street. But this is transactional relationship at it's worse.
lindbjb01337
This sounds more like a earlier trauma
stronomer
Or a victim of a poisoned childhood.
pleaseuseotherdoor
Came here to say that. This is what she was taught. I feel bad for her.
AllGloryToTheDarkLord
Hmm. I def think affection is earned. Just not on a case by case instance. Affection is earned aggregated and compounded over years. Everyday i love my wife a little bit more, an my affection for her multiplies over years of positive reinforcement.
GadenKerensky
I also imagine it can be considered earned when you're married.
AllGloryToTheDarkLord
Thats definitely something that has been traditionally considered equivalent to a college degree
StTriniansHeadBoy
This is the answer. Affection is earned with trustworthiness and affection over time. It’s not a transactional currency.
dbbbbs
Except for puppy dogs!
Nathanyel
For puppy dogs it is indeed a transactional currency.
dbbbbs
Are you sure? https://www.dispatch.com/story/news/technology/2017/09/17/canine-brain-mris-show-true/18794023007/
RhinoNaut
People who have learned to oppress their emotions from early childhood seems to think that affection is a burden to give and that it should therefore be measured out like a currency.
FreshlyPeeledSheeps
Not always true. I learnt from a young age never to show emotion, showing happiness would often result in being told to shut up, sit down and be quiet, and the same was often incurred for sadness. Anything in between was a lottery. It was just best to be 'an old soul' as they called it. I might not be able to be all that good with showing emotion even now, but I will hug the shit out of my family and friends and make sure they know they are adored. I'll not see anyone suffer the childhood I had
IHaveGreatKittenRecipes
Yeah affection from my father was purely transactional and also required I fit his specific mold of what his child should be, not just do the thing demanded of me, so it was slightly more rare than the mega millions jackpot. I actually have the opposite issue where I will trend towards clingly and overly emotionally expressive with my partners cause men don't get enough affection and that shit breaks the ones who were already cracked from a bad childhood. Not on my watch, buddy!
Bonevi
Redyls
sorry i cant help myself with a joke here....
whats the exchange rate on a blowjob?
lol sorry
SwankyPotato
Depends, are you buying or selling?
onlyhalfghost
I'll trade one for two blowjobs.
MstrES
One dick bite
Redyls
lol now that is a spicy rate
MstrES
Just following the path of a psycho
Psionickitten
It's very much a sociopathic behavior to be so disproportionately transactional like that. I very much concur with this person. She is not a friend and will stab her in the back at first beneficial opportunity.
hatsuseno
This, not psychopathy, sociopathy.
tyllathine
As a well socialised and functional psychopath, I appreciate the distinction.
Beelsebooob
Psychopathy, and sociopathy are both informal names for ASPD.
FearTheZee
The DSM describes external symptomology. There is a distinction in the research. They have similar presentations, but different etiologies.
Beelsebooob
And for what it’s worth, this doesn’t meet any of the diagnostic criteria for ASPD. For that you need to show >= 3 of disregard for the law, deceitfulness, impulsivity, being easily provoked to violence, reckless disregard for the safety of others, consistently being irresponsible, not feeling remorse.
quadraspaz1
You need to show a malformed penis of disregard for the law?