Yet another Edgy But True dump for all you inglorious bastards

Hey, it’s me again. Your cancer-surviving, anxiety/depression-ridden, trans, fantasy author, whiskey swilling, Celtic reconstructist Imgurian.

Just got back from driving to Albuquerque for my Nanna’s memorial.

It was strange.
I still feel like I don’t have closure. The last time my Nanna and I chatted over the phone she just seemed the same as always.

I’m on a ton of high-dose anxiety/depression meds (*and more!) so I’m fairly sure my emotions are being suppressed to some degree or another. Her passing still doesn’t seem real I guess.

After I heard the news I heard her call my name. I had a dream about her (which I never do) where she was both old and young at once. Happy, chatty, trying to slip me secrets from the other side.

Both of my grandmothers have passed now. It’s an odd sentiment.

Especially since I could die (horribly) at any time due to the long term effects of my then-experimental childhood cancer treatments.

I’m not afraid of death. I’ve died before. I’ve seen what comes next and I’m not worried about it.

All the same, the act of dying sucks.

There is a fleeting moment where you feel terrifyingly out of control.

But by the time you register this, it’s done.

There. Now you know.

I miss her.
We’d all play card games and she’d usually smoke us. Then she would turn to the person who had lost the worst and said, “Thank you for coming.”

Her lemon cake, Russian tea, and deviled eggs were to die for.

Nanna passed the day before Easter on her couch with her cat Zoey next to her, her currently reading mystery book carefully bookmarked on her coffee table.

All the ingredients to make her lemon cake were carefully laid out in her kitchen.

The day before, she had even insisted that she wouldn’t be making her famous deviled eggs because I wouldn’t be there to devour them.

From such excellent books as ‘Re-enchanting the Forest’ I know how to do my own rituals. Culturally and personally speaking, I’ve found this so helpful in a modern society that has precious few rituals, rites, and ceremonies.

I’ve found that I need the time, space, and specific actions to help me on a human level (no religion required).

I think I might take some paolo santo, sweet grass, and sage up into the hills near the river and hold my own service to her life and memory soon.

So that’s that.
Life goes on, I guess.
I do my best to live an examined life. I watch for symmetry, patterns, and which way the wind is blowing.

Call me nuts (arguably, I am right now).

I figure if nothing can matter then everything can matter right back.

How are you?

I’m still working on my indie/used bookstore btw. Prepping the space and gathering inventory.

I’m excited about that at least. As I continue to work on it I can see tangible progress. It’s a refreshing change from all the murky medical updates.

I’m happy to accept used books right now if you feel the need to thin your shelves right now.

But if not, no worries.
I’ll try to update everyone on the progress as it comes :)

And so now, here we are.

Alone at last?

I still have my new fantasy novel just about ready to be released - it just needs one final read-thru and a finished cover.

So there’s that.

I’m also working on a new staff! This time out of some applewood from a friend’s nearby grove.

Up until now I’ve typically stuck to aspen (since it’s light and strong).

Now I’m sitting at the bar at my favorite pub in Hannibal, sipping on a Belhaven Black, waiting for the live music to start. It helps to get me out of my head for a few hours.

Current preferred whiskey here is Teeling (neat).

PS, I always need encouragement to keep writing - whether it’s fantasy or nonfiction. The creativity helps me too.

Damn there’s so many places to fill up with dialogue in this post…

Shoot, what do I write next??

Our new cats finally got neutered. Soon we’ll be able to kick them outside like they’ve been caterwauling for.

My flowers are blooming.

The birds are singing and the two asshole squirrels that live in my yard are busy cussing at me.

I try to keep my focus on what I’ve found that matters to me: friends, family, peace of mind, creativity, and traveling.

Let’s see here…

I recently finished re-reading cs Lewis’s Surprised by Joy.

I find I like his narrative voice.

“Varus, give me back my legions.”

Frog and Toad ftw.

Here’s one of my kittens, Amigo Montoya (as my duly paid cat tax).

Take care, ok?

The edgiest and truest thing I’ve learned so far is that people really do love you and that you need to Make Good Art.

-Take care :)