My counselor said I should consider if this is my secret to keep so...

Edit TLDR: husband died. wife finds texts hiring prostitute. wife mad. wife gets best friend.

I met my late husband in 2010. We were married in 2011. Pretty fast. Hindsight tells me I should have waited. Thanks hindsight. In 2016, he died suddenly from a pulmonary embolism at the age of 34. He died at home. From 911 call to arrival at my house was 7 minutes. I held his head as he drew his last real breaths. They worked on him for 20-30 minutes. 3 rounds of epi pen. No electrical signal from his heart. I think it was that EMT's first time telling someone their loved one had died. And I did love him. I tried hard to be a good wife. I knew we struggled and didn't connect in places like either of us wanted, but I tried hard.

There had been a inkling of this before his memorial service when looking for stuff for paying bills in his email I found pornography website subscription emails (something we had agreed together we wouldn't use. His words were "It is like bringing another person onto our relationship.") Also an Ashley Madison account email. It pissed me off because I never refused sex and even told him he could wake me up in the middle of the night should his need arise. I made him a private porn stash of me for his use. I was angry but thought it wasn't more than that and was able to go on loving and missing him. And then one day in March 2017, I decided to look through his text messages on his phone. He didn't always save numbers so I'd open ones with no name on it (someone from work, someone from church softball league...). I stumbled on this:

Sorry for potato quality. This is a picture I took of his screen the moment I found out. I refuse to open it again.

My blood ran cold. My chest got tight. My breath got fast and shallow. There's more to this convo (3 meet ups total) and I found another one with another girl, too. The date on this first convo is 4 days before our 5 year wedding anniversary. At the suggestion of a girlfriend of mine, I googled the number.

Stacy, the escort. I ended up calling her, leaving a message on her Google voicemail, and she called me back. I asked for the extent of her services, saying I was going to see my doctor because I thought I had been in a monogamous relationship. "I always use a condom. Is that what you're worried about, sweety? Don't worry, honey. You're fine. Call me if you need anything, okay?" Thanks, Escort Stacy, but I don't think I'll call you for help.

My husband died a second death that day. I don't miss him. I'm livid and bitter at him. Only a handful of people know. I kept it mostly to myself for a long time. I developed some depression and anxiety. I sought out a Christian counselor after a year of knowing. Had a terrible experience (I don't think she was trained to handle complicated grief) and will never seek out a Christian one again.

6 months later I used the EAP at my job and saw another counselor my allotted 3 times. So much better. She said to me to consider if this is my secret to keep and that forgiveness and healing happen when we let natural consequences for someone's actions take place. I've chosen a few people to tell but still keep it mostly under wraps. It makes difficult because people expect me to be weepy and pine after him, but I'm can't. I'm too angry.

A strange thing that makes me boil over is the money. We were fucking poor. No money for rent. Not enough for food. No money for new work shoes for me. No money for new clothes for the kids. And he paid for an escort not once but at least 3 times?! He also met with her on days he had off but I was working and my mom watched our kids because why?! I don't know why I didn't make him watch them.

He was a liar, thief, and cheater. And I don't miss him.

Anyway, since I'm not brave enough to tell my friends, his friends, or his parents, I decided to tell random strangers on the internet. Ok? Ok.

Very bright silver lining: one of my late husband's best friends and I started a relationship and he just asked me to marry him. So sorry but no, I'm not single.

Bling tax.

Cat tax. This is Rory.

FP EDIT: Oh wow. Holy cow. Hi all.

So one thing people keep asking about is if my fiance/his best friend knew. No he didn't. It wasn't something my husband who claimed to be a Christian was announcing to his friends (In case you didn't know, pretty much most of Evangelical Christianity frowns on porn use). "Hey man, guess what I did today! I hired a prostitute with money we don't have to spend to cheat on my wife while she's working and her mother is watching our kids! You should try it some time. It's the best."

Anyway, don't send anything but well wishes. All I ask is that you don't do this to your SO or that you have someone designated to make it all go away ASAP in the event you die suddenly.