meauho
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Jun 18, 2023 5:44 PM
meauho
149825
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a2s2020
#3 Steven Wright did it first
stilloldbull
Neighbor-“You got a haircut…” My Dad - “I got them all cut!”
kingkongkeom
#1 and right afterwards he had an epiphany and wrote the movie script for American Pie
alfindel
#8 "peanut of the night" translates as "cacahuète de la nuit"
packratjay77
#5 fun fact: quay is actually pronounced like key. So his mispronunciation of one word is the mispronunciation of a different word.
SFuhr
#1 Could be worse, could have said "Lets Get this Done"
SoulN8
“If you fuck up, I’ll support you. I’ll laugh at you, but I’ll support you.”
3Davideo
#9 Why is your dad marrying your third husband?
Girlie1337
Mom: did you guys eat? Dad: I ate cookies. "What about the kids?" "They didn't want cookies."
JohnBrooks2001
When as a child asking to do something or for something my dad would say "after deep thought and serious consideration,the answer is no" . We knew the second he started what he was going to say. Not once did he ever surprise and and say yes !
lurkersquared
Daddy would burp and say, “not bad manners…just good beer!”
mymomisaleafblower
#4 once my dad accidentally said my mom's name when answering the phone, picture "hello, this is Mrs. Smith oh fuck I mean Mr. Smith" we never let him live it down
JericoJones23
#8
sayessathe1st
#2 Example of my Dad's bathroom joke: me "I'm going to the bathroom." Dad "pee for me, too." Me, as a child, "haha daddy I can't do that! You have to go yourself!" Me as an adult "I can't break physical laws to pee for you." Dad "how do you know until you try?" Miss you, Dad
LiftUpYourWeddingDressSomeoneWasProbablyMurderedIn
My dad when I put on makeup: “Keep fighting” or “We apologise for the poor picture quality”
available1
Not my Dad, but my father in law once drove down a road with my then teenage husband and they passed a sex cinema. A guy came out of it that very moment and my fil startet honking and waving at him. So my hubby asked: do you know this guy, dad? He responded: No, but now he thinks I do.
unannouncedguest
#9 I can imagine why
Unisaurusrex
When I was a kid, my Dad had a radar detector in his truck. When it would go off, he would tell my friends it was the nerd detector.
dennydorko
#1 Then suddenly: https://youtu.be/yOMj7WttkOA
chromed
Yoga pants definitely aren't showing you the whole truth. Yoga pants are the "natural" makeup of the butt.
a2s2020
You say that like it's a bad thing
tomb818
I always let people go thru doors 1st, say" After you" & as they ho through, I mumble " could be an ambush" IF they laugh, I then say " where do you think WOMEN & CHILFREN 1st came from
Geistbar
#1
pleaseuseotherdoor
Is that Johnny Cash?
33Fox
JustDumbCommentsAndCorrections
Dear nlitster89's dad: I assure you from experience with both that small children and drunk people are both extremely capable of telling falsehoods. Just not planned ones.
VindictiveBathToaster
#4 “Mike’s Crematorium & BBQ, You kill ‘em, we grill ‘em.” , “Buford & Sons Liquor & Guns: Where everything leaves loaded.” or “Jesse’s Abortion Clinic & Pizzeria: Where yesterday’s loss is todays sauce.”
Drosera
My dad always told me every problem can be solved with the correct application of brute force.
trayal
#7 Not true. Small children only tell the truth when you don't want them to.
RadiDaddy
#4 I’ll occasionally answer “Yes, Commissioner?!” and it never fails to confound.
ecobuckeye
I use, "Hello caller, you're on the air."
RadiDaddy
I love that!
meauho
I want to answer the phone "Dominos Pizza, may I take your order" and the person calling my father apologize for the wrong number and hung up. The closest Domino's Pizza was over 200 miles away.
RadiDaddy
When I was in high school and taking German, I answered the phone in German. It was a family friend and I stuck with the bit making her think she had a wrong number. We hung up, she called back, & I answered normally. She told me about her wrong number experience & I just said “Huh, that’s weird” and handed the phone to my mom who was quietly laughing to herself.
MorrowDisca
I once answered the phone to my MIL. "Hello underground airways?" She apologized and hung up
GoldenSun3DS
Sky Train Traffic Control
astrangehop
What's the sitch
meauho
I love tacos. I love nachos. Ron's Naco is only good for stabbing yourself in the mouth with tortilla chips when you bite through the tortilla
Mxlespxles
#1 your dad fucked that cake
BurningVeryImportantThings
"Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?"
Jaqdakloun
We've all been there
MrRandom314159
"American Cake: The Later Years"
ctrlshiftkill009
he fucked the cake
IGotLordVoldemortsNose
You sound like a 30yr old. As a 50 Yr old i feel he was happy to get away with his favourite cake, and no sharing. He ate that cake with a passion reserved for few things in life.
professionallazyperson
Why do the secret lives of married people with children always sound so depressing? Every time I see posts on this subject it’s like “and for his 10th anniversary he celebrated by finally, for once in his life, being able to take a dump in peace.” Not exactly selling me on the lifestyle here.
FlatPlutoSociety
He fucked that cake, though.
acme64
ok but he coulda fucked it
Waaaaghhumbug
Why not both?
SheeshNation
At least a portion of it
acme64
just the tip
1eudaemonia
y not both
jontanamoBay
He had that cake. And he ate it too.
SunReign
Is that what sloppy seconds means?
blankunderscore
You sound like a 50yr old.
OuchYoureonmyhair
It's not German chocolate cake until you add a little nut filling
owlcatsanctuary101
Iaimtomisbehave
#4 "Milt's Mortuary you drill 'em we chill 'em, you stab 'em we slab 'em."
MyFavoritesArePrettyNeatIGuess
Joe's Roadkill bar and grill "you slay em we filet em!"
JJohnston94
You plug 'em, we plant 'em.
SlaynXenos
"City morgue, you stab 'em we slab 'em. Some go to Heaven, some go to Hello?"
ShiroHagen
"Dave's Discount Crematorium, you kill 'em, we grill 'em."
thepunnypenguin
When we still had a house phone, “city morgue, how can I help you?” “Is [dad’s name] available?” “No one with that name works here. Would you like me to check the freezer?” Great way to get off the call list.
thegarts
Charlie’s chicken farm. Wanna neck?
EvilEmperorXurg
Bert’s Taco Shop, Frank speaking
commentsrnice2
My grandfather went with "Joe's pool hall"
Splosions
"Some go to heaven some go to Hello?"
Vyrro
Shady's abortion clinic and pizzeria, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce
OmnibusLatinName
Back in the day of crazy high long distance charges, "Acapulco Beach side..."
BuickKiller
It’s amazing all the variations. Mine was Redurn mortuary, you slash em we stash em, you carry em we bury em, no fetus can beat us, some got to heaven and some go to hello!
TexanSailor
Roadkill cafe, you hit em we grill ‘em.
PTKrieg
"Milo's Italian Restaurant and Abortionarium, where today's loss is tomorrow's sauce, will this be for dine in, carry out, or Plan B?"
cfbshank36
Oh my god hahahaha!!!
DAUKAR
"Nellies whore house, we dont give a fuck for nothing"
MorrowDisca
Joe's taxidermy. You snuff em we stuff em
MurdockTheHawk
You kill 'em, we fill 'em
lamoinejeff
"Nick's Butcher Shop, Nick speaking. You can't beat my meat. Ask about our 2 for 1 special (I had younger twins)."
stonebreaker6
“Who the fuck is this? And why the fuck are you calling?” It went over well when school called.
stonetemplefox05
"Joe's crab shack, we sell shampoo, we will not cook you dinner."
alwaysacleric
“Colorado springs sperm bank, you whack it, we pack it” was the go to as kids
cfbshank36
It was “you squeeze it we freeze it” when I was a kid lol
TexMexHex
#9 yeah, should probably just stop.
Fauxcused
3rd time is the charm
WhyDontYouMakeMe
Can you really give someone away more than once? I feel like the power and emotion behind the tradition is really diminished on even the second go
owlcatsanctuary101
Yeah that lingering sexist man power and emotional relevance to a gifted goat is really only a one time wedding thing.
LiberalViking
I have three daughters and I see it differently. I'm showing the new couple that I trust them to take care of someone I've cared for since the day they were born. It's a ceremony that shows she's all grown up and can make her own choices now. That I approve of her partner and can finally rest. It's not about ownership to me. It's about protecting and loving those you care about.
Richter12x2
My dad has also been married 3x. He told me one day over a beer "after the second divorce, you have to really stop and think 'you know it might be me'". He's been married to this one for a lot longer now.
riphenstone
Yeah, I had that moment of self honesty right before I met my wife.
IHaveGreatKittenRecipes
One of my uncles married the same woman 3 different times and remarried between those marriages. So of course, by round three with wife #1/3/5, the toast was 'nice to see you guys again, it's always good to catch up. Please stamp your card on the way out for a free drink at the next ceremony' and my re-aunt about pissed herself. And yes, they divorced again. But that time it finally stuck, and both clued in that if they couldn't make repeats work, maybe they needed some help.
WoodORama
I remember a comedian saying, "remarrying a spouse is like drinking sour milk and then putting it back in the fridge in case it's better later."
bunnyrut
Yeah. I see a lot of accounts of people fighting to get their partner to see their faults and work it out and they just refuse. Then seem surprised they are suddenly single and still not try to work on what they were told the problem was. Being aware AND be willing to work on it it how you keep things going. Glad your dad is doing better in this relationship. A lot of people don't make it that far.
owlcatsanctuary101
People should do what they want. I like your dad's joke but also that he was there to give you away a third time, like a real supportive dad. I'm personally not into these traditions but isn't it technically not giving away anymore if it already happened? I mean, it's based on the old days where women were property of men, if your spouse died you had to be passed on to another male if you had no inheritance. Divorce wasn't an option.genjonly curious to the "rules". But in the end it's all bs.
owlcatsanctuary101
Genuinely* i have no idea what happened there lol
Beezlebubble
Always respect that level of honesty
Soufange
Coworker of mine has been divorced 3 times and I said, "at some point, did you realize it was you? Or is it still a mystery?" When he pissed me off
bunnyrut
Savage. I love it.
BigDaddysMeatWagon
Sometimes the problem with you is a taste in partner.
Jamerperson
Yeah, after the 2nd time, you should probably just do a court wedding. Have a judge marry you, have only enough people there to sign the witness forms. Call it a day.
4vie
Nah, have a McWedding. Get married at a Macdonalds. Cheap ceremony, LOTS of witnesses.
Gaelwyn
People should do whatever makes them happy. Whether it is their first wedding or their 10th. Everyone else is free to choose to participate or not.
meauho
That's what I did when I married my first wife (who is also my current... And the only person I've married)
gluttonygreedpridewrathslothlustenvy
I did the opposite, each wedding more elaborate than the last. At some point it will be too much wasted money to divorce me...
rudejohn
It might be the husband's first wedding. I wanted the actual wedding experience as much as my wife did.
Foxsayy
I dated a woman who was divorced three times. I thought she had bad luck or history of looking to repeat an abusive childhood in her relationships, because she was amazing. But... It took a while, but there definitly was a reason for it. After 3 marriages you better look REAL hard. I hope it's working out for you :)
rudejohn
To be clear, it was mine and my wife's first marriage, and we're still happily married 10 years later, but if it was hypothetically her third, I would have wanted a big wedding no matter what she or her family thought. There's a stereotype that only the bride wants the wedding experience (walk down the aisle, wedding dances, etc) and that a bride who's been married before doesn't need it - but that's a bit sexist and insensitive to the fact that the groom might not have had that before. :)
meauho
My mom was married 3 times: 1st went to jail while in the military, second with my father who constantly cheated on her, 3rd had a heart attack. The 4th was a guy who had been married 3 times. They were married 30+ years before he died..... And I honestly think it's because my mom didn't want to be alone if he wanted to take advantage of her money
bunnyrut
Yeah. I understand dating a lot of people could just be trying to find the right one. But multiple divorces should be viewed as a warning. It takes a lot to go through with a divorce (especially the cost). I can't imagine it being "faultless" to go through it three times.
weirdcalculator
I support this. Everyone gets a do-over. I'm fine with as many as you need to get it right, but I'm done celebrating after #2.
maincarrot
10th one in: "how come no one is dancing? I specifically requested it."
MachoMemeRandySavage
So, what about the other person even if they never got a wedding?
weirdcalculator
Either they still get a wedding and the multiple-monogamist spouse has to pay for it, or a first and third can opt to average out.
Guy954
I like it automatically linked to the second meme because you put #2 and it kinda works with joke.
PenisOfDeath
#2 is also related to #2