gingersomethingimnotgoodatthis
62399
1049
104
Sure, this is probably normal. I think he felt comfortable sharing, but well, what about me. I didn't want to hear that.
*Edit*
Thank you all for the support and feedback.
I think for the most part, desire is common and stronger in some people than others. The statement was 'in addition' to me, but he also desires other woman. I think he would have been bother if I said something similar. Everyone is correct, we need to talk about it, and thanks for the encouragement to do so.
Sunshine12345
I can't say I blame you. Regardless of context, if you're strictly monogamous having your spouse say that would be devastating. It's one thing to say he finds other women attractive, and I don't know his exact words so maybe that's what he meant, but it's entirely another to say he wants to cheat. You two need to have a talk and depending on how that goes possibly couple's therapy, both of which will be hard to approach. I wish you luck and courage.
januarylover
In a monogamous relationship my feelings would be hurt too. I hope he makes a sober effort to reassure you about his fidelity & love for you regardless of any fantasies he may have. Life partners deserve to feel safe & cherished & this obviously destabilised that for you. Talk to each other when you're feeling safe & you've worked through the initial shock, try to approach it as a way to learn more about each other & your needs & boundaries. Good luck.
PorneliusHubertII
Tell him, not us.
adrianontherocks
Finding people outside your committed relationship desirable is normal. Monogamy is the societal standard but many people don’t actually want that. Blurting it out while drunk is hurtful. But communication to find out if he just meant ‘I find other women hot’ vs ‘I want an open relationship’ will lead to different solutions.
thereitis101
I feel like some context may be missing.
ErindorGhostPope
Ouch. That's a pretty awful thing to say.
dudehiemer
Have you talked to your husband about it?
youcancallmesusanifitmakesyouhappy
Was it like “hey i want an open relationship” or was it like “yeah i’d bang scarlett johansson if i ever had the chance”?
Grimmy32
Sometimes a guy just wants to have sex with a different woman. The difference is acting on it. Hopefully it leads to a healthy discussion. But not having a conversation & not having sex, will probably lead the husband to want to act on this.
DustyMcKnuckles
Everyone wants some strange. Its a tiny bit of novelty that the brain is curious about.
-/COMMUNICATE/-
If he wants to shake things up for novelty, TALK ABOUT IT before you get hurt about it @OP
Maybe he is bored and wants to try something new in the bedroom? Roleplay, costumes, sexy scavenger hunts SOMETHING. Dont let this minor ouch turn into a big oof.
Phoenix0rion
Tell him if he wants to disappoint two people at the same time, all he needs to do is call his parents
EdelwoodHikes
I'm sorry, ma'am. I hope you'll talk and figure things out soon, but of course you're hurt, I'm sorry.
stacydsullivan360
Not right. 20 years married, nope, never heard that. I wouldn’t either.
WeeemRCB
As long as it stays a fantasy, then I don't care what got my partners motor running. As long as its my slander slapping her undercarriage (I might be stretching that metaphor a bit)
Tenderbits
Tell him so you dont resent him.
pr3viso
I don't want to have sex with him either
KeriBea
I went through this, it ended up being a relationship killer. It became too many conversations once he was sober and ended up going and doing that and it just wasn't for me.
giraffinator
Mmm not great
Psychobeanz
Nailed it in the title. Once you say it out loud, it's in your partner's head forever. It's human to find others attractive. It's not a loving or kind act to bring that up to your spouse
fnoigy
Op:
*Drops bombshell*
*Refuses to elaborate*
thebonesofmyancestors
Why would she need to elaborate? Why do you think she owes you something? What a super strange comment.
RyvaTheRenamon
This account was inactive for 6 months before like four days ago, this is the first post in over a year as well. Very fishy
thebonesofmyancestors
Why is it fishy? Something happened to her that had a big effect on her emotionally so she vented about it. That's not fishy. You judging someone because of it is the only fishy thing around here.
kamenhokage
Yeah and more importantly this statement can be incredibly salacious or matter of fact. Is it 'I am not satisfied with you and want to fuck other women'? Or 'I find Blake Lively as Lady Deadpool stupid hot and would love to fuck her'? There's also the other aspect of 'I don't wanna fuck him anymore' and guess where that leads for the guy who admitted he wants to fuck other women?
Inganni
Hopefully breaking up before fucking said other women
littlecoatfatguy
"Darlin', I know it's only been a year but I'm bored and I want to start sleeping with other women." is one thing.
but
"Yes, since you bring it up, I have in fact had a sexual fantasy about at least two other women in the 20 years we've been married" is very much another.
JackalopeElope
Couples counseling.
sevenfingerman
A close friend of ours just confided in me that her husband told her that he “settled” for her. I was shocked, not just because it is a cruel thing to say but also because he looks like me, a solid 5, while she is a solid 8 or 9
Lightsmith
You're my silver medal.
tallyhoho
Puke. First of all the only reason someone who say that to their spouse is to hurt them. I hope she dumps his ass and upgrades to a nice 9
XaoJet
He is mind fkn'ing her and playing off her insecurities, she can for sure do better.
LarvaLamp
He must have watched too many sitcoms.
peppymints
I don’t blame you, I wouldn’t either. Alcohol isn’t an excuse for a lack of tact, or emotional infidelity, or whatever this may be. Best of luck to you.
deltree5
More context needed.
vnqx
Sex is physical activity between people involving the sexual organs
Arravis
But… https://youtu.be/gXKT01n-8Po?si=dx6M2gI_xPAelWqV
zombiebatman
When a man and a woman really love one another, or when they are wasted and hook up at a bar, he takes her to a place called Johnsonville and gives her a wiener
Clayman8
Man, shit i could really go for a corner street, greasy, overloaded hotdog served by a guy named Troy or Benjathin right now...and i HATE hot dogs.
FlipTheBirdBeforeTheBirdFlipsYou
Classic Jville
Sen7ryGun
Both drunk. Wife asks question she doesn't want to know the answer to. Hears answer she didn't want to hear. Blames husband for giving honest answer to stupid question. Relationship cooked. Fin.
nopo
You're making a lot of assumptions there, bro. You know what they say about assumptions, right?
shwedda
no i dont, but i see you confidently asserting that i do
nopo
Did you not see the queation mark?
RatsLiveOnNoEvilStar
“You know what happens when you assume?” “They make an ass out of u and me”
RatsLiveOnNoEvilStar
The make an ass out of u and mptions
nopo
Yeah, they make an ass out of you. So don't make 'em.
Sen7ryGun
They say that you'll have support from whoever likes the sound of the assumptions, no matter how wrong or right they turn out to be and life is just a big old game of marketing and educated guesses.
Sounds more like you'd like the scenario to be "Evil husband comes home and loudly announces to his wife that he wants to fuck everyone else except her because he's a bad man and she's an angel who had this terrible information thrust upon her without prompt or warning."
nopo
No. Im not making any assumptions or judgements as there is insufficient data. We dont know the circumstances of his comment. It could be like you suggested. But it just as easily could be something else entirely. We cant know from the information we have been given.
MorrighanWolf
Where did she say that?
mmmurppp
Filling in some gaps with some probable scenarios. I appreciate some solid guesses when there's no more insight.
MorrighanWolf
assuming.
MistahB
Those are some mighty bold accusations you are jumping to with literally zero info to go off of.
WalksTheSky
Honestly my feelings would be hurt
stewgru
If you date a male, don’t ask him this question and want him to be honest.
ChorizoPig
A little booze goes in, a little truth comes out.
andexer
I wouldn't be surprised if he felt hurt/unfulfilled, which led to him saying this
cozynester
Drunk ramblings are full of veiled sober truths. I hope @OP takes this as a sober conversation starter. Instead of focusing on the hurt they felt hearing the comment (which is valid and deserves its own space and time to process) they should talk about their sex life and what needs/wants are being met and which they'd like to be addressed.
Stray lewd thoughts are not a death sentence, but emboldened lewd thoughts + alcohol can lead to 'accidental' infidelity
Taxicat
And this is why I refuse to ever get drunk. I don’t want to know what my brain might be hiding!
kamenhokage
TBH, I read this as 'I find other women attractive and would like to have sex with them if it were permissible', and not 'boy if it wasn't for you I'd be fucking every woman I see'. It seemed more like an honest declaration of 'yeah I've thought of fucking someone else' and less 'pls let me fuck ur sister'. Which, yeah, still not something you wanna hear, but it doesn't seem overly salacious IMO. I could be wrong, as someone said, more context needed.
scooteristno8
It must be catching, 'cause now I don't want to have sex with him either.
themobileappisbroken
What lead up to this statement?
Did he just randomly blurt it out?
thesameasyours
he was banging her sister
Whatdoyousaytoanicecupoftea
...at the same time?
themobileappisbroken
thesameasyours
establish dominance, bang his dad
usingYourMomAsAHat
Definitely. For the record, im the dad
coothlesscthulhu
And mom, and any siblings or cousins. Just fuck up the entire bloodline for good measure.
xmaneds
mackasaint
YES!!!!
NapoleonTrousersnakeBonaparte
Don’t forget his mom as well!
Mmbear
Nice. Having three-way with his parents is pretty fucking brutal.
IWillFigureOutAWittyNameLater
but bang me first :P
Cabreza
Mandoglorious
Mom's the Way.
Cabreza
Also, why stop at his dad? (NSFW) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtZXJTtyao0
WillTheFifth
fnoigy
This is the best solution
plantpr0n
1. He was drunk.
2. Ask how he really feels when he's sober.
yesdearmetoo
Alcohol = truth serum
akafluffy
it's not truth serum, it just makes you worse at lying.
VelvetWarhol
alcohol doesn't make liars...it only makes fools
sandwiches
Wrong. Of course alcohol makes liars. Alcohol reduces inhibition, which is a normal part of a person’s personality. It also increases impulsivity, risk-taking, etc.
fnoigy
Unless you're pulled over, then it makes both
[deleted]
[deleted]
plantpr0n
Good for you, seriously. You don't represent all of humankind.
lapus
Many many people have. You said YOU haven't drank too that level. That means you have restraint that others don't have. Many people get black out drunk and have zero idea of what happened.
yesdearmetoo
plantpr0n
When did I say that?
plantpr0n
lapus
I've never been intoxicated enough to not have total control over my speech. This is bullshit. <--- this. So obviously you stopped before you got there.
Grimmy32
They must be blackout drunk
plantpr0n
Ahhh yes, you were responding to the other person but .... yeah, all good all good.
Carry on citizen. I see the original comment was deleted anyway at this point.
themobileappisbroken
A drunk man speaks a sober man's mind.
FishieStardust
Sometimes. And when it happens, it can also be just slivers of what one has been keeping inside. I tend to agree with you - at least that's how it is with myself since there's topics that I can't talk about sober
thosebahsturds86
I have been on the receiving end of some very critical and painful confessions/truths from my drunk partner.
hollerfloozy
Or Womans. But yeah. Drunk people and kids will fuck you up in a heartbeat.
alwaysacleric
Yeah, no
imgurmage
Wrong. I've said all sorts of dumb shit while drunk that I don't really think.
Grimmy32
Well, obviously you do. Just alcohol removes the filter. You may not want to act on these things normally or even normally say it. But a part of you, even for a split second, decided to say it.
LordSithis
Yes, because every sober person who sleeps in a wheelbarrow or upside down off a chair has totally really wanted to do that sober. Or, and maybe you've never thought of this, our minds are a bit more complex than a written book, and things said when drunk aren't exactly where your mind was going, or would have gone, if sober.
Grimmy32
Being drunk lowers your inhibition. Everything you mentioned. And everything I said is due to this. Things said when drunk can be just drunk talk, they can be things you'd want to say when sober. There is no hard line between what someone will definitely say or not say - because people are different & alcohol affects people differently. To make an absurd claim that "our minds are a bit more complex than a written book" is just asinine because it's irrelevant.
imgurmage
Yeah the drunk part of me. Alcohol doesn't just make you say the things you might hold back while sober, it gets in the way of you thinking clearly and rationally. It's not an excuse for everything you might say while drunk, words can still be hurtful, but it should not be taken as "the things you would say while sober, but choose not to".
Grimmy32
> Alcohol doesn't just make you say the things you might hold back while sober..... For some people it does. It might not for you. But it certaainly does for a lot of people. ----- > It's not an excuse for everything you might say while drunk, words can still be hurtful.....It's not an excuse, it's just what can happen.
Schaade
In vino veritas.
plantpr0n
Hard disagree.
[deleted]
[deleted]
alwaysacleric
Yeah, but it also makes you do and say dumb shit that you regret when you sober up because you didn't want to do or say those things. This is a weird non-fact that people just say and don't actually think about.
Greymalum
The drunk you is your first thought. The consciousness is like the second, which reviews and helps YOU decide the next action. For the most part, what you are drunk is the real, unfiltered you. The part of the latter is not allowing oneself to be out of control in act or act of tongue. Any regret is all about oneself, and do they want to face the inner them and conquer that. I've met people who would rather die first.
Greymalum
Agree to disagree. People can lie, but lying while drunk is complicated. First, all lies have elements of truth. Second, impairment of inhibitions makes one an uncorked bottle. Regardless, in my personal experience, drunkards say what they really think without a filter with enough alcohol.
SouthOfRubick
Having been drunk on several occasions, and having spent time around drunk people, it tends to lean more towards the "wrong" thing and not the "honest" thing.
akafluffy
All believable lies have elements of truth, drunk people don't lie that believably.
TShirtJar
Was this 'instead' of you or 'in addition' to you? Lots of people want to have sex with more than one person; some of us are monogamous creatures. Sometimes they keep it in their pants, sometimes they don't. If he's not interested in you anymore, that's one thing. Wanting to have sex with others 'and' still wanting to be with you, that's another.
Yamusa
And women complain men not sharing their thoughts.
TomahawkJackson
"Wanting to have sex with others 'and' still wanting to be with you, that's another."
...and WANTING to have sex with others and *never actually doing anything about it is*...
Well, it's kind of "I'm not religious. There's nothing stopping me from killing as many people as I want to. I want to kill 0 people." isn't it?
I mean - I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in - but if I didn't *ponder* what it would be like to be an excellent partner to OP for 1 second?
I'd have to be dead.
Larktonguesinadicecup
I don't want to have sex with other women besides my wife when the actual consequences are factored in. Similarly, I DO want to go to work every night, when the consequences are considered. I can imagine a world where I don't want to work, and do want to have random sex sometimes, because I don't suffer consequences as a result, but that's not reality. I may as well be imagining teleportation and lightning magic. We use the word "want" to mean two related but nonequivalent things.
WhatTheFrog
Exactly. I get that it's unsettling @op, but it's perfectly normal to desire other people. You two should have a sober conversation about it, because as long as he's not cheated on you (and is not planning on doing so), you're all good. Now, if he's still attracted to you but is also interested in opening your relationship, nothing stops you from giving it some thought. If it's a red line for you, then you'll stick to monogamy. If monogamy is a red line for him, then better have that talk. In
WhatTheFrog
any case, communication is key. Tell him how it made you feel to hear that, and be sure to hear what he has to say as well. And remember that there's no perfect recipe for relationships, just build one that works for the both of you, make your own rules.
abujamza
This. It’s important to establish this before you move forward with how to navigate this revelation. As mentioned in some of the other comments, it’s fairly normal for everyone to have carnal desires but if it’s something he wants to explore with you as a part of it, then it’s an opportunity for adventure. If he wants to have sex with ONLY other women, well then you have yourself a problem.
tuxedobob
Especially if he doesn’t actually do it.
rubypilgrim
wait wait wait. it may be normal for someone to want to have sex with others, but what about op? What if she's not ok with that? Maybe this is not the right relationship for either of them. There are monogamous people. But also - he was drunk.
Leithoa
Being polyamorus vs being a cheater. If he's poly but she's not it's probably not gonna be a long term relationship.
hiiamluciole
in vino veritas
Crowlands
I think that having an issue with someone's Thoughts is pretty shitty if they're not in any way acting on them.
Also, if someone wants a partner who does not have any feelings of desire for anyone else on earth, their dating pool is basically limited to aces.
rubypilgrim
There are genuinely monogamous people on the planet who aren't aces. I'm not prepared to pass judgment on either one of these people. Seems to me they have a heart-to-heart conversation in their near future, if they're good communicators. If they aren't, well, now's as good a time to start learning as any. Everyone gets to work out their own relationships - both deserve respect, and to have the opportunity to be heard and understood..
thetonestarr
I think this is effectively the point that the Bible is getting at when it says what is commonly interpreted as "if you just desire it, then you've committed it".
It's not the desire, the thought, that's wrong. It's whether you dwell on it & let it control you that's the issue. If you entertain the thought and let it run rampant, THAT'S the problem
thetonestarr
There's a difference between recognizing and acknowledging that he wants that and APPROVING of him DOING that. They're not advocating for letting him go sow his wild oats - just saying it's normal for him to want to.
boobityboobityboobity
The issue for op is that she didn't want to know. Because now she's going to think of it and it's going to give her relationship anxiety no matter what happens. She will feel not good enough, even if he does everything to show her she's the only one she needs. She will always feel inadequate. She can train herself to block out that feeling but it stays. I know because this has happened to me. A lot. To each their own yeah but I recognize this feeling
fnoigy
This one. Wanting to bang additional people is normal for humans, especially men as nature tends to work that way with the sperm-producing sex. Now if he's NO LONGER INTERESTED IN YOU, well, you've got real problems. Also if he's not as faithful
ThingsThatDontJustifyGenocide
Good lord... being the "sperm-producing sex" has nothing to do with it. That's some incel-tier shit, get that out of here.
Actual intelligent views: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2000/10/female-monogamy-is-fiction-not-fact-hrdy-says/
colfish
I can't fix the incel mindset, but at least take an upvote to repair a little bit of the stupid. You're absolutely right and citing good science to prove it. Cheers!
[deleted]
[deleted]
ThingsThatDontJustifyGenocide
Okay, but it is revelant to the claim of "nature tends to work that way with the sperm-producing sex" because that comment wasn't about humans, it was just incel-logic, and the article cites the author's own studies about nature.
Take your L and delete your comment.
thinkybrainpains
i agree except "especially men" ... women want that, too
fnoigy
Yes, again it largely seems due to the fact that, in humans, offspring care and investment is shared much more equally between the two sexes, which often mixes up that behavioral norm in other species (see the dance fly for a really cool example with runaway sexual selection!), but because males can, and do abandon their mates, we still retain some of those instincts of "MUST SPREAD GENES AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE" and now women are finding new freedom to be choosy of high-quality partners.
Weareallprimates
You are really wrong homie.
colfish
Nah man, plenty of people with lday bits are also into the idea of having sex with as many people as they like. From an equally evolutionary lens, it gives the best chance to have offspring with traits that they like since getting pregnant is rarely a one and done scenario.
Evolutionary biology is used a lot of times to work backward to get the conclusion you want. It's a bad thing to use.
Turns out, having a population with a mix of all different kinds of people is actually best.
fnoigy
Yes, it's why extra-pair copulations happen, and again humans are a weird case study of being on an awkward spectrum of monogamy and sex-based parental investment. Also because we share the task of child rearing with large social groups. Humans are very complex, but that doesn't mean the underlying instinct and pattern doesn't exist
hiiamluciole
I was with you until " especially men" and the incel bullshit following. Just in case, we, women, forget you guys have NEEDS and not desires, and that's why you can't help but rape because you can't control your sperm-producing brain.
Thornaxe
You brought rape into the discussion where it wasn’t before. That’s entirely what you heard, not anything that was said here.
fnoigy
Yeah no. And again, this is a biology perspective, and it absolutely holds true, including in human psychology regardless of your cultural sensibilities. Humans are a great case study on what happens when offspring investment is made more even, just like the dance fly shows how females become showy and males choosy when males bring significant resources for the offspring. But hey if you want to argue that humans have magic free-will souls then okay 🤷
ExecutiveProducerWolfDyck
It's a pretty poor biology perspective. Genetic evidence says women cheat as much or more than men throughout history. The crazy bint is off having a conversation about shit in their own head, but you're still wrong about the "especially men"
hyptosis
god it's refreshing to see this on here, i'm very surprised to see this kinda of science talk in the top comments
fnoigy
As an entomologist, I fuckin love science
Tootsie1
What science? There's nothing scientific in that post, only selfishness.
EveryGOPAccusationIsActuallyAnAdmission
That's where you're wrong bucko. Throughout the animal kingdom, males are naturally the more promiscuous sex. Females must be careful with whom they choose to mate because the pregnancy is so long. Males want to spread their genes to as many females as possible to keep their line going. It's basic biology. I love my wife and I wouldn't sleep with anyone else but you bet your ass that I notice beautiful women .
okbruh
You don't think biology influences behavior?
Rayxzerox
this is a post-hoc justification of cultural norms around the sexes that are far from universal using words like "biology" and "instincts" to make unsupported leaps of logic. Stating "men want more sex cause-" is a false start no matter what justification you present, because the baseline statement needs to be proven before jumping into an explanation, and it simply hasn't been.
fnoigy
Hello, I have two animal science degrees. Males generally only contribute sperm, which is extremely cheap, thus have a biological incentive to give that sperm to as many mates as possible, while females must devote far greater resources to the next generation (and often can only do so once in their lives) and so they choose the best male. You can even see examples where this gets reversed due to nuptial gifts, such as in dance flies. Humans share childcare, but the instincts still do exist.
Tootsie1
What applies to animals doesn't apply to humans, but men will use animal to justify any behavior they want to do.
aflarge
For real, I'd LOVE to have a threesome with my girl and another woman, but I know I'd never be comfortable with the inverse, so I'll never ask for it. We've talked casually about it before, and she knows what I'd like, so if she wants it, she can instigate it, and if she never wants it enough to seek it out, I'm content never experiencing it. It's just a fantasy, and the fantasy is for her to be into it, not for her to humor my fantasy.
Foxsayy
I think it's okay to discuss your interests even if you wouldn't be comfortable with the reverse. Would you be against your partner asking you to try pegging if she hated being the bottoms for anal sex?
Not being into the inverse doesn't mean your partner wouldn't be into the current ask, and they can always simply decline.
vegivamp
That last bit is so important. The fantasy is for her to be into it.
L4dead2
I jokingly asked my wife is she wanted a threesome since she showed me a funny post about a husband asking his wife. She said only if the third is a guy.
AnyRandomBob
Gotta be honest man. MFM threesomes are a pretty fun time of everyone is cool. This is coming from a straight guy.
aflarge
I don't even like porn that features more than one dick, even if they're outnumbered. For those that like it, I hope they get lots of it, but I really don't think it's for me :P
EverythingWithFries
This is the way.
Willowknowsall
That's so powerful!, The fantasy is you want her to be enthusiastic and willingly participate not to humor you. That's how all sexual activities should be take note. Fellas and babies and any anyone
Crowlands
I really hope saying this isn't throwing a hand grenade into a room, I obviously don't know the situation with you and your partner, but maybe you can have a sensible and mature conversation discussing your interests?
And by "your" I mean "both of you", of course.
Because she may very well have things she might not want to discuss out of similar worries. Hell, she might have the exact same fantasies.
aflarge
Oh, we've talked about this kinda stuff. We also established that we'd both be fine with the other using holodeck porn in a Star Trek scenario, and if either of us gets isekaid, even if there's a chance we could be reunited one day, we have each other's full blessing to pursue anything, in the new life.
We have the IMPORTANT conversations, we're ADULTS :P
aflarge
Although if the holodeck character became sentient, it'd have to end, because a sentient hologram is a person, even if they're not made of meat, and the whole reason it's okay to bang holograms is because they're just really good sex dolls, not people. If they're people, it's cheating. Also there's the issue of consent, etc.
apairofpetducks
All very reasonable rules. Pretty much what my husband and I have worked out. And "holodeck" is *always* the correct answer to "what star trek tech do you wish you had?" Too many people get excited for a replicator and miss the big wonderful mega-replicator that can even have more replicators in it!