AccountusYeetus
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Throwaway account, because reasons.
To make a long story incredibly short, I've known since I was about 6 or 7 years old, and the first time I brought it up my mom barricaded me in my room for two days without food or water. I brought it up to foster parents when I was 15 and their response was to call the cops and claim I was suicidal, which resulted in an extended stay in a youth psychiatric hospital (and my first experiences being sexually assaulted).
While I doubt anyone would (or could) do those sorts of things to me now, I can't seem to shake the fear of it in the back of my mind. The experiences shaped me too strongly. So here I am, stuck trapped between a state of perpetual dysphoria and a traumatic fear response. I feel like an idiot and a coward. I envy everyone who can muster up the courage to come out, because I just can't. Even anonymously like this is hard to type.
tl;dr trauma keeps me from being who I am, and I feel awful because of it.
Edit: All of you, every single one of you who commented or upvoted or DM'd me are just the absolute best people. I genuinely don't even know what to say, I'm literally in tears over how utterly supportive and kind you all are. I'm just blown away. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
ltoka00
Hugs @OP. I wish people were kinder.
RatoMolhado
I hope you find the strength to live your life on your terms. But even if you can't, this still applies <3
Whiskeyjelly
I’m sorry OP. Just because you’re not ready now doesn’t mean you’ll never be ready. Try counseling if you can or find an online community. I don’t know what you’re going through but I do know that your feelings are valid and you deserve to be happy and comfortable in your own life.
choicebutts2
Everything in its own time. I waited until I was 49, after my parents were both gone. You can get gender counseling without commiting to transition. Sounds like you need to deal with some trauma first. Transition can be a long process and deserves careful thought and good self-awareness. Don't rush it, it's not a competition. Compartmentalising your social life might help. Find a queer group to hang with sometimes.
AeternalDreamer
As a trans woman I'm really horrified that you had to go through these experiences. You've suffered more than many of us seemed to have, though a great deal of us do in fact suffer. You are valid. You may not realize it, but there's a lot of trans communities that would love to have you as a part of them. I hope someday that you can break free from your fear and safely transition. Please try to live as safely and happily as you can.
dopaminelever
I see you. You deserve love and support. You’re not alone. One thing that helped me a TON was finding a therapist who specializes in gender stuff. That and finding community afk. Love you
CrisprCAS
rando913
I'm so sorry OP. Sending lots of hugs. No part of what happened to you is okay. You have the right to react how ever you need, but you also deserve to be happy. I hope you can find LGBTQ safe counselors, friends and created family so that you can feel free to be your authentic self 24/7. Until then, I hope you can know that you are strong, brave and a loveable person.
clearlyselfloving
unless you're like... 100 years old there's lots of time to work through traumas. But also, you can be whoever you want! I'm proud of you! You're not dumb or a coward because some other people suck, you're strong and brave for dealing with it. I'm sorry it happened to you, no one deserves that. Also hey, you came out on Imgur! Great job, love you lots.
RedTailedHawk
CrimsonShortOne
I'm so sorry you have had that experience. We love you no matter how you choose to live, and if you ever want to just try wearing clothes that make you feel like yourself, you never have to show anyone. It can be just for you. Something that makes you feel like your true self
KilljoyWasHere
I’ll share with you a quote from a very silly TV show that has stuck with me since the first time I heard it: “Any time someone steps up and shares who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.” So when I say thank you for telling us, I mean it. There is a community for you out there, and here online, whenever you want to engage with people who will respect and support you, and be happier for doing it. I’ll leave it at that. Please, take care of yourself.
Hotsauceman
You are not a coward nor an idiot, @OP. You are who you always have been and others don’t comprehend nor wish to. If you can see a therapist I would. I know others on here are able to provide resources if you need it. Here, on Imgur, you are accepted for being trans and you are loved. You have gone through such a tremendously horrific upbringing. If I could reach out through the void to hug you and say it’ll be better, I would. Till then, know that this community is goddamn supportive.
Zzap1
You say you feel like an idiot and a coward. The fact that you made this post is evidence pointing towards you being neither. All my love to you, internet stranger
MAN9000
AccountusYeetus
Some days, I'm alright. That's about the best I can say.
gdex86
Not trans, don't have to deal with the whole bag of bullshit you are dealing with to try to be happy. But I'm learning after a lifetime of just taking shit as it's piled on me that getting just a tiny bit for myself has made me want more and understanding that yeah I should fucking get to have it regardless of if it's going to make others pissed.
If you need a large intimidating guy to stand behind you with a bat as a threat to leave you be, my rates are reasonable.
MythIncarnate
Sadly I'm broke, heh. But I appreciate the offer. <3
(Also my brain is deeply broken and immediately went somewhere... Doofy. Yes, let's go with doofy.)
PoliticalWanderer
JustSomePersonThere
I adore this edit.
maxwilder
Ok this one legit made me tear up
DancesWithHippos
Jeez Louise! That's awful! I'm glad to find out from another post you have found the strength to work through some of this awful trauma!
ScarecrowSticks
Groups happen to help, whether it be in VRChat (not the best choice), communities based on shows, and maybe communities based on hobbies (I like the support of the furry community, and give that as an example and not a suggestion)
xmaneds
@OP #SupportGroup
BigBunnyBuns
As a fellow trans person, I just want you to know that this doesn't have to be your forever if you don't want it to be. And when I say "want", really think and reach deep inside yourself and think about what you *really* want, and not what is being written by your pain and fear. Being yourself is always worth it, darling.
It can be real, one day. Just maybe.
wabitgirl
Hey OP? There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you being the way you are. Hearing that won't change your life or undo your trauma, but it's the truth. Find a counselor you can trust, preferably one who specializes in trauma recovery in trans people. As insurmountable as these issues feel today, I promise that there are paths forward that involve you actualizing your internal state externally and being the person you've always known you are inside.
The haters? Fuck em. You owe them nothing.
xmaneds
JOKE IS ON YOU, OP, we love you ANYWAY
xmaneds
you said: "I feel like an idiot and a coward" -- your feelings are valid, but you are neither an idiot nor a coward. I strongly urge you to have a good life just one single day at a time. take care, throwaway account
qorogh
OP, I just found this five days after you posted it. If you haven't abandoned the account, I hope you see this. One day, perhaps you'll be able to move past your trauma. On that day, you'll start to reclaim your own identity. NEVER stop being YOU. I'm almost 68 years old and have two trans daughters, ages 21 and 17. The older one's boyfriend(?) (relationship status unclear) is transmasc. Just know there are people out here to whom this is a normal fact of life. Sending you TONS of love.
IlikehowScottishpeopletalk
I love you and you deserve to be happy
Psionickitten
You may love how Scottish people talk, but I love the way you positively treat people.
xmaneds
Ach the noo !
IlikehowScottishpeopletalk
Thank you, that's very kind of you to say. I love and appreciate you too.
GhostPussy
Some people need more time, don't say never because the future is unknowable. One day at a time baby, in the now I hope you're surrounded by people who'd love you regardless.
feelingleaves
it still takes therapy and time for most of us.
you can go at your own pace, and I'm sure it's confusing, frustrating, and just maddeningly painful- but I hope you can believe that you're worth the effort and bravery of going to therapy if nothing else <3 you deserve the healing
TheUpvoteYouDeserve
Never is a strong word, today it may feel impossible, but tomorrow is another day. Posting this, even anonymously, is a massive step. You may not be ready yet, but we are all here for you when you are. We love, care for and will support you through whatever you need. You are not alone.
TheMoonBreaker
Username checks out. (Alsow I hope you find happines and a place where you can be yourself)
DumpingSh1tandBeingKind2
You are seen and you are loved!! You could have used your real account because we all want to support you fully, just know this isn't something you have to hide from us... I'm so sorry you went through all that, people can be fucking assholes! But remember we're super proud of you, you didn't deserve that shit stranger!
DumpingSh1tandBeingKind2
To add, you're far from a coward!! You survived horrific abuse, you're a fucking rockstar! I really hope you have better people in your life now!
xmaneds
thank you for this comments, I must go dab my eyes, suddenly got dusty in here