Real and Terrifying Prehistoric Fucks

Gigantopithecus

You see that fat fuck up there? The orange one.

That's mother fucking Gigantopithecus. His name literally contains GIGANTO so you know he doesn't fuck around in his bamboo forests, jungles and mountainous stomping grounds of China, India and Vietnam during the Pleistocene. Fuck no!

This 550kgs juggernaut obviously devoured small children and- what? *indistinct chatter*

Oh, apparently it was vegetarian and only used its massive size to fend off predators... fucking fairy boy, grown ass ape wanna-be fuck turd.

Probably since he was some sissy pacifist he went extinct about 300,000 years ago because he got bullied by the wee little humans and was hunted to extinction. Pft. Wimp. and in case you're wondering, yes, people believe this guy survived all these years and is now referred to as the "Yeti" or "Bigfoot".

Pulmonoscorpius

Bro, do you even lift?

'Cause you can bet your sweet ass this scorpion is pumping iron in between crushing the skulls of Perseus and his dress wearing Grecian companions.

See? I'm not making this shit up.

This large, venomous fuckwad terrorized the swampy forests of the Carboniferous in what is today Scotland alongside his cat-sized cockroach buddies.

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..and 3 meter long centipede-relatives

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..and hawk-sized dragonflies.

MEGA "MO FUGGIN'" LODON

The above picture was taken in the Pacific Ocean c. 1942 during the Battle of Midway. It depicts an allied Aircraft Carrier battling what appears to be a pale, 3D dorito with teeth.... wait a minute.. THAT'S A FUCKING SHARK!!! WTF?!?!?

How can any creature get that large?!

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It can't.

This is a more realistic impression of what the monster known as Megalodon looked like. At 20 meters long and up to 60 tons of pure, dinosaur-eating muscle this goliath was about six times larger than my boy the T-Rex.

We base this off bones because there is no photographic evidence, dumbass.

The tragic part of these beasts is that they lived long after overgrown lizards roamed this planet and died before we Alpha Species sprouted from Mother Nature's dirty asshole.

However, they were around when our australopithecine walked their hairy asses out of the forests... if you believe in evolution and not the Magic Man in the clouds poofing us into existence.

This is how Megalodon stacked up against modern-day great whites and us humans.

Just look at this scale, a mother fucking banana wouldn't even appear on this bitch.

What? You think it would? Well maybe, I WAS TOO GODDAMN LAZY TO MS PAINT THAT BITCH THERE!

Sit the fuck down and keep reading before I shit change these pictures to porn and have your boss fire your pervert ass!

Purussaurus

You ever watch Lake Placid? You know, the one where Betty White is feeding baby monsters in hopes that they will devour the human race? I think that's the plot.

Either way, the real life massive "swallow human whole" bastard is called a Purussaurus. And of course this 8 million year old relative to alligators dominated the sea with it's 12 - 15 meter long cock. Or body, one of those.

Just look at that fucking monster make that T-Rex it's bitch!

That shit fucking happened if a T-Rex got too close to the watering hole. A FUCKING REXY GOT HIS ASS EATEN BY A CROC!!

I had to include this shit. That fuck tard is trying to be funny putting his puny-ass human head in the mouth of a fake Purussaurus.

"Yeah, jackass, let's see you do that it real life!" -Pissed off spectators, probably

Azhdarchid

Brooooo

That's a goddamn majestic swan!!!

You know, assuming swans ate people and other small mammals and completely terrorized the creatures of the land. Do you fucking see how large this bitch is?! It's a fucking flying giraffe!!! Not just in height but in proportion as well!!

This dis-proportioned pterosaur (pronounced 'terror saur', dumbass) got it's name from the Persian word for "dragon" so you know he don't fuck around.

Some species of Azhdarchid are known to be the largest flying animals of all time!

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"It's A GODDAMN AZHDARCHIDAE!!!!"

They are characterized by their stupid ass long necks and retarded looking body structure. They also have spear-like jaws. Azhdarchids were originally classified as close relatives of Pteranodon due to their long, toothless beaks, and the dumbass who made that shit up. Others have suggested they were more closely related to the toothy Ctenochasmatids, which are filter-feeders, like my fucking ex-wife... that bitch.

Fucking Sabertooth cat Tax

Shameless edit: My kids and wife and I did an unboxing video if your interested. Little fucking Minecraft toys. I'm the one with "Eat Shit" hat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8c9HB8xyKaU