Equality for all colors (email I sent to Starburst a few weeks back)

Dear Starburst,

I purchased a bag of the Starbursts which comes in small, opaque packages of two(see figure A) It was on sale, being right after Halloween and all, why not? Well, orange Starbursts are something I hold very near and dear to my heart. I even have a rating system, in which red and orange are the best flavors, pink is acceptable, and yellow is the bottom of the barrel, nobody likes it, and it’s the failed abortion of candy.

Well, I just opened 17 of your opaque, two-per-package Starbursts in an attempt to find one your deliciously delightful orange Starbursts. Upon opening the 17th package, I finally found one of my beloved orange Starbursts.

Based upon my numbers (see figure B.) from this sample, 2.94% of your Starbursts are orange, 27.47% are red, 29.41% are pink, and a whopping 41.17% of your entire Starburst population consist of the inferior failed abortion of corn syrup, sugar, hydrogenated palm kernel oil, etc. that you call “the yellow starbursts”

It’s almost like the more I like a color of Starburst, the less likely it occurs in the sample group. In a perfect world, there would be 25% of each, which is a number I could live with in terms of a “yellow starbursts to acceptable colors” ratio. However, you have gone too far, and I am now calling for the rounding up and destruction of every last one of the remaining yellow Starbursts, as well as a complete cease of production of this abomination of a flavor.

I know I sound like a crazy Adolf Hitler-Willy Wonka cross breed, but get your fucking shit together.

Love,

DogeMeister