It's National Dante Day! Here's a comedic summary of Dante's Inferno.

It's national Dante Day in Italy. I study Dante in my off-time so today i'm filling imgur with some cool posts about Italy's preeminent poet (see my profile for more over the day!).

Let's roll.

BACKGROUND

Inferno is an allegory and self-insert fanfiction. Dante was really pissed off about some guys who kicked him out of Florence 700 years ago, so he wrote a story about Hell and filled it with all the people he hated/ knew/ heard of. He's guided around Hell by Virgil, because Dante was a massive Virgil fanboy and really wanted senpai to notice him. Also Virgil wrote some stuff about the underworld as well, which Dante shamelessly reposts.

PRE-INFERNO

Story starts in a forest in Jerusalem. Dante almost gets mauled by three animals whilst trying to climb up a sun-drenched hill. He meets Virgil and Virgil says the only way to Heaven is through Hell. Dante doesn't question anything and just decides to follow him wherever.

CIRCLE 1

First circle is Limbo, where virtuous souls are punished because they couldn't help but commit sin. People born before Christ resolved original sin. Stillborns etc. Their punishment is that they can't go to Heaven, but they live in a nice gardened citadel, so they've got that going for them. Dante gets to fanboy out on some of his literature heroes, showing everyone how cool he is now, hanging with the cool kids.

CIRCLE 2

Second circle is the Lustful, where people are blown about in a massive hurricane for eternity. Sassy Virgil flaunts about how smart he is. Dante passes out because he feels dat lusty feels of Francesca, yo.

CIRCLE 3

Third circle is Gluttons, they live in mud and sludge and writhe around like pigs. They get rained on constantly and repeatedly eaten by Cerberus. One of the gluttons calls himself "Ciacco" which is Italian for pig. Dante ignores him repeatedly. Virgil decides to suddenly describe the Christian apocalypse.

CIRCLE 4

Fourth circle is Avarice/Prodigality, people who hoarded too much wealth, spent too much wealth (probably on cool-ass 13th century Italian Guelph hats). They're forced to push around big rocks and smash them against other rocks whilst yelling at each other "WHY YOU SUCH A DICK". Dante sees guys from the church because he really fuckin' hated the state of the church.

CIRCLE 5

Fifth circle is the Wrathful/ Sullen, people who couldn't control their temper and people who were miserable. The Wrathful wrestle in mud pits along the banks of the river Styx (which surrounds the Hell-city of Dis). Sullen live in the mud underneath them and gurgle hymns. Virgil throws a guy Dante doesn't like off of a boat and Dante loves it.

GATES OF DIS

Virgil struggles to deal with a mob of sinners who wont let him enter the city of Dis. A messenger of heaven shows up, uses their limit breaker and smashes the gate open with a magic wand. Dante loses his absolute shit.

CIRCLE 6

Sixth circle is the Heretics, specifically people who believed the soul died within the body. They're in open burning tombs because they're "The dead among the dead." Dante ignores one of his IRL friend's dad because he likes the way another sinner is talking about his future. Dante says it smells like ass in Circle 6.

CIRCLE 7

Virgil tells Dante what to expect next, insults a Minotaur and almost gets Dante killed.

Seventh circle is the violent, which is split into violence against others, violence against oneself and violence against God.

-7.1 Dante rides a murder-centaur next to a river of boiling blood full of tortured souls. Metal bands everywhere take photos for album covers.

-7.2 Poets enter a suicide forest where Virgil tells Dante to break off a branch of a black tree. The tree gets mad and turns out to be a sinner; which is what suicide victims eventually become. Virgil apologises to the tree, yells at Dante for not listening to him and then breaks a branch off for himself.

-7.3 Dante points out an eternal fire/ acid rain on a desert-like mound. One badass is standing up in the rain yelling "YO DIS ALL YOU GOT, GOD?!". Poets walk back to 7.1 and Dante sees one of his mentors taking a swim in the blood river. Feels Dante returns for feels.

Dante and Virgil ride a monster that looks like it was spewed from Satans arse into a (seemingly) bottomless pit.

CIRCLE 8

8th circle is the fraudsters, which is split up into 10 brief different punishments related to lying about stuff.

- 8.1 Dante sees a naked guy being gimp whipped by a demon. The sinner pimped out his sister to a marquis.

- 8.2 A woman is fighting in a poop pit for excessively thanking a guy for sex.

- 8.3 People upside down buried in the ground with their feet on fire. One of them is a former Pope. Dante is overjoyed to see the Pope in this unfortunate predicament.

- 8.4 People crying onto their butts because their heads are on backwards.

- 8.5 Corrupt politicians getting drowned in pitch by angry Demons. Dante and the Demon go for a stroll like new bestest buddies.

- 8.6 Guys wearing the heaviest, pimpest, goldest cloaks walk over a guy crucified to the ground.

- 8.7 Sinners DNA Digivolve into horrible Cthulhu-esque monsters as Dante watches on in horror. LSD users everywhere feel empathy.

- 8.8 People lit on fire, one of them makes dying Bull noises. Dante confused as shit.

- 8.9 Sinners show Dante their insides because Dante is cooler and more living than them.

- 8.10 Diseased people get into an argument, Dante is interested and Virgil slaps him for being interested.

CIRCLE 9

Dante and Virgil meet some giants. One giant gently caresses Dante with his big soft manly giant hands and puts him safely into circle 9.

9th circle is the treacherous and it's split up into sections.

9.1 People embedded in a sea of ice, Virgil sees one guy with his head above the ice and Dante kicks him in the head. No ragrets.

9.2 More ice. Dante hears the story of a guy locked in a tower with his sons and ate them because he was hungry. Dante says he wishes the sinner had drowned, demonstrating how unbelievably whacko he is becoming.

9.3 Dante talks about one of the guys he hates, who is still alive, and says that the guy is already in this part of Hell because a Demon is wearing his fleshy man suit in the real world. Dude he's talking about in the real world goes "wut".

9.4 Lucifer is chained up in the ice chewing on some hardcore historical traitors like Judas and Brutus. Dante and Virgil climb up past Satans hairy crotch to leave the Inferno and gravity flips upside down when they reach his manhood, indicating that the core of the Earth is Lucifer's enormous ball sack

They leave and Purgatorio starts