nightripper
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Placed an eBay order a bit back. Got this overstuffed box bursting at the seams atop my porch.
I'm a brave man, and didn't censor my address--if you can read it through potato, you deserve it. I welcome dragon dildos in the mail from our resident pixel sleuth.
Rotating it, you can see a lot better what I mean by overstuffed.
That's enough bulge to shame a futa, for Christ's sake!
I whip out my TacForce EMT pocket knife, wedging off the top of the box. I'm not an EMT, I just bought it figuring I'll cut myself with it eventually and need one.
Ah, good. I sorely needed these bath towels. Guess this is what I get for buying a dozen under $20 with free expedited shipping.
Now to show off my monitor tan and rippin' six pack. Just give it a good tug with ol' fappy...
HHRRGGHH!
HHHHRRRRGGGGHHHH!
What the fuck did they use to get this thing in there?! A goddamn hydraulic press?!
Okay, fuck this. I cut into the corner of the box. Note how I was careful, cutting away from me with a backhand stroke. Safety first, kids!
Get a nice, long, albeit uneven, gash. Note the blade now carelessly pointing towards me, rather than away.
The rest I could just rip apart with my hands. Knife menacingly close to manhood.
Finally got the thing out, goods intact. Both my own and the stuff I ordered!
Side by side comparison of the shredded box to the contents. Twelve towels, folded in half, in a bag.
Swollen to twice their size in all their folded, moisture-wicking glory. Flat rate box for scale.
mustang2733
"That's enough bulge to shame a futa" Oh my God that's a good one!
IMadeThisOnlyForDestinyCodeBegging
You think I'm rich enough to start sending fucking Bad Dragon dildos to random blokes online??
theonlythingicouldthinkof
They really went postal on those towels! They weren't mailing it in at all! I was suspicious of this post, but OP delivered! OK I'm spent.
Zlimeshili
Dragon dildos are expensive
futonrevolutionary
Someone stole those towels from a shitty hotel.
boogersweretasty
I guess that's better than an over-sized and half-empty box that you have to pay extra shipping for...
PhysicalBiogeochemistry
Enhance, enhance, enhance. It doesn't work, I have no idea what the address is.
nightripper
http://imgur.com/xpTBh
tyuijhgf
@op to shame a futa huh? My kind of man :>
CrapBagandSaladDressing
keybumpsnhugedumps
Lololol
jugueterabioso
This is obviously a ploy for free dragon dildos
nightripper
http://imgur.com/jvsIqgz
Azmania
Address: P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney AUS 1235
GoldenFloor8
I lost it at enough bulge to shame a fute, n...not that i have any idea what a futa us
charonsfee
That is like, the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can carry. x12.
jackthezipper
Complete with Holiday Inn logos too, eh?
norrinraddsboard
Careful with Ol' Fappy
tyrozin
I am from now on going to refer to my right hand as "ol' fappy", brilliant stuff!
whatseventhepointt
This was oddly a wild ride.
Lexsteel11
+1 for Ol' Fappy
cadrette
I'm whelmed af
twofishtails
Emotionally exhausted!!
Foxhack
Interesting - that box shouldn't have been mailed like that. We're not allowed to use tape on flat rate packaging with adhesive on it.
Zorathex
If it fits i sits
nightripper
instantbeetle
Did you really just show off a $10 tacticool walmart knife?
nightripper
If you think that's flashy, just wait until you have to deal with *this:* http://www.ebay.com/itm/311499275705
AwwGeeRick
That item description is a tragedy.
nightripper
But... are *your* sunglasses made of PC explosion-proof plastic? I think not!
lievew
Sweet shirt.
dontcall
You're a towel.
JustSomeEnglishGuy
Wanna get high?
BustyCrustacean
EmotionallyCrippled
@op you won't believe me, I just looked for towels several hours ago. So, how are they? Would you recommend it?
VBot
I wanted to know too. What kind of towel is that, seller name?
nightripper
Little on the thin side, but if you're utilitarian like me, more than sufficient. One good thing about being thin, though: stacks compactly.
Masterplans
Upvote for futa comment made me lol
sixpintsofbitterandquicklyplease
What does futa mean? Internet isn't giving me the right answer I think.
LiterallyWorseThanHitler
Looks like a girl, but has both sets of parts.
nightripper
Anime lady with manly parts. They're commonly drawn with a bulge of titanic proportions.
sixpintsofbitterandquicklyplease
Thanks y'all I am enlightened
Millillion
Specifically a girl with all the lady parts AND a penis. Testicles optional. Often portrayed with enormous schlongs.
TossABabyYodaToYourWitcher
A girl with a big ol' donger
Loina
I laughed up until my brain went "Oh he's been to some seedy places"
TrueNateDogg
Seedy hehehehehehehe
Pangs
Nice try, prevert. I'm not sending you free dragon dildos.
iamthemachine
Right? Why would I send him one when I can just send it to me and have a very merry christmas..er..august? Halloween? w/e. lets masturbate.
nightripper
http://imgur.com/ehWKATx
FemaleINTJ
Way too expensive to send to a stranger.
Typohime
Yeah. You send that shit to someone you want to scarouse.
calzenth
Just what I was thinking those things are like $100+
605Scorpion
seems like a prime candidate for /r/mildyinteresting
Turbosnailz
But thats reddit...
wintercoat
Mildly? Bitch, I was enthralled!
sarabear
"Bitch, I was enthralled!" Golden
TheGamingPacman
If only it was shipped by Amazon...
ecodude
It'd be in an industrial sized crate surrounded by bubble wrap.
Noevilgifs
And not the small stuff, the huge bubbles
nightripper
I ordered a mousepad from Walmart once that shipped in a box large enough for a desktop computer.
5aminsd
How did they get them inside the box?!
Kimanous
They took that box's virginity
Morbidobesity
I say they vacuum sealed the bag really well but then it broke the seal during shipping.
0xFFF1
With a hydraulic press.
twofishtails
Never giving up and not throwing in the towel!
nightripper
I'll fire off a message to the seller and get back to you when I get a response.
hblb229
.
javer80
You're an everyday hero, OP.
AuroraNora33
.
5aminsd
This is a case for Sherlock Holmes
smithd7
.
nightripper
Alas, FML: http://imgur.com/wpk4y9e . But hopefully I'll be able to get back to y'all tomorrow. Or maybe the 16th.
saharadesert
ARGH!
nightripper
The anticlimactic conclusion to the towel saga: http://imgur.com/s9BgtCm . Turns out they used good ol' fashioned elbow grease.
nightripper
OP delivered. @0xFFF1 @Morbidobesity @newspeaksneakpeek @Saminsd @javer80 @UHavinAGiggleTherM8 @hblb229 @dustinsmith7 @saharadesert
AuroraNora33
.
javer80
http://i25.tinypic.com/l9ttl.jpg
RamothBezerWasAlreadyTaken
This is the most interesting post on towels I have even see here.
[deleted]
[deleted]
SithElephant
WoopDeFrickenDoo
It's one of the better towel posts, to be sure - but let's not be hyperbolic.
StatisticallyInsignificantCanadian
At least you know where it is.
InsolventTacos
This is the only post on towels I have seen here.
dejavu85308
Don't forget to bring a towel!
Meltemi
You're definitely one hoopy frood.
Visser3
you're a towel
samsonguy920
I, too, am absorbent and fluffy.
SinAlma
Are there many other posts on towels???
TattooedNurse
hope so, you should always know where your towel is!
twofishtails
First Rule of Towel Club, never talk about Towel Club.
SpaceTimer8032
Listen when you've been on imgur for 5 years you see some shit
twofishtails
Truer words were never spoken.
dejavu85308
Well of course you have seen a lot of shit but he was asking about towels
SinAlma
Speak for yourself, what if I'm interested in this dudes shit?
pandorafalters
What makes you think @SpaceTimer8032 wasn't also talking about towels?
justyouraverageaussiegirl
I really want to decipher your address and then just send you random shit like a pizza or a cheese grater OP
DarthTalonPewPew
send that dragon dildo haha
ParaQuantum
Yeah! Dragon dildos are expensive
OtterlyKim
YES PLEASE. SEND GIFTS
Magpiebones
Next weeks news: a man crushed under a peculiar pile of mailed cheese graters with one pizza thrown on top.
WoopDeFrickenDoo
Maybe that can be his internet fame thing. You send him packages packed outlandishly tightly, and he opens them.
reversinatir
Can I have a cheese grater? Mine doesn't work well anymore since it broke.
OhMyGodTheyKilledBrianYouBastards
But like a pizza with only bbq sauce and green peppers..
MoonshineCat
I'd eat it.
ChainsawHandsJoe
None pizza with left beef?
ThomasMcMullin
You can totally send me a Pizza if you want. I'm super hungry.
WoodisGood
Careful, you might get Hawaiian...
StabbyMcMurder
Can I get in on this action?
ImNotTaylorSwift
Send me an address and I'll send your ass a pizza.
lmOIdGREEGG
Same here, but payday is soon!
MoreCowbell
There's always reddit.com/r/RandomActsOfpizza
ThomasMcMullin
I've posted there before, but I don't like posting in a way to guilt people into giving me pizza, but that's what most folks do.
lmOIdGREEGG
I've tried before, there were no random acts of pizza. A while ago some very nice people on here helped me out, which I paid for in nudes
NextToNobody
You can pay in nudes? I'm finally rich!