anActualHumanPerson
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Due to circumstances outside my control, the only friend group that I had imploded a couple years ago.
Since then, I've found that it's nearly impossible to make new friends as an adult, especially while working multiple jobs just to make ends meet so my kids can stay housed and fed.
Younger me for some reason thought that when I turned 40, there would be a nice little get together with those friends, maybe a couple board games, and we'd fall into chatting about our decades of shared history.
But younger me was dumb enough to also think I'd be able to afford three kids on a single salary (to be fair, the salary isn't bad and would be twice what I'd need if it were just me).
There is a lot I didn't foresee. But I always thought I'd have someone around to celebrate at least the milestone birthdays with.
I did get to spend most of the day with my kids, which was wonderful. But when their mom took them in the evening, I had nowhere to go and no one to invite out, so I drove around a bit, grabbed dinner solo, then spent most of the evening alone at a bar.
But on the plus side, the people next to me at the bar found out it was my birthday, and secretly covered my tab.
Between that and the time with my kids, I guess it wasn't a bad day, all things considered.
I may not be able to respond immediately, but AMA, I guess. Maybe we can be friends.
--
Most viral edit: well, I didn't expect that. If it's still a thing, send something about your life that's made you hopeful. Or recipes for your go to struggle meals for when you're broke, so I can try them. Or your creepiest selfie. Or ignore this altogether, I'm not your supervisor.
OnlyForTheBest
Belated Happy Birthday!
anActualHumanPerson
Thank you, that was lovely. Though I am glad no waitstaff did that while I was eating my dinner alone last night.
gtotherizzle
I turned 40 in 2020. I was at work as is my way. The 6 week lockdown was months ago, the job that wasn't a real job was a month ago. And I was working with friends who got me. They made a huge spectacle and made me choke up.
anActualHumanPerson
That sounds like a good time.
And I'm still having issues understanding and processing how 2020 could possibly already be four years ago.
m0oktakul0us
Happy birthday. I feel ya, turning fourtysomething in a few meself.
anActualHumanPerson
Thanks! And happy early birthday. Hope it's full of the most exquisite cheeses (unless you're lactose averse...then maybe just good company).
trikucian
@op read the story of Pandora’s box to your kids, it’s got a good story about hope in it. Otherwise, if there isn’t already a board game meetup in your town, start one yourself! Work with the local library or board game cafe to make every other Wednesday or something board game night. You can bring your kids, it can be a nice family thing. And try reconnecting with your old friends. Unless they’re felons it’s probably worth it
anActualHumanPerson
I hadn't ever really thought of Pandora's box as a children's story, but maybe that's because I didn't hear it as a child. Any recommended translations/tellings?
Working on board game things, though it's complicated at times with four year olds.
I've been reconnecting with some of my friends, though having a whole group that used to have each other's backs was an entirely different thing. Working on building something similar but hopefully better, but time is time, and there's not enough of it
jkwgn
52. Love quiet Birthdays. Everything is about hobbies and interests now. Read more. Happy Birthday! Make yourself happy! Good Luck!
anActualHumanPerson
Thanks. Working on it, in the moments I'm able to find time. Also, that's a pretty nice Betty White bouquet you've got there.
scoutMoonDiver
anActualHumanPerson
Thanks!
bunnyandbear
Best bar hopping I ever did was with a group of complete strangers. Good times. Don't remember who any of them were, but it was FUN.
anActualHumanPerson
That honestly sounds like a blast. I'll have to try that out sometime.
eastend666
Good for you. For my 40th, my well-meaning family bought me a flower arrangement. I was not a happy man.
anActualHumanPerson
Like a funeral wreath, or....?
TheFunionKnight
Nearly 40 and don't have a friend group to implode don't know wether to laugh or cry
anActualHumanPerson
Why not both?
anActualHumanPerson
But that's the real question though. Do you want a friend group?
I'm sort of working on building one, but it's been mostly on hold since whenever I'm not with my kids, I am usually working.
Predacane35
Why is it so fkn hard to connect with new people face to face? Is it so much to ask that we connect online and are allowed to meet? Let's normalise real life connections for online people. Also, how to make friends online.
My friend group also imploded after covid. It wasn't because of covid, but covid exacerbated other issues.
anActualHumanPerson
Yeah, Covid definitely played a role with mine, combined with a few massive betrayals of trust that were the catalyst that really put an end to the group.
And yeah, I would love a way to find local, actual friends online that I could hang out with in the physical world. I think there are even some apps that are designed for that (though with very small user bases from what I've seen), but I'm also working with a time deficit with the multiple jobs and all that, which limits...well, everything.
RevolutionOnHerLips
I used to use Meetup (meetup.com) to find groups of people doing stuff local to me. After my breakup, my ex found a lot of friends in local facebook groups. I don't use facebook but she has traveled around the country and met lots of people in every state she's stayed in. She goes bar hopping or karaoke or to a show with random online people wherever she's at. You should definitely do some searching to meet people for activities near you!
anActualHumanPerson
I am working on that, here and there. Meetup is on my short list of tools to use when I'm actually able to make a little more time for investing in new friendships. Currently a bit held back there just with financial things following a divorce meaning working so much of the time.
GussDeBlod
Hey I turned 40 last september, welcome to the club! I also had nobody to celebrate with, or family, so I spent it alone playing video games ! XD
anActualHumanPerson
Thank you! And sorry about your solo birthday.
I haven't touched a video game in far too long. I need to remedy that soon.
GussDeBlod
It's ok I spent my last 10 bday alone, I have friends but they live far away, I see them once a year, twice at best. But 2 days later I was babysitting and one of the girl remembered it was my bday so she made me a cake and a drawing, and we had a lovely evening watching a movie and falling asleep on the couch XD Ok the cake was just two cookies with icecream in between, still nice XD
anActualHumanPerson
Honestly, that's a pretty solid choice for a cake.
pianostacatto
I feel that is life in general. You cannot bring everything with you, or you just lose things on the way of your own journey. I have nearly replaced my entire adolescent friend group. It's something I never saw coming decades ago.
anActualHumanPerson
Yeah, that is true. My adolescent friend group was already long gone. This was the group that I'd spent the past nearly two decades of my adult life with. But still, it does happen, and you hold to what you can, and keep looking for ways to make things better.
Yufer
Happy birthday that is one of my worries i have a small group of friends and one moved away recently hopefully everyone else remains close.
anActualHumanPerson
In my case, most of them are still around the same city, but there were some massive betrayals of trust surrounding and in part causing the end of two marriages in the group (mine included).
If they'd moved away, it would be sad, but I think I would have preferred it over what happened.
But yeah, hold onto those close friends while you have them, and maybe schedule regular virtual hangouts (or at least checkins) with that recent departure. Friends can still be close from far away sometimes.
shapr
I'm a few months into 52, just moved across country. I'm good at making new friends.
If you're in the Boston area, let's hang out.
anActualHumanPerson
Dang, I wish. I've never been to Boston (in the fall or otherwise). I'm in KC, so the commute would be killer. But I appreciate the invite.
ethicalinfant
anActualHumanPerson
rubypilgrim
OP, happy birthday, even if it wasn't what you were hoping for. Not too many recipes here, so here's my cheapo go to: avgolemono. Can be a soup or a rice dish or anything you want. 1 can chicken broth
1 egg yolk
2 T lemon juice, or to taste
3 handfuls rice (1/3 c?) Mix the lemon juice with the egg yolk, beating thoroughly. Cook the rice in the chicken broth - add more liquid if you need to, it's forgiving. When the rice is cooked-
rubypilgrim
add the lemon juice-egg mixture, pouring in a thin stream and stirring constantly so it doesn't curdle. Adjust the lemon mixture to taste, spice to taste, and serve hot. I often toss in a little garlic or curry powder. It can be as thick as a side dish or more liquid for a soup. You can season it or add veggies and chicken or turkey as you like.
anActualHumanPerson
This sounds very good, and within my abilities to make. Thank you!
FrogDeKermit
Happy birthday friend!
anActualHumanPerson
Thank you!
tacoaboutit
anActualHumanPerson
Thank you!
Your Christmas ham and the taco sweater are inspirational.
tacoaboutit
I do my best!
kojitaru
Something about my life that’s made me hopeful.. Recently I’ve reignited my love for my work. Not my job, per se, but the core of what I do. I have always wanted to be on this path, even if I landed not exactly where my heart had dreamed. But remembering what got me excited in the first place gives me hope. There is so much to learn, so much exploration to do, so much random shit to play with. It has been so invigorating, even if I’ve been up till 3a all weekend twiddling with neovim configs
anActualHumanPerson
The way I just knew this was about programming well before I ever got to the end...
What is your favorite thing you've built/worked on (excepting any NDA things you can't talk about)?
kojitaru
An amazing question that I randomly ask myself while having an inner monologue “what if I got asked in an interview” session. There are probably two answers to this on drastically different ends of the spectrum. The first was years ago while dealing with ownership calculations. Fundamentally not complicated, an n-tree where the root is some thing and the parents represent owners of that thing and their % ownership. But there was something deeply satisfying about optimizing the way the trees (1)
kojitaru
were built not only for space but also to minimize traversals when applying rules that helped simplify the tree (e.g., one party owns >=x% and everyone else
kojitaru
to bear on a pretty different problem. The lessons learned translated better than I thought they would and really made an impact in easing the lives of my team. At it’s core, I think those examples highlight why I love my work: the challenges are all over the place, even the tools in the kit vary, but at the end of the day it’s bending your brain to solve puzzles in an optimal way. And I get to help teach and improve the lives of people around me at the same time. Wins all the way around!
anActualHumanPerson
Those both sound like rewarding projects for completely different reasons. I never messed with much backend dev. My experience in that is a bit more limited to some brief forays into video game development and my knowledge of coding helping in my current job where I work with some front-end website things (though it's mostly CMS templated, so not a whole lot of coding work for me).
HollerinAtTheVoid
Turned 40 a few months ago and was in a similar boat. Friends from a few years back scattered across the country for new jobs. I was lucky enough to have my wife to celebrate with, but she kept saying things like "you should invite your friends!". OK, so which ones? Can they afford to fly across country for one night? A couple of them can't take off from clinical rotation. *shrugs* I hate that I'm low-key hoping that my 2 year old's friends have some decent parents to possibly make friends with.
anActualHumanPerson
Well, happy late birthday then. If you're in the KC area, we can be friends.
If not, I guess we can still be friends, but I also can't afford to fly anywhere at the moment, so that's not helpful.
Kid friends can definitely help make some connections. I have at least a couple acquaintances bordering on friendship based solely on the fact that my oldest kid made friends with one of their kids.
HollerinAtTheVoid
Happy birthday to you as well! Dallas/Fort Worth unfortunately. The place where you stole the good football team from (used to be the Dallas Texans before becoming the Chiefs).
If you're ever in town I'd be happy to show you around and if work takes me to KC, I'll reach out.
Yeah, I've met a couple cool families, but we're all so exhausted from these 2 year olds we're like "we'll try to schedule when we can" and aligning schedules becomes a challenge
anActualHumanPerson
Thanks, I'm all for either. Haven't been to Texas in several years.
And yes, scheduling is always the thing with the very young kids. When they get a little older and can take care of themselves for short bits, it does get (some) better.
MadamPuddifoot
Hey @op! I turned 40 on Friday, and celebrated by myself Saturday (had a friend fall ill and couldn't make it out). It isn't all bad! Happy birthday to you and feel free to shoot me a message, fellow early January birthdayer
anActualHumanPerson
Friday, eh?
Looks like our birthdays bookend a rather infamous event.
I propose we find a way to meet up on the sixth some year and have a big party, even if it's only with a few people. It'd be nice to associate the day with something positive. But it looks like you may be a bit far from KC.
What did you end up doing for your solo party? And I hope your friend gets to feeling better quickly.
MadamPuddifoot
Hey, I'm down. Although yes, I am pretty far from casey. I spent the day at Universal Studios Florida and then went to Ikea and had some meatballs. Which is exactly what I wanted. Coincidentally comma I found out today that my cake day is your birthday so happy birthday to you belatedly!
anActualHumanPerson
Oh nice, and thank you. That sounds like a good day. I don't know that I've never thought of going to a theme park for my birthday. But then, none of them are open here on my birthday, since it's too cold for that.
I'm glad you got to do the things you wanted.
Emiloo74
Belated happy birthday, @op.
anActualHumanPerson
Thank you!
slidewhistlesymphony
I just turned to 57, and looking into the future with my head in my hands.
justfiguredoutimc4azyanddumbb
Hey, we should all hang out and be friends except everyone would hate it
WillWorkForHeadpats
Just turned 47 a few weeks ago. A future of me sitting here alone is all I can see anymore.
anActualHumanPerson
I feel you on that.
Do you have any hobbies that bring you some peace?
slidewhistlesymphony
Yes, cooking and interacting with Imgur are pretty much my only hobbies now.
anActualHumanPerson
Someday I'll have more time to cook (I hope). What's the best thing you've made in recent memory? And what made it stand out?
Cargobiker530
Tonight I made colcannon for my mom. It's a dish of mashed potatoes, cabbage, & green onions. It's a fun dish because there's a lot of room for variation. Tonight I made it with romanesco instead of cabbage.
anActualHumanPerson
That sounds very good. Is romanesco that fractal looking broccoli thing?
slidewhistlesymphony
Made posole for Christmas. It had many fresh chiles in it, and made the posole wonderful and gobbled up by the family.
anActualHumanPerson
I'll admit, I had to look up what that is. And then I couldn't remember what hominy was, so I had to look that up too.
But that sounds delicious.
VanadromArda
I'd say you had a splendid and memorable Birthday; even it was for unexpected reasons. But that is how it is now; unexpected. It's new to ALL of us. These days we have to find catharsis in new and very different ways. Anyone capable of relating to the radical changes of our society has passed away well over a hundred years ago. We cannot rely on the experiences of our parents or their parents, etc. They literally lived in a better times. We should not measure our happiness against them. Happy BD
anActualHumanPerson
That is an interesting perspective. We are really all kind of just making this up as we go, and things have been getting increasingly more bizarre, especially with the exponentionally rapid development of modern tech.
I would argue one point though. I do think our parents and grandparents lived in different, more consistent times. I don't know that it was necessarily better. A lot has gotten worse, for sure. But a lot has also gotten better.
VanadromArda
@op Then I will gladly stand corrected on that element. Good feedback. I am inclined to agree with you; a lot of things have indeed gotten better. I admit I may use some heavy handed words now and then.
But yes; we are indeed making this all up as we go. I've had to radically adjust my own expectations. When I was young; I had this feeling I'd had my own family by the time I was 40. But I never pushed for one. A year ago I celebrated my 40th BDay alone, but not truly alone. (more)
VanadromArda
I found ways of reaching out to people in hobbies I enjoy. And found comfort in their virtual company. I found this to be far more satisfying. While the tactile touch of another human is precious to me; I still found the experiences, even virtual, were enough for me. I just had to change how I thought about it and not try to measure where I am based on the ideals of my younger self or those who came before me.
It's not easy. Sure; I'd appreciate it if things were different. But I'm still okay.
anActualHumanPerson
That is a good way of looking at things. Virtual connections are often just as valid and real as local friends in the meatspace, and sometimes moreso.
ethicalinfant
I had a similar experience very recently - just ended up alone right in time to turn 40 and spent the bday on my computer, gaming. I used to have a big in person friend group too, but after I quit going to the bar every day we lost touch. I've found that discord is a great way to find communities of people, if you happen to be a gamer. Even if not! Good luck, friend, and Happy Birthday!
anActualHumanPerson
I would be much more of a gamer if I had the time. I'm also one of the rare people that finds the discord interface a little too jumbled to keep up with the way I want to. It feels like a less organized and less readable iteration of slack. But definitely willing to give it another go, when I can make the time.
ethicalinfant
it's very similar to slack, for sure. I use slack for work and I like the option to create threads, which discord seems to kind of hide (but at least they exist now). Maybe you just need to find a smaller server? The channel bloat can get kind of insane and overwhelming, I agree, but that usually only happens on the really massive servers.
ethicalinfant
also, you can hide and mute channels in a server so that it only notifies you of the things you care about, and you can make it not DING at you constantly, too, which can get annoying. DM me if you are interested and want any help getting in to it!
anActualHumanPerson
I may reach out if I do get back into that. I only use discord for one thing currently, and that only barely. Mostly I ignore it.
ElbowDeepInAJedi
If you're ever in New Mexico you can hang with our friend group. Happy 40th birthday!
anActualHumanPerson
I am in KC and can't travel much at the moment (kids and joint custody and an overall lack of travel funds), but I very much appreciate the offer. Maybe one day.
lorakaine
Where in KC are you? We're in Belton and love board games!
anActualHumanPerson
I'm in Olathe, so honestly not all that far from you. As I mentioned, my schedule is a little bit insane though. But definitely feel free to message me. Might be able to arrange something one of these days.
moleclaw76
I’m 48 this year, squandered the opportunities and love my partner and our kids gave me. Got lost, got dark, got alone, and never been less happy. Glad you had a good birthday x Hope it’s a good year for you.
anActualHumanPerson
I know our experiences will differ greatly in the details, but that lost/dark/alone sentence is definitely a place I found myself for awhile.
But there's another side to that as well. I don't know your circumstances, but if you feel like you've squandered the important things, take some time to consider how you can move forward.
Can you make amends? While you can't restore everything broken, sometimes you can still take steps towards improvement.
moleclaw76
I think the damage I did was too severe, sadly, so it’s alone time for now. Consequences. But the beautiful thing is, no matter what happens, nothing can change the fact that for nearly ten years they loved me. And I’ll always, until the day I die, be grateful for that. 🥰
anActualHumanPerson
That situation sounds as difficult as the sentiment sounds beautiful. If you ever want to talk about it, though, I'm around. I will answer, though I can guarantee it won't always be quickly.
moleclaw76
Thank you ☺️ou
anActualHumanPerson
And also, consider where you are now. As long as you're trying to improve things and not squandering what you currently have, I think you're moving in the right direction.
moleclaw76
Yeah, I’m trying to. Sounds like you are too. Be well, be cosy, be kind to yourself, and love your kids xx
anActualHumanPerson
Absolutely. Thank you.
dontbringmedownbruce
I turn 40 next week. I've just booked my first ever solo foreign city break.
anActualHumanPerson
That sounds amazing! Can I ask where you're going?
Also, thanks to your username, I have some loud singing happening inside my head. Not complaining, but it's louder than usual.
dontbringmedownbruce
Paris then Berlin, with a half day in London first. I wanted to add more cities but I'm already stretching my budget at that.
anActualHumanPerson
That sounds like a great trip, all around.
anActualHumanPerson
And happy early birthday, I hope you have a fantastic time on your trip.
dontbringmedownbruce
Thank you, I'm brushing up on my conversational talk-into-Google-Translate-so-people-can-understand-me...ese.
anActualHumanPerson
The translator comment made my mind immediately jump to Denis from the TV adaptation of Preacher. I do hope your travels go better for you than his. But it is pretty amazing what some modern technology is capable of.
foo431
Welcome to 40. I celebrated mine by doing something that I never had the confidence to do when I was younger because life is short. It's taken me this long to finally feel good about my body and I was going to celebrate it. It's not too late to do the fun things
anActualHumanPerson
That's a fantastic perspective. Whatever you decided to do for that, I'm proud of you. It's good to find that confidence in yourself and to appreciate what you have.
But I mean, now I'm also obviously super curious about what that was you decided to do.
I've never really been confident socially, but I'm working on that, though my current time constraints have forced some hard limits on my ability to practice. I guess this post kind of counts towards that, in some form.
foo431
I don't mind sharing. I did a boudoir photo shoot. However, I have a specific vision for what I wanted, so I searched for a photographer that has experience with the style I wanted. I had friends that did these back in our 20s and they kept saying I should do one. I just never thought it would look good. But as I've gotten more comfortable with myself, I'm realizing it's the attitude that makes it. I actually felt really comfortable and had the thought for the first time...damn, I look good
anActualHumanPerson
That's amazing! I have so many more questions now, but I don't know you outside of this interchange, so I'm going to just go ahead and avoid most of those.
But yes, confidence itself is very attractive...it's a drawback that our minds tend to look for external validation to allow ourselves to feel confident, when actual confidence comes from within.
You're awesome, so remember to remind yourself that you're awesome.
foo431
That same weekend I also hiked the Columbia River gorge, and Mount Hood. So it was a big weekend of doing things that I had always wanted to do, because I'm an adult and I can do that!
anActualHumanPerson
I would love to be able to find time for hiking. I haven't been in so long.
But fun side story: I did a few NaNoWriMo events working on writing an urban fantasy trilogy. I never actually finished the thing, got pretty lost in it plotwise about halfway through the third book (then it would've needed massive rewrites for all three), but one of the books heavily featured Mt. Hood, though I've admittedly never been to Oregon.
anActualHumanPerson
Hopefully one day I'll make it out there though. It sounds like a lovely place, and not *just* because of a certain Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein project.
Mayfly10
Hey, it's my birthday today as well and I have no plans either.
anActualHumanPerson
Well happy birthday!
If you're near the KC area, we can grab some barbecue this weekend to celebrate.
Mayfly10
Happy birthday to you too. I'm on the wrong continent entirely, but I appreciate the invitation.
anActualHumanPerson
Fair enough. If you're ever here or if I'm ever back in the UK (if I'm reading your posts right), the offer stands. Though I'm not so sure about how the barbecue is there. Maybe we could hit a local pub and grab a Pimm's.
I do realize I may be guessing in the wrong region or country entirely, but that's what I went with, so I'm gonna stand by it until I get corrected.
Mayfly10
UK is right, I'm in South Yorkshire. And probably the only thing you'd recognise as barbecue in the UK would be specialist American barbecue.
anActualHumanPerson
In that case, maybe if I visit I'll finally get to find out what the deal is with Yorkshire pudding.