Hotel Stories

With over a decade in the industry (I'm a sucker for punishment), I have amassed quite a few stories over the years. Here's a small taste. If people like them, I can include more of the fun ones that come to mind. As I work the graveyard shift, I have a LOT of encounters that come to mind...

UPDATE: I'll post Part 2 (and maybe a 3 and onward) when I get home in a little while.

Problem Solving Techniques

This is becoming more common in a lot of the smaller-sized hotels around the country. Some, if not all of the entry doors to the hotel will lock, so you must either use a key to get in, or use a house phone to contact the staff to let you in. This is both for guest security, and the security of the people working there overnight (since, for overnighters, there are generally only a few people on staff, if not only a single person).

Our hotel locks every door, and there are very visible signs outside every door that explain how to get into the hotel. The one on the front door even includes pictures, so that non-native English speakers can figure out how to get in. This does not stop people from trying to bash their way in, then being very confused when the police arrive...since we tend to call the cops when someone does something like that.

No. Just no.

I've worked in hotels a long time. There ARE people that I've met who do know how to discreetly get things like this for guests, but you have to A) find someone who actually knows these things, and B) ask in a discreet enough manor that someone will not reject you out of hand.

In other words, straight-up asking for hookers and blow will get you rebuffed, and if you're too insistent about it, will probably get you evicted as well just to save us the grief later on.

And screw Reservations, by the way!

One of the shittier things that people outside of the hotel/airline industry don't always understand is that these companies will book rooms while making the assumption that YOU WILL NOT SHOW UP. Seems like a ballsy thing to do, right? Well, apparently not. In any given week, a hotel will have a certain percentage of rooms that No Show - meaning we will charge them for the night anyway, and walk away with pure profit (since nothing is spent to clean the room they were charged for). Every hotel company you have ever stayed for does this habitually when they are full; there is generally an oversell percentage that reservations is told to reach, so they are selling rooms they don't have in hopes that people cancel or no show.

Now, when everyone DOES show up for their rooms, it means a hotel has to "walk" someone...sending them to another hotel, and paying for their room for the night. Sometimes people are cool with this, sometimes they are furious, and every time, the people who were in no way responsible for it will take 100% of the heat and anger.

But you know who really gets mad? People who have SUITES that get walked. And when we're 100% full, and you overbook us by reserving the biggest, nicest rooms in the hotel, guess what? That blows. But hey, no need for common sense here, right? I'll just deal with your screw up later...

I love this woman.

This was one of my favorites over the years. At the time of this story, I was working as a security manager in my hotel. During a meeting with the other security managers (there were 3 of us), we got called to the lobby "as fast as possible" by our boss - never a good sign. When we got there, we encountered My Favorite Woman In The World, who proceeded to tell us the following story.

"I have a stalker." Kind of normal beginning; we respond by telling her that we have dealt with this sort of thing before, and start asking for things like a physical description, or a photo of the stalker so we can keep a watch out for them. Then, things go full bore crazy, as we begin to get details.

"Well, you see, he is my ex-husband. He formerly was a Texas Ranger (the cops, not the hockey team), but when he comes after me, he wears a special suit made of black rubber that covers his entire body. Once he has it on, anyone who is not a current or former Texas Ranger cannot see him at all. He comes into my room whenever I stay somewhere."

At this point, we're just trying to get through this conversation without being stabbed, so we all stay professional (or as close as we can, hiding our grins). "Well ma'am, your room does have a security latch as well as an electronic deadbolt, so he would not be able to come through the door." "Well, he comes in through the window." "Ok...uh...ma'am, your room is on the 31st floor." "Oh, he uses suction cups to climb the side of the building!" "Of course he does..."

We have a back and forth about this for a while, and she finally says "Well, I know he's been in my room already, because of last night."

"OK...how do you know this?"

"Well, if I wake up in the room while he's there, he blows a dust into my face that puts me to sleep. Then he puts things in my ears while I'm knocked out."

We have no reply.

"Anyway, I know there's not much you can do, I just wanted you to be aware in case I call for anything overnight!"

And off she went, into the crazy-ass sunset...

Of course not.

This happens all the time. And it is a no-win situation. If we close the pool for the safety of guests, we are assholes who don't care if we ruin the good time of everyone trying to use the pool. After all, we're only saving their lives.

Of course, if we don't close the pool fast enough for someone's standards, we are monsters who don't care if we risk the lives of children in the area. Never mind that we track the weather as closely as we can to evacuate once a storm is verified to be moving our way.

Nope, we're the monsters here.

Speaking of monsters...

Look douchewaffle, we have to ask. You KNOW we have to ask. Just reply with something vague and let us all move on with our lives. "Business." Done. We're not talking to you because we WANT to, it's our damn job to pretend we care.

And believe me, we are pretending.

Naturally.

If you're just a normal guest, you may not realize how much horrible (sometimes literal) shit has gone on in the average hotel room. After more than a decade, I've seen it all: porn being filmed, shit in the bed/on the floor/in the tub, domestic violence, straight up murder, puke EVERYWHERE, and so on.

The worst part is, you're not safe by paying more. In fact, in my experience, the pricier the hotel is, the more freaky, disgusting things happen inside the rooms. The luxury (4 and 5 star) hotels and resorts I've worked at have had the HIGHEST ratio of people shitting on the floors and walls in rooms that cost over $500 a night that I've ever seen. Something about going to a nice place just drops thousands of years of evolution right...well, not in the toilet, but somewhere in the room.

More common than you'd think.

Another one that we get a lot, particularly when there is a bachelor/bachelorette party, or a wedding in house. Some people just can't handle their liquor, and when you throw an open bar at them, things go south quickly. It's even worse when they have liquor in their room, then they hit a bar that doesn't realize how sauced they were before they even walked in the door. Now, when someone is a happy and friendly drunk, this is less of a problem. They're slightly annoying, but otherwise harmess.

But angry drunks? Hoo boy. Remember when I mentioned Domestic Assaults? Yeah, alcohol is almost always involved. And that's not mentioning the fights I've seen where someone punches the groom (or bride) of the wedding they just attended. Naturally, when someone is making decisions like that, they are not the wisest of people when the cops come looking for them.

I've seen a lot of cops get punched in my day. It is never a good idea, but the resulting douchebag beatdown is always amazing to see...

Of course, then you have to explain to mom why their kid is missing later when she calls. Oops!

Oh fuck

This one scared us shitless, but if you've seen it happen enough, you know how incredibly common this is. For those who don't know, Ambien is a particularly powerful sleep aid. It can be habit forming, but it also can have some interesting side effects. Specifically, some people take it while they are still doing things, then when it takes hold, they resist its effects to finish whatever they were doing (writing emails, brushing teeth, and so on). And for some people, this can induce something very similar to a fugue state, where they are active, but their minds are not really normal. It's similar to blacking out while drunk, but not passing out.

The call we got was from the husband, and he at least made sure to tell us that this had happened before with her Ambien. She would stay up working after taking it sometimes, and then send messages to him about being covered in blood.

Thankfully, when we checked on her in the room, she was ok. We did, however, get several fucked up calls from her later. That was an interesting night.

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

Of course, sometimes, we get a call along those same lines that is NOT a result of something throwing off someone's brain chemistry. Statistics have shows that people who rent a room for the explicit intent of committing suicide in it are traditionally (but not always) female; they do it because they don't want their family to have to find and clean up after them. They also do it because a hotel is designed to be a comfortable, soothing place/experience, which puts people in the frame of mind that "everything will be ok" after their death.

This means that every hotel staff member has been prepared for the "what if" situation, and trust me, that shit is not fucking fun. In this particular example, the guest was a woman. She checked in with me, and seemed perfectly normal, was very nice to everyone, and when we called her to see how she liked the room, she said it was beautiful. Everything seemed fine, until we got a frantic call from her husband. She had sent her suicide note via email expecting him to be busy at work, but he just happened to check his phone minutes later. We called the room, got no answer, so went up to check on her, and found her passed out in the shower with her wrists slit. We had already called 911 just in case, so they arrived shortly after to assist. Stayed with her until the ambulance left, and she ended up making it since we had applied good pressure to her wounds, and slowed the bleeding.

After they left, I noticed only then that other guests were staring at me, and I realized that I looked like a murderer, as I was completely covered in blood, right up to the point that I had left footprints. Shit. Ended up being sent home to change and deal with what happened emotionally, but at least that one lived. Unfortunately, several others I've had to respond to (suicide and similar emergencies) weren't so lucky. But that's a story for another time.