(Just) holding on

This year has been more difficult than some. My parents got divorced, my younger sister refuses to talk to my dad as a result of it, and my mom is constantly bashing my dad, to the point where I just don't call her anymore. My youngest brother has just shut everyone out.

My great-grandfather passed away a month and a half ago. This magnificent SOB lived to be 103 years old and a day, and he had all his wits and humour until the day he died. I am so lucky that I got to know him, and catch a glimpse into history through his stories. Even though I know it was his time, he was my favourite person in the world and I will miss him for the rest of my life.

Hearing my cousins pick over belonging for a man that they barely knew hurt. Their complete lack of sensitivity towards the grief of my brother, sister and I was maddening. I don’t want to see them at Christmas, but this is the only time my dad gets to see my sister all year.

I’m trying so hard to be strong. As my family fell apart around me, I’ve been the steady one, the one that seemed to take a step back and view things sensibly. But my edges are starting to show. It feels like I’ve been having anxiety attacks at least twice a week since September. I can’t sleep, I’m lazy and lethargic, and I’m easily irritable. And I’m scared. I’ve been through a bout of depression, and I can’t afford (literally and figuratively) to go through that again.

I’m so scared that if I stop caring, I’m going to completely fall off the edge and lose myself again. I’m holding on, but I’m so tired.

EDIT: Thanks for the positive message so far <3 I am 100% confident that things will get better. I'm just really hoping there's not much further to go for this downswing. Need to find better coping mechanisms in the meantime >.<

TLDR: Divorce, death and family drama - I’m tired, sad, and scared of losing myself to depression.

I'm pretty new, is puppy tax a thing?

The best part of my year is that this little gremlin survived cancer! It's not all bad!